And The Winner Is
by TheBucketWoman
Summary: Four months after How to Fall Head over Heels. The fighting is over, the romance beginning, and suddenly everything's a competition. Final Chapter up.
1. Chapter 1

And The Winner Is...

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing.

Chapter One

Part One: George

George spent the better part of the day trying to look dignified, which was unusual for him. A few weeks before, he'd won a client one epic settlement. He hadn't felt this much like a character out of a Grisham novel in years. And today the check came. He stared at it. He kept reaching into his desk to touch it to make sure it was still there. He ran like hell to the bank at lunch to deposit it, fighting not to do the happy dance while he waited in line.

They offered him a partnership in the firm again. Again he explained why he couldn't take it. He knew too many lawyers whose kids barely saw them, whose wives left them and hired their own workaholic lawyers to take them for all they were worth. He was just too used to coming home at a decent hour, making the odd parent/teacher conference, school play, cooking the odd horrible dinner. Nora and the kids were just too important to him. He told the partners this, for the third or fourth time in five years. Most were unsurprised. But they couldn't ignore the money he'd recently earned them and the cases he'd won even as an associate, so they gave him a raise.

"So? What are you buying your wife?" Joe Schmidt, one of the partners, said to him as they left the meeting.

"I don't know yet," George said.

"Better be good," Joe said, patting him on the shoulder. "And the kids."

"Them too," George said. He needed a couple of cheeseburgers before he could think of anything else. He'd eat them outside on a bench. It was getting hot out. The squirrels would be out begging for fries.

Part Two: Paul

"I don't get it, Paul," Casey said. "They post a list of the top twenty students in every grade every quarter, and suddenly, no list. The one time I have a chance at rising above number eight, and I don't get to see it up on the bulletin board! Why?"

Paul placidly watched her pace his office. He was imagining a path worn into the rug and through the linoleum below. When she graduates he plans to put a plaque there. He realized that she was expecting some sort of reply.

"Hmm," he said. "Couldn't tell you."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "You know something," she said.

"Do I?" he said. He did, but he wasn't going to tell her.

"Not again, with the answering questions with questions!"

"Why would I do that?"

"To avoid answering?" Casey asked.

"What's to avoid?" Paul said. "At any rate, you get your report card at the end of the day, and your class ranking will be on it this time, I'm told."

"So you knew that the list wasn't being posted!"

"Maybe."

"So you probably know why," Casey said.

"Doesn't necessarily follow," Paul said. "Why is this such a big deal? Why is it so important to you to know who scored more than you did?"

"It's important. Universities all over the world ask where you ranked within your class when you apply to them," Casey said.

"Not so much in grade ten," Paul said. The kid really did need to relax. She was one of the best in the class if not the school, and yet she was constantly looking for validation.

"Are you forgetting something?" Paul said.

"What?"

"Summer vacation starts in about an hour, does it not?" Paul said. "You're a kid. What do kids do during the summer?"

"I was thinking of taking a class at the community center."

"Well, okay," Paul said. "But don't forget to have fun! Run through sprinklers, Swim in pools, do dopey kid stuff. Hang out with your boyfriend maybe?"

"I'll try," Casey said. "I guess."

Part Three: Derek

"You know what I'm about to tell you, right?" Lisa Chen, his homeroom teacher said, when she'd finally called him out to the hallway. They'd all been summoned back to homeroom right after lunch to pick up their report cards before they could leave. It was standard for homeroom teachers to call every kid out into the hall for some privacy when they handed the report cards over. Derek, as usual heard every tick of the clock on the wall. Alphabetically, he was second to last in the class and he couldn't take the suspense anymore.

"Not really," he said.

"Yeah, you do," she said. She was smiling. "Who are you kidding? It's just you and me out here."

He looked at her, said nothing.

"Don't look at me all innocent," she said. "You really pulled it off. We all knew you had it in you and now you have to keep it up. Poor you." She handed him the yellow computer printout, which he scanned quickly and folded up, sticking it into his pocket. It took everything he had to look nonchalant. Casey was going to freak.

"Thanks," he said. "I think." He went back inside, got his messenger bag and took off for the stairs.

He slogged through the ankle deep and growing pile of papers and other junk toward his locker. There were still a few kids here and there, emptying their lockers and tossing things in the general direction of the trash cans. Casey was waiting for him at his locker, as were Emily and Sheldon. Shemily? He thought.

"Well?" Casey asked after their customary peck. He was really starting to rethink his no PDA rule for her because these little pecks weren't cutting it.

"Well?" Derek asked, putting his arms around her just a little more fully.

"How'd you do?" Casey asked. "Tell me!"

"How'd _you_ do?" Derek asked, pulling away and starting to go through his locker for stuff he still wanted.

"Something's sticky in here..."he said, "what is this, jelly?"

"Uh-uh," Casey said. "You can't put me off that easily."

"Meh," Derek said, face still in his locker. "Passed everything. What else do ya need?"

She let it go, for the moment, but from the way she looked at him, he'd be in for it later.

"How bout you?" Derek said.

"Number six in the grade," Casey said, suddenly beaming. "94.2 percent average."

"Emily?"

"Twenty-five," she said. "Straight 80 somethings. Shel is number three."

"97.563 percent." Sheldon said, unable to restrain himself.

"Oooh," Derek said. "Sheldon beat you."

"There's always next year," Casey said. She and Sheldon turned to each other and hissed like cats. Emily laughed.

"Okay, Miss Kitty," Derek said. "Let's get you outta here before you get into trouble." He dragged her off, having stuffed the last of his junk into his bag.

When they got to the car, Casey turned to him. She leaned close until their noses almost touched.

"Where is it?"she said.

"What?"

"Your report card, Derek."

"What," he said, pulling away,"do you think I'm lying?"

"I didn't say that."

"Not in so many words," he said. "If I were lying, you'd find out about it soon enough, anyway, wouldn't you?"

"I didn't say you were lying," Casey said trailing her fingernails lightly up and down the back of his neck."Why are you being all defensive?"

"Why do you wanna see my report card so bad?"

"Because I care," Casey said. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

He groaned and rolled his eyes. "Later," he said.

"Later?" she said, pouting. "Why?"

"Cause you," He leaned over and kissed her quickly, "can't keep a secret," he said, getting into the car. "You coming?"

She huffed and got in.

Part Four: George.

He stood in the middle of the jewelry department trying to pick something out for Nora. She was going to assume that he did something very very bad that she didn't know about. He giggled at the thought. A scary middle aged woman with dollar signs in her eyes came up to him before he'd had a chance to reach the counter.

"How can I help you today, sir?" She said, hungrily. This type of woman usually got all of his money from him, just to make her go away.

"Just looking really,"he said. "A little something for my wife."

"Weeelll," she purred. "I'm sure I can help you pick something out." She led him over to the diamonds.

An hour later, an exhausted George got home, a little box in his jacket pocket.

He then remembered about the report cards and groaned inwardly. He put down his briefcase and took the long walk to the living room where Derek and Casey were watching TV.

"Okay, let me have 'em," he said to the them. Casey handed hers over. Derek became suddenly very interested in a speck of dust on the coffee table.

"Derek," George said. Derek got up and went to his book bag near the door. He reached into its depths and pulled out a folder. He opened it up and went through several individual papers, stopped looking, then started over. George could feel his blood pressure rising by the second.

"Derek!" George said. Derek jumped, then reached into his pockets, found it, and gave it to him.

George's stomach dropped. The kid had been doing so much better this year. He gave Casey's the most cursory of looks, knowing he had nothing to worry about with hers. He took a deep breath and unfolded Derek's.

"Son of a—" George said.

Derek grinned. "Gotcha," he said.

George sat down on the couch, suddenly boneless.

Casey went over and took the printout from him. Her eyes widened as she looked it over.

"Son of a—"


	2. Chapter 2

And the Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I do not own Life With Derek or any of its characters. Nor do I own Facebook, or anything else, really.

A/N: Tried to mention some Canadian stuff. Sorry if I got any of it wrong.

Chapter Two

Part One: Casey.

"Number ten," she said. "You're number ten in a class of a hundred and fifty kids. 92.6 percent average for the quarter."

Derek said nothing. Then Casey hit him on the arm.

" 'Meh' he said! 'I passed' he said! He let me think he just scraped by!" Casey yelled, punctuating every sentence with another smack on the arm. Then she kissed him.

"I thought you were mad," Derek said when she pulled back.

"I am," she said, and kissed him some more. "I'm so proud of you."

"All your fault," he said. He got another kiss for that.

George was still sitting there, looking borderline catatonic. He shook his head and seemed to wake himself up.

"I'm going to expect grades like this all the time now, you know," he said.

"Don't you worry," Casey said. "If there's one thing I'm good at, it's nagging."

"This is true," Derek said, and ducked. "What? You said it, I didn't."

"You are not supposed to agree with it," Casey said. "In fact, you're _supposed_ to be shocked that anyone would say such a thing."

"The crazy season has come early to Caseyville," Derek said.

"I'm getting outta here," George said.

Part Two: Nora.

At around four, Nora, Edwin, Lizzie and Marti came home to find Derek pinned under Casey.

"Say Uncle," she said.

"That's original," he said.

"Uncle!" she insisted

"Third cousin, once removed."

"What, do you want me on top of you forever?" Casey asked. That was Nora's cue.

"Ahem," Nora said. Casey fell off the couch, freeing a hysterically laughing Derek and narrowly missing the coffee table which had somehow migrated a couple of feet backward over the course of the afternoon.

"Ouch," Lizzie said. "That hurt, didn't it?"

" 'Do you want me on top of you forever?' " Edwin quoted "Did you think he'd say no?"

"Edwin," Nora said, even though she'd been thinking the same thing.

Casey got up, rubbing her shoulder. "Ow," she said pathetically.

"You should let Derek kiss it better," Marti said. Nora wondered how much Derek was paying Marti to say things like that. Derek sat up and pulled Casey back down onto the couch next to him.

"Poor Klutzilla," He said, rubbing her shoulder. "_Should _I kiss it better?"

"Ugh," Lizzie said.

"Get a room," Edwin said.

"Don't encourage them," said Nora. The last image she wanted was of the two of them "in a room."

"How was the picnic?" Casey asked, trying desperately to change the subject. Lizzie and Edwin had their class picnic at Springbank Park.

"Pretty cool," Lizzie said. "Nobody used mayo this time."

"Aw, what's a picnic without a little food poisoning?" Derek said.

"A good one?" Edwin said.

"Did anyone at least get poison ivy?" Derek asked.

"No, they have public toilets," Lizzie said.

"Huh?" Casey said. Then when she put two and two together, she said "Ew!"

"_Who_ got poison ivy on their butt?" Marti asked.

"No one," Edwin said.

"It was _you_, wasn't it?" Marti asked.

"Why don't you tell us about your day, Marti," Nora said, distracting her for a second, but probably only for a second. The little girl was too smart for that.

"Okay," Marti said. "Emily and Sheldon took me and Dimi to see _Shrek the Third_, but I don't think they saw the movie. Me and Dimi had to tell them about it after. And me and Dimi..."

"Dimi and I," Casey said.

"Whatever," Marti said. "We played PacMan. I kicked his butt." It was official, there was no such thing as a safe subject in this house.

_Mental note,_ Nora thought, _get a babysitter without a boyfriend. There is entirely too much suckface going on in front of Marti. I suppose I should be thankful there isn't more going on. Yet. Yikes._

"Where's George?" Nora said.

"Basement," Derek said. "Doing computer stuff...or sleeping."

"Probably playing solitaire," Nora said.

"I resent that," George said, poking his head out of the kitchen. "I was doing important computer stuff."

"Minesweeper?"

"Beat my record," George said, grinning.

"Hmm," Nora said, gathering him into her arms. "Important stuff." She kissed him.

"So what's for dinner?" Edwin said.

"You just had, like, 6 hotdogs," Lizzie said.

"What's your point?" Edwin said.

"And pie," Lizzie added.

"But that was two hours ago," Edwin said. "So, what's for dinner?"

"Thought we'd order in," George said. "A celebration is in order." He reached behind him and pulled some folded yellow paper from his back pocket.

Nora took them and looked both report cards over. She considered pretending to swoon, but knowing George, he'd already done that. She settled for a big wet kiss on each forehead. Derek put up a mighty struggle, but he was no match for her.

"Be glad I didn't have lipstick on," she said.

"I wanna see!" Marti said. "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

Nora handed them over. Derek began to turn a little pink.

Edwin and Lizzie peered over Marti's shoulder while she read.

"Much improved,"Marti said. "Good work, good work...no gold stars? No stickers? High school stinks." Derek laughed.

"With ya all the way, Smarti," he said trying to grab it away from her, but she dodged him easily.

"I don't even know you anymore," Edwin said.

"Thanks, bro," Derek said.

"Did you hack into the school computer?" Lizzie asked.

"I can't even get into my _Facebook_ account,"Derek replied.

"Did you pay Edwin to hack into the school computer?" Lizzie amended.

Derek pretended to be hurt. "I'm so glad that none of you have any faith in my ability." He stuck his lower lip out and crossed his arms.

"I'm happy you're happy," Edwin said. "You almost beat Casey," he added.

"Almost," Casey said.

"There's always next year," Derek said, turning to her and seeming to forget anyone else was in the room.

"Says you," Casey said turning to him.

"Okay," Edwin said. "Before you start 'wrestling' again, can we decide on what we're eating?"

"Before we lose our appetites," Lizzie said.

"Pizza?" Derek said.

"Curry?" Casey said.

"Diner," Edwin said.

"I second the diner," George said.

They ended up ordering several burgers, a tuna melt (Marti) and a chef's salad (Nora).

Casey (veggie burger, extra pickle) kept dipping her fries into Nora's little container of bleu cheese. Everyone looked at her like she'd grown a second head.

"What?" she said. "It's good. Have you tried it?"

Derek (pizzaburger, extra mozzarella) said, "Ew." With his mouth full.

Lizzie (cheeseburger, fried onions) grabbed a fry and tried some. "S'okay," she said. She and Edwin (chiliburger,) were in the middle of a can-you-top-this game with a jar of Italian peppers from the fridge.

George, (chiliburger, poutine) tried it. "Needs hot sauce," he said.

"Get your own," Nora said.

Part Three: George.

George felt pretty great. He had a nice case of indigestion brewing but it had been totally worth it. Nora showered after dinner while he thought of how to set up her gift so she'd see it right away. Truth be told, he wanted to get into the shower with her, but they'd found out early on that the shower stall in their little bathroom was too small for the both of them. He'd almost knocked himself unconscious with the showerhead once. This was a better move. He put the box on her pillow with a card that read "_Guess who got a bonus_." He could nonchalantly head for his shower after she got out and be done before she could put together a coherent thought.

In the shower a few minutes later he thought to thank God, or Whoever Was in Charge for this truly unprecedentedly excellent day. There were so few of these, and he was one of the few people in the world who knew when to enjoy it and be grateful.

He got out, toweled off and headed toward the bedroom, where Nora was wearing his surprise—a one carat diamond solitaire necklace—and her towel.

Then, she dropped the towel.

_Thank you, God,_ he thought.


	3. Chapter 3

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with LWD or the various references I make herein.

Chapter Three

Part One: George

"So," Nora said, "About this bonus?"

George and Nora often got the munchies late at night, especially after they'd had a little exercise. So there they were at the island in the kitchen with a couple of ice pops that the kids hadn't found yet.

"Don't forget the raise," George said.

"How could I," Nora said. "College funds?"

"Covered," George said.

"Bills?"

"Them too," George said.

"Savings?"

"You're just no fun," George said. "I was actually thinking that there's a bunch of stuff that the kids could use."

"Like savings bonds?" Nora joked.

"Ha," George said. "I have a plan. See, tomorrow, I will grab Derek and take him through the electronics store."

"Like taking a pyromaniac through an oil field," Nora said.

"It's a reconnaissance mission," George said. "I'm gonna end up shelling out for a couple CDs or DVDs I think, but I'm gonna pretend to linger by the printer section, like I can't remember what ink to get, and see what he gravitates toward after he's done with the music section."

"Video games, I'm thinking," Nora said.

"Maybe," George said. "Derek can be a simple creature."

"You might look at another computer?" Nora said.

"I was thinking that," George said. "Or two laptops for Lizzie and Edwin? Gotta figure out what Casey wants."

"My head is spinning," Nora said.

"Join the club," George said.

"What about Marti?" Nora said.

"Dunno," George said. "Something purple?" Nora rolled her eyes.

"Let's take our time," George said. "This is not a race."

Part Two: Derek.

There were pancakes and sausage. The smell of sausage, mixed with coffee, mixed with syrup all but lifted him out of bed. It was the smell of a thousand diners, the type of smell that used to put him in a good mood even when he had to wait for the school bus in the dead of winter in front of that ratty coffee shop. He came downstairs, hair still sticking up, but eyes wide open. Casey, who was already helping set the table, took one look at him and almost dropped the orange juice.

"You owe me five bucks, Mom" she said, laughing. Nora reached into her jeans pocket and gave her the money. Casey ruffled Derek's hair in an attempt to calm it a little, but succeeded in making it worse. She kissed him on the cheek, pretty secure in the knowledge that he had yet to brush his teeth.

"Food?" Derek said.

" 'Good morning, Casey, I trust you slept well'" she said. "Why yes, Derek, actually I had quite a pleasant night."

"Okay, what you said," Derek relied. "And food?" Nora laughed.

"Here it is," Nora said, putting a plate of pancakes down in the middle of the table.

"Isn't anyone else eating?" he said reaching for the whole stack. Nora threatened him with the spatula. He grinned and took a couple. Nora put one more on his plate and gave him another hair ruffle for good measure before she poked her head into the living room.

"Marti?" he heard her say. "It's ready, could you go get Lizzie and Edwin?" Derek noticed that Nora knew not to say "Call Lizzie and Edwin," because their ears would be bleeding. Marti had some lungs on her.

Casey opened the door that led to the basement. "George! Food!" she said. Up popped Derek's dad like he'd been launched on a catapult.

"Food?" George said.

It was quiet for a few minutes while everyone ate with an unaccustomed passion. They very rarely got a breakfast like this. Derek wondered why, fleetingly, but decided not to look a gift pancake in the stack.

"Did somebody die?" Edwin said, between bites.

"Why would you say that?" Nora said.

"Uh-oh," Edwin said. "Somebody did!"

"Somebody died?" Marti asked.

"Nobody died," Dad said. "You guys are ultra cynical; where are you getting that from?"

"We never eat like this?" Lizzie said.

"Well, next time, we'll just leave you with the cereal, then," Nora said.

"No need to be hasty," Edwin said.

"Thought so," Nora said.

"What's cynical mean?" Marti said.

"It's when people are suspicious of everything," Casey told her.

"Like parents?" Marti replied. Derek had been drinking when she said that. His dad patted him on the back as he choked on his orange juice. This set everyone else off.

"Good—" Derek squeaked, then cleared his throat a couple of times and took a sip of water that Nora conveniently placed next to him at the beginning of the coughing fit. "Good one, Smarti," he said.

"I try," she said.

"So, Derek, Casey, listen," Dad said. _Here it comes_, Derek thought.

"Got some errands to run," Dad continued. "Why don't you guys come with?"

"I have dance class," Casey said.

"I have..." Derek thought furiously, "to drive her to dance class."

"Um, actually," Casey said, "Em and I have some errands of our own?"

"Going to Good Deal," his dad sing-songed.

"Oh," Derek said, promptly deciding that he didn't care that Casey would have the car all day. He had a CD or three that he had his eye on.

"You might wanna go shower," Dad said.

Once they got there, the smell of new electronics was an even better mood elevator than breakfast had been.

He bounced over to the new releases while his dad headed toward the computer section. He peeked surreptitiously into his wallet, did some quick calculations and picked up the new White Stripes on sale. He went directly to the register while the line was short. As he got to the front of the line an idea occurred to him. He asked for a job application while he was there, filled it out quickly on an empty counter. The manager, not being too busy this early, went right over to talk to him. The manager was a tall red headed sunburned college student who introduced himself only as Les. He seemed to hit it off with this Les dude so the "I'll call ya," sounded pretty promising.

His dad seemed to be still hanging around the ink. Derek though he'd better get over there before his dad got any more confused. He went over to where Dad was staring at the display of ink, brow furrowed in concentration, and picked out black and color cartridges with no trouble.

"Why don't you just write down the number of the ink cartridge?" he asked, handing the little boxes to his father. "It would save time."

"The printer came with a little card for my wallet," his dad said, "but of course it's in the drawer with all the manuals." Derek shook his head.

"So," Derek said, "That it?"

"Nah," Dad said. "I think we might need a new grill. And anyway, what's your hurry?"

Derek could think of a few things he'd rather do than look at grills. Another laryngoscopy came to mind. Hell, getting hit in the throat with another hockey puck came to mind. Dental surgery, maybe. He went to check out the cameras. Maybe he'd see something that he could get once he got paid. If he got the job.

After about fifteen minutes of staring longingly at the better DV camcorders, knowing that they were forever out of his league, he turned irritably toward the appliance section.

"How long does it take to pick out a George Foreman grill like everyone knows he wants and freakin' check out already?" _And get me away from these things?_ He thought.

He went over there and found his dad looking from one model to another. Who knew they had so many?

"Get the white one," Derek said.

"I kinda like the black," Dad said.

"So get the black," Derek said.

"Maybe the one with the bun warmer," Dad said. Derek sighed.

"What'd you get?" Dad asked.

"White Stripes," Derek said, holding the bag up.

"That all?" Dad said.

"Mhm," Derek said. His dad pulled some twenties out his wallet.

"Go on," George said. "You know you want to."

"Who are you and what have you done with my daddy?"

"You don't want?" his dad said, pretending to put the money back as Derek snatched it. "Thought so."

Derek, predictably, went back to the music section. He picked out one more thing for himself and one CD that all but screamed Casey's name, and checked out again. He was folding up the three miles of receipt and stuffing his change into his pocket when his dad finally got to the cashiers with his grill and the ink cartridges. Derek noticed that he threw in some batteries, a DVD, and a couple of candy bars, too. Dad was never one to resist impulse buys.

"Know, what?" His dad said when he met up with him at the door. "Put this stuff in the car and, how bout you get us some Starbucks, I need to use the little boys' room." He handed Derek another twenty.

Did his dad rob a bank?


	4. Chapter 4

And the Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I don't own LWD or much else in general, including any references I make.

Chapter Four

Part One: George.

He did have to go to the bathroom, but he also needed to talk to the guy in the camera department.

"So," he began. "My son was just here. Sixteen, brown hair, little bit taller than me? Red T-shirt?"

"Yeah," said the saleskid, remembering. "With the question mark on it."

"What was he looking at?" The kid led him to the HD DV camcorders.

"He was aiming a little high," the kid said apologetically. _Brian_, George thought, _His nametag says Brian. So quit thinking of him as the saleskid. _"Maybe I can suggest one of these personal camcorders instead, he was looking at the pro stuff."

"I'll be honest," George said. "I dunno if I'm buying anything just yet, but I think that I might be interested in one of these." He pointed toward the pros. "Or perhaps one in the middle somewhere?"

"Okay," Brian said. "Maybe one of these." He pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down a few model numbers from the display and showed him each. He wrote his name at the bottom. "Come back and see me after you think it over?"

"Will do," George said, grinning. He'd buy anything from this kid.

Part Two: Casey.

George's good mood continued. He decided to fire up the grill—the outdoor one, not the Foreman one he just bought, and he filled the night with the smell of charcoal, steaks, salmon, and Italian sausage. He grilled some corn on the cob and some fennel. Casey's mom made half joking comments about hiding things to keep them away from the grill.

George wielded the spatula like Derek wielded the remote. He gestured with it, repeatedly ordering Marti, Edwin, Derek, Lizzie and Casey herself back into the kitchen numerous times for stuff they'd forgotten. It was on one of these trips into the kitchen, for hot peppers this time, that the phone rang.

"MacDonald-Venturis," she said.

"Good evening," said a comically deep voice on the other end. This one went from zero to mid flirt in three seconds. He didn't even know what she looked like. "I wish to speak with Derek Venturi, if I may," the guy continued.

"May I ask who's calling?" Casey said, not bothering to return the flirt.

"Lester Cunningham, from Good Deal?"

"Okay," she said, "Please hang on just a sec?"

She walked over to the kitchen door and poked her head out. "Derek!"

"Yes dear?" He smirked, trying to render the yes-dear ironic, but not quite making it .

"Phone," she said. "Guy from Good Deal?"

He went for the phone. He talked to the guy for all of a minute, said thank you three times, and hung up. He turned back to her with a grin.

"He he," he said.

"What?"

"Eh, nothin," he said. "Got a job, but ya know. No big."

"Der-_ek_!" she said, going in for the hug. He spun her; she squealed. "I can't believe you!"

"Well, ya know," he said. "Guess I need to be able to take you out and stuff."

Just then in came George, spatula waving. "Someone better be dying cause if I burn that sausage..."

"I think I might," Casey said.

"Drama queen," Derek said.

"Superkeener," Casey said.

"And where's my peppers?" George said, momentarily forgetting the commotion.

"Oh yeah," Casey said, getting them from the fridge. Derek, behind George's back, put a finger to his lips. She looked at him pleadingly. How could he ask her to keep a secret; he knew her better than that.

They came back out as George was posing for a picture in his Kiss Me I'm Italian apron, spatula pointing at the camera.

"That's dignified," Derek said.

"This from a boy who got a picture in the yearbook dressed like Percy Shelley,"George said

"Touche"

"In Casey's blouse,"George said.

"Okay, uncle," Derek said.

"Thought so," George said. "Deeep check."

Edwin looked up from the tin foil packets of vegetables he'd been carefully undoing and asked "Who called?"

"My boss," Derek said, nonchalantly.

"Yeah, I know Casey called you inside," Edwin said. "But who was on the _phone_?"

Lizzie and Marti looked up with interest from their own menial labor (peeling tin foil off of corn cobs, setting the table). Lizzie took two steps away from Edwin.

"You're getting awful mouthy, little bro," Derek said, reaching a hand over toward Edwin's hair. Edwin dodged. Derek caught him with the other hand. " I might sic Lizzie on you if you don't watch it."

"Wouldn't want that," Edwin said. Lizzie smacked him. He grinned.

"Huh?" Derek said.

"What?" Edwin said, looking puzzled.

"Your boss?" Casey's mom interrupted.

"Mhm," Derek said.

"You have a job?"Mom said.

There was the sound of metal spatula hitting flagstone. Everybody turned to George as he sank to his knees, theatrically.

"My son," he gasped. "Has (gasp) a...j-job," he said as his face hit the ground.

"Are you done," Derek said, arms crossed, eyebrow raised.

George's head popped up. "Almost," he said, then turned over and flopped like a fish onto his other side. "Okay, I'm done," he said, getting up and dusting off his apron.

"So where you working?" Lizzie asked.

"Good Deal," Derek said.

"Oooh," Edwin said. "Do you get an employee discount?"

"Yeah. _I _get an employee discount," Derek said.

"And you owe me the equivalent of a plasma screen TV considering all the money I loaned you over the years," Edwin said.

"I thought you did that out of love," Derek said.

"Keep dreaming," Edwin said. "Now how much off do you get?"

"I don't know yet," Derek said. He rolled his eyes. "I'll let you know when they tell me."

"Yes!"

Part Three: Edwin

Life was good. He had sausage and corn, and potato salad, and grilled vegetables. And more corn. Plus, his father was in a good mood again. A Really Important Case had popped up shortly after Derek's accident back in February and it had lasted more than three months, making his dad thoroughly miserable. He was constantly tired and irritable and Edwin found himself walking on eggshells most of the time. His dad wasn't much for unwarranted explosions, but Edwin still didn't want to take chances and cause any warranted ones. His dad had bribed him several times just to get lost over the course of the three months. As much as he enjoyed money in general, he was glad those days were over.

He had his face buried in his third ear of corn when his dad stood up, trying to clink his plastic cup with a fork.

"I have an announcement," Dad said. "The Pearadyne case? Is officially over."

"Yay," Nora said, giving him golf claps.

"Didja win?" Marti said.

"Why, yes we did, Marti," Dad said. "And because of this, I got a goodly share of the settlement and a raise."

There was a silence among the kids.

"So you didn't rob a bank," Derek said, disappointed.

"Can we go to Disneyland?"Marti said.

"No, and we'll see," George said. "And Derek seems to have an announcement of his own, don't you Derek?"

"Nope," Derek said.

"Yes," Nora said.

"Everybody knows," Derek said.

"Make it official," Nora said.

"I got a job," Derek muttered, rising half an inch from his seat and raising his cup a little.

"He gets a discount," Edwin said, raising his cup skyward. Lizzie clinked hers with his.

"Clink," she said for effect.

"Me too," Marti said. They toasted with her. "And Casey," she said. Casey obliged.

"Any other news?" Nora said, looking expectantly at Casey.

"What," Casey said.

"What do you have next week?" Nora said.

"Oh," Casey said. She mimicked Derek and raised up an inch off the seat. "I have an audition."

"What," Lizzie said, "The play at the community center? That's pretty cool."

"No it's not, but I'm doing it anyway," Casey said, beaming.

"Not much competition," Derek said. "You'll trounce em."

"Ohhhh," she cooed. "That's so sweet!" Derek cringed at the word "sweet."

"But," Casey continued, booping him on the nose. "You're still helping me get ready for it."

"Is that what I'm doing?" Derek asked.

"Yep, you're helping me pick a song."

"Eeeny meeny miney moe," Derek said.

He was happy for everybody, but Edwin suddenly couldn't help but wish that _he_ had news.


	5. Chapter 5

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I own no part of LWD, nor do I own the old jokes and such Casey tells.

Chapter Five:

Part One: Derek.

The uniform was dorky. He had to wear one of Good Deal's Official Polo shirts, either in black with green logo or green with black logo. And Khakis—every day that he worked. There was also a badge on a nickel chain with his Official Employee ID, and buttons on his shirt that told customers to ask him assorted things. But he was happy that there wasn't a hat. There was two days of training, and he was given a thick binder full of procedures that he skimmed quickly and forgot about. There was a script that he had to memorize for answering the phone and another one full of things that he had to say to every customer that came to his register. He rarely if ever got to finish the speech because no one wanted to hear it.

The people were mainly okay, at least so far. He found that the greasier he was, the more the problem customers seemed to like him. They were putty in his hands. And his coworkers were mainly likable, too. There was Jacinta, who kept trying to feed him stuff that she cooked, and Jeannine, who always seemed to have a dirty boyfriend story to tell when business was slow. And Brian, even though he usually worked the early shift while Derek worked the late shift, was impossibly cool. He knew where to get cheap concert tickets, and had encyclopedic knowledge of music trivia. Then there was Les. He was...a dork, but mainly okay. He let everyone switch off and run the video game demos once in a while.

Really Derek had only one problem with the place. Late afternoon, every day, like clockwork, the piped in music got cranked to earsplitting levels. One had to talk over the noise. For the most part, Derek thought that he wouldn't have to say much, but then he'd remember the scripts.

"CAN I HELP THE NEXT CUSTOMER?" he'd have to yell.

"HI! WELCOME TO GOOD DEAL, WHERE _ALL_ THE DEALS ARE GOOD. DID YOU FIND EVERYTHING THAT YOU WERE LOOKING FOR TODAY?"

"WHAT?" the customers would say, and he'd have to start over.

After two days of this, he was a little hoarse. This of course, could have happened to anyone; he kept quiet on his day off and went back. Nothing to worry about, he told himself, even though no one else was hoarse at all.

"Wooo, Rookie, listen to you," Jacinta said. "Drink some tea when you get home, papi."

By the end of the first week, he had a nice working case of laryngitis. He got home that Saturday night and his dad got on his case.

"You know this job, Derek?" His dad said. "It ain't working out."

"Dad," he squeaked.

"Don't _dad _me," his dad said. "Do you hear yourself? Is your memory that bad? It really wasn't that long ago that you were stuck writing in notebooks to communicate, and I wouldn't have thought that you'd be so eager to go back to that."

Derek glared.

"All I'm saying is that you're not ready for this." his dad said. "When you took the job, none of us remembered that they like to blast the music in there. That, coupled with the air conditioning is going to continue to cause you to lose your voice until it just stays gone. You're more susceptible to that than most people. It never did come back all the way after the accident."

Derek did not need to be reminded of this. He was the first to notice that his voice had sounded wrong since the Incident. Casey pretended not to notice, as did Nora and up until now, his dad. Now here was his dad admitting it. He didn't think he could be more depressed than he'd been already, but this was a new low.

"This is pathetic," Derek whispered.

"No, it isn't" his dad said. "You have an injury and you're pushing things too hard too fast."

"Four months?" Derek whispered.

"Clearly not long enough," his dad said. "Maybe I can give your doctor a call and find out what our options are."

Derek looked at his father quizzically.

"I mean therapy or something," his dad said. "This doesn't have to be too bad you know."

"Seems bad enough," Derek whispered.

"You know, this whispering thing you're doing isn't doing you any favors, either," his dad said. "Why don't you go get the laptop? It's gotta beat the hell out of Casey's journal don'tcha think?"

_Nope_, Derek thought. _Both options generally suck. _

Casey came home a bit later with ice cream. Somebody'd obviously briefed her on the situation, and she was trying to cheer him up. She waved it under his nose.

"It's _Forbidden Chocolate_," she sing-songed. Then when she got no response, she got exasperated. "Come on, Derek, normally I could be standing here naked holding this and you'd only have eyes for the ice cream."

He had the laptop next to him on the couch, and it was open to a word processing program.

_When have you ever been naked in front of me and holding chocolate ice cream?_ he typed. _Do you wanna test the theory?_

"Not tonight," she said.

_If you really wanted to cheer me up, you would_, he typed.

"Nice try," Casey said. She took a spoonful of his ice cream. "This is so good," she said. She fed him some.

She took a couple more bites for herself.

She kissed the back of his neck with her cold mouth. He wheezed laughter. She put the bowl down on the coffee table and put her cold hand up under his shirt. He grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand back out, kissing her palm while he was at it.

_Think you got all the moves, Miss Thang?_ He thought as he began to wrestle her, but remembered the laptop was in the way so he moved it to the other end of the coffee table before turning back to her.

She wouldn't kiss him on the mouth.

"Let's get the all clear from the doctor first okay?" she said.

This had all the effect of a dip in the North Atlantic in winter. He pulled away from her completely.

"Derek," she said. He began to get up. She pulled him down again.

"Derek, come on," she said. "Don't be mad. I love you, okay? Sit with me a while." Then she paused and thought about what she said.

"I take it back," she said. "Go ahead and be mad, but stay here with me."

_I don't really wanna talk about it. Don't want to hear about doctors. I'm sick of doctors. It's bad enough that I have to quit my job on Monday. I really don't want to think about any of this. I want to make out and I can't do that either,_ he typed.

"Yeah," Casey said. "It sucks. But it won't be forever."

_How do you know that? It could be forever. I remember being in the hospital thinking that it could happen, that I would not speak again, but I guess I didn't really believe it. Do you know how bad I would be at sign language, Casey?_ He typed. _Have you heard my French? I don't do well with new languages. _

" 'The window has a headache,' " she quoted, deadpan. He didn't smile.

"Don't jump the gun," she said. "We're not at the sign language stage yet. We may never be. And even if we get to that stage, you won't die. We'll figure it out. But I doubt it'll come to that."

_You sure you want to be with the mute guy?_ He typed.

"If I were gonna leave you," she began. "It would have more to do with your dirty socks on the floor or with your penchant for melodrama. _I'm_ supposed to be the drama queen. You can't have two drama queens in a relationship. Rivers turn red. Plagues of locusts and infomercials rain down on us."

"Do you really want to be responsible for the pestilence and death?" she asked. "Hmmmm? I don't hear you..."

He looked at her in shock, but his mouth, totally against his will, curved into a smile, and he flipped her the bird.

"See? You know some sign language,"she said. "Now eat your ice cream. You'll feel better. Ice cream cures all ills."

Part Two: Casey

The next morning Derek seemed to be trying his best to stay in bed. Casey brought Marti up at around ten to get him moving, and poor Marti collided with him on the way out of the bathroom. He had a towel on and was still quite wet, so when he smacked into her, she got wet too.

"Smer-ek!" she said, holding her arms out in front of her. He looked apologetic and tried to smooth her hair out with one hand and hold the towel for dear life with the other. Then he gave up and headed to his room to put some clothes on.

"At least he was clean?" Casey said. "Do you want another T-shirt?"

"Nah," Marti said. "It'll dry."

"Well," Casey said. "Since he's obviously up, how bout we just go downstairs and find some cartoons on TV."

"Nah," Marti said. "We'll wait for him." She stationed herself outside his door. She did this matter-of-factly, almost shruggingly, even though Casey had a pretty good idea that Marti was worried about him. As much as she tried to deny it, Casey knew that the little girl was a worrier. Casey knew this ever since the time she'd found Marti looking quietly miserable on the kitchen counter while listening to George fight with Casey's mom in the basement. It hadn't been a big fight, but Casey figured that Marti, six at the time, had overheard a lot of fighting before her parents got divorced, and any drama at all made her uneasy. If someone got sick or hurt, Marti had to make it better or Something Bad would happen. When Derek had had his accident, the only way Casey had calmed Marti down was by coming up with a plan for Marti to help him. This was why Casey knew better than to try to get Marti to leave her spot by Derek's door. Nothing would come between her and her Smerek.

"Okay," Casey said. She pulled up a piece of floor. She waited a few minutes, then rapped on his door. "Hurry up in there! Do you have a hot date or something? I'll kick her butt!"

Marti didn't laugh, but then again, Casey wasn't sure she'd ever been funny. Not intentionally anyway. So failing to crack Marti up was not unusual.

"So Marti," she began. "Do you wanna hear a dirty joke?"

"Yeah," she said, eyes wide.

"The kid fell in the mud," Casey said. "Wanna hear a clean one? He took a bath."

Crickets. Maybe she'd left something out.

"What do you do when you see a spaceman?" Casey tried.

"Park in it, man," Marti said, stone faced.

"How bout a riddle," Casey said. "I got one that isn't in that book I gave you."

"Okay."

"Okay," Casey said. "What's greater than God, worse than the Devil, rich people want it, poor people have it and if you eat it, you'll die?" That would keep her busy for a bit. Lizzie had told Casey and Derek that one a few weeks back. It had driven Casey mad for hours, but, she found out later, that Derek had gotten it in two minutes and told Lizzie the correct answer in private, so that Casey could obsess over it for a while. "Give up?" Casey asked.

"Nothing," Marti said.

_Dammit_, Casey thought.

"Did Derek tell you the answer?" Casey asked.

"No," Marti said.

"Took _me_ forever to figure it out," Casey said.

"You think everything's all hard to figure out even when it's not."

Casey saw the shadow under the door change. "Derek," she singsonged. "I know you're listening at the door. You may as well come out."

He did his best to look indignant when he opened the door.

"Bout time, Derek," Marti said. "You need to eat." If she could reach his ear, she'd be dragging him by it.

Part Three: George.

George called Dr. Trent to pick her brain a bit, see if she knew of a good speech therapy program, and to see if she could possibly check Derek out again. He thought he'd get her office voice mail, but she picked up. They exchanged pleasantries for a minute or two; he was surprised she'd remembered them. Then he brought up his reason for calling.

"How long's he been like this?" Dr. Trent said, her voice turning stern frighteningly quick.

"It got bad last night, but I'd say since Thursday or Friday," George said.

"Bring him in to the ER" the doctor said. "I'll be waiting."

"The ER?" George said. "Isn't that a little extreme?"

"No. Get him in here, now."

Then she hung up.

_Crap_, he thought.


	6. Chapter 6

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with LWD. There'd be more episodes (and probably way more drama) if I did.

Chapter Six

Part One: Derek

Derek came downstairs and walked through the living room as Marti, satisfied that he was going to eat, sat down in front of the TV, taking the remote from under Edwin's leg. Edwin was sprawled on the couch with a magazine, probably one of Derek's, he couldn't tell which. Lizzie had her nose in a paperback. Marti switched channels.

"Hey!" Edwin said.

"What the heck!" Lizzie said. "We were watching that!" Then Marti happened upon an episode of _The Powerpuff Girls_, and Edwin and Marti said, "Ooh!"

Lizzie rolled her eyes and went back to her book. Derek tried not to smile. He got to the kitchen and found his Dad and Nora sitting at the table looking way too serious.

"Just got off the phone with your doctor," Dad said, standing up. "We gotta go to the hospital."

_What?_ Derek tried to say. Absolutely nothing came out.

"She was actually pretty emphatic about it," Dad said. "So come on."

_Please don't make me_, he thought, and gave his dad his best pleading look. Nora put her head in her hands.

"Not an option, kiddo," Dad said. "We're going to the hospital. Let's go."

He spoke to him in a voice half an octave lower than usual. He meant business. Usually Derek wasn't intimidated by this type of thing; it was a tactic. It was the voice he used when he cross-examined people. But he also knew how rarely the lawyer voice came out of his father outside the courtroom, and he also saw the worry on his father's face. He came up to where Derek was standing and tried to put an arm around him, and Derek couldn't help taking a step out of the way. He would have tried to run if he thought that he could get away with it.

His father reached for him again and this time got an arm around his shoulders and turned him around and began to march him toward the door. Both of them saw Casey in the doorway at the same time.

"What are you doing?"she asked.

"I'll explain, you two go," Nora said.

"Explain?" Derek heard Casey say as his dad was dragging him out.

Casey ran out after them before his dad had had a chance to start the car. She opened a door in the back and got in. Derek watched his father take a breath and put the key in the ignition without another word.

Part Two: Casey.

Casey was the only one who'd remembered to give Derek something to write with. She gave him the pad her mom kept by the phone in the kitchen. It had a picture of a paper grocery bag on the top, an egg carton and French bread sticking out of the top. She didn't do it on purpose, but she was really starting to feel bad that every writing pad she gave him had something cutesy on it. Hello Kitty was probably next.

_You worry too much_, he wrote and handed it back to her.

"I worry just enough," she replied. She noticed that George had his eyes glued to the road and he was going twenty kilometers over the speed limit.

"George," she said. "Slow down. Seriously."

"Sorry," he said, glancing at the speedometer. He slowed down for all of a minute, then the needle started to inch upward again. They were so lucky that there wasn't much traffic yet. People were due to start clogging up the highway on their way to the mall any minute now.

Both Casey and Derek let out the breath they'd been holding when he pulled into the parking structure. He nicked a pole when he tried to park. Any other day, Derek would have really enjoyed making fun of George's driving, but he didn't even seem to notice the bump—or the Jaguar that George had come within an centimeter of scraping when he opened the door.

Derek opened his door, but didn't get out right away. He took a couple of deep breaths and the second one sounded a little watery, which made her eyes water.

"Let's go," George said, from a few feet away. "Move it!" He started back toward the car.

"C'mon Derek," Casey said. She got out and stood in front of his door. He got up with supreme reluctance. She pulled him into a hug. "It'll be okay," she said into his hair. Not the most original thing she could have said, but it would have to do. As they walked to the elevator that took them to the ER, she whispered things like "You can do it," and "You're doing great," into his ear. Like a Lamaze coach. Derek, for his part, was avoiding all eye contact, but he let her hold his hand. He gave it a worried squeeze when they reached the ground floor where the ER was.

Part Three: George.

In order to get to the Emergency Room, they had to leave the parking lot elevator and cut through the hospital's main lobby, or go around to the other side of the building. George put one hand on the back of either neck and gently led the both of them inside that way.

Dr. Trent took him right away. George felt quite a bit of deja vu as he stood outside a curtained cubicle clipboard in hand, filling out paperwork as she did the preliminary exam. He overheard her standard litany of questions.

Dr. Trent: Can you swallow? (pause) okay.

Dr. Trent: Pain on a scale of 1-10? (pause) okay.

Dr. Trent: Okay say 'ah.'

Derek: (squeak)

Dr. Trent: okay.

The rest of the preliminary was more of the same. She said the word okay in such a way, that George couldn't tell if they were good okays or bad okays. If George never heard the word "okay" again, he'd be happy.

She came out.

"Gotta go up to the ENT department," she told George. A nurse wheeled Derek out. What George could see of his face (he was doing his best to cover it with one hand, the way Casey looks at horror movies, the other hand gripping the hell out of the armrest) was red, maybe a little blotchy. His eyes were closed so he didn't see George standing there.

"Meet you upstairs in a couple minutes, Der," he said. Derek nodded. "I'm gonna tell Casey what's going on," George added.

He went to the waiting area to find her. She wasn't curled in the fetal position this time, so that was a good sign, but she was sitting very stiffly with her arms crossed, fingers of her left hand tapping her right upper arm. This was a Nora-ism, reserved for family visits, especially visits from Fiona and her people. She crossed and uncrossed her legs until George walked into her field of vision.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"He's going for more tests," George said.

"Well, what did the doctor say?"

"Very little," George said. "She said the word 'okay' ninety seven times while she examined him."

"What kind of okay?" Casey asked. "Like _o-_kay time for a lollipop, or like okaaaaay, I'm gonna break this to you slowly?"

"Neither," George said. "Drove me crazy. Her voice was completely flat and uninflected during the 'okays'."

"I hate that!" Casey said. "But doctors do that all the time, don't they?"

"Think so," George said. "Come on; we can wait upstairs."

"I should call mom first," she said. George excused himself to go to the men's room while she called home. When he got back, he said:

"So, what'd you find out?"

"Marti's being jumpy, didn't touch lunch, Mom says. Lizzie and Edwin are okay, mainly because they were busy trying to distract her," Casey said. "Edwin apparently did something involving tater tots and his nose. Glad I wasn't there for that."

"I taught him that," George said.

"I figured," Casey said. "And according to Mom, Lizzy is right now sitting in a pile of DVDs trying to get Marti to pick something."

"There will be _High School Musical_ from here to the end of the world," George predicted.

Part Four: Derek

"Okay," Dr. Trent said. "It's laryngitis."

Derek gave her a look of infinite scorn after she took the scope out.

_I needed to be rushed to the ER for this?_ He wrote. _I could have figured it out for myself._

"Yes," Dr. Trent said, without a trace of guilt. "I know. It's my job to rule out anything more serious. You could have had laryngitis and a polyp, or laryngitis and a cyst; shall I show you a picture of a polyp or a cyst to show you why you don't want one of those?"

He shook his head.

"Because a cyst or a polyp or even a node would mean surgical removal of same," she said. "You're gonna be pretty susceptible to these things because of the previous injury, this is why you were rushed over here."

He nodded.

"So about this job your father told me about..." she said.

_Gonna quit_, he wrote. _Can I go home now?_

"Yeah, in a couple minutes," she said. "I'm going to give you the number of the speech therapist on staff here. I want you to set up an appointment for an evaluation; get checked out by next week if they can get you in. Your voice is weakened and we want to make sure you don't reinjure it. Or else you'll be right back here again."

He nodded again.

"Now how about we find your Dad," she said beckoning him over.

They met up with Dad and Casey in the waiting area. Casey hopped off of her chair like it goosed her.

"Well?" she asked.

"What she said," Dad said.

"Seems like we got lucky for now," Dr. Trent said. "He has laryngitis, a pretty nasty case, but that's all. Mr. Venturi, you wanted to know about speech therapy, and I gave Derek the phone numbers, and I told him that I think he should go in for an evaluation as soon as his voice comes back; I'm guessing by next week. There will be no talking for a good seven days, sorry about that—"

"Um," Casey began.

"Yeah?" the doctor said.

"Forget it," Casey said, waving a dismissive hand. "Not important."

"No," Dr. Trent said, "Go ahead."

"I was wondering about what he's allowed to do," she said. "Can he go swimming? What can he eat? Can-he-kiss? How bout air conditioning?"

"Oh yeah," Dr. Trent said, smiling like she had Casey's number. "Mainly we want to limit the activities that might cause him to cough or have to clear his throat, so swimming, I'd say you wanna limit to a dip in the pool. With ear plugs and nose plugs. Not too much time completely under water and no diving. Nothing too strenuous, no lifting weights. You remember that from last time, Derek. Kissing's okay, but again, don't go nuts. Limit the dairy, try soy instead. No hot peppers. Drink lots of water. That enough for you?"

"Yeah," Casey said, a little dazed. Derek nodded. The doctor was grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

_What's so funny?_ He thought.

"Anything else we need to know?" Dad said.

"Not really," Dr. Trent said. "Everything's covered in the papers I gave Derek, but if you have any questions, call me."

"Will do," Dad said.

"And you," Dr. Trent said, turning to Derek. "As cute as I think you are, I don't wanna see you in here again under these circumstances, got it?"

He nodded, blushing a little.

"Now, might I recommend some Italian Ice?" Dr. Trent said.

"Yeah," Casey said, dreamily. Derek stifled a laugh.

"We can use some food in general," Dad said.

A few minutes later, in the car, Derek's father turned to the both of them and said: "We have a couple of errands to run, and now we're getting a late start."

"Shouldn't Derek go home to rest now?" Casey said. She sat in the back with Derek. His head was on her shoulder.

"Do you wanna go home and rest, Derek?" Dad said, looking at him through the rear view mirror.

Derek shook his head.

"Let's just hit the diner first then." Dad said. "Some chicken soup, perhaps."

"Why chicken soup?" Casey asked.

"Couldn't hurt," Dad said grinning.


	7. Chapter 7

And The Winner Is...

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I do not own _Life With Derek_, Forbidden Chocolate Ice Cream, or _Guitar Hero_.

Chapter Seven

Part One: Derek.

Somehow he should have known they'd end up pulling into the parking lot of Good Deal. He knew what he was there for, and suddenly he wished he hadn't eaten that order of onion rings with his soup. His stomach was starting to churn a little, the way it did before hockey playoffs or exams. He reached into the pocket of the car caddy that hung behind the driver's seat of the station wagon and rooted around until he found a mint to suck on. He hoped that would settle things. He couldn't afford to puke right now.

He hopped out and closed the door, so that his dad could boop the car alarm.

"You want me to talk to your boss for you?" His dad said. He shook his head. That would be the cherry on his indignity sundae. He swished through the automatic doors, his dad and Casey somewhere behind him, he didn't look.

"Hey, Noob," said Michael, who'd apparently pulled the short straw today and had been stuck as a greeter. "Welcome to Good Buy where all the yadda yadda...So whatchoo doing here? I took your shift." He pushed his hair out of his eyes and it flopped back down. Derek didn't know how he could see to drive home every night.

_Need to talk to Les_, Derek wrote. Michael held the note pad practically up to his nose to read it. He never wore his glasses on the floor.

"He's over by the gaming section, was there any doubt," Michael said. "I'd say take all the time off you need; I could use the overtime. Daddy needs new contacts." Derek nodded and patted him on the shoulder as he took off toward the gaming section. Jacinta was working the register and waved him over.

"Thought you were out sick, Papi," she said. He nodded and gestured to the pad.

"Damn," she said. "Eat soup. Lots of soup—NEXT ON LINE—And my _pasteles_ when I make em." She started to ring someone up. "So what are you doing here when you don't have to be?"

_Must discuss something with Les_, he wrote.

"Not too cryptic," she said. "Are you quitting?"

He didn't answer.

"That'll be 35.90," she said to the customer. To Derek, she said. "Well, you suck. Are you gonna come visit us? I'll email you when I make the _pasteles_ and you're coming in for them unless you want me on your doorstep with a casserole dish." She swiped the customer's credit card and handed him the stylus to sign his name. "Now gimme a kiss," she said finally. "Not you," she said to the customer, who laughed. "Him." Derek obliged.

He found Les demonstrating _Guitar Hero_, clearly in a state of bliss. He waited until Les's song ended and he noticed Derek standing there. He turned back to his customer.

"Now, after that, can you think of a better birthday present for your son?" Les asked. "Derek here's crazy about the thing, aren't you, Derek?" Derek nodded. "So," Les continued, "Take your time, play with it a little yourself, and come find one of our lovely salespeople when you're ready."

The woman looked a little dazed. "Thanks," she said, picking up the guitar like she'd never seen one before.

"Okiedokie," Les said, "What can I do ya for on this, your lovely, unexpected day off, Der?"

Derek took a minute to scribble as fast as he could.

"Take your time, kid, I wanna be able to read your writing," Les said. Derek handed him the note.

_Went to doctor today. Voice is baked. Need speech therapy so it doesn't happen again_, he wrote.

"This is true, kid, you really don't know how to yell," Les said. "Gotta project, from the diaphragm. Haven't you ever done a school play?"

Derek shook his head.

"Is this the first time you've had this happen?" Les asked.

_Yes and no_, Derek wrote. _Few months back, got hit with hockey puck. In the throat. Thought I was better. _

"I heard about that," Les said. "That was you?" Derek chewed on his lower lip a little and nodded.

_How'd you hear about it?_ Derek wrote.

"Local news," Les said. "They didn't name names, though. If it had been during a game, your name would've been everywhere." Derek thought this over. This day just kept getting better and better. He started scribbling again.

_I need to quit_, he wrote.

"Knew you were gonna say that," Les said and sighed. "So go ahead, leave me in the lurch with only Michael to keep our heads above water, God help us."

Derek grabbed the pad back and started again. Les put a hand on his arm.

"I'm kidding," he said. "Gonna miss you. If there's any chance of you coming back next summer, or possibly for the holiday rush? Maybe yes? We'd like to have you back."

Derek's stomach settled a little.

"Is that your dad over there?" Les said. Derek turned to see his dad and Casey in the camera section, talking to Brian like they'd known each other forever.

Part Two: George.

George figured that now was as good a time as any, so while Derek was off wherever he went, talking to his boss, George beckoned Casey over to the cameras.

"This was going to be a surprise for Derek. I was supposed to get it the other day, but I couldn't make up my mind."

"What, exactly?" Casey said,with interest.

"This," he said, indicating a very expensive looking HD camcorder.

Casey put a hand over her mouth and jumped up and down a little. Pretty much the reaction he'd been hoping for.

"He's gonna freak," she said.

"Mr. Venturi," Brian said, as he popped over to them. "Good to see you again."

"You too," George said. "This is Casey. Casey, this is Brian."

"_You're_ Casey?" Brian said. "Wow." Then he seemed to remember why he was there. "Have you had a chance to look at any of these?"

"As a matter of fact, yes," George said. He indicated the one that he wanted. "I was hoping you had some of these on hand."

Brian whistled. "Umkay," he said. "Are you sure?"

"Yep," George said. "Wrap 'er up." Brian scampered away to get one from the stock room.

It took Brian five minutes to come back with the camera. George might just have made his day.

"It comes with a carry case, tripod and software," Brian said, a little unsteadily. "And of course, you get Derek's discount, and—"

"And I'm going to need the two-year warranty," George said.

"Um, okay," Brian said.

"Breathe," Casey said.

"Maybe later," Brian said. Casey laughed. Brian brought it to Jacinta, who rang it up, and George handed over his card. Casey blinked at the total, and when George tried to hand her the box, she backed up.

"Uh-uh,"she said. "I'm Klutzilla, remember?"

"Warranty," Brian sang.

"Still terrified," Casey sang back. "Um, Brian," she said, after a minute. "What exactly have you heard about me?"

"Derek's mentioned you," he said. He leaned in close for a second. "Boy is your _slave_, but I didn't say that."

"Wait," Jacinta said, "This is Casey?" Brian nodded.

"You are a lucky girl," she said.

"Yeah," Casey said. "Don't tell him that."

"Course not," Jacinta said. "Boy's crazy about you, though."

"It's obvious," George said.

"But still good to hear," Casey said. Then she saw Derek approaching with another guy. "Speak of the devil."

"And he shall appear," said the guy. "I am Les, by the way. Lester Cunningham." George and Casey shook his hand.

"George Venturi."

"Casey MacDonald."

"_You're_ Casey?" Les said, with interest. "_The_ Casey?" Derek covered his face. George snorted into his hand.

"That I am," she said. She snaked an arm around Derek's waist.

"Out of your league, Der," Les said. Derek nodded.

"Quit it," Casey said.

"He knows I like my little joke," Les said. "It's all out of love. And I will miss the little bug when he's gone."

"Where's he goin?" Brian said.

"He quit," Les said. "Couldn't stand your ugly face anymore."

"Bite me," Brian said. Then he turned to Derek. "Well that sucks, boy. Now we're stuck with only _Michael_. And a sea of women, none of whom will date me."

"That's right," Jacinta said.

"I heard that," Michael called from the door.

"Well, Der," Les said. "I think I speak for everybody when I say that as long as you spend your money here, you will always be loved by us."

_I'm touched_, Derek wrote. He held it up for them to see.

"Speaking of money spent in here," George said. "Why don't you bring this to the car." He handed the bag with the camera in it to Derek, who didn't peek into it at first. The suspense drove George mad.

"I've just broken in your discount," George said. That did it. Derek peeked. He looked up puzzled.

"Will ya just bring your camera to the car already?" George said. Casey laughed at the look on Derek's face.

Les, who had looked over Derek's shoulder said: "Looks like Mr. Venturi's your new best friend, Brian."

"Come on," Casey said. "Before you pull a me and fall down. Let's go sit in the car." She began to lead him out of the store. Derek looked over at George in disbelief as Casey dragged him out.

Part Three: Casey

"Well?" she said. Derek clutched his chest and pretended to keel over in his seat.

"That's pretty much what I thought," she said.

_It's a bit much for a pity gift, though_, Derek wrote.

"George was going to buy you one last week," Casey said. "He just didn't know which one. Said he had to do research."

Derek raised an eyebrow at her.

"I know for a fact he's spoken with that guy—Brian before," Casey said. "That day when you both came in? When you filled out the application?"

He still looked skeptical. "It's true," she said. "And anyway, no one spends this kind of money on pity. So I think you should just enjoy it. You deserve it," she said as she leaned him to give him their usual peck, but he pulled her in and kissed her until she had to pull away, gasping for air.

Then the car door opened and George got in. He started the car without a word and pulled out. As they waited for the light at the exit to turn green, he got the giggles.

"What's so funny, George?" she said.

"I just wondered if you were giving him CPR back there is all."

"George!" she said, turning pink.

After they got home, she caught up with Derek in the driveway. She took him by one shoulder and turned him around

"So, Scorcese," she said. "Am I in your first film?"

_You and a bowl of Forbidden Chocolate ice cream_, he wrote. She smacked his arm.


	8. Chapter 8

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: Y'all know I don't have any claim on LWD...would that ice cream thing have flown if I did? Also there are movie and TV references that I'm sure you'll be shocked to know that I don't own either.

Chapter Eight

Part One: Lizzie

Edwin was hogging the couch again, and Lizzie was not planning to let him hog the remote, too. They'd sat through _High School Musical_ twice with Marti before she'd gone upstairs to crash, and as hot as Lizzie thought Zac Efron was, she wanted to see something else.

"Okay," Edwin said. "Rock paper scissors on three—one, two, three."

Lizzie had rock; Edwin had scissors.

"Best two out of three?" Edwin said.

"Not happening," Lizzie said. She took the remote and hit the viewing guide. Edwin usually flipped through channels lingering just long enough for Lizzie to get interested in something, then changing the channel. She preferred to make an informed decision.

"Do ya have to scroll down so fast?" Edwin said.

"Yes," Lizzie said. "As a matter of fact, I do." She knew there would be no more arguments if for no other reason than because she could pin him. She really appreciated the few opportunities she had to watch whatever she wanted. She landed on a _Degrassi_ rerun. Craig and his band. Even Edwin couldn't complain.

She heard the station wagon pull up. _Damn_, she thought. _Well, it was fun while it lasted_.

"Switch the batteries," Edwin said.

"Huh?"

"Take em out, put em back the wrong way," Edwin said. "It'll take Derek a while to figure it out and we'll at least get to finish the show."

"He falls for that?"

"Every time," Edwin said.

"Bet you he won't."

"He _will_,"Edwin said.

"He'll make you get up and change the channel," Lizzie said.

"I'll just pretend I can't read his handwriting," Edwin said. "Not that that's much of a stretch."

"Five bucks," Lizzie said.

"You're on," Edwin said.

The door opened and George came in with Derek and Casey.

"Whatcha watching?" George said as he sat down on the couch. He pretended that he was about to sit on Edwin if he didn't move. Worked like a charm when George did it, but Lizzie sat on him all the time, so she couldn't pull that trick.

"What took so long?" Edwin said.

"Errands," George said. "What smells so good?"

"Nora's doing a lemon chicken thing," Edwin said.

"Ooh" Casey said. "Is this the one with the Battle of the Bands? Craig is _so_ hot." Derek shot her a look.

"What?" Casey said. "Like you don't like the girl who plays Paige."

"What's in the bag?" Edwin asked. Derek gestured at the bag he held like "What...this?" Then he pulled out the box with the camera.

"Oh my God," Edwin said. He didn't look at the swimsuit issue the way he looked at that box. "Who's gonna teach ya how to use it?"

Derek stuck his tongue out.

"Do you think I can borrow the old one once in a while, since you have this sparkly new one?" Edwin asked. Lizzie knew that the old one really wasn't that old and Edwin was pretty in love with it.

"Um, Derek," George said. "Maybe Edwin can have the old one?" Derek was entranced by something on the back of the box. It took him a second to realize someone was talking to him. He looked up, eyebrows raised.

"I said, maybe Edwin can have the old camera?" George repeated, grinning. Derek nodded.

"Are you serious?" Edwin said. Derek didn't answer; the writing pad remained in his back pocket.

Lizzie didn't like the look in Edwin's eyes. A plan was hatching. Edwin got up and hugged Derek, who for his part, moved the camera box away long enough for Edwin to finish the hug, but never took his eyes off of it. Then Edwin ran upstairs.

"Looks like I've created two monsters for the price of one," George said. "My work here is done; now I must go bug your mother while she is cooking." He got up from the couch and winked at both girls.

Derek went upstairs slowly, in a total daze.

"Boys," Casey said. "But at least the couch is clear."

"Thank God for small favors," Lizzie said.

"What's wrong with the remote?" Casey muttered, shaking it.

Part Two: Nora

"Georgie, if you're gonna eat all of my lemon slices the least you can do is slice some more!" Nora said.

"What lemon slices?" George said, with his mouth full. "I only took one," George said. He put his arms around her waist from behind while she flipped the chicken in a frying pan.

"So?" Nora said. "How'd it go?"

"I'd say Derek is officially cheered up," George said. "Even after he quit his job."

"I hate that he had to do that," Nora said. Derek had been so sweet with his little uniform and nametag.

"Me too," George said. "And he took the news of the speech therapy pretty well, but I can only imagine how much he'll hate it when he actually has to go."

"Well, you said that it was going to be an eventful summer," Nora said.

"Who knew?" George said. Nora heard paper rustling behind her as George took one hand off her waist. "Wanna see something else?" he said.

She took the last of the chicken out of the pan, poured some wine, lemon juice and shallots into the pan and stirred it up. "See what?"

He showed her a folded piece of note paper with _Thanks, Dad_ written on it in a very shaky hand.

"I think I shall frame it," George said. "Don't you usually use more lemon?"

"Yeah, but you know, the acid of that...with Derek," she said. "He really likes this chicken, but I don't want it to hurt him. Less wine, too."

"Didn't even think of that," George said.

"I thought of it ten minutes ago,"Nora said. She put the chicken back into the pan and stirred it up. "Would you call them in?" she said.

Part Three: Casey

After dinner, Casey sprawled across Derek's bed with a groan.

"I cannot believe how much I just ate," Casey said. Derek smirked.

"I can't believe how much _you_ just ate," she said. "Even for you." He took a bow before sitting at his desk.

Derek had yet to take the camera out of the box. He had slid out the packet with the directions and registration information from it and was currently reading through both. He wheeled the desk chair over to the side of the bed and put his pad and pen on the bed for easy access.

Casey had never seen him be so methodical. She watched in fascination as he grabbed an almost untouched pad of post its from the desk and used them to mark pages and make notes. He caught her watching him and crossed his eyes at her.

"You're so cute," she said. He looked scandalized. "I mean it. Do you read anything else that thoroughly?"

_Harry Potter_, he wrote. _Once I wrestle it away from Dad. _

"Crap," Casey said. "We're going to have a real problem when the next one comes out." Derek nodded.

"So you haven't told me yet," Casey said. "What's your first movie about?"

Derek thought for a second, then wrote: _It's about a neurotic actress getting ready for an audition. _

"Really?" Casey asked. "Who you gonna get to be in it?"

_Duh, Casey_, he wrote. _How many of crazy actresses do you know? _

"The entire drama club at school?" Casey said.

_I wanna film you getting ready for the audition at the end of the week_, he wrote.

"Oh I'm not doing that anymore," Casey said.

Derek threw his hands up in exasperation. _Why not?_ He wrote.

"Just doesn't seem like a good time," Casey said. "Figured that in your present state the last thing you'd want is to listen to a bunch of loud singing."

_I'm fine with it_, he wrote. _Bring on the loud singing. I will be very bored this week and filming you doing that will give me something to do. Even if you won't take your clothes off. Besides, you've been wanting to do a play for months. You were all pissed when they pushed back the date._

"Okay, so I was excited about it, but you know how I get," Casey said.

_Never stopped you before_, Derek wrote. _And it'll be entertaining_.

"Your own personal _A Star is Born_?" Casey said. He shrugged. She should've known he wouldn't get that reference. She couldn't think of anything more recent.

"_Phantom of the Opera_?" she tried. He cocked an eyebrow at her. "Okay, maybe not," she said.

_So will you do it or what?_ He wrote.

"Yeah, okay. I will," Casey said. "Who knew you'd be all into this?"

_I'd watch you do anything, _he wrote.

"Right answer," Casey said. She sat up and scrambled across the bed to where he was and planted one on him. He was a little caught off guard by that so the chair moved back a few inches and almost tipped him out of it before he regained control of it.

"Sorry," Casey said.

Derek got up from the chair and sat on the bed next to her. He put a hand into her hair, pulling the ponytail holder out of it and letting it fall down. He twined both hands into it and pulled her head closer to his for the kiss. Nobody else was allowed anywhere _near_ her hair. Just like nobody else got to touch that spot at the nape of Derek's neck. She loved to do that and watch him try to be cool while he broke out in goosebumps. She planned to spend the whole summer eating ice pops and then making out with him to double his shivers.

"Wait a minute," Casey said, pulling away slightly. "Is this anything like the casting couch?" He rolled his eyes. She laughed.

_This__ is a bed_, he wrote. _And you already have the lead_. _Perfectly ethical unless you're using your director for more perks._

"What perks?" Casey said.

Derek shrugged. Then he pointed to himself.

"A perk is an air conditioned trailer, or M&Ms with certain colors picked out. Neurotic actress that I am, I'm thinking I want bottled water from a spring someplace expensive," Casey said. " Make-out privileges with the director who has, by the way, proven himself to be easy, don't count as perks."

_This is an indie_, he wrote. _You should sacrifice for your art._

"Sacrifice what," Casey said. "Make-out time? Don't think so." She pinned him down and kissed him again.

Part Four: Edwin

Lizzie came into Edwin's room with a look of ultimate disgust after she was done taking out the garbage.

"They're at it again," she said.

Edwin was going through the instruction booklet for Derek's old camera to refresh his memory. It was dog eared and underlined so it wasn't hard to find information he wanted. He'd just plugged the battery charger in and put one of the spare batteries in it while he fiddled with the camera itself. He picked it up and brought Lizzie into focus and followed her as she moved across the room to the little window seat.

"Quit it," she said, covering her face. She was cute when she was camera shy. The sun was setting and he got a little of it through that window. It caught her hair and put part of her face (and in this case, her hands) in shadow. He had the coolest shot ever and had no intention of giving it up.

"Not happening," Edwin said. "Now do something."

"Like what?" Lizzie said.

"I dunno," Edwin said. "Tell me about what Derek and Casey were doing."

"Ew!" Lizzie said. "Nobody wants to hear about that."

"I do," Marti said from the doorway. Edwin swung the camera to her. She really did have a talent for popping up at the right moment.

"Were they kissing?" Marti said, walking into the room.

"Go over to the bed," Edwin said, so he could get both of them in the shot.

"'Course they were kissing," Lizzie said. "It's what they do. When they're not wrestling."

Marti giggled. "What's your movie about?" she asked.

"I don't know yet. Thought I'd remind myself how to focus the thing and keep the shot steady before I actually plan something. Don't want to make anyone dizzy."

"Well, I think that it should be about the incredible true adventures of Marti Venturi," Marti said. "It'll make millions."

"Marti Venturi, _Before They Were Stars_," Lizzie said.

"What do you mean, _before_," Marti said. Edwin got a close up of her walking one of his old action figures across his headboard. She made him do a flip and land on the bed.

"What are you doing, Marti," Lizzie said. Edwin shifted the camera back to her, finally getting a clear shot in close up. She seemed to have more or less forgotten that the camera was there. She'd finally relaxed and smiled at Marti. He kept the camera on her until the battery light started to flash.


	9. Chapter 9

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I clearly do not own anything to do with _Life With Derek,_ it's characters or whatever else I'll think of later. I also don't own the rights to _Little Shop of Horrors_, though I have it own DVD. Ditto _Les Miserables_ and _Phantom of the Opera. _I made up the names of the stores in this too. Sorry if I accidentally mentioned some real ones. Didn't mean to.

Chapter Nine

Part One: Casey.

The next morning after breakfast, Derek beckoned her over to the car. Apparently they were going to the mall for sheet music. Lizzie and Edwin had finally, momentously been declared old enough not only to stay by themselves for a few hours but to watch Marti, so Derek and Casey grabbed the opportunity to make a break for it.

_Principle photography starts after lunch_, Derek wrote. This was going to be a long week.

_What's the show again_, Derek wrote, after he pulled into a parking spot at the mall.

"_Little Shop of Horrors_," Casey said. Derek looked impressed.

_I saw the movie_, he wrote. _Didn't suck._

"One of my favorites," Casey said.

_Thought you liked the one with the dude in the mask?_ Derek wrote. _Or the French revolution one?_

_Translation: Phantom of the Opera and Les Mis_, Casey thought as they got out of the car and headed toward the entrance.

"I do," she said. "But I think this was the first one I saw when I was a kid. Had a crush on Seymour."

Derek raised an eyebrow at her and made a show of backing away slowly. He whistled and twirled a finger in the air up near his head. Then he began to run.

"Der-_ek_!" Casey said, giving chase. She grabbed him around the waist from behind. He made no attempt to get away. As usual. Until she began to tickle. Then, he wheezed laughter and wiggled away, holding up one hand in a warding off of the evil eye gesture.

"You are so easy," Casey said. Derek reached into his back pocket for his writing pad, but it wasn't there. He checked his other pockets and came up with nothing. Then Casey caught on.

"Sorry," she said, handing it to him. She'd stuck it into her bag when they'd gotten out of the car. "Guess it's a good thing I'm not power mad or anything, huh?"

_You? Power mad? The heck you say_, Derek wrote.

"What do you mean by that?" Casey said. "Do you think I'm some kind of harpy? That I boss you around or something? Is that what you think of our relationship?"

Derek put his hand on her arm in a pathetic (in Casey's opinion) attempt to placate her. He was about to tell her he was kidding. A likely story. She started to walk off in a huff and heard him start to give chase.

He caught up to her easily, putting a hand on her shoulder to turn her around. He had a look of utmost contrition on his face.

Casey looked at him in disgust for a good ten seconds before she said "I repeat, you are _so_ easy."

From the look on his face, he didn't know whether to laugh or drown her in the fountain.

_See? _he wrote. _You never would've gotten me before. Guess I __am__ whipped._

"You are," Casey said. "Now what were you about to say before?"

Derek looked puzzled, then wrote: _I didn't know what store we need._

"We have a choice, actually," Casey said. "The BookShelf or Musicville. What do you think?"

_Coffee_, Derek wrote. _Then, Musicville?_

Part Two: Derek

Everybody he knew seemed to work at this mall. Casey was being good about explaining his situation to people, but it was just so damn awkward. He thought Casey must have felt like this all the time. He never made it easy for her either. He watched her handle people and graciously deflect the stupider ones. The fact that she was suddenly the collected one almost seemed like poetic justice.

At the coffee counter before, for example,Casey went ahead to order, leaving Derek on a bench, but Jenny, the counter girl (and former flavor of the week) spotted him. So there was no staying away. The girl had a voice that could crack steel and she directed it toward him to get him to come say hi. Casey had explained to Jenny about Derek's predicament, saving him the trouble of having to go through a game of charades, at least. Jenny first took a step back from Derek, as if he were contagious, then began to speak to him in a louder voice.

"Oh my gosh!" she borderline-yelled. "Sweetie, I think that it's official! You just have the worst luck ever! I mean to have to depend on someone else to order your coffee for you, I mean it must be so HUMILIATING—"

_This moment would be a new high, thank you_, he thought. He kept the thought to himself. He smiled and shrugged.

"This is why I thought maybe an iced soy latte would make him feel a little better,"Casey said, reminding Jenny that she did in fact have a job to do.

"Oh YEAH," Jenny said. She bounced over to make Derek's latte and Casey's iced green tea. Jenny gave Derek whipped cream.

"It's non-dairy, babes," Jenny explained. The "babes" really chapped Casey's ass, Derek could tell. He decided to be a good boyfriend and put an arm around her waist.

When it came time to pay, Casey had cash ready, but Derek reached over her and slipped Jenny a ten. It was a move he always made with girls. You had to pay for them; so it was written and so it shall be done. It was one reason why he was always bugging Edwin for money. He braced for the argument Casey was sure to give him. Why anyone would complain about someone else paying was beyond him, but this was _Casey_ after all.

"Thanks, Derek," Casey said, stuffing her cash back into her jeans pocket.

They found another bench, this time in front of the pet store where they had a decent view of a fish tank on one side and some sleeping hamsters and a ferret on the other.

"That big one is totally watching us," Casey said. "What's a piranha look like? Can they sell piranhas in Canada?"

_Just in case,_ Derek wrote. _You walk by first_.

"The way you talk to me," Casey began, "You must really want to be covered in this green tea,"

_Ooh, Kinky_, Derek wrote. _You're sexy when you're violent. _

"Casey!" a voice said behind them. Tinker Tomlin. He was wearing what looked like a gondolier's uniform with Gianni's Pizzeria written on the back. Casey winced. He tossed a nonchalant "Hey Derek," over his shoulder as he knelt in front of Casey, taking both of her hands in his. "Fancy meeting you here."

"Surprise, surprise," Casey said, pulling her hands back. She put one hand casually over Derek's. Derek for his part was doing his best to get Tinker to spontaneously combust. He pictured a smoking pair of work boots on the floor in front of them. The mind was supposed to be a powerful instrument, and maybe if he really concentrated, he could at least...cause a case of prickly heat?

Derek tuned back in to the conversation. Casey was saying something about babysitting and picking Marti up from day camp in the afternoons.

"In fact, we're running late, so if you'll excuse us." She took a quick pull on her iced tea, and moved to get up.

"Me too actually," Tinker said. "Hope to see you around."

"How bout we get the music before anyone else comes up to us?" Casey said when Tinker was out of earshot. "If this is popularity, you can have it."

They went into the music store, and as usual Derek had to be dragged away from the new release section.

"We need to stick to the task at hand first," Casey said. Derek rolled his eyes.

Musicville's sheet music section consisted of one rickety magazine rack next to the posters. Derek pointed to a poster of a kitten coming out of a boot. He pretended to dry heave. Casey laughed.

"There's not much to choose from here," she said. She held up a Broadway compilation book. "At least this has 'Somewhere That's Green,' in it, so it'll do."

_You're gonna audition with that? _Derek wrote.

"That was the idea, yeah," Casey said. "Why?"

_Everyone is going to sing that_, Derek wrote. _What if you're last in a long line of that song?_

"So I should go with some _Les Mis_ maybe?" Casey said. " 'On My Own?' "

Derek shook his head. _No Showtunes_, he wrote.

"I'm trying out for a musical," Casey said. "There will be showtunes involved, Derek."

He left the posters he'd been sifting through and went to the rack. He rooted around and pulled out a book with a clearance sticker on it. He looked at the song listing on the back and handed it to her.

"This," Casey began. "Looks like fun, actually, so I'll get it anyway, but I'm getting the showtune book too." It was the best Derek could hope for.

Later, at the house, when Derek set up the camera and gestured for Casey to go ahead, she went for the Broadway book first and he resigned himself to hearing it. He got several minutes of vocal warmups, some of which made him think of cartoon sound effects. This, he figured, might just be what he was going to be in for in speech therapy. _Yikes_, he thought.

When she was done with that, she opened the book to "Somewhere That's Green." She peered at the sheet music as if it held the meaning of life. He zoomed in on her while she hit one key on the piano. Derek shook his head from behind the camera.

"Oops,"Casey said and hit another. "No that's not it either..."

Derek reached over and hit the right one.

"Since when do you read music?" Casey said. Derek shrugged.

"Did you take piano lessons, Derek?" Casey asked. "You did, didn't you?"

"He plays guitar better," Edwin said from the stairs. Derek panned over to him."Not that that's saying much. He plays piano like Dad types." Edwin mimed hunting and pecking with two fingers as he came downstairs.

Derek held the camera with one hand as he wrote awkwardly with the other. _Why don't __you__ play for us, then?_

"If you want," Edwin said. "I suck at it too, but I'm not shy about it. And I use more than two fingers." Edwin winked at the camera, cracked his knuckles theatrically, and sat on the piano bench.

Edwin's tempo was off by a little and he had a habit of wincing and shaking his head whenever he screwed up, calling way more attention to the mistakes than was necessary, but he was on key and the mistakes he did make weren't really the type that threw Casey off. She sang that depressing song she picked pretty well. By the end of it, Lizzie and Marti had both trickled in. Derek waved them into the shot.

"What do you think?" she said to the camera. Derek gave her thumbs up and made sure it got in the shot. "Edwin?" she said.

"Well," Edwin said. "It's no _Polly Wolly Doodle_, but I guess it'll do." Marti laughed.

"You'll nail it," Lizzie said.

"Again?" Marti said.

"You guys," Casey said. "You're sweet, but you're totally lying. I _need_ to do that again."

"Have fun," Edwin said, inching away.

"Nuh-uh; where do you think you're going?" Casey said. She flipped some pages back to the beginning of the song and gestured for him to start again.

_Uh-oh_, Derek thought. _Neurotic Casey has come for a visit. This is going to be a long week._

Part Three: Edwin

Edwin wouldn't tell Lizzie what he'd been shooting with that camera. She knew he'd filmed stuff that day, but he refused to show her.

"You'll see," he kept saying.

"You have that camera hidden somewhere in the house."

"No," Edwin said. "I do not have the camera hidden. It's right here." He gestured to it, nestled as it was on his desk. She went to it and picked it up.

"Memory card's not in it," Edwin said. She put it back.

"Gawd, you're driving me nuts!" Lizzie said. "Why won't you just show me? You know I can keep a secret!"

"And you'll be the first to know," Edwin said. "Gimme another day or so."

"Aargh," Lizzie said, stomping off.

He was a little disappointed that she didn't try to beat it out of him. She was so cute when she was violent.


	10. Chapter 10

And The Winner Is...

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I don't own Life with Derek, it's characters, or any of the things I reference here.

Chapter Ten

Part One : Derek

After three days, even Derek had to admit that he was running Casey ragged.

"You're bossy," she'd said the night before. "Even for you."

It wasn't intentional this time. He just knew how important the part was to her. No matter what she said, she really wanted to be Audrey, and his job, clearly, was to help her get what she wanted.

But she needed a break, so when she knocked on his door this morning and told him that Emily had invited them over to hang out by the pool and do nothing in particular, he'd been happy to go along.

_But I'm bringing the camera_, Derek wrote. It was waterproof up to thirty feet, so even if they tried to throw it into the pool, he'd be okay.

"I figured you would," Casey said. "I'll tell Em to put lipgloss on."

Sheldon greeted them at the door. Derek never thought anyone his own age could come off like such a husband, but there was their own personal Ward Cleaver standing right there. The only thing missing was a pipe.

"Casey, Derek, I am so glad you could make it!" Sheldon said. He shook Derek's hand. Kid had a grip like iron. Derek waggled his hand to realign the bones afterward. Then Sheldon gave Casey an almost air kiss, barely brushing her cheek.

He led the two of them to the patio.

"Can I get either of you anything to drink or to munch on? Emily will be down in a sec, but we have soda, juice, vitamin water?" Sheldon said.

"No thanks, Shel," Casey said.

Derek shook his head and motioned that Sheldon should sit down and relax.

"I actually need to check on the corn," Sheldon said. "So I shall return."

"Do you need help?" Casey said.

"Nah, I'll just be a sec," Sheldon said. "You guys relax."

After he'd disappeared back into the house, Casey turned to Derek and whispered in his ear: "Sheldon is such a daddy!"

_I keep expecting Wally and the Beav to pop up_, Derek wrote. Casey was just crumbling it, and Derek was setting up the camera, when Emily made her entrance.

And an entrance it was. She had on a little bikini and a wraparound skirt thing that showed her entire right leg in all it's glory. Casey, seeing her, began to fiddle with the frayed edges of her cut offs and worry the hem of Derek's orangutan shirt which she'd borrowed about a month ago and had never given back.

Derek got all of this on camera, of course.

"Do I get my own theme music?" Emily joked.

"That is such a great outfit, Em," Casey said. "I feel like such a schlub now."

"With your legs," Emily said. "Puh-leeze."

They kept the girl talk up for another minute or so, and Derek tuned out until Sheldon showed up with chips and dip and began to fuss over everybody once again.

"Derek," he said. "Sure you don't want anything? Feeling okay? I could make some tea if you like, honey and lemon?"

Derek shook his head and pointed to an empty chair.

_Schlep, they are starting to talk hair products_, Derek wrote. _Sit here, and talk about anything else, please?_

"Aw, but I was just going to ask how you got your hair so_ fluffy!" _Sheldon saidDerek hoped he was kidding.

"So," Sheldon said. "Have you been cooped up the whole week? I'd be postal by now."

_Not really. Casey's going out for a play this week, and I've been filming her getting ready_, Derek wrote.

"Oh, _Little Shop of Horrors_?" Sheldon said. "Us too! I've never actually done a show before, but I've always wanted to."

"Hey, Babe," Sheldon said to Emily. "Casey's going out for the play after all."

Casey didn't seem to notice it,(Derek hoped), but for a second, the smile dropped off of Emily's face, then reappeared.

"Cool!" Emily said. "Are you trying for Audrey?"

"I'll take whatever part they give me," Casey said. "But yeah. Who are you trying for?"

"Audrey," Emily said.

_Dun dun duuuun_, Derek thought. He bit his lip. He and Sheldon looked from one girl to the other.

"Well," Casey said. "I hope one of us gets it."

_Oh, crap_, Derek thought.

"So you're going out, too, Sheldon?" Casey said. "Seymour, right?"

"Would be nice, but I might just end up in the chorus or something, and that'd be pretty cool, too," Sheldon said. Nobody was convinced by that.

"You know you wanna be Seymour," Emily said.

"Yeah," Sheldon said. "But I'm adaptable, ya know. A bit of a chameleon. That's supposed to be the mark of a master thespian, so..."

Derek's mouth twitched. Casey's eyebrow followed suit.

Emily wrinkled her nose. "You said _thespian_," she said. Sheldon rolled his eyes.

"Means _actor_," Sheldon said. "Get your mind out of the gutter."

They all let that hang in the air for a second. Nobody bothered to explain that they knew what a thespian was. Then Emily said, "I, for one, am going to take a dip. Who's with me?" She got up and dropped the skirt thing onto the chair next to her and took off the beads she'd been wearing.

"Me!" Casey said. Derek, for a second, had a vivid image of Emily holding Casey's head under the water, but then he got distracted.

Casey was lifting his orangutan shirt up over her midsection and then over her head to show off a bikini top of her own. She then unbuttoned her cutoffs and wiggled out of them to reveal some little boyshorts.

Now, Derek knew that she couldn't possibly have done that in slow motion, but that's the way he saw it nonetheless. He hoped to God he'd gotten it on tape, because that's the way he planned to edit it. In slow motion. With music.

Derek caught sight of Sheldon looking as thunderstruck as Derek himself did. Sheldon's eyes were very much glued to Emily.

"Sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you," Sheldon sang. He knelt at Emily's feet. Emily got giggly and quickly lost the swagger that the bikini seemed to have given her.

"Ohhh," Casey cooed. "Can you stand it?"

Derek shook his head, but then Casey put her arms around him from behind and the feel of her bare skin even through his t-shirt made him forget what they were talking about.

"Derek—"

He looked up at Casey.

"I _said_, don't you want to get into the pool with me?" He nodded. He was capable of little else. The writing pad lay forgotten on the table in front of him. Casey popped the camera onto the tripod and tightened the nut to hold it in place.

"Now, strip," Casey said. He pulled his shirt off, to catcalls from Emily and Sheldon who were already in the water.

Part Two: Casey.

Who knew Sheldon was so sweet? She watched him fuss over Emily, toweling her off, cocooning her in the towel, even, and after that, relotioning her back.

Derek was much calmer. His aversion to public displays of affection was well known, but he was mellowing. His hand always seemed to be on Casey lately. He touched her arm every once in a while, almost like he was making sure she was still there. He tucked her hair behind her ear, little things like that. She found herself agreeing with him that there was no need to be over the top with the PDA when it was so obvious how crazy they were about each other.

Casey soon noticed, however, that Sheldon fussed and hovered over her and Derek too, albeit in an unromantic way (thankfully). He seemed convinced that Derek felt miserable and left out of the conversation so he made sure that he asked Derek a lot of questions.

"So, how did this happen?" Sheldon said, gesturing at Derek's throat. They were back at the patio table, some decimated sandwich fixings between them all.

_Yelling_, Derek wrote. Casey read over his shoulder. _Apparently I cannot yell anymore._

"Gotta learn how to project," Sheldon said.

_From the diaphragm_, Derek thought.

"From the diaphragm," Sheldon said.

_So I'm told_, Derek wrote.

"How many times since the accident?" Sheldon asked. Casey thought Derek would be dying to change the subject at this point but he must have decided that resistance was futile. That or he was actually getting comfortable around Sheldon. He held up his index finger.

"Okay," Sheldon said. "But if it keeps happening, you might wanna look into therapy. I have this cousin in Montreal who's studying speech pathology and I'm nosy so I've asked her all about it, and it honestly doesn't sound as scary as it could. Even though she makes me paranoid. I don't so much as sing in the _shower_ without warming up. What's funny?"

_I have an appt. on Tues. for speech therapy, _Derek wrote. _After the doc says I'm allowed to talk._

"That's five days away." Sheldon said. "I can't be quiet for five minutes."

_We've noticed_, Derek wrote.

_Way to rub it in, Schlep_, Casey thought.

"But I guess Casey's been keeping you busy, huh?" Sheldon said. "We should ask if they have anyone to tape the show itself. You can make a little money off that. And if Casey gets the lead, then you got a full fledged documentary on your hands."

"Who wants dessert?" Emily said. "Babe, why don't you come give me a hand."

"I can help," Casey said.

"No, you're a guest," Emily said. Sheldon was already getting up but he wasn't fast enough and Emily yanked him by the arm toward the sliding door to the kitchen.

"Wonder what that's about," Casey said.

_Somebody's in trouble_, Derek wrote. Through the sliding glass door they could see Emily stomping through the kitchen, slamming the freezer door after she grabbed some ice. Sheldon stood off to one side and watched her attack the blender. Every time she hit a button on the blender, Casey imagined her saying "Take that! And THAT!"

She just didn't know why.

"What'd Sheldon do?" she asked. Casey thought that she saw a look flit across Derek's face, one that said that he knew exactly what was up with Emily. But it disappeared right away and was replaced with a look of innocent confusion. She was about to start interrogating him when Emily and Sheldon came back out.

"I come bearing smoothies," Emily said. Casey caught Derek's eye and tried to look apologetic. She knew Derek never wanted to see another one of those as long as he lived. But he took it, God bless him, and pretended he loved nothing more than a good smoothie.

Part Three: Sheldon

Derek caught Sheldon's eye when he came back out onto the patio. For a second, Sheldon didn't know whom he was more afraid of, Derek or Emily. He did not want to have the conversation he was about to have.

He took a deep breath. "So, Derek," he said. "I kinda wanna ask your opinion on something, so...um..." He cocked his head to one side to beckon Derek over to the kitchen. Derek followed him in, and slid the door shut.

"So," Sheldon began. "I..." He paced for a few seconds and tried again.

"Are we..."

_We're both screwed_, Derek wrote.


	11. Chapter 11

And The Winner Is...

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: Nope, don't have any claim on LWD, Nirvana, Fall Out Boy, _Rolling Stone_ magazine (outside of the subscription that is). And opinions expressed on any subject are those of the fictional characters alone. Okay?

Chapter Eleven

Part One: Edwin

Lizzie was lying across Edwin's bed while he noodled around on his new computer. He was playing solitaire, but only minutes ago, Lizzie had tried her damnedest to get him to show her what he'd filmed so far. He'd let her see some mild "Marti Trying to do Cartwheels in the Backyard" footage and some of "Dad Barbecuing, Part One!" None of which scratched the surface of what he was really up to. But now he was playing solitaire and listening to the music he'd put on shuffle.

Now and then he caught Lizzie bopping her head to the music as she went through one of Derek's old issues of _Rolling Stone_. He hoped his bed would smell a little of that stuff she wears, the fruity stuff that Casey gave her for her birthday.

"Why's everyone who writes for this magazine so _angry_?" Lizzie said, finally closing it and putting it aside.

"Dunno," Edwin said.

A new song kicked in-- Nirvana's "About a Girl."

"Do you realize that this song is older than we are?" Lizzie said, sitting up.

"It's about as old as Derek," Edwin said. That was part of what he liked about it. He couldn't explain why, but he had a soft spot for music more than ten years old. He loved most new stuff, but the old stuff gave him the same feeling he'd gotten going through all of the old attic stuff when they'd been setting the attic up as his room.

Lizzie smiled and wrinkled her nose. "Can't really dance to it, though."

"Maybe _you_ can't..." Edwin said, and did his own, patented, jerky, drunk old man at a wedding dance.

"That" Lizzie said, pointing, "is why no one admits to knowing you at school dances."

"They're jealous," Edwin said. He did a quick cabbage patch, then the snake. He went over to the bed and grabbed her arm.

"Dance with me," he said, pulling her up. He dared to pull her close for a second, then took her left hand in his right, lifted it up, and tangoed her across the room.

"Oh my God," Lizzie said as Edwin's first attempt at a dip went horribly wrong and they both collapsed in a heap onto the floor.

This was the type of opportunity that Derek would have taken, but Edwin's first instinct had been to roll off of Lizzie really fast and ask her twenty different ways whether she was _absolutely sure_ that she was okay.

"Relax, doofus," Lizzie said. "I'm okay!"

He helped her up and she pulled herself together, running one hand through her hair and smoothing her shirt down. Somehow she managed to look freshly pressed. That had to be a MacDonald thing, because no one in his family had ever looked that neat and fresh, not for a minute. Maybe Marti...for a minute.

Edwin himself, for example, was thoroughly wrinkled and his hair was currently flopping onto his forehead and curling a little. He pushed it back and it flopped back down.

"Need a haircut," he muttered to himself. He half wanted to put on a hat.

"No you don't," Lizzie said. She ran both hands through his hair in one quick, almost professional move (another MacDonald thing—Nora did it all the time). "Now don't touch," Lizzie said, her nose almost touching his. Then she moved back again.

Another blown opportunity.

In his mind, he could hear Derek say, "_Am_ateur!"

While Imaginary Derek berated him, his dad poked his head into the room.

"What the hell you two doing up there?"

"Fell down," Lizzie said.

"Sounded like the end of the world," Dad said.

"Sorry," Edwin said.

"Just try not to break anything, 'kay?" With that, Dad turned around and went back down the stairs. Edwin could hear him singing the Nirvana song all the way down.

Nirvana gave way to Fall Out Boy, so Edwin gave a little bow and held his arms out to dance with Lizzie again.

Part Two: Derek.

As he and Casey crossed their lawn, Derek had one massive headache. He needed to stop thinking about what Sheldon had just said to him and he needed to do so now, or his circuits might overheat.

Unfortunately, Casey would be interrogating him as soon as they got inside, he was sure of it.

And Sheldon had asked him not to tell her.

He'd begged, in fact.

"I'm even sorry I told _you,_" Sheldon had said. "I really do have the single biggest mouth in Canada."

Derek hadn't disagreed. Earlier, Sheldon, with his usual tact and grace, had responded to Derek's raised eyebrows with :

"Okay, so Casey is taller, thinner, has better grades, and does everything better than Emily. According to Em herself, anyway. And she thinks that Casey has gotten everything that Emily's ever wanted."

_Like what?_ Derek wrote.

"Like _you_, for example," Sheldon said. "You so much as _wink_ at her, and I can consider myself dumped. I'd feel the wind of her passing me by and wonder where it came from."

"And now she wants a certain part, and when Casey said she wasn't trying out, Emily thought she had a shot," Sheldon continued. "Now she thinks that's gone poof, too."

It took a few blinks for Derek to process this. He raised a finger, then lowered it. He opened his mouth, then closed it. He picked up the pad again.

_Why the hell do you put up with this, Schlep?_ He wrote. He wanted to be able to yell at Sheldon so much right then.

"I love her?" Sheldon said.

This was about where Derek's headache started.

This was really not something Derek wanted to share. So, on their couch, a few minutes later, when Casey turned to him and asked just what the hell was going on, he'd shrugged.

"Derek," Casey said. "I know you know something, so just tell me."

He looked at her pleadingly.

"Come on, this is serious, isn't it?" Casey said. "If there's something that I should know about, you can't let me go around completely ignorant of something everyone else seems to know. Now what's going on with Emily and Sheldon? It's important right?"

_Why do you want to know?_ Derek wrote.

"I don't know!" Casey said. "Maybe it's something I can help with?"

Derek shook his head.

"Then is it really bad?" Casey asked. "Is Emily pregnant?"

Derek burst out laughing. It was getting to be a real chore to laugh quietly. Especially if people were going to continue to be so ridiculous.

"Okay, not pregnant," Casey said. "A simple no would've done the trick, Derek."

_Sorry_, he mouthed.

"So then why did Emily turn so psycho and secretive on what seemed like a perfectly nice little pool party? And you know, and Sheldon knows and I don't know. What is wrong with that picture?" Casey said.

She was figuring it out. Sherlock Holmes had nothing on her.

"So," Casey said. "It's about me?"

Derek raised his eyebrows and said nothing.

"Why would Emily be so pissed at me that she'd attack a poor defenseless blender?"

Derek shrugged.

"But I didn't even freakin do anything!" Casey said. "What'd I do?"

Derek shook his head.

"Okay," Casey said. "You're obviously not going to tell me. So I can drive myself nuts about it or I can get ready for tomorrow..."

This made Derek bite his lip. He was so lucky that he didn't play poker.

"Oh crap," Casey said. "I'm such an idiot."

Derek knew enough not to nod his head at this.

"It's because I've been so busy getting ready for this audition and Em and I have barely spoken all week. I didn't even ask her what she was going to sing! She must think I am so self-involved!" Casey said. She couldn't really be this dense could she?

_Sorry Sheldon_, he thought.

_You two are going for the same part_, he wrote.

"That's what she's mad about?" Casey said. "But that's so stupid! Probably neither of us'll get the part, and we can be in the chorus together! God, what a _drama_ queen!"

Casey got up to change before dinner, and Derek started to bang his head on the arm of the couch.

Part Three: George

Derek had a look on his face that George knew well. It was a mix of confusion, exasperation, abject misery and the tiniest dash of exhaustion.

_Welcome to your first serious relationship, son_, George thought. He ruffled Derek's hair as he passed the couch.

"Dinner's almost ready," he said. Derek nodded, but for a change, looked a little less than enthusiastic. That wouldn't last. All George would have to do is open the oven and release the meatloaf scent into the air and kids would come out of the woodwork.

He was, of course, breaking in the new potholders Marti made at day camp this week, just as the whole family had been making use of the lanyards and the paperweights. One week at day camp and the girl turned into Marti Stewart.

"Can I do the garnish, Daddy?" Marti asked when she came down.

"The, um...garnish?" George said. He didn't even think he had parsley.

"Cuz Tony's going to cooking school and he says that you gotta make food pretty, otherwise people won't eat it. I told him he never met Smerek and Edwin, but he does make the food pretty." Tony was one of her camp counselors. She talked about him a lot.

"Anyway," Marti continued. "He put ketchup squiggles on the burgers the other day, and I thought that meatloaf would be good with some ketchup squiggles."

So he let her pre-ketchup the meatloaf.

"Pretty," Edwin said when he saw it.

"Well, Miss Smarti," Nora said. "You must help with dinner more often."

"I would need a raise in my allowance, though, cuz top chefs don't come cheap."

Derek and Edwin snorted in perfect unison. Both had taught her well over the years. Casey clapped a hand over her mouth, having just taken a sip of her milk. She got up and headed to the sink, where it was a full minute before she could even spit it out. Lizzie and Nora laughed openly.

"Good one," Nora said.

"Who's kidding?" Marti said, holding out a hand.

"Need I remind you of the new bike, new sneakers and assorted new other stuff?" George said.

"Oh yeah," Marti said. She turned to Derek. "Smerek, finish your meatloaf." He'd barely touched it thus far. He really was in a bad mood.

But he ate when she told him to.


	12. Chapter 12

And The Winner Is...

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: Let's see. I don't own any of the characters of _LWD_ or _Little Shop of Horrors_, any of the songs therein or any other songs I mention. Or Zero 7. Or anything else I may have forgotten.

Chapter Twelve

Part One: Nora

As is her habit the night before an audition, class presentation, exam, or dance recital, Casey had to be dissuaded from staying up all night to prepare. Just in case it didn't work, Nora had extra coffee made and bribed Lizzie and Edwin so that they'd pretend to listen to Casey sing an extra couple of times. But it turned out not to be necessary because Derek somehow got her to go to bed at a reasonable hour.

It was genius. First he made Marti pretend to fall asleep on the couch. She curled up into a ball, Sir Monks-a-lot in the crook of one arm. Then Edwin, with subtlety no one knew he possessed, pretended to fight off sleep, his eyes rolling back in his head every once in a while. His head dropped and he shook it every so often to clear it. Lizzie leaned heavily against his arm and stared at Casey with heavy-lidded, disinterested eyes.

"Okay, guys," Casey said. "Go to bed, I can do this alone."

"Nah," Edwin said. "S'okay, we're watching." He yawned widely enough to fit the whole couch into his mouth. He made only the slightest pretense of covering it.

The yawn, of course, set off a chain reaction. Nora yawned. George yawned as he carried Marti (who may or may not have fallen asleep for real) upstairs. Lizzie's jaw popped a little as she yawned, which in turn made Derek bite his lip hard to stifle his own yawn. He looked almost simian when he did that, and Nora smiled at the thought.

_What?_ Derek mouthed. Nora shook her head.

"Seriously," Casey said. "I can tell when you've had enough. Besides, If I keep singing this song, I'll sound like Derek by morning. No offense."

_None taken_, he wrote. Then he stuck his tongue out at her.

"I'll just listen to the song a couple more times," Casey said. "And study the sides of the script and then I'll go to bed too."

Lizzie and Edwin took that as their cue to go upstairs, both mumbling their good nights and climbing up the stairs with what looked like their last ounces of energy, which, in Nora's opinion, was laying it on a little thick. George passed them on the stairs and headed directly toward the basement.

Nora glanced at Derek, who got up from his spot on the piano bench (thankfully, Casey hadn't tried to get anyone to accompany her this time of night). He stretched and cracked his knuckles before going over to shut off the camera and take it off its tripod. He put it into its case while Nora gathered up the assorted stuff on the coffee table, the bag of chips, some plastic tumblers. Casey helped Nora clean up, but Nora lingered in the kitchen with an ear toward the living room. She killed a few minutes by washing the tumblers, setting up the coffee maker, and wiping the counters down. Then she went into the living room on the pretense that she forgot something, and, once she was there, pretended to straighten up the dining room.

She found Derek standing behind the couch where Casey was sitting, trying to read. He was kneading her shoulders for all he was worth.

"Quit it," Casey said. "It won't work."

Derek gave her a look of utmost innocence.

"I know you're trying to make me sleepy," she said. "I'm just too keyed up, especially after today. But you can go to bed if you want to."

He gave up on the massage and sat next to her. He wrote her the odd note, which Nora was too far away to see. Casey gave him monosyllabic answers.

Slowly, he started to nod off. He put his head on her shoulder; she scratched it absently the way you would a cat, and continued to read and take notes on sticky tabs to put onto the script. Somehow, after a minute or three, his head ended up on her lap. On top of the script. That was when she finally yawned. She rolled her eyes.

"Okay," Casey said, prodding him, gently. "Uncle."

"You win," she said, as he looked at her blearily. "I'm going to bed."

He threw in one more yawn. Nora hoped he was recovered enough that it no longer hurt to yawn. He got up from the couch and she followed.

"Night mom," Casey said as she started up the stairs.

"Night sweetie," Nora said. "Night Derek, hon."

He winked at her on his way upstairs.

Nora was so glad that he was using his powers of manipulation for good instead of evil. For a change.

Part Two: Casey

When they got to the top of the stairs, Derek confiscated her script.

"Hey," Casey said. She must've given up too easily. He shook his head at her like she was hopeless and he was very disappointed. He went into her room, pointed at the bed, and walked over to her CD rack. He pulled something out and popped it into the CD player. Zero 7. He turned around and seeing that she was still standing in the doorway, scribbled a note to her.

_Do I have to undress you myself?_ It read.

"Ha!" Casey said. "Nice try."

_I thought so_, Derek wrote. _I'd read you a story, but... _

"Yeah, yeah," Casey said. "Love you."

Derek took the opportunity to demonstrate one of the precisely three signs he knew: the one-handed "I love you." He waggled it, so it turned into "Hang Loose," then tucked his thumb in to simulate Devil Horns.

"Dork," she said. She gave him a quick kiss and shooed him out of the room.

The next morning, of course, she felt woefully, painfully underprepared.

"So is it really bad," she began at breakfast, "if I can't remember any of the words of my song?"

_Sing the other one_, Derek wrote.

"Can't remember that one either," Casey said.

"Here we go," Lizzie said.

"Incoming," Edwin said.

Marti didn't look up from her cereal. Neither Casey's Mom nor George paid attention as they ran around in search of keys and briefcases or whatever it was they were after. Her mom was off on Fridays, but she still ran around getting Marti's stuff ready so she could take her to the bus stop for camp.

_You can read it over the piano player's shoulder_, Derek wrote. _Drink your juice_.

"So now you're being bossy again?" Casey said.

_I am your director, and you will obey me_, he wrote.

"I don't see your camera rolling," Casey said. "In fact, I do believe that it's still in the case over there, so I'm wondering where your directorial authority is coming from."

He sat there for a second looking puzzled and then suppressed a grin.

_I stumped him, I stumped him, la la la la laaa la_, Casey thought.

"We are witnessing a historical moment, Marti," Edwin said.

"Huh?" Marti said.

"Derek is speechless," Edwin said. "In every possible way. Never thought I'd see the day."

"Hey, that rhymed," Lizzie said.

"Well, I _am_ E-Vent," Edwin said. Lizzie and Marti rolled their eyes at him.

While their folks ran out, taking Marti with them, Casey went over to the phone and picked it up. She was halfway through dialing Emily's number when she remembered that Em was mad at her. She stared at the phone forlornly for a few seconds before Derek read her and came over to put an arm around her.

His arms encircled her as he scribbled a note_. She will cool off_, he wrote. _If she doesn't, then_...he drew a face with a tongue sticking out.

"What's wrong, Casey?" Lizzie said.

"Nothing," Casey lied. "Just having my usual attack of OCD."

"Ooh," Edwin said. "Is that an acronym?"

"Yes it is," Casey said. They both quirked one eyebrow, giving each other identical cartoon villain stares.

"Okay," Lizzie said. "That's just weird. I'm getting outta here." Derek nodded in agreement. He let go of Casey, and he and Lizzie pretended to back out of the kitchen.

Part Three: Derek

It was _Twilight Zone_-level ironic. There he was, sitting in the middle of an auditorium, surrounded by a bunch of people with incredibly loud and powerful voices when he himself was, for all intents and purposes, voiceless.

Not that he didn't know that it was coming. In the car, after he turned off the ignition, he lingered for a second to pre-write a few notes along the lines of :

_My girlfriend's trying out_.

_I have laryngitis; don't mind me._

_No I'm not contagious, unless that'll make you go away. _

Casey made him amend that last one. There was no need to be so hostile.

"Not yet anyway," she said. "And you might wanna add '_I'm not deaf_' in case someone starts signing at you or something. You never know with a large group of people."

He hadn't even thought of that. This was going to be an experience.

They'd gotten permission to bring the camera in, and Derek's Dad had given them a stack of release forms, because, according to him, it didn't hurt to cover their asses.

Casey immediately went off to the side of the stage to stretch although as far as Derek remembered, there was no dancing in this show. But, she looked hot when she did that, so he zoomed in on her. She could bring her leg up parallel to her head. He couldn't get enough of stuff like that. Meanwhile, he noticed right away that while she was wearing yoga pants and a tank top, every other girl was wearing low-rise jeans, or miniskirts and low cut tops. And Casey was hotter than all of them.

_Can I possibly be more whipped?_ He thought. _Is anyone in the world more whipped than I am?_

"Hey Derek," Sheldon said as he slumped into the seat next to him. "Watching Casey bring her leg up over her head? Emily just went off to put on some more makeup. I'm hoping she stops before she gets to the drag queen stage, but you never know."

Derek looked at him.

"Shut up, Sheldon," Sheldon said. "I know."

Derek couldn't help but grin at him. He put the camera down for a second.

_So, are you freaking?_ He wrote.

"Not so much," Sheldon said. "Comes a point, where you just need to quit practicing and just go make a fool of yourself if that's what you gotta do, ya know?"

_That's a surprisingly healthy way of looking at it_, Derek wrote.

"I thought so," Sheldon said. "Emily, however, is flipping out. Won't let me near her. Wants to be alooone."

_I figured_, Derek wrote. Casey waved at them from her spot against the wall. Both waved back.

"You know, I cannot wait until you get your voice back, 'cause this note thing just sucks, doesn't it?" Sheldon said.

Derek nodded. That was the type of sweet thing that made Casey squeal and hug, but Derek was neither a squealer nor a hugger, so he just wrote, _Thanks, Shel_.

It was around this time that the director of the play popped onto the stage. He looked to be about mid-thirties, with stubble and blond highlights, designer eyeglasses. He made a speech that Derek filmed but didn't particularly listen to about how everyone was a star and how glad he was that the twenty odd people who showed could make it today. There was a little bit of applause and he called the first person up.

It was a girl, a redhead wearing head to toe black and vampire red lips. She sang "Somewhere That's Green." She had a high squeaky voice that the most caffeinated cheerleader would envy. Even Sheldon had to suppress a smile.

"Behold the dark goddess," Sheldon whispered.

"Thanks, Debbie," the director said when she was done. "Now, can I have Melissa Chang?"

Melissa sang Elvis Costello's "I Want You" in a smoky alto voice.

"Well, she can have whatever she wants," Sheldon said. Derek nodded.

"Emily Davis," said the director.

Up came Emily. She skidded a little on the stage, and had to take off her heels before she fell.

She wobbled her way through "Somewhere That's Green." It was too high for her, and she picked this moment to realize that, he could see it on her face. But she was competent, and would definitely get a part before the perky goth chick did.

Sheldon was doing his best to smile supportively, but hissed through his teeth.

"Waaay too much vibrato," he said.

Emily walked slowly off the stage and headed toward the back of the auditorium past Sheldon and Derek. Derek and Sheldon exchanged a look.

"Yep," Sheldon said. "She's gonna go cry, so that's my cue to chase her, huh?" Derek nodded.

The director called the first guy up to the stage. He was tall, blond haired and had millions of teeth. Derek hated him immediately. Plus, the guy sang "Hanging By a Moment," which Casey loved and Derek himself had liked up until that moment. The guy nailed it. Derek would be deleting it from his iPod when he got home.

Three girls sang "Little Shop of Horrors" in a row. One was supremely bad, one was okay, and one was absolutely brilliant. The really good one, a tall skinny black girl, did a Marti-esque happy dance when she was done, wiggling her butt and then skipping off in spiked heels. She high-fived the girl who'd been more or less okay. That one, he recognized belatedly as Debra Singh, who was in their class. The tall black girl, he didn't know. She might've been a college student.

Then Sheldon's name was called. Sheldon came barreling up the aisle from the back to the auditorium, skidding to a stop, narrowly avoiding smashing into the stage. He climbed up onto the stage, not tripping for once, and started to sing. He looked disheveled and sweaty, his hair sticking up in places. He sang "Hallelujah." He had two false starts, forgot the words once and at one point his voice shook as much as Emily's had. The director stopped him, made him take some deep breaths and start again. The second time, he nailed it. There was applause. On the way off stage, people hugged Sheldon, assembly-line style. Casey was one of them; Emily was not. He walked over to the side where Emily was standing and tried to engage her in conversation, but she would have none of it. Derek watched all this while trying to keep the camera focused on the stage. When he saw the footage from this part of the process later, he realized that he'd gotten nothing but the legs of the next person auditioning. Then Derek had had to switch batteries on the camera.

Finally, after what had seemed like years of his life that he'd never get back, Derek heard the director call Casey. She whispered "Oh God" from the stage before she started, her lips could be read quite clearly on the footage. Then she handed her music to the piano player. At the sound of the opening, Derek breathed a sigh of relief. It _wasn't_ "Somewhere That's Green." She went with Alanis Morissette's "Mary Jane," the song _he'd_ picked for her. The director had let her sing almost the whole song, when he'd stopped most people after the first chorus.

There were three or four more people after Casey, including one who sounded so much like Eddie Vedder that Derek wanted to get the guy to do the outgoing message on his voicemail, and he filmed them all, but, as Casey finally sat down next to him and leaned on his shoulder, they just seemed so unimportant.

There was a break. Several people came over to him as he fiddled with the camera, checking some of what he had so far. They used up several release forms and he made good use of the prewritten notes. He and Casey were invited for burgers after the auditions.

The director came up and introduced himself formally.

"So," he said, "You're Derek? Sheldon told me a lot about you. I'm Jack Kiernan." He shook Derek's hand.

"So, Derek, I was wondering," Jack said after a while, "I know all about your situation today, but have you ever done any acting? I've been watching you, and you have the most expressive face I've ever seen."

_Huh?_ Derek thought, but thanked him.

After that, the acting portion of the auditions went much faster. Emily was asked to read for several parts including Audrey (she overdid the accent, imitating the movie) Crystal, Ronnette and Chiffon and Orin Scrivello's receptionist. Casey also read for Audrey, Crystal, Ronnette, and Chiffon. Casey did a more subtle accent and Derek made a mental note to ask who she was imitating.

The tall blond guy, whose name was Chris, read for every male part there was, including Audrey II, as did Sheldon. They played off of each other pretty well. Derek noticed that after a while, Sheldon finally found his comfort zone playing Orin, the dentist. He smirked a little, a very familiar smirk. He gestured a lot, holding his hands mid chest, and shoulder-bumped Chris on the way off stage.

"Oh my gosh, he's doing _you_," Casey said. Derek was too busy zooming (and trying to hold the camera steady as he laughed) to respond.

Soon, it was time for Jack to give his closing speech, thanking them all for coming out and telling them the cast list would be posted on Monday.

"Don't call us, well call _you_," Casey whispered in Derek's ear.

Then Sheldon half-led, half-dragged Emily over to them and said. "Don't know about you, but I'm in the mood for food."


	13. Chapter 13

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: Don't own LWD or Jiminy Cricket or a Nissan.

Chapter Thirteen

Part One: Emily

She refused to smile. Sheldon sat next to her in an ice cold booth, the pleather sticking to her back and making her regret the low rise jeans. And he was making faces at her, crossing and uncrossing his eyes. He was ten seconds away from poking soda straws up his nose.

"Sheldon," she said.

"Yes, love of my life," he said, straws midway toward his face.

_Dammit_, she thought. Couldn't stay mad when Sheldon was being over the top cute like that. The corners of her mouth moved almost by themselves.

"Ahaaaa," Sheldon said. "I am the master."

"You're half-right," Emily said. Then, after a pause, she said. "I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass, babe."

"Eh," Sheldon said, waving it off. "Happens to everyone."

"I blew the whole audition," she said. "And Casey was amazing, of course. I really should be congratulating her right about now."

"Yep," Sheldon said. "You should."

Emily didn't move. Casey was a few tables down, giggling because Derek was tickling her. Suddenly Emily felt no particular urge to move from her spot. Let the cheap pleather seat weld itself to her for all eternity, she suddenly liked it just fine where she was.

"Emily," Sheldon said.

Emily sighed. "Maybe later," she said.

Sheldon shook his head in resignation.

"Then I guess I'll be right back," he said. He slid out of the booth and headed straight for Derek and Casey.

Casey gave him a hug even though she'd last seen him twenty minutes before. Then he and Derek knuckle-bumped, Sheldon almost completely missing Derek's fist on the first shot. He was clearly invited to sit for a couple minutes and Emily was left by herself in a room full of giggly theater people.

She took out a pen and played solo tic tac toe on her paper place mat for a minute. Until a sticky note fell directly into her line of vision.

_Cut the crap_, it read.

She looked up to see Derek sliding into the booth across from her.

"Exactly who died and made you Jiminy Cricket?" Emily said.

_I wish I could say that you're only hurting yourself_, he wrote. _But you're making my girlfriend miserable which makes me miserable. I do not like to be miserable. _

He had to put that practically under her nose to get her to read it.

"Is this supposed to mean something to me?" she asked. He scribbled the next note fast enough to make her imagine the pen smoking.

_How bout this: Sheldon thinks you'd leave him for me in a second. One day he'll grow a spine and leave you if you don't cut the shit and treat him better_, he wrote. _Or at least he __should_

_Well, that was just below the belt is what it was_, she thought.

"Derek, I cannot believe that you still, after all this time, think everyone wants to get into your pants," Emily said. "Cause when I got to know you I realized that there just isn't much to you."

Derek's expression didn't change. He could've been debating the relative merits of steak fries versus curly. Meanwhile, Emily could feel her _hair_ wanting to kick his ass. She wanted to embed one of her stilettos somewhere into him.

Derek shrugged and got up from the table. He collided with Sheldon on the way up.

Part Two: Sheldon

"Derek, what the hell?" Sheldon said as he dragged Derek toward the deserted bank of pay phones. He knew exactly how tired he sounded suddenly, he just didn't know how it happened so fast.

Derek sighed, and shrugged again.

"Seriously, what did you tell her?"

_That you should grow a spine and leave her_, he wrote and handed the pad to Sheldon.

_At least he looks really guilty_, Sheldon thought.

"Oh my God," Sheldon said. "Just...Oh my Gawd!" Derek tried to grab his arm. Sheldon pulled it away.

"How do you manage to run off at the mouth when you can't even freakin' talk, man? That is a talent I've never seen before," Sheldon said. "Do you have any idea how much trouble I'm in right now? Emily is never gonna forgive—"

There was the sound of the flat of a palm smacking a table, something that should be simple, but Sheldon jumped like it was a gunshot.

_Emily has nothing to forgive you for, schmuck_, Derek wrote. _It's the other way around._

"I love how you think it's that easy," Sheldon said.

_It is_, Derek wrote.

This whole conversation was light years outside of Sheldon's realm of experience, so he couldn't begin to understand anything Derek was saying yet. He'd think about it later, preferably with the help of some ice cream.

"I think I'll go assess the damage right now," Sheldon said. "Guess I'll let you know what happens."

Derek nodded.

_If you're still alive_, he wrote, then let him head back to the table.

Sheldon began the long walk to the table wondering idly when it was exactly that his life would begin to flash before his eyes. As he got to their booth, he saw the waitress there trying to take Emily's order. Emily muttered something to get rid of her and she said she'd come back later. Emily's head was down and when he got to her, she raised it and he was met with two enormous red eyes.

"Can we go?" she said.

"Okay," he said. She headed toward the exit. Sheldon left a five on the table even though they hadn't ordered anything, and took off after her.

She leaned against his brother's Nissan waiting for him to unlock the door. He hit the keyless entry and opened her door, gesturing for her to go ahead. He went around to his side and hopped in to find her hyperventilating and crying hard enough to make him want to promise any and all of his future earnings if she'd just calm down. He pulled her close and let her cry it out right there in the parking lot.

"You think I'd leave you for Derek?" she said, in a tiny voice he hadn't thought her capable of. "You don't think I love you?"

"That's—" he began, but could think of nothing to finish the thought.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I let you think that I didn't love you. I am so sorry."

"S'okay," Sheldon said. "I'm just an idiot."

"You're not an idiot," Emily said. "Don't ever say that you're an idiot, okay?"

"Cause only you get to do that?" Sheldon said, smiling.

"Nope," she said. "Not me either."

"Ohh...kay" he said. Her sense of humor was on lunch break.

"So listen," she said. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"And I am on probation."

"Huh?"

"I'm on thin ice," she said. "You get to dump me if I screw up again within the next I dunno how many days."

"Emily," he said, rolling his eyes.

"Seriously," she said. "Promise."

"Okay."

"Say it."

"I promise to dump you if you screw up."

"Are your fingers crossed?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes again.

"No," he said. "Now are you ever going to kiss me? What do I have to go through? Jeez!"

Part Three: Casey

A tall, somewhat rangy boy in a baggy t-shirt and a baseball cap over his blond hair came in and went directly over to where the hostess was standing. She went off to get something, leaving him standing there, looking at the broken heart rate monitor machine that had been there since time immemorial. He briefly stuck his finger into it.

"Sam!" Casey said. He turned around and she waved him over to her table.

"Sup," he said. "Where's your idiot?"

"Sticking his nose where he probably shouldn't," she said. "I think he gets that from me."

Sam looked at her, puzzled.

"Long story," she said. "So how's work?"

"Not too bad," he said. He worked as a lifeguard at a day camp, (not Marti's to Marti's great dismay) and all week he'd emailed Derek stories about how little girls kept pretending to drown so he'd rescue them, and how he'd been made to monitor several ten year olds on a yellow bus, morning and afternoon.

"Have you been paid already then?" Casey said.

"Yep," he said, grinning. "Hence the good mood."

Derek came back to the table.

"Derek!" Sam said. "How ya doin, buddy! I'm in your seat, aren't I? My bad." He practically placed Derek into the chair himself. He was up to something.

"So?" Sam said. "Tell me, how has your week been? Don't hold back, buddy. Spill!"

Derek, of course, said nothing.

"Uh, huh," Sam said. "Just swung by your house, and Edwin let slip that you lost your voice again. He didn't know it was a secret. After all you've been emailing me every couple days and he had no reason to think you'd keep anything from me, us being best friends and all."

Derek and Casey's food came, and all three kids smiled at the waitress in sudden silence, until she left.

"Are you mad?" Casey asked.

"Nope," Sam said. "Not mad. Just...disappointed." He stared off into space for a beat, then dissolved into laughter.

"You're a dumbass," he told Derek. Derek nodded.

"How'd you do it?" Sam asked. Casey explained, doing her best to make Derek look as dopey as possible while she filled him in on their week, and cracking Sam up until the hostess showed up with his takeout order.

"Well, Case, break a leg," Sam said, getting up and pecking her on the forehead. Derek got up as Sam did.

"And you, dumbass," Sam said. "Try keeping me in the loop, huh?" Sam pulled Derek into a one armed hug, enjoying his right as the only one who got away with that.

_Is this day over yet?_ Derek wrote after he sat down again. He put his head on the table.

"Not even close," Casey said as Emily and Sheldon came back in and headed right toward them.

"Casey?" Emily said. "Can we talk?"

"Sit," Casey said. Derek moved, and took Sheldon somewhere with him.

Emily stole one Derek's fries and toyed with it.

"I just put myself on probation with Sheldon," Emily said. "I screwed up really bad with him."

"What'd you do?" Casey said. This was news to her. She wondered what Derek knew.

"Underestimated him, took him for granted, let him be one big ball of insecurity," Emily said. "The point is I needed to fix it, and I'm trying. Now I have to see if I can fix things with you."

Casey wondered if she should play dumb here. She'd of course interrogated Derek until he'd dropped that one maddeningly small crumb of information, and she could intuit the rest, but Derek refused to confirm or deny and she didn't feel comfortable without confirmation. For all she knew, she had everything backwards.

"Um," Casey said finally, "I'm listening?"

"I threw a big huge fit when I found out you were going out for the play, because I thought you'd beat me, the way you always do," Emily said.

"That's stupid," Casey said.

"Maybe, maybe not," Emily said. "And don't say you don't always beat me because you do."

"How could you put that on me?" Casey said. "Do you think I wake up every morning and wonder to myself 'How can I beat Emily today?' Do you have any idea how that sounds?"

"Yeah, I do," Emily said. "Which is why I really didn't want you to know."

"And yet I do now, don't I?"

"Yeah," Emily said.

"Did you ever stop to think that I work my butt off to get what I want?" Casey said.

"I know," Emily said.

"So when good things happen to me, it's because I deserve them," Casey said.

"I know," Emily said.

"And anyway, you're an idiot," Casey said. "The cast list isn't out and we don't know if either of us even got in."

"And you say _I'm_ an idiot?" Emily said. "You know you got Audrey. Shel either got Seymour or Orin, probably Orin. You can bet on it. And yes, you do deserve it."

"Um, thanks," Casey said.

"You're welcome," Emily said.

"So about this probation thing?" Casey said. "That is so weird that I'm surprised that _I _didn't think of it."

"Yeah," Emily said. "God only knows where I got the idea. Maybe you inspired me."

"That's almost flattering," Casey said. "Now, we should find the boys, cause they're probably starving to death."


	14. Chapter 14

And The Winner Is...

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I own no rights to characters or other references mentioned here, alas.

Chapter Fourteen

Part One: Lizzie

Saturday Afternoon

Maybe she was bitter but lately, it seemed like every time there was something unpleasant to be done, Derek and Casey disappeared and it fell to Lizzie and Edwin to do it. This time had to do with chicken fingers. She asked Edwin why that was. It was a rhetorical question, but since Edwin didn't believe in such things, he reminded her about Casey's raw-meat-a-phobia.

"What's Derek's excuse?"

"Dunno," Edwin said. "All I care about right now is that I'm wrist-deep in goo and need to scratch my nose." He wriggled it, bunnylike, then finally used his sleeve. He'd been slicing the chicken breasts into strips and being really obsessive about cutting out the fat and any other gross thing he might bite into. It was a pet peeve he had.

Meanwhile, Lizzie was setting up the breading, under Edwin's increasingly bossy supervision. No plain old breadcrumbs for Edwin. He had to have grated cheese, fresh ground pepper and mashed potato mix.

Plus, it turned out that she didn't have good egg-beating technique.

"Put more wrist into it," Edwin said.

Lizzie wanted to comment on Edwin and why he had stronger wrists than she did but she decided against it.

"And could you put some hot sauce into the eggs?" Edwin said.

"What about Marti?" Lizzie said.

"It was her idea," Edwin said. "Not too much, though."

"Would _you_ rather do this?"Lizzie said.

"Would you rather do _this_?" Edwin replied wiggling a bit of chicken goo before he tossed it into the trash can between them.

"Pretty please, Lizzie," Edwin began. "Would you be so kind as to put a little bit of hot sauce into the eggs?"

"That's better," she said.

"Also, would you mind terribly turning the water on so I don't get the faucet mucky?"he said.

She did and he washed his hands, scrubbing them like a surgeon.

"And people wonder why Casey almost turned vegetarian?" Edwin said. He took a quick break, handing her a fruit punch, chugging an orange soda and letting out an epic burp before asking if she was ready for phase two.

"Now," Edwin said, "Ready to get dirty?" Lizzie raised an eyebrow at him.

"You really want me to answer that?" she said. He laughed and proceeded to flour the chicken. She stalled, not in a particular hurry to get her hands into the salmonella. Then she became very interested in a piece of paper sticking out of Edwin's back pocket. Not one to let opportunity pass, she grabbed it while his hands were mucky and he was helpless to stop her.

"What the hell?" Edwin yelped.

"Student Short Film Contest?" she read. "Ages 13-18? Verrry interesting..."

"If you think I'm afraid of getting this glop all over you, you're crazy," Edwin said, putting his chicken strip down and moving toward her.

"But you'll blur the ink," Lizzie said, moving backward and ducking under his arm. "and you'll have to go back to wherever you got this to find out the URL to enter. Where _did_ you get this anyway?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" he said, moving toward her again.

"Yeah," she said, "Hence the question? Now spill!"

"Spill, you say?" Edwin said, picking up the bowl of eggs.

"You'll never live to see the end of puberty," Lizzie warned.

"That the best you got?" Edwin said. "Derek threatens me with that once a week."

"It must be one of the few things we agree on." Lizzie jammed the flyer into her own back pocket and grabbed the bowl of flour before he could even think to strike.

They spent a minute or so at an impasse, but Lizzie knew that Edwin would crack first; he always did. It was one of his most endearing qualities.

So he put the bowl back on the table and she followed. She helped him bread the chicken in silence for a few minutes until he finally looked up and noticed her pouting.

"What," he said.

"Nothing," she said. "Just that you still won't tell me what your movie's about, is all. You keep promising that I'm gonna be the first to know, but I'll drop dead before _you_ even drop a _hint_—"

Edwin sighed. "Tell you tonight," he said.

"Now!" Lizzie said.

"Tonight," he said, picking up a handful of breadcrumbs as insurance.

Part Two: Casey

Everybody had tried to keep Derek's mind off his troubles this past week, but his enforced silence was really starting to get to him, Casey could tell.

First of all, Derek was getting increasingly angry with the remote control. The remote was usually a good friend to him, but over the past couple days, he'd been holding it in his fist so tightly that Casey pictured a tongue hanging from it and its buttons bulging like eyes begging her to make him stop. It wasn't the poor remote's fault that there was nothing on TV was it?

This morning, Derek informed Casey that there was nothing on the Internet either. So it was clearly time for drastic action—Casey took him to see _Hostel: Part II_.

"Don't say I never did anything for you,"she said covering her eyes, even though the previews hadn't ended yet.

He'd unfortunately been far too interested in the movie to make out, but after the movie was another story.

"Um, Derek," she said in the front seat of the car. "You're in danger of breaking your PDA rule." His mouth was attached pretty firmly to her collarbone. "Not that I mind or anything, but..."

_Okay,_ she thought, _so we're in the indoor parking lot, but still._

He put a finger over her lips, almost as a placeholder, it seemed. Then he kissed her.

When he came up for air, she said, "Okay, we can stop at the video store, 'cause I'm sure they have _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_ or _Sleepaway Camp_ or something."

He laughed; she felt his breath on her neck more than heard the laugh itself. What she wouldn't give for his regular laugh.

_Just a couple more days to go_, she reminded herself. If anyone had told her a year ago that a quiet Derek could ever be a bad thing, she never would've believed it.

His tongue flicked her earlobe and she jumped.

"De-_rek_!"she squealed. Two could play that game. She slid her hand under his t-shirt and ran it up his back, which never failed to bring out the goosebumps. She gave up and moved closer wiggling close enough for the gear shift to dig into her side as she put her other hand onto the back of his neck. She accidentally hit the parking brake and the car rolled a few inches before Derek clicked it back on.

Before her heart started beating properly again, he put his hand under her shirt and that was when she put a stop to things.

"Hellooo," she said. "Public?" She looked around at the darkened lot which was all but deserted on this level. She reached up and put the light on. He gestured at the desolation that surrounded them.

"All I need is for a guard to point a flashlight at us," Casey said. "Not my idea of class."

He gave an almighty long-suffering sigh, but he couldn't help but smile a little as he turned the key in the ignition.

"Are we renting videos?" she asked. The slowest possible grin spread across his face. It was the type of grin that would have made the Devil apprehensive. Then he nodded.

Part Three: George.

That was the best chicken ever. Edwin and Lizzie needed to cook more often. George had only set the task for them so that he and Nora could have a little alone time while Marti was on a playdate. He'd been prepared to order a pizza if he needed to, but things worked out well. There was widespread talking with mouths full because nobody's mouth seemed to stay empty long enough to finish a sentence.

Derek and Casey had brought cupcakes home with them, so everyone lingered at the table, for once in no particular hurry to get to the television.

This was when George noticed Marti toying with her cupcake.

"Not eating any cupcake, Cupcake?" he said. He figured that that would be gross enough to get a smile out of her, but it was no go.

She took a sullen bite. She really wasn't one to let good sweets go to waste.

"What's a matter, Miss Smarti?" Nora said.

"Nothing," Marti said.

This made Derek's ears perk up and he moved to stroke her hair, but stopped himself long enough to lick the frosting off his fingers. She moved out of the way.

"_Ew_," she said, in an unconscious Casey impression. He put some frosting on her nose, and that raised a quick smile from her, even as she tried to be disgusted. "You're nasty," she said wiping at it with the back of her hand. At no time did the idea of using a napkin seem to occur to her.

"So," Casey began, "You hung out with Dimi and Gus today, right?" Marti nodded. Gus was the son of one of George's co-workers, and when they'd set up the playdate, George had had one moment of terror in which he imagined having to apologize for Marti beating the kid up. But so far, it hadn't happened.

"Well?" Casey said. "How'd it go?"

"Kay," Marti said. His youngest was really getting to be a hard nut to crack. He hoped this was a phase.

"Just okay?" Lizzie said.

"Uh-huh," Marti said. "His mom made us do educational stuff, but then we watched _Harry Potter_."

"Hermione's hot," Edwin said. George wasn't sure that Edwin realized that he'd said that out loud. At least until both Lizzie and Casey took a turn at smacking him on the back of the head.

"Not funny, Derek," Casey said. Derek did his best to stifle the laugh.

"No violence at the table," Nora said automatically. Derek put his head down on the table, narrowly missing his frosting laden plate. The sight of the kid's shoulders shaking set George off, too, which at long last set Marti off.

Part Four: Edwin.

After dinner, after Marti went to bed and Casey and Derek sat down to their movie, banishing Edwin and Lizzie (even though Edwin hadn't seen _Shaun of the Dead yet_, and really really wanted to,) Lizzie reminded Edwin of the promise he'd made earlier that night.

"Okay, okay," he said, leading her up to the games closet. They sat across from each other as he gave her a breakdown of what he was trying to do. She laughed in all the right places, so he felt pretty good about it even though he'd never made a pitch before.

"Okay, so that's actually pretty cool," she said. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because, what if it just sounded stupid when I said it out loud?" Edwin said. "It sounded like a good idea in my head, but so did that apple butter sundae that time."

Lizzie shuddered at the memory. "I kinda see your point." she said.

"So when are you gonna show me the footage?"she said.

"Maybe tomorrow," Edwin said. "But we need to wait till we're alone in the house. We don't want anyone else to see it yet."


	15. Chapter 15

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I do not have any affiliation with any of the various and sundry members of any production or distribution companies that handle _Life with Derek_. I do have a Motown CD or three, but no rights to them either. Kay?

Chapter Fifteen

Part One: Derek

Derek and Sam spent most of Sunday morning playing video games, and both were dizzy and overstimulated by lunchtime. Casey, in complete Sunday-afternoon denial, tried to pretend that the cast list would not be posted the next day, and therefore there was no reason for her to be nervous. During the school year, Derek usually spent Sundays ignoring homework that was still undone, and tests that were unstudied for so he knew all about Sunday denial. He had a slight case of his own, actually. He alternated between looking forward to and dreading his appointment with Dr. Trent.

During the week sometime, he'd had a dream about the appointment. Nora had taken him in, because his Dad had a meeting or something, so she'd been the one waiting for him to finish with the doctor. He sat in a dentist-style chair and leaned back while the doctor stuck the probe down his throat yet again. This time she asked him to say "ahhh" and he tried and nothing came out.

"Any time now, Derek," she said. He tried again. Nothing.

"Well," she said. "_That's_ unusual." She looked over at the monitor, punched a couple of keys in the computer, then told him to try again. When that hadn't worked, she slapped the monitor.

"This has never happened before," she said. "It must be _you_. Let's see if you're still under warranty." She looked into his ear.

Dr. Trent pulled the door open and yelled for Nora to come in. She explained the situation in nonsense terms that Derek supposed he might have heard on medical shows at one time or another, and both she and Nora seemed really annoyed that Derek's father hadn't gotten the extended coverage like he did for Edwin and Marti.

"As soon as the warranty runs out, everything falls to pieces doesn't it," Nora said.

He thought of this dream more and more the closer it got to Monday. He felt downright sick by the time _The Simpsons_ came on.

Dad, Nora, and Marti had managed to be gone most of the day, leaving the other kids with them. It had been a pretty welcome distraction, actually, because Edwin and Lizzie were clearly up to something, and, Derek and Casey spent a good bit of time, after Sam left, on the couch trying to figure out what it was.

"Get rich quick scheme?" Casey wondered.

_Maybe_, Derek wrote, and put that at the top of another page.

"Or maybe they found a new research topic?" Casey said. Derek nodded and put that down on the list as a possibility. Edwin and Lizzie had been after a new subject since their study of Derek and Casey had come to its logical conclusion. Derek wondered if Edwin would be surprised that he and Casey knew about the "research" that had been going on.

_We're__ no fun anymore_, Derek wrote, and then he drew he frowny face next to it.

"Maybe they're trying to find out what's been up with Marti?"

Derek shook his head. _Marti's got a crush_, he wrote.

"Really?" Casey said. "How'd I miss that?"

"Who's she got a crush on?" she asked.

Derek shrugged. _But I know what a Marti crush looks like_, he wrote. _She liked Sam when she was four._

Casey could see how that could happen. But she was still missing something.

"What exactly does a Marti crush look like?" Casey said.

_What does a Casey crush look like? Or a Lizzie crush? _Derek wrote.

"Marti's usually more collected than we are," Casey said. "I've never seen Marti pretend to like stuff she doesn't or laugh at jokes that aren't funny."

_She's eight. She'll do that later_, he wrote.

"I'll see if Lizzie'll help me get the story out of her later, I guess," Casey said.

Derek shook his head.

_Bad move. Smarti does not react well to pushing_, he wrote. _What happens when you tell her to do something?_

"Usually she points the remote at me hoping my channel will change or else she points that wand at me and orders me to disappear."

Derek held out both hands, palm up, like "There you have it."

_She'll spill when she wants to_, he wrote. Casey nodded.

"So back to Lizzie and Edwin," she said. "They're spending more time than usual in the games closet."

Derek smiled. He thought that if it were anyone else, that the games closet would be the perfect makeout spot.

He dropped his writing pad. _Holy crap_, he thought. _It couldn't be_. He tried to keep from smiling while Casey picked the pad up.

He gave her a little "thank you" bow.

"What," Casey said. He shrugged.

"What are you thinking?" she asked. He sure as hell had no intention of telling her yet. She'd fly off the handle like she always did.

_Nothing_, he said. _Wondering what's for dinner. _

"Uh-uh," Casey said. "Don't buy it. You have a theory don't you?"

He shrugged and shook his head.

"Don't look all innocent," Casey said, starting to grin. "I _will _find out." She climbed on top of him and held his wrists down. He let her.

She was trying to tickle him when Edwin walked through the living room trailed by an irate Lizzie.

"I told you to leave it alone," Lizzie said.

"Nuh-uh," Edwin said. "Can't stand it anymore." He went to the closet by the door.

"Gotta be a hat in here somewhere," he said. He rooted through it until he pulled out a Blue Jays cap and tucked his increasingly sloppy hair into it.

Lizzie took it off of him and ran a hand through his hair.

"You'll get used to it," she said. She turned toward the couch and noticed what Derek and Casey staring at them from their own highly suspicious position.

"Ew," Lizzie said. "Other people sit on that couch you know."

"Aww, let the kids have their fun," Edwin said, sounding for all the world like their grandfather. He dodged Lizzie's hands as she continued to mess with his hair.

"Quit it, woman!" he said.

"Stay still," she said. "_Boy_."

She followed him back upstairs.

Derek looked up at Casey apprehensively. She looked toward the stairs for a minute, continuing to fixate on the spot after Edwin and Lizzie had long since left.

"Oh my God," Casey said. Derek nodded.

"Oh my _God_," she repeated. She climbed off of him and sat by his knees.

"Did you see the jeans she had on?" she said. "Mom got her new jeans two weeks ago, because the old ones were getting to be too tight, and there she is with the old ones on."

Derek smiled. He was sure Edwin noticed Lizzie's jeans too. The girl was getting hips and a bit of a butt and Derek had begun to keep an eye on boys around her. Who knew he'd been watching all the wrong boys?

"We gotta break the lock on that closet," Casey said. "What're you smiling at?"

Derek laughed.

"Not funny!" Casey said. Derek nodded.

"This has been going on right under our noses!" she said. "For how long?"

Derek shrugged. He wrinkled his nose to indicate he didn't think it was that long. He reached for his pad. It had come to rest half under the couch and when he reached for it, he managed to push it a little further under there and it was a struggle to get a decent grip on it.

_This is __Edwin__. Lizzie will grow old and die waiting for him to make a move,_ he wrote finally.

"Lizzie's not as hopeless as Edwin is, though," Casey said.

_Good,_ Derek wrote.

"This is so weird," Casey said. Derek laughed some more. His sides were starting to hurt.

Part Two: George

Every week they tried, repeat_ tried _to get most of the week's shopping done on Sunday, and every week they were thwarted. Neither George nor Nora could stand the crowds or the lines of people who'd clearly had the same idea they'd had.

George had tried to put forth the theory that it just wasn't possible to get a week's worth of food for seven people, five of whom were kids each with the capacity of your average dump truck in one trip. Even with the two of them splitting up and filling their own carts. Even when George had Marti's help. She really was indispensable when it came to picking cookies, candy, cereal, and sushi. It made him think: Edwin and Derek were not to be trusted in a store; they jousted in the paper towel aisle and generally made George deny paternity. Casey tended to be a compulsive label reader, to the point where she couldn't pick _anything_ out in good conscience. Lizzie was generally reasonable, but one could _not_ shop without Marti. She picked pasta according to its shape and was always the first to remind them about fruit.

"We need bananas," she said, skipping toward the produce.

"Right," George said. "For Sir Monks-A-Lot."

"No, that's who the sushi is for," Marti said. "Duh."

"Oh, and that reminds me," she said. "We need chocolate syrup."

"Okay," George said. He spent the next twenty minutes wondering about the connection of sushi and chocolate syrup in his daughter's mind.

They crossed paths with Nora in the frozen foods section, and Marti took the opportunity to remind Nora about bacon.

"Smerek's gonna want some bacon tomorrow before you go to the doctor's," Marti said.

"Well, he's not gonna want anything until after he gets back, but BLTs for dinner tomorrow might be good, huh?" Nora said.

"Cool," Marti said. "We gotta go get tomatoes then, Daddy." She skipped back toward produce.

Before he left to chase after Marti, Nora looked at the kaleidoscopic collection of stuff in his cart, smiled, and said. "Meet you at the checkout then, I guess."

Twenty minutes later, after Marti had picked out the best tomatoes she could, as well as some fennel, some avocados, and a pomegranate (George hoped Casey would know what to do with it), they were ready to check out. Nora picked the self-service line and zoomed right through, while George and Marti were stuck in a line that seemed overloaded with hagglers and expired coupon users. Marti amused herself by looking at what everyone else was getting, presumably to give her ideas for next time. George wondered if the ninth circle of Hell had grocery lines.

But finally, they met Nora and Sir-Monks-A-Lot at the station wagon and after they loaded their three days worth of food into the trunk, the four of them shared the little pack of California roll in the parking lot, Marti in particular had a thing for the pickled ginger.

In addition to her indispensability at the store, Marti was also the one who picked out the CDs they played in the car on the way home. She decided that today was Motown day, popping in the CD she borrowed from Edwin, who'd borrowed it from Casey. The Four Tops' "Can't Help Myself," filled the car, and George tapped the steering wheel and sang along a little on the traffic-filled ride home. He decided that Sunday errands weren't so bad.

Then they got home and George was rushed by Edwin, who begged him either for haircut money or for the set of electric hair clippers he'd bought years ago, when the kids were little. Abby'd made him put it away after the time he'd accidentally buzzed most of Edwin's hair off that one time when he was five. Kid _was_ getting a little scruffy, come to think of it.

"Don't let him!" Lizzie said.

"Why not?" George asked.

"Looks cute all scruffy," Nora said, ruffling Edwin's hair.

"I will shave my head, I swear," Edwin said. George believed him. He pulled out his wallet and handed the kid some cash, all the while smiling at the image of Edwin giving himself a reverse Mohawk to the horror of the women in the house.

"Sorry, Liz," George said.

Lizzie shot Edwin a look of disgust and turned on her heel and left the kitchen.

_Edwin's in the doghouse_, George thought. _He'll have to buy her something to fix things_. The thought came pretty naturally, and brought him to the same realization that Casey and Derek had had a couple of hours before.

_Crap_, he thought, _them too?_

"Is Lizzie finally wearing that lip gloss I got her?" Nora said. "Now if I could only get her to get rid of those jeans. They're way too tight."

George wished he were back in that traffic jam.


	16. Chapter 16

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: Just in case we don't all know by now, I don't own _Life With Derek_, Egg McMuffins, _House, M.D_. Tim Sandlin's excellent _Skipped Parts_, book or movie. Or anything else I might have forgotten.

Chapter Sixteen

Part One: Nora

As predicted, Derek didn't touch breakfast. He didn't even have any coffee. This could be chalked up to nerves, but it could also be explained by his extra strong gag reflex and the fact that he would have stuff put down his throat very soon. Nora was pretty sure that he'd be ravenous when she dropped him back at home later.

She had a pretty light schedule today, and could have taken off altogether, but wanted to get ahead of some paperwork. Besides, both Derek and Casey were sure to be prickly, and she'd had her fill of that. George had decided to avoid it altogether by leaving early for once.

Derek had come downstairs looking like he'd perhaps died in the night. He'd showered, thankfully, but his hair was wet and had not met Mr. Comb at all. And his face must be missing it's buddy Mr. Razor, too. There was a time, not so long ago, when he shaved once a month whether he needed it or not, but that time had passed. He had dark circles under his eyes, and he'd taken to leaning against the island and drumming his fingers on the counter.

Marti's eyes followed him around the room until he sat next to her and let her lean against him for a few minutes.

Casey came down looking a thousand times more groomed than Derek, but with identical eye bags. She poured coffee, milk and sugar into a large tumbler and gulped it down. She then grabbed a banana and downed that in four quick neat bites. This finally, raised a smile from Derek.

"What?" Casey said. Derek shook his head.

Edwin and Lizzie came down shortly. Nora had time to think of how Edwin really did look kinda cute with his hair longer. It curled almost into ringlets. He was going to chop it off, though, no two ways about it.

Lizzie was wearing shorts. Nora wondered when exactly it was when Lizzie'd started shaving her legs and how exactly she'd missed it till this moment.

"Nora!" Marti said, bringing her back to Earth. Marti pointed at the clock.

"Oh, wow," Nora said. "You guys ready?"

Derek nodded, getting up. Marti grabbed her backpack, kissed everyone and headed for the car. Casey leaned in and gave Derek a quick kiss.

"Ooh, prickly," she said, trying to wipe her glitter lip gloss off of his mouth. He rolled his eyes.

"I'll have lunch ready when you get back," Casey said. "But apparently I'm taking Edwin to get weedwhacked first."

"No touchee," Edwin said as Derek tried to ruffle his hair and pretended to get his hand caught. To Casey and Lizzie's amusement, he grabbed his wrist in his other hand and pretended to give a mighty yank, sailing across the room as he got free.

"Are you done?" Edwin said. Derek nodded and went to join Marti.

Marti popped Kelly Clarkson into the CD player and both she and Nora sang along as they waited for the yellow bus to pull up to the stop in front of her school. Marti often complained that she was perfectly capable of walking the seven blocks to the school, but it was really hot today and she was clearly glad of the air conditioning. Plus Derek was with them, and she liked showing him off.

The big yellow cheese bus (_Did they still call it that?_ Nora wondered,) pulled up after a few minutes and Marti leaned over to kiss Nora and popped out of the back seat. Derek rolled the window down and she leaned in and gave him a bit wet smack, which always made him laugh. Then she was off.

"Sick of Kelly?" Nora asked. Derek shrugged like it made no difference to him, but she knew that he secretly liked Kelly Clarkson.

They got to Dr. Trent's office in the hospital annex early, but her waiting room was pleasant enough. Nora handed Derek a paperback copy of a book called _Skipped Parts_ that Edwin left in the car. She'd never heard of the book, or it's writer, Tim Sandlin, but obviously it had been made into a movie because Drew Barrymore, Mischa Barton, and Jennifer Jason Leigh were on the cover.

She watched Derek smile several times while reading the first couple chapters, so Nora decided that she'd have to check it out next.

The receptionist called Derek's name and Nora saw a little bit of color leave his face. She gave his arm a squeeze as he got up.

"I'll be right here," Nora said, taking the book. The receptionist looked like a college kid. He had short blond hair and black eyebrows. He also had a small hole where an eyebrow ring probably went as soon as he was done for the day. His eyes followed Derek as he headed back. He opened the door for him and gave him a wink.

Part Two: Derek

Nora was wearing the exact outfit she'd had on in his dream. It was this red t-shirt and a flowery skirt. She wore the combo often enough, so it stood to reason she'd wear it today, but it still startled him. When Dr. Trent came in, her hair was in a bun, held together with a pencil poked through it, just as it was in his dream, but again, she'd done that three out of the four times she'd met with him, so there was no reason to worry. Plus, he was pretty sure that no one took out warranties on kids. Not yet anyway.

"What's that face about, Derek?" Dr. Trent said. He shook his head and tried to look innocent.

"Come on, is there something I should know about?" she asked, looking concerned, and moving to examine his neck briefly. "Any unusual pain?"

He shook his head.

"Have you ever seen, _House, M.D_., Derek?" she asked. He nodded, unsure of where she was going with this. Did he have some kind of weird disease that three people in the history of the world have had?

"I mention this because Dr. House has this motto: 'Everyone Lies,' he says," she looked him in the eye.

"And," she continued, "it seems that everything people lie about on that show directly affects their treatment. That's a little too neat and tidy for me, but I think you understand what I'm getting at here don't you? You can go ahead and talk, because I want to hear your voice real quick."

He opened his mouth, squeaked, cleared his throat gently per doctor's orders, and said "You think I'm full of it," in a normal voice and he could have sworn he heard the angels sing.

"Good," she replied. "And is there anything I should be concerned about?"

"Nope," he said, smiling for the first time. She looked at him and nodded.

"Okay," she said. "Butt in the chair; we shall look, hopefully, for the last time. Or _I_ shall look, because _you're_ too much of a wuss."

She sent him out with a quick hug (his idea) and a set of handwritten directions from the speech therapist he'd be meeting in this building the next day.

"Be good," she said.

"Not if I can help it," he said. Did she know who she was talking to?

He came through the door, winked back at the receptionist, signed out, and went over to Nora. He waved a hand in front of her face, which had been quite buried in the book.

"Oh!" Nora said. "Sorry. Um...how'd it go?"

"Okay," he said.

"What a relief," she said. "You'll be hearing this a lot, I think, but the house has been way too quiet over the last week."

"Awww," he said. "I'm touched."

"Don't let it go to your head," she said. "Meanwhile, I really like this book, so far."

"It practically sounds like Edwin wrote it," he said.

"It does," Nora said. "So, feel like an Egg McMuffin?"

"Or ten," Derek said.

Part Three: Casey

Casey was at the hair salon (Edwin wanted a plain old barber, but neither she nor Lizzie would have that) when her cell phone rang. She and Lizzie had been in the middle of giving explicit directions to the hair stylist, who to her credit, calmly accepted their suggestions. She seemed to be used to this sort of thing.

"Excuse me a sec, Dani," Casey said, kicking a path through all the hair and making her way outside. Lizzie took up the slack.

"Hello," Casey said.

"What are you wearing?" Derek said. This was followed by an "Ow!" Then she heard a muffled "You eavesdrop more than Edwin and Lizzie you know that?"

"No making obscene phone calls to my daughter!" her Mom said. But she sounded pretty amused.

"Pink studded assless leather sailor suit," Casey said when he got back on the phone. For the first time in days, she heard him laugh.

"You better not be talking dirty," she heard her Mom say.

"Oh my God," Derek said. "Get your mind out of the gutter!"

"Your mom has a dirty mind; did you know that?" Derek said.

"I really missed your laugh," Casey said. " Did you know that?"

Silence on the other line.

"Venturi, you better not pick this moment to clam up!" Casey said. "What did the doctor say?"

"All's cool," he said. "Gave me stuff from the therapist for tomorrow, said no screaming at rock concerts, or baseball games, but I'm cool."

"I don't get the whole screaming at concerts and games and stuff," Casey said.

"Me neither," he said. "But people do it."

"So that's it?" Casey said. "Clean bill of health?"

"She said not to overdo it, no working in places where I have to yell over loud music, but basically, yeah." There was a rustle as her Mom took the phone from Derek. There was a slight echo which meant she put it on speaker phone.

"Hey, Casey," she said. "We're gonna head to the drive thru. Do you want anything?"

"Hash browns?" Casey said.

"And how's poor Edwin doing?"

"We flirted with giving him a mullet, but in the end we just couldn't do it." Casey said.

"Wuss," Derek said.

"Hush," Mom said.

Casey walked up to the window in time to see Edwin paying for the haircut.

"Ooh, she used too much product," Casey said. "But he looks pretty good." She said this last bit quietly and through her teeth so that Edwin didn't hear. Lizzie seemed happy as she trailed him out the door. Both were shaking bits of hair off of themselves. This was Lizzie's first experience with secondhand fur, never having been that close to someone else's haircut before. Casey wondered if Dani hadn't blown some of the hair on Lizzie deliberately. It used to happen to Casey all the time when she helped her Dad get his hair cut.

"So," Mom said. "Do you find out whether you have a part in the show yet, or what? Don't keep me in suspense!"

"Oh, Dunno yet," Casey said. She found that she no longer gave a damn. Right about now all she wanted was to meet up with Derek so that she could pounce on him.

"Well," Mom said. "Don't you think you should find out?"

"Yeah," Casey said. "We're gonna go now."

"Talk to you soon, baby, and I'm sure that goes for Derek, too, but if I let him have the phone, well, you know, he'll start breathing heavily again."

Casey laughed. "Ew, Mom. Love you."

"Love you too." And she hung up.

She went up to Lizzie and Edwin.

"Not bad," she said, reaching for Edwin's hair. He ducked her.

"Will people stop petting me!" Edwin said. "Get a kitten!"

"You shed slightly less and you're mostly house trained," Casey said.

"And you have all your shots," Lizzie said.

Edwin threw up his hands. "Women," he said.

"The sooner you accept that we run the show, the better," Casey said.

Edwin rolled his eyes.

"Okay," Casey said. "We have one more stop to make, then we can be home in time for Rachael Ray."

"Cool," Lizzie said, dragging Edwin to the car.

The Community Center parking lot was mostly empty, so she had no trouble getting a space near the door. She left the car running so that Edwin and Lizzie could still have the radio and the AC, and she ran in.

The cast list was posted in the middle of the bulletin board. It was laminated and loaded with clip art, so that Casey couldn't have missed it if she tried. It was also printed in a larger than usual font.

And there she was...it said, right there in Times New Roman 14 point font:

Audrey...Casey MacDonald.

She took out her phone, hit the camera button and pointed it at the page. She then sent the picture to Derek's phone. She giggled for a few seconds then turned to go back to the car.

He was standing behind her. She walked right into him.

"De-_rek_!" she said.

Part Four: Lizzie

She stretched out in the backseat of the car and put her legs over Edwin's. Edwin folded over the front passenger seat and put one foot up on it.

"I can't wait to take a shower," Edwin said. "Get all this goo out and get the little hairs off my neck."

"I know what you mean," she said. "Then you going clubbing?" she teased.

"Yeah, soon as they let fourteen year olds in," he said.

"I dunno," she said. "You can pass for about sixteen I think."

"Whatever," he said. He didn't believe a word of it, as well he shouldn't because it wasn't true, but he was pleased anyway.

"Your Dad can have his hat back anyway, right?"

"Yep," he agreed. He fiddled with his hair. "Sure it looks okay?"

This was when she put her legs down and leaned in and kissed him.

When she pulled away, she said: "Okay, you dork? Now are you satisfied that we didn't steer you wrong?"

"Uh-huh," he said. "Or...no, not yet," and he reached for her again.

Then there was a knock at the window, and Edwin jumped so high that his head hit the ceiling. Lizzie suddenly knew what a heart attack felt like.

"Derek!" she yelled. He gestured for her to open the door. She gave him an are-you-out-of-your-mind look, and he shrugged and took his keychain out of his pocket and let himself in.

"You two," he said. "Look like you're up to something."

"Hey," Edwin said. "You got your voice back."

"No changing the subject," Derek said. "You are so lucky Nora left before you two started sucking face, not that she didn't know that it was bound to happen sooner or later."

"She does?" Lizzie said.

"Duh," Derek said. "Everyone knows. So is Casey in there?" He pointed to the building.

They nodded.

"Okay," he said. "Don't make me have to separate you two. And hands off my breakfast." He grinned at them as he headed inside.

Part Five: Derek

Later on, Derek was sure that he'd have a cell phone shaped bruise on his chest, where she knocked into him, but he really couldn't care less. Casey threw her arms around him and did her best to make him forget his name and all the troubles he'd had in life so far.

"So you got the part?" he said, a little breathless.

"Huh?" she said. "Oh yeah, come look." He went over the list. After he saw Casey's name, he continued on for other names he knew. Sheldon got the part of the dentist. Emily got the part of Crystal. Chris, the tall blond guy, got Seymour. They would have to celebrate for real, later.

"Hey," Casey said, pulling a flyer from a rack nearby. She handed it to him.

"Student Short Film Contest," the flyer read. "Ages 13-18."

"Might be something to look into?" Casey said.

"Dunno," Derek said. "Doubt I'm ready for contests."

"Who are you and what have you done with Derek?" she asked. "Of course you are."

She put it in her pocket.

"Ready to go?" she asked.

"We should actually give Lizzie and Edwin a minute," he said.

"Why?" she asked. He raised an eyebrow at her.

"Ohhhhh," she said. "Really?"

"Yep," he said. "They're gaining on us. You really want to let that happen?" He put his arms around her, and went for her neck. Sometimes he wondered if he were a vampire in a previous life; he was so crazy about her neck. The two of them inched their way outside, neither one looking at where they were going. They knocked over another pamphlet rack, and Casey sat down hard on a table by the door.

It took everything that Derek had in him to follow the speed limit home. They left Lizzie and Edwin in front of the television and casually walked, then ran upstairs.

They went to Casey's room. It had a better lock on it than Derek's.

Derek's shirt was off before he knew what was happening. He looked up to see Casey unbuttoning hers.

There wasn't much time between kisses to get full sentences out, but one of them was:

"Are you sure?"

And another was:

"Absolutely."

Casey, in between kisses, reached into the bottom drawer of her nightstand for the condoms that her mother made sure she had. She'd had the same conversation with Casey that George had had with Derek.

Derek went over to check the lock again.


	17. Chapter 17

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I made up a few characters, so I guess I can be consoled by the fact that at least I own them, but still no LWD people for me. Waaah. Oh and I don't own the Death Cab song, Narnia, or _The Exorcist_ either.

Chapter Seventeen

Part One: Casey.

Derek had briefly fallen asleep afterward. Right on top of Casey, and even in the roughly 300 percent humidity she would've been mad if he'd moved. She spent the time looking at his face and the way his eyebrows knitted together a little before he woke up.

"Crap," he said. He rolled off of her. This time he caught himself before he fell off the bed.

"You have the soul of a poet, you know that?" Casey said.

"Sorry I fell asleep," he said. He looked up at her though his eyebrows and a shock of floppy hair.

"S'okay," she said. "You looked all cute. Like a scruffy, shaggy little—"

"Don't say it," he said.

"Puppy."

"Aw hell no," he said. She rolled on top of him, and pinned him easily. He seemed to have lost all coordination, somehow. But he was smiling.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Are _you_?" she asked.

"Can't complain," he said. She hit him with a pillow.

Part Two: Edwin

It was too hot to go outside, so Edwin and Lizzie had parked themselves in front of the TV as soon as they got home. Derek had dropped his untouched and still warmish McDonald's bag between them on the couch, so they didn't even pretend that something wasn't up. Lizzie got up and pulled several random DVDs off the shelf.

"_The Patriot_?" Edwin asked. "_Backbeat_?"

"Or _The Exorcist_," Lizzie said. Edwin was trying too hard to find a pattern in these choices. He figured out eventually that she picked them mainly for their noise level, because she didn't much want to hear what was probably about to happen upstairs. She hit the surround sound feature on the remote and popped _Backbeat_ in.

About half an hour into the movie, they heard a thud coming from upstairs. Edwin hit the pause button.

"Should we check on that?" he said, even though he really didn't want to. They waited in silence for a minute.

"Nope," Lizzie said. Edwin hit play on the remote.

After the movie, Edwin got up to go to the bathroom. He went upstairs, but came down grumbling under his breath and headed for the basement. When he came back, he announced:

"Damn door was locked."

"Figured," Lizzie said.

"And I heard giggling," he said.

"They were..."

"Conserving water," Edwin euphemized.

"Ew ew ewwww!" she said, to Edwin's endless amusement.

"Think of it this way," Edwin said. "Would you rather they didn't take a shower?"

"They could shower one at a time like normal people?" Lizzie said. "Never caught Mom and George doing any of that."

Who was she kidding? "Remember that bump my Dad had on his head that time?"

"Yeah."

"Weelllll," Edwin said. "You know how small their shower stall is."

Lizzie shuddered, purely for effect. Edwin put an arm around her and she leaned in as he restarted the movie again.

Part Three: Derek

He really needed to wipe that stupid look off his face. They would have to pick up Smarti soon, and then Dad and Nora would be home. His dad would take one look at him and keel over, then Nora would kill him. Slowly.

Casey looked pretty damn composed compared to him. Now she was sitting on the edge of her bed, braiding her hair too tight as usual.

"Why do you do that?" Derek asked. "It can't be comfortable." He pulled his own hair back from his forehead to demonstrate.

"Don't exaggerate, Derek," Casey said. "It's hot out. I just don't want my hair in my face during rehearsal later."

"Ookaay," Derek said.

"Looks tight because it's wet," she said. Then she crossed her eyes at him because he was still staring at her with probably that same goofy look on his face. It was like he'd lost precious IQ points since this morning and he really didn't think he had any to spare. He tried not to smile for a minute and that's when Casey started to crack up.

"I'm glad you think this is so funny," he said. The corners of his mouth had a mind of their own meanwhile. The more he tried to push them down, the more they quirked up.

"I'm happy you're happy," she said.

"Easy for you to say," he said. "You don't look like you need help tying your own shoes."

She rolled her eyes. "You're trying too hard, and the more you try not to smile, the worse it'll be. Now I don't know about you, but I'm hungry."

"Feel like I haven't eaten in a week," he said.

When they got downstairs, Edwin and Lizzie had _The Exorcist_ on and they were actually watching it, but Edwin's head was in Lizzie's lap, her hand in his hair, for once with no argument.

"Wanna help an old altar boy, Faddah?" Derek said, making them both jump. Edwin catapulted off of Lizzie, coming within an inch of bonking her chin with his head on the way up.

"Jeez, Derek!" Lizzie said, putting a hand over her heart. Derek circled around for a front view of the two of them on the couch. Both mouths were swollen, hair disheveled. Derek made a point of moving Lizzie's hair off of her neck to check for hickies.

"Quit it," she said, smacking his hand away.

"Unless you want us to return the favor," Edwin said. Damn kid always was too smart for him. Casey turned away, blushing.

Derek put his hand on his chest and sat on the arm of the couch. "Is that the way you talk to your loving, concerned, about to make lunch, brother?"

"Loving?" Lizzie said.

"Concerned?" Edwin said.

"About to make lunch?" Casey said.

"E tu Casey?"

"Oohhh literary reference from Derek!" Casey said.

"What's your point?" he said, trying his damnedest to look hurt by all these insults. He tried poking his lower lip out, but it just wouldn't stay.

"Nobody loves me," he said theatrically, as he headed for the kitchen.

He made sandwiches quickly, assembly line style: mayo, mayo, mayo, mayo, tomato, tomato, tomato, tomato, salami, salami, salami, salami etc. He brought his and Casey's to the table complete with those blue corn chips she likes and a little cup of salsa. He set down a pitcher of iced tea. Then he sat down with her and began to eat.

"Hey!" Edwin said.

"Do I look like a waiter to you?" Derek said, taking the hand towel off his wrist as he said it. He looked at Lizzie and pointed to a chair. She took it.

Edwin went into the kitchen in a huff and no doubt found his sandwich ready made with a handful of the ranch nachos that only he liked on the side. Lizzie's plate was next to his with more blue chips on the side.

Edwin brought the plates and a couple of glasses in. "Why are you being nice to us, did you spit in this?" He lifted the top of the roll and peered underneath.

"Do ya see the way he talks to his brother?" Derek said to the rest of the table.

"Don't question why Derek's being nice. Just enjoy it while it lasts, Edwin," Casey said. Derek nodded, his mouth full.

"Yeah, okay," Edwin said. He gave Derek the eyebrow, and started to eat.

Part Four: Marti

There was a honk as she got off the cheese bus. The air conditioning was broken on the bus, and they'd hit a little traffic, so she was sweaty, cranky and out of sorts. The burnt-plastic smell of the seats clung to her as its raised weave pattern tattooed the backs of her legs.

Plus, she'd seen Tony, her favorite counselor, kissing Kelly, one of the lifeguards.

It's not that she thought he'd be kissing _her_ or anything, because she was eight and Tony was at least Smerek's age, and that would be weird, but it still ruined her day.

But there was her Smerek and her Casey waiting for her right in front of the school where everyone could see, so she half skipped as she made her way down the sidewalk to their Honda. She clunked herself down into the backseat with a sigh, the way she'd seen her Dad hit the couch after a long day.

Derek caught her eye in the rear-view mirror and said. "Hot enough for you, Smarti?" Then she had to smile because he was talking and not writing notes so she wouldn't have to read his messy handwriting anymore and it also meant that he could trade insults with Edwin back and forth real quick the way they always do, so everything was good again.

She got up onto her knees in the backseat and leaned forward to give Derek a hug from behind.

"Ew," he said, "Back off, Sweaty." But he was smiling so she knew he didn't mean it.

"Least I don't have salami breath," Marti said. Casey laughed.

There was Derekmusic playing on the radio, something about not finding gloves in the glove compartment of the car, and it sounded kinda sad, but it made her think of Derek so she liked it. She wondered if he'd sing along now that his voice was better, even though she hasn't heard him sing in forever. And he was a terrible singer, but that never stopped him before he'd gotten hurt.

But he didn't sing along, not even when the song changed to something happier. Not even when he pulled into the parking lot of the ice cream shop, and that made her a little sad. But overall, she felt way better than she had on the bus half an hour ago. Especially when she saw Derek and Casey share a double cone. All was well.

Part Five: Casey

They had their first rehearsal that night,so Derek and Casey had had to scarf down dinner and run to the community center.

Sheldon and Emily came up to them as Derek set up his camera on the tripod near the stage. Both Casey and Derek knew what they were waiting for. Derek played it cool, though.

"Sup," he said.

"Heeeeeeey," Sheldon said. "Not bad, boy. Much better than last time, though Emily said that whole raspy Rod Stewart thing was sexy—" He was cut off when Emily put a hand over his mouth.

Over the course of the night, Casey would notice that most people's response to Derek's recovered voice had a "Heeeeeeey" in them. She wondered why that was.

"Um..." Derek said. "Thanks, Schlep. I think." He patted Sheldon on the back.

"Anytime," Sheldon said, after he wiggled out of Emily's grip.

"Oh, and I didn't get a chance to mention it, but grrreat audition Friday night," Derek began. He exaggerated his own mannerisms for emphasis.

Sheldon looked a little uncomfortable for a second. "Um," he said. "That wasn't exactly planned..."

"Lighten up, Schlep," Derek said. "But I think I should get my little brother Edwin to show you how it's done for real. Casey does a pretty good impression of me, too," Casey blushed at this, "but Edwin's is really the best."

People made a general fuss over Derek. Many of them, Casey had had to remind herself, had never met him and knew nothing about him, so it was interesting to see them react to Derek now that he felt a little more like himself.

Jack, the director came up to Derek, shook his hand, and started to talk about what he had planned and where Derek might like to shoot from, etc. At Derek's first monosyllabic response:

"Heeeeeeey," Jack said. "Listen to _you_. So like I was saying, you can go ahead and get pretty close on most of this, get a lot of shots of people looking at me like I'm crazy, maybe? That'd be cool. And don't neglect our rehearsal pianist, the lovely and talented Mrs. Kiernan," At this, he pointed over at a the piano where his wife, a brunette in a sundress, waved at them. "And I said this before, but you should really take some acting in college maybe. I'm thinking that you'd be good at it."

"Umm..." Derek said. "'Kay." He caught Casey's eye and grinned.

"Casey!" Jack said, "Help me out here. He'd be great right?"

Casey, who thought Derek would only be good at playing himself, said: "I'm sure." She winked at him.

There were folding chairs set up in a circle in front of the stage. Jack waved everyone over and called for attention.

He made everyone introduce themselves. Casey learned several things:

Sheldon has had years of voice lessons. "And one day I hope to beat my girlfriend at Karaoke night," he said.

Debra Singh took lessons with the same voice teacher and she was the one who got Sheldon interested in the play.

Chris was a model and a theater major and possibly a little overqualified to be there, but, when questioned about it said: "I really always wanted to play Seymour, so when I came home this summer, I went for it."

The guy they got to play Mushnik, Jack Castellucio, was an English/Drama teacher at St. Francis of Assisi.

Melissa Chang who was going to be Ronnette, did print ads and wanted to eventually do commercials. Brianna Martinez (Chiffon) said she was trying to get an agent.

David Epstein, who would be playing Audrey Two (after the audition on Friday, Derek passed her a note: _Dude sounds like Eddie Vedder. Do you think that we could get this guy to do my outgoing voice message?_) was in a band and trying to record a demo. As he spoke, he twirled a dreadlock in one hand, and openly flirted with whoever would allow it.

Casey and Emily were the least professional people in the cast, and Casey, for her part, wanted to hide under her chair.

After the cast introduced themselves, Jack turned to Derek who was standing behind the camera.

"Wanna say a few words, Derek?" he said.

"Not really," Derek said, to general laughter.

"Ah, but you will," Jack said.

"I'm Derek. I go to Thompson. I have a camera. I enjoy long walks and...candlelight...and...cookies," he said. "And I do whatever Casey tells me to."

"Or else," Casey said.

Part Six: Derek

People who hug you within half an hour of meeting you are not to be trusted. Derek came up with this theory during a break while he was setting up a shot and saw Casey off to one side talking to Chris. Chris, having already committed the crimes of being two inches taller than Derek and having a six-pack that showed through his t-shirt, made things worse by squeezing hell out of Casey. She giggled. Derek's blood pressure rose.

Casey, though, God love her, took the first opportunity to introduce Chris to Derek. She did this formally. Derek almost expected bows and curtsies.

"So does 'I do whatever Casey tells me to,' mean what I think it does?" Chris asked. Casey put a hand on Derek's back, ever mindful of his PDA rule.

"It means he's the _boyfriend_," she said. Before that moment Derek had only had an academic understanding of the power of that word. His blood pressure went back to normal. He held out a hand to shake and was pulled into a bone-crushing hug. Derek, not for the first time, wished that he could grow porcupine quills.

"Good to meetcha, man," Chris said, patting him on the back. Derek shot Casey a quick what-the-hell-is-this-about look. Casey shrugged.

"So do you go to film school?" Chris asked.

"_High_ school," Derek said.

"Oh yeah, you said you went to Thompson, didn't you? My bad," Chris said. There was an awkward pause "Are you thinking of film school, then?"

"Dunno," Derek said. He would not be dragged into a conversation with this pretty boy...this reject from NSync. It wasn't gonna happen.

"I can see him in film school," Casey said. Derek smiled at her, his mood lifting. "He's definitely bossy enough."

Derek pointed at her and said, "Pot." He pointed back at himself and said "Kettle."

"And you two have been married for how long?" Chris asked.

"A good twenty, twenty-five years," Casey said. When did she grow a sense of humor?

"You're so cute; I can't even _deal_," Chris said. Then he excused himself.

_Not to be trusted_, Derek thought.

Part Seven: Edwin

"We are so gonna get caught," Lizzie whispered. She was cramped into what was supposed to be a wardrobe of the _Narnia_ variety, with a false back. It gaped open, but it had a black curtain to hide its back door. There was a small hole in the curtain, just big enough to fit the camera's lens into, so Edwin could see what was happening, but Lizzie could not. Every once in a while, someone walked by, passing within inches of them. The floorboards of the stage would squeak. And every time that happened, Lizzie put a vice grip on Edwin's free arm. It was going to bruise.

"Hush," Edwin said. He instantly regretted it when she smacked his already aching arm.


	18. Chapter 18

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I have no claim on LWD or it's characters, and to make things worse, I'm a big reference junkie and will probably continue to be, so please assume I have no claim on any of that stuff either.

A/N: Must comment on "Show Off Tune." I feel so very unoriginal, but it really was only a matter of time before they did the school play plot. I just applaud the writers for not rewriting history and deciding to turn Derek into the next Jeff Freakin' Buckley. Leave the rewriting of history to us. :-)

Chapter Eighteen

Part One: Casey

Jack had a weird habit of yelling at people for not doing things that he'd forgotten to tell them to do.

"Casey!" he yelled. "Downstage! Did I not ask you to come downstage on that line?"

"No, you did not," she said.

"I didn't?" he said. He turned to Derek who shook his head.

"Whoops" he said. "Sorry. Maybe it's quitting time, 'cause I'm losing it."

Casey looked at her watch. It was almost ten o'clock anyway.

"Okay, I'm starving to death," said Chris from behind Casey. "Who's with me? Casey? Derek? Sheldon and Emily? Where do all these damn _couples_ come from? Am I the only person left alone in the universe? Debra? How bout you, Mr. C?" He walked toward the vending machine, shaking his head as he got a Gatorade.

Several people ended up begging off, but Sheldon, Emily, David, Brianna and Melissa came to the diner with them. Several tables needed to be pushed together. Chris was sweet enough to help the waiters set up the tables, and while he did it, he sang a few bars of "La Vie Boheme."

"Just had to see who got that," he said after only a few people laughed.

"C'mon, Derek," Casey said, looking at his stone face. "You saw _Rent_."

"I did?"

"Rosario Dawson played a stripper," Casey said.

"Oh yeah," Derek said, a smile creeping across his face. Casey rolled her eyes and dragged him to a table.

"You're not gonna yell at him for that?" Emily said.

"Nah," Casey said. "I have the same reaction to Adam Pascal." Emily nodded.

"Which one was he?" Derek asked.

"Growly voice...flannel shirt," Casey said. "Puccini on the electric guitar." She hummed the guitar riff.

Derek nodded, then suddenly indignant, he said "Hey!"

"We're even," Casey said. She studied the menu. "Wanna split some fries?"

"And onion rings," he said. "Maybe some mozzarella sticks."

"You're kidding," she said, wrinkling her nose at the mental picture of all the grease it took to make the stuff Derek wanted.

"And nachos," he said. But then he winked to show that he was indeed kidding. Maybe.

While they waited for the food, most of the kids took the opportunity to pump each other for information. As Casey could have predicted, people seemed particularly fascinated by Derek because he didn't say much at first.

"So are you 'the quiet one,' Derek?" Brianna said, finger quotes and all.

Sheldon choked on his water. Several hands thumped him on the back until he regained his composure.

"Trying to say something, Sheldon?" Derek asked.

"Who me?" Sheldon said. "Nope, water went down wrong is all."

"I'm guessing that means you're _not_ the quiet one, are you, Derek?"Chris said.

"Good guess," he said.

"So would you have tried out, if you hadn't been having voice troubles?" David asked.

Casey was mid-sip when he asked that and it took heroic (and visible) self control for her not to spray the table.

"Does that answer your question?" Derek said, nodding toward Casey. "Me and musicals...don't mix."

"Oooh, is there a story there?" Chris said.

"Nope," Casey and Derek said in unison.

"There _is_ a story!"Chris said.

"Let's just say I sing like the first week of _Canadian Idol,_" Derek said. "Or _American Idol_. Either one."

"Ouch," Brianna said.

Melissa, who'd been pretty quiet, piped up, "_You_ watch Canadian Idol?"

"In our house?" Derek said. He pointed at Casey. "This one and her mom and her sister? And _my_ sister while we're at it? Dad, Edwin and I don't stand a chance."

"Wait a sec..." Melissa said. "What?"

"You live together?" Brianna asked.

_Uh-oh_, Casey thought. Her stomach dropped to the floor. "We're step-siblings," she said, eyes shut tight for the coming onslaught.

"Wow," Chris said. "That is so _Brady Bunch_! 'Cause you know what Marcia and Greg were _really_ up to, right? Did you see _A Very Brady Sequel_? When they shared the attic room? Not as freaky as _Flowers in the Attic_, but what can you do?"

"Weren't they actually brother and sister in _Flowers in the Attic_?" Melissa asked.

"Yeah, think so," Chris said.

"Breathe, Casey," Derek said. She let out the breath she'd been holding. She thought her heart might have stopped for a second when they mentioned _Flowers in the Attic_.

"Think Drake and Josh actually get busy when the lights go out?" David wondered aloud. Derek barked laughter before covering his mouth to stifle it.

"Definitely," Emily said. Sheldon looked at her, surprised.

"You think so?" Sheldon said. "I don't see it."

"It's the way _I _would've written it, anyway," Emily said, shrugging.

"Sweetie, were you scared that we'd burn you at the stake or something?" Brianna said to Casey.

"Maybe a little," Casey said. She didn't know why she worried so much. Derek didn't seem worried at all.

"_J'accuse_!" David teased.

"Well, do they know at your school?"

"_Everybody_ saw it coming," Emily said. She pointed back and forth between Casey and Derek. "_They_ were the last to know."

"_She_ was the last to know," Derek said, pointing at Casey.

"That is so _cute_," Brianna cooed.

"But it was sort of a big thing for a couple days," Sheldon said. "Till something else came along."

"So now Derek is our cinematographer," Casey said, desperate to change the subject.

"More like the Assistant Director," Sheldon said. People nodded.

On several occasions that night, Jack had turned to Derek to ask his opinion on something to do with their performances and Derek had given good answers. Everybody had been suitably impressed by him.

"The guy keeps trying to recruit me for his next show, though," Derek said.

"He knows a star when he sees one," Casey said. As much as she wanted it to, it didn't come off the least bit sarcastic. Derek blushed a little.

"Actually, some directors and screenwriters take acting classes to learn how to be directors you know," Sheldon said.

"So I'm told," Derek said.

"_Inside the Actors Studio_?" Sheldon said. Derek nodded.

"James Lipton," Chris said. "Reminds me of my literature prof. I mean, he's head to toe tweed, so you think he's gonna be stuffy, but then he starts analyzing _Hamlet_ in terms of sexuality or something and you find out that he has the dirtiest mind ever. He's the coolest."

"But there is so much sex in Shakespeare!" Casey said.

"There is?" Derek asked. "Where was I when we covered that in English?"

Part Two: Lizzie

They managed to get home just before their curfew, sneaking away during a break in rehearsal, and hopping a bus. Edwin thought to pick up some candy and a comic book for Marti because, he explained, he was sure that she was starting to feel neglected lately. None of them seemed to be in the house when she was there, so she was stuck with only their parents and Sir Monks-A-Lot to occupy her.

Edwin also picked up drinks for the both of them and, without asking, knew that Lizzie had a weird thing for pineapple soda.

They walked in, said a quick hello to their parents and went upstairs. Edwin poked his head into Marti's room.

"You awake?" he stage-whispered.

"Uh-huh," Lizzie heard Marti whisper back. Lizzie poked her head in, too and saw Marti sitting up in bed, not the least bit tired. Her nightlight was on and they could see pretty well.

"Catch," Edwin whispered, tossing her the paper bag of candy. She caught it with no trouble. "Don't eat too much or you'll never sleep and Dad will kill me."

Marti tucked a Starburst into her mouth and put the rest in her nightstand. She got up, skirting the squeaky part of the floor and hugged Edwin and Lizzie real quick before climbing back into bed with the comic book from Edwin's pocket.

Lizzie then followed Edwin to his room in the attic. He put his backpack down on the bed and, plopping down next to it, reached in to pull the camera out.

"Let's see what we got," he said, as Lizzie booted his computer. He handed her the camera and she hooked the USB cable to it. There was a slight squeak next to her as he opened up a metal folding chair to sit on. She offered to switch seats with him, but he waved her off.

"That shot came out so great," Edwin said.

"Conceited much?" Lizzie teased.

Edwin pouted.

"It was a great shot actually," Lizzie said.

"I didn't think it would come out," Edwin said. "I think this calls for a happy dance!" He got up and did a quick _Cha Cha Slide_. His usual happy dance involved grabbing his ankle from behind and kicking it, but it was late and if he fell down,(the way he always did) his Dad would kill him.

Lizzie covered her eyes, peeking at him through her fingers. She really envied his confidence sometimes. It wasn't his most consistent trait—he did freak that time he had to do that rap at the assembly, but he danced at the center of the gym during every school dance they'd ever been to. This despite an almost total lack of grace and only a little rhythm. Lately she'd been learning not to care what she looked like on the dance floor either. That was mostly his influence, with maybe a little George thrown in.

He held out a hand.

"You do realize that there's no music on?" Lizzie said.

"So?" Edwin said. "Put some on."

"It's the middle of the night!"

"It's 10:00," Edwin said. "And you don't have to crank it."

Lizzie stared at him.

"Come on, Lizzie," he said. When she didn't move, he reached over her and opened up his music player, clicking on something old fashioned. She looked back at the monitor to check what it was: "'Everyday'—Rogue Wave" scrolled across the screen. He held out his hand again, and this time she took it.

Part Three: Derek

Having finally gotten rid of all the perky theater people, (He mostly liked them, but wasn't ready to admit it yet) Derek drove home while Casey nodded off in the passenger seat. It took a full ten minutes to wake her up enough to get her inside. He would have tried to carry her, but he hadn't worked out all week and felt more than a little out of practice. Anyway, she was almost as tall as he was. That made things awkward. He worried that he'd bang her into the doorjamb. Again.

"Case," he whispered in her ear. Nothing.

"Casey," he tried again, a little louder.

This time he got a little "huh?" out of her.

"Let's go inside," he said. She curled up to make herself more comfortable.

"Hmmmm," she said.

"Come on," he said, nudging her. "If we don't get you upstairs, then you'll sleep out here all night, with the bugs and the heat and you'll have a crick in your neck all day tomorrow, and somehow it will be my fault, so let's go," he said. "I'd carry you, but I might drop you...again."

She stretched and for a second he thought she'd get up, but she curled up again.

"I'm going inside to get ice cubes," he said. That did it.

"Bossy," she said.

They went through the living room, passing his Dad and Nora on the couch. They had a DVD on, something with Harrison Ford in it, and Nora was watching it. Derek's father was asleep and leaning heavily on her. Dad could never go to movies with the family when Derek was a kid because he'd be snoring halfway through the previews, no matter what the movie was. It was humiliating.

He half-dragged Casey upstairs and passed a humming Lizzie on the way.

"Night, Lizzie," Casey mumbled.

"Night," Lizzie said. She was smiling a lot and suddenly Derek was terrified.

"What?" Lizzie said, noticing the way he was staring.

_We're gonna have to have a talk tomorrow, Lizzie_, he thought, but couldn't force himself to say.

"Nothing," he said. "G'night."


	19. Chapter 19

And The Winner Is...

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I officially write for _Life With Derek_, could you just imagine the table reads if I did?

Chapter Nineteen

Part One: Derek

Speech therapy was...awkward to say the least. There was, as expected, a series of humiliating vocal exercises that he was apparently going to have to practice whether he liked it or not. Nick, the speech pathologist, it turned out, had trained as an opera singer, and seemed to enjoy nothing more than demonstrating this type of thing. It was something to see. Nick was about 5'3"and weighed maybe as much as Lizzie, but the voice of a three hundred pounder came out of him. Derek briefly imagined being blown out of the office by the wind the man produced, except that he was producing surprisingly little wind for all that noise. Derek hoped that Nick didn't expect him to imitate what he'd just done. He'd have a stroke.

"Does any of this sound like something you've seen before, Derek?" Nick said, smiling at the look of shock and unease on Derek's face.

"My girlfriend is a singer," Derek said. "She's done...some of this."

"Yep," Nick said. "Basically, Derek, what you're getting here are singing lessons."

"Mhmm," Derek said, mainly because some response seemed called for. Then he said, "I should probably warn you that nothing in the world will help my singing, but if you think this'll help otherwise, then okay."

Nick laughed. "I'm sure I've heard worse," he said.

"Trust me," Derek said. "You haven't."

After an hour or so of singing scales (with orders to practice at home), Derek left the place a little shell-shocked. Normally his first instinct would be to do the therapy, but to bitch and moan all the way through, the way he did when his Dad made him clean the garage or rake the yard. But today he'd spent some time in a waiting room filled with people in much worse shape than he was, so he kept most of his comments to himself.

Afterward, as he walked up the block trying to remember where he parked, he found Casey leaning on the hood of the car. He'd left her at home that morning, hoping to deal with the unpleasantness on his own, but he was glad to see her at that moment. She leaned toward him expecting their customary peck, but he surprised her with a really enthusiastic, if brief kiss.

"How'd it go?" she asked.

"Weird," he said. "But okay I guess."

She waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't, and for once, she let it go at that.

Part Two: Casey

Instead of bugging him, she took him to Smelly Nelly's for sandwiches. There wasn't really anyone left from their brief stint working there, so nobody bothered them. He ate his Italian combo(red vinegar dripping everywhere and lingering on his hands even after he washed them) in silence and she had her avocado wrap while trying to respect his silence until she couldn't take it anymore.

"Okay," she said. "You look traumatized. Was it really that bad?"

"Huh?" he said looking at her like he'd never seen anything like her before. Then he shook his head and seemed to come back to Earth and said: "No, I was thinking of something."

"What were you thinking about?"

"Whether or not to let Edwin live," he said.

Casey laughed. "What'd he do this time?"

He thought for a minute, a look on his face that was usually reserved for raw broccoli.

"I might need to have a _talk_ with him," he said, using air quotes.

"About what?" she said. "You're being all cryptic again. I can't imagine what he could've tried to pull on you; he's been so busy making out with Lizzie—"

Derek raised an eyebrow.

"What," Casey said. "You think...come on, they're _f__ourteen_, and I think they only started kissing _yesterday_."

"Your point?"

"And isn't that your Dad's job?" Casey said. "Anyway, he's already given Edwin the birds and the bees speech. Edwin didn't stop shuddering for days. Neither did your Dad, for that matter"

"Don't forget, I had the talk _twice_," Derek said. "I might be a little bit slower on the uptake than Ed is, but the two of them are alone in the house right now..." He let the statement hang in the air.

Without another word, Casey got up and went to the cashier for the check.

Later, in the car, they tried to work out the logistics.

"Should we stop at the drugstore?" Casey said. It was a good thing that she was driving, because Derek would have crashed the car. As it was, she could see him gripping the dashboard out of the corner of her eye.

"N-n-n," he began, but then said "Y-yeah, probably." He began to mutter "oh Gods" like a mantra as she pulled into the parking lot of the drugstore.

"Are you coming in with me, or what?" she said, turning off the ignition.

"OhGodOhGodOhGod."

"Is that a yes or a no?"

"OhGodOhGodOhGod."

"Do you need to throw up?" Casey said, as they whooshed through the automatic doors and they were hit with the air conditioning.

"Not yet," he said. He took a deep breath, and at least partially collected himself. She made a mental note to pick up some Pepto Bismol while they were there.

"This was _your_ idea, you know," Casey said.

"Uh-huh," Derek said. "Why are we in the shampoo aisle?"

"I'm running out of mousse," she said grabbing a bottle. "Kiwi or mango?"

"Think we can focus, here?" he said.

"_I _can," she said. "I'm waiting for _you_." She smiled at him. His panic, oddly enough had a calming effect on her. She pictured him at his wedding. Whether or not he married _her_, it would be fun to watch him hyperventilate at the altar. She put a hand on his cheek.

"Mango," he said.

"Kiwi it is, then," she joked, pretending to put the kiwi one into their basket, but going with the mango instead.

He rolled his eyes, but seemed a lot steadier.

"Go get us some Altoids, and some sunblock—spf 30, okay? I'll meet you at the checkout," Casey said, having decided that the best way to do this was by sending him on a goose chase while she went to the family planning aisle herself.

The cashier looked Casey up and down, when she saw what she was buying. This was the same woman (25 years old at least) who winked at Derek on their way in. _And she's looking at me like __I'm __dirty_, she thought. Any other day, she might have been tempted to say something, but she wanted to hurry up and get home so they could all have their little talk, and then get the carnage cleaned up before their parents got home.

Part Three: Derek

"Ed!" Derek said as they walked through their front door.

"Yo," Edwin said from the kitchen. Derek headed right for him.

Edwin had been in the middle of taking the plastic off of a bag of microwave popcorn and he stood next to the island with the little folded bag in one hand and the wrapper in the other.

"Upstairs," Derek said.

A/N: He he...cliffie...dun dun duuuun. And by the way...I meant what I said in the last post. Though I realize that the method of voice therapy might suggest otherwise, I have no intention of turning Derek into a singer. Those who have done so or are planning to do so in other fics, please continue because it's entertaining, but I shall not.


	20. Chapter 20

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: On how many shows of this sort do ya really hear mention of condoms and such? Nuff said. Me gots no claim on any of it.

Chapter Twenty.

Part One: Edwin

"Why?" Edwin said.

"Why?" Derek said. "_Why_? What do you mean 'why'?"

"_Porque_?" Edwin said, stalling. Usually Derek was clear about what it was he wanted. He'd say "Ed! Cereal! Or Ed! Gimme a twenty!" Now he was being vague. Not a good sign.

"Huh?" Derek said. "Just come upstairs. I need to talk to you. _Jeez_!"

"About what?"

"The mysteries of the universe, Edwin," Derek said. "And your continued place in it; now let's go upstairs." He put one hand on Edwin's shoulder and led him toward the stairs and up to the attic.

Edwin prayed to anyone he thought would listen that Derek hadn't gotten into Edwin's computer and seen any of his footage. He made a mental note to change his password just in case.

Derek pointed to Edwin's bed. "Sit," he said. Edwin, thinking _Good Boy_, sat down and waited to be patted on the head or given a treat or something.

Derek grabbed the squeaky folding chair, turned it around and straddled it, folding his arms on the back and leaning his chin on them.

"So, Derek," Edwin said. "What brings you up here this fine day?" Edwin began to regret that second bowl of cereal he'd had for breakfast.

"Thought it was time to have a talk," Derek said. For once there was none of his usual overgesticulation and no wiseass tone. He seemed to actually be gripping the chair.

"About the mysteries of the universe?" Edwin said. "Or do you subscribe to the theory of the multi-verse, because I was reading..."

"Ed," Derek said.

"Do I wanna know what this is about?" Edwin said. "'Cause I don't think I do."

Derek kept eye contact, but swallowed a couple of times before he continued.

"You and Lizzie," he began.

"Yeah," Edwin said.

"You're sorta close," Derek said.

_Ya think_? Edwin thought. "Mhmm," he said.

"And...I...um...we...," Derek stammered. Edwin thought that he could count on his fingers the number of times he'd seen his brother this tongue tied, and that in and of itself confused and worried him. At first he couldn't begin to imagine what the hell was on Derek's mind.

Then it hit him. And he wanted to laugh, but thought it best to play dumb. He said nothing.

"Okay," Derek said, taking a breath. "We wanted to make sure that you guys knew what you were doing..."

_What, does he have an instructional booklet or something...I really don't want to receive the Kama Sutra from my brother_, Edwin thought. _Wait a minute...is that really what he thinks we're doing_?

"Derek," Edwin said.

"And if you want to talk about...things, then you know where to go...if you don't wanna talk to Dad or anything..." Derek babbled.

"_Derek_," Edwin said. Derek got up from the chair and began to pace.

"And you guys really need to take things slow because you guys are fourteen and, you know, you're my family and I'm...worried...and..."

"De-_rek_!" Edwin said, throwing a pillow at him. Derek looked up.

"WHAT THE _HELL_?" Edwin yelled. "What do you think this is? A Very Special _Degrassi_? Are you trying to give me the _talk_? Are you serious?"

"Ed," Derek said.

"No," Edwin said. "Uh-uh. This? Is not happening. Do you really think that we're...I'm _fourteen_ for Chrissake!"

"What's your point?" Derek said.

"And this would be your business...how?!"

"Wait..._what_?" Derek said. "Not my business? You better freakin believe that it's my business. It is _so_ my business. I'm trying to talk to you like an adult here—"

"Yeah, that's rich," Edwin said. "'Ed! Upstairs!'" he quoted, slipping into his Derek impression. "You're like three steps from smacking me with a rolled up newspaper. Or maybe you want to suggest I get fixed?"

Edwin could see his heartbeat through his t-shirt. He half-wanted to run, but he was stuck now, and if he backed down, he was dead. Derek's face was beginning to turn red.

"Edwin," Derek said. He took a deep breath before continuing. "We need to talk about this."

"No," Edwin said. "We don't."

"You don't know what you're doing," Derek said. "I've been there."

"We're not _do_ing _any_thing," Edwin said.

"How long do you really expect that to last?" Derek said.

"I don't know," Edwin said. "As long as it needs to."

"As long as it needs to?" Derek said. "Have you thought about this at all? I'm seventeen...fourteen was not that long ago. I remember it well, you might say. And if I had even the slightest opportunity..."

"Yeah, you would've banged anything that moved," Edwin said. "I'm not you."

"You're breathing," Derek said. "You _are_ breathing aren't you? You have a pulse."

"So that makes me a gorilla?" Edwin said.

"You calling me a gorilla?" Derek said.

"If it looks like a gorilla and it drags its knuckles like a gorilla..." Edwin said.

"Jeez, bro, how do you really feel?" Derek said. "I mean it. Do you really think I'd 'bang anything that moved'?" He was officially back to the air quotes. Counting on his fingers was next. Then there would be poking.

"Was I supposed to think something different?" Edwin said. "Is this gonna be another talk about how you didn't kiss anyone till you were fifteen and how you're currently a virgin, that you and Casey were playing _Twister_ when you fell out of bed?"

Derek covered his face. "Twister?" he said. "Okay...Ed...let's stop for a second. We should try this another way, cause you calling me a—"

"Boy slut?"

"Boy slut," Derek said. "Will not get us anywhere. You're my brother, and I'm not up here talking about any of this because I want to. This? Not fun for me."

"Really? Cause it's a total picnic for me," Edwin said.

"I don't get it," Derek said. "Why are you talking to me like this? What did I do this time?"

"What are you doing right now?" Edwin said.

"Um...gee I don't know," Derek said. "Showing concern for my brother, not to mention my step-sister, why would I do something like that?"

"Trying to control your brother and stepsister is more like it," Edwin said. "You can't deal with anything going on that you didn't give the stamp of approval to."

"Who the hell says I don't approve of you two?" Derek asked. "You're perfect. I just don't want to see it go to Hell."

"She kissed me yesterday," Edwin said. "_Yesterday_. Twenty four hours. How much do you really think we could have done in that time? We've barely figured out the nose-bumping thing. We will not be having any sex any time soon. She would never, and I would never."

"You would and you know it," Derek said. "If anyone said yes to me when I was fourteen, believe me..."

"I repeat...'I. Am. Not. You.' Do I need to say that a little slower?" Edwin said.

"You're human," Derek said. "Now I know that you were listening when Dad had this talk with me. He didn't do it because he thought that I was an idiot, even though he's probably the only one, mind you. He did it because he cared. I don't know how much he's noticed about the two of you, yet, because he'd be having this talk with you instead of me. You say you're not doing anything and I believe you, but that doesn't mean that you won't."

"And when I, or we, do," Edwin said. "It will be our decision."

"I know that," Derek said. "That's the point! What, did you think it was _my_ decision or something?"

"This whole talk sounds like you're the king and one day you'll tap me on both shoulders and declare me ready," Edwin said.

"Where do you come up with this stuff?" Derek said.

"I'm gifted," Edwin said.

Part Two: Lizzie

Casey sat down next to Lizzie on the couch. And stared at her. Lizzie could feel her sister's eyes on her, and no matter how much she tried to focus on MuchMusic, all she could think was _What do you want, Casey?_

"Something you wanted to talk about, Casey?" She said

"Now that you mention it," Casey said. "Yes!" Resistance was futile.

"So," Casey began. "I've noticed that you and Edwin are getting pretty close, huh?"

"You could say that," Lizzie said.

"You're cute together," Casey said.

"Thanks?"

"The two of you always did get along really well," Casey said. "When you weren't beating him up. Or, I take it back, even when you were beating him up."

"Is this going anywhere?" Lizzie said.

"Well," Casey began. "When you get together with someone you like, you get to have certain _feelings_—"

Lizzie groaned. This was worse than Mom's talk.

It was at this time that they heard muffled yelling from upstairs. You just couldn't keep anything secret in this house.

"That wasn't Derek, was it?" Casey said, looking up at the ceiling.

"Nope, sounded like Edwin," Lizzie said.

"Hope Derek doesn't get sucked into yelling back at him,"Casey said.

"Maybe we should go up and put a stop to it," Lizzie said.

"Mayb—are you trying to distract me?" Casey said.

"No," Lizzie said. _Yes_, she thought. "Are they having the same conversation we are?"

"Uh-huh," Casey said. "Doesn't sound like it's going well, does it?"

"The two of them..."Lizzie began, smacking the knuckles of both fists together to mimic heads butting.

"How bout we move upstairs to my room so it will be easier to get in between them if we need to," Casey said.

"Fair enough," Lizzie said, shrugging. She wondered if she could get to her bedroom fast enough to lock Casey out.

Casey was too quick for her. She had Lizzie by the hand the whole way upstairs and, while Casey looked pretty delicate, she had an iron grip.

"Liz," Casey said. "This is really important, okay?"

Lizzie felt her resolve weakening. Casey was giving her the big eyes. This was a trick Lizzie often used against Casey herself, but she had no immunity to it.

"Get it over with," Lizzie said.

"Well," Casey said. "Um...the two of you, you and Edwin."

"Kissed," Lizzie said. "Repeatedly. That's it. That answer your question?"

"So far," Casey said. She leaned over, conspiratorially. "Is he a good kisser?"she whispered.

"Is Derek?" Lizzie retorted.

"Uh-huh," Casey said.

"I didn't really wanna know that," Lizzie said, holding up a hand to ward Casey off.

"You asked," Casey said.

"Rhetorical question," Lizzie said. "Meant to show the inappropriateness of your question."

"Where do you come up with this stuff?" Casey said. "Okay, so listen. We—Derek and I—got a little paranoid. We might have jumped the gun. Derek saw you come down from Edwin's room, late at night and—"

"Did he think—"Lizzie said. "I will kick his _ass_!" She got up and headed toward the attic.

Casey blocked her door. "Calm down," she said. "He did _not_ think _that_. He just got a little overprotective. Me too."

"Okay," Lizzie said. "Maybe you're—" She slipped by Casey and out the door.

"Lizzie!" Casey said.

"De-_rek_!" Lizzie said, stomping her way up the stairs.

Part Three: Derek

Edwin's door flew open.

"Ooooh," Edwin said.

"I can't bel_ieve_ you!" Lizzie yelled as she stomped her way in, Casey on her heels. "Just because _you're_ sex-crazed doesn't mean the rest of us are!"

"That's what _I_ said," Edwin told her.

"I wasn't trying to say that anyone was—"

"And we're not little kids, either," she said "Neither one of us needs protecting!"

"You're just gonna have to put up with that," Derek said. "Like it or not."

"Oh what_ever_, Derek!" Lizzie said. "Having a little respect for us wouldn't kill you, you know."

"Respect, huh?" Derek said. He wanted to give up so badly. This was just getting worse by the second.

"Lizzie," Casey broke in. "That's so not fair."

"This whole talk is unfair," Lizzie said. "I'll be the first to admit, that Edwin and I watched the two of you fight and tried to predict when you'd get together, but we never got _that_ far into your business. We knew where the line was. You _don't_."

_Do not yell at her. Do not yell at her. Do not yell at her_, Derek thought. _God how I wish I could yell._

"Lizzie," he said. "You're stuck. There is no stopping me. There is no getting rid of me. I am your big brother, and I am the big brother from Hell. I don't know how that happened, but I guess it's my job, now."

Her eyes got big and started to water. _Bullseye_, he thought. _Thank God_. He thought that he should be going in for a hug right now, but he was afraid she'd still hit him.

"And you can't pin all of this on him," Casey said. "I'm in here, too, happy to be an equally big pain in the ass, and I just wish I had someone to talk to about this stuff when I was your age. I think that we just wanted to talk to you two in an open way, so that you could trust us if you needed to talk."

"What she said," Derek said.

"Look how well that's going," Edwin said.

"We're clumsy" Casey said. "But we're trying, okay?" Derek had the familiar feeling of wanting to worship at her altar. He saw the light at the end of the tunnel and heard the strains of the Hallelujah Chorus get stronger as he went.

Then...

"So you wanna be open, huh?" Edwin said. "Exactly how many women _have_ you slept with, Derek?"

He imagined that he heard the screeching of brakes.

_Well, I asked for it_, Derek thought.

"One," he said.


	21. Chapter 21

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: The _LWD_ people would never hire a drama queen like me to write for them, and just for that I shall go throw myself onto my bed, cry, and kick stuff. That was my less than subtle way of saying I own no rights to _Life With Derek_.

Chapter Twenty-One

Part One: Derek

After he dropped the bomb, he made the perfect dramatic exit. If there was one thing Casey taught him it was that you only got so many of those, and they were not to be wasted.

He got all the way to the kitchen before he even thought to turn around. Casey was right behind him as he'd hoped she would be. He said nothing as he went to a cabinet and took out two bowls. He got a banana from the bunch on the counter. Then, he went to the refrigerator and pulled out a two liter soda bottle.

"Want?" he said. Casey shook her head, so he took a mighty gulp directly from the bottle.

"You actually asked if I wanted some first?" Casey said. "You're going soft, Venturi."

He belched in response.

"Deny it all you want," Casey said, sliding her arms around his waist from behind and whispering in his ear. "Soft."

"Says you," he said. Not the most brilliant of retorts but he tended to lose brain power when she whispered in his ear.

"Are you okay?" she said.

"Nope," he said. "Starving to death."

"And pissed off," she added.

"I'll live," he said. He turned his head to get a look at her. "You're dying to ask, aren't you?"

"Ask what?"

"Whether I was telling the truth before," he said.

"Nope," Casey said.

_Bullshit_, he thought. But he did admire her restraint. "Really?" he asked.

"I know that you wouldn't lie about something that important," she said. "It practically killed you to talk about it, though didn't it? Sometimes I think that you're the most private person in the world. I mean you don't even _kiss_ in public, that tells me that you don't take things that lightly. So I believe you."

_God, if I ever screw this up, please strike my sorry ass with lightning and send me straight to Hell. I will deserve it_, he thought.

He nodded.

And for the record, he was telling the God's Honest Truth—Casey was the first. Kendra had been the only other girl he'd even considered sleeping with—he'd done every other thing he could think of with her, but it hadn't been right and both of them had known it.

Because it was all about Casey.

He went into the freezer and pulled out a carton of cookie dough ice cream. He'd already killed the moment by standing there like a doofus, so there was nothing to do but slice the banana in half and dump some ice cream on top. He then got some crushed walnuts, whipped cream and chocolate sauce. He spent some time muttering about the lack of cherries.

"Only two bowls?" Casey asked.

"Yep," Derek said. "I'm mad at them; let em eat that rainbow sherbet with the ice crust."

Part Two: Lizzie

This felt a little like when Lizzie was four and she knocked over the lamp. She'd stood staring at the little pieces of ceramic littering the floor for half an hour, unable to believe that _she'd_ actually made that mess. She'd been too busy trying to telekinetically will the pieces back together to imagine the possibility of cleaning it up. In this case, she was staring at a dust bunny in the corner of Edwin's room near the window seat, in the hopes that it might have some advice.

She finally turned to Edwin, who was busily staring at the ceiling.

"We gotta go talk to them," Lizzie said.

"Hell with that," Edwin said.

"Edwin," she said.

"If you want to..."Edwin said.

"_You_ don't?"

"That would be a no," Edwin said.

It was pretty impossible to reason with him when he was hostile like this, so Lizzie decided that the best move was to leave him alone for a bit.

But she really wasn't in a hurry to go downstairs.

So she locked herself in her room. She sank to the carpet with her back against the door while she tried to think of how she could put the words "Sorry" and "Derek" together. She couldn't remember ever having had to do that before. It had always been her job to guilt _him_ into apologizing. This was unnatural.

_Going downstairs_, she thought. _Right now. Now. Being an idiot. I'm still sitting here. _

She growled in frustration as she hopped back up to her feet and headed off to find Casey and Derek.

She peeked into their respective bedrooms and finding nothing, she went downstairs. She finally found them in the kitchen.

Derek was busy pledging his undying love to a bowl of ice cream and Casey was watching him, throwing out the odd sarcastic comment as she picked lightly at her equally massive sundae. So neither of them saw Lizzie come in.

"Seriously, Derek," Casey said. "This is more sugar than I eat in a year."

"It's got bananas, and walnuts," Derek said. "It's good for you. Practically trail mix."

"That argument didn't even hold up when Marti tried to get out of eating your Dad's beans and escarole soup," Casey said.

"That's a special case," Derek said, his mouth full. "How Dad thinks he can get an eight year old to eat that stuff is beyond me."

"It's good, though," Casey said. "And healthy."

"I eat it," Derek defended. "Tastes okay. But it looks like vomit. Put it in front of a kid and you pay the consequences. Dontcha think, Lizzie?"

Lizzie let out a tiny, almost inaudible "eep" when Derek turned to her.

"Um," Lizzie said.

"When did you come in?" Casey asked.

"Just now," Lizzie said.

"Well, have some of this, 'cause I can't even look at it until it's diminished," Casey said. She got another bowl and scooped some of her ice cream into it. Derek put some extra whipped cream on it.

"Where's your evil step brother?" Derek asked.

"Giving me whipped cream," Lizzie said. He responded by spraying her in the face with it.

"De-_rek_!" Lizzie said, trying to fend him off. "He's upstairs. Brooding. Being all emo."

"Figured," Derek said. "So he's mad at me and doing his best to stay that way."

"Doesn't remind me of _any_one," Casey said.

"Don't help," Derek said, smirking at her.

"How mad are you?" Lizzie asked.

"Meh," he said, sticking a finger in her ice cream.

Lizzie knew better. She'd never seen Derek's face turn the shade of red that it turned when Edwin had to open his big stupid mouth and say the one thing that he knew would end the conversation.

"You're full of it," Lizzie said.

"Ice cream?" Derek asked. "Not quite yet."

"De-_rek_!" Lizzie said.

"I seem to be hearing that a lot, lately," Derek said. "Liz-_zie_!"

"Quit joking around," she said. "I'm really sorry I yelled at you."

"I'm sorry you yelled at me too," Derek said. "You got some lungs on you."

Casey and Lizzie shot him dirty looks.

"Okay, okay," he said. "I'm sorry too. Though you do realize that I would've been a royal pain in the ass with any boy you brought home, right?"

"Yeah," Lizzie said.

"So do you think I should go up there?" Derek asked.

"No," Lizzie said.

"Uh-uh," Casey said. "Baaad move."

Part Three: George

George got home late, and he groaned when he remembered that it was his turn to cook.

"Noraaaa?" he whined. He found her on the couch reading that book again. He'd have to read it next, because she'd barely put it down since the day before.

"I'm not cooking," she said, not even looking up.

"Would you kill me if I got pizza?"

"Yes," Nora said.

"What can I nuke without turning it rubbery?" George asked.

"Dunno," Nora said.

"We have lasagne," Marti said, from her spot under the table. He would've thought she'd outgrow that habit, but there she was with a book of her own.

George walked over to the table and peered underneath. "Do we have salad fixings?"

"Uh-huh," she said.

"Wanna help?" he asked.

She looked down at her book—George saw that it was _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_ (God that made him feel old), but then she marked her place with a bookmark that had a plastic cat's head on it, and crawled out.

Marti scrubbed the carrots and the cucumbers to surgical sterility while George set everything else out.

Derek stole a carrot, and Marti yelled at him, pretending to be mad while he pretended to be sorry. Casey and Lizzie trickled in and Marti warned them against taking anymore carrots.

Casey reached for one of George's cucumber slices. "Only if you want to lose that finger," he said, knife poised over the cutting board, menacingly. She pouted until he rolled his eyes and pretended to be interested in looking out the window, so she could steal a few pieces. Marti handed him an extra cucumber from the sink, certain that they'd need it. This was a game they played every time they made salad. George chopped a little faster, secure in the knowledge that Edwin was on his way to complete the circle of face stuffing teenagers.

"There's someone missing," George said, putting the knife down after a few minutes to scratch his head in puzzlement.

"Edwin's in a bad mood," Marti said.

"And why's that?" George said, looking around at the room for clues. He got shrugs and precious little eye contact.

"He's fourteen," Marti said, swiping her own cucumber slice.

He would get to the bottom of this.

The microwave dinged.

"Lasagne's ready," George said. "Somebody go get him."

Part Three: Casey

After about the third knock on his door with no answer, Casey decided that she was barging in.

"You'd better be decent 'cause I'm coming in," she said as she turned the knob. The knob turned, but the door didn't open. Doors in this house tended to stick in the summer, so Derek had taught her how to put her shoulder into it. She got it open, but it ruined her entrance.

He looked at her, eyebrows raised.

"Dinner's ready," she said. He turned his head back to the ceiling.

"It's lasagne," she said. When she got no response, she said. "Your Dad's already asking questions; do you want to make him any more suspicious than he is?"

"Did you tell him anything?" Edwin asked.

"Nope," she said. "Marti said she thinks it's 'cause you're fourteen, so your Dad isn't worried. Yet. So come on and eat."

He showed signs of willingness to move, but to hurry it along, she said: "Lasagne, Edwin. I think there's garlic bread, too. Foooooood."

She tried not to giggle as she heard his stomach rumble. Venturi men were notoriously suggestible. Derek got the crawlies if he saw other people scratch. George couldn't stand by a fountain without eventually heading to a bathroom. Edwin got up grudgingly and went downstairs with Casey following.

Part Four: Edwin

Edwin was in anger limbo. His problem really no longer had much to do with Derek and Casey and their need to play Mommy and Daddy to him and Lizzie; it had more to do with his inability to stop himself from opening his mouth and becoming the ultimate hypocrite by asking a question that he really didn't want to know the answer to. It also had to do with Edwin's certainty that Derek was lying through his teeth, even though he acknowledged (to himself at least) that it was none of his business. The anger also came from his inability to look anyone in the eye all through dinner. He passed people whatever they asked for, and gave monosyllabic answers to all questions, though he knew that he was only raising more suspicion. Why did he have to look so guilty? He was unable to even bring himself to ask for the romano cheese even though the lasagne needed it desperately.

Really, Edwin had only asked Derek about his sex life to hurt him, and that made Edwin feel worse than ever. It wasn't like Edwin didn't know that Derek, in his own bumbling way, was trying to be helpful by trying to give him the talk.

He noticed that Lizzie was getting along fine with the both of them, and she was looking at him like she was afraid he'd think she was a traitor. Mainly he was jealous of her ability to fix things that needed to be fixed. He could feel himself acting like a kid, but was very much unable to stop.

Part Five: Nora

Edwin would barely respond to questions. Nora knew not to ask yes/no questions to teenagers because they rarely elaborated on their answers, but here was their normally cheerful Edwin grunting in response to complex, open-ended questions. He was out to drive her nuts.

"So, Edwin, what are you doing tonight?" Nora tried, hating how perky-camp-counselor her voice sounded. Casey got it from somewhere.

His answer was something that sounded like "_House_ is on," but he managed to make it sound like all one word: "howzizzon." It took George's complaint that _House_ would be a rerun for Nora to translate what Edwin had said.

Lizzie shot a surprised look at Edwin at this, catching his eye quickly, but he left it at that. The kid was definitely casting a pall over the table. Derek and Casey made half-hearted attempts at conversation, mostly about Casey's weird habit of squeezing lemons business side up.

"What?" Casey said. "It's supposed to keep the seeds out."

"And _is_ it keeping the seeds out?" Derek asked.

"Not really," she said.

Normally those two could turn something as dumb as that into a two hour discussion, but it hung in the air until it flopped dead on the table. George looked as bewildered as she felt.

Finally, it was time for Casey and Derek to leave for Casey's rehearsal, and they rushed out, clearly in a hurry to leave the funereal atmosphere. Derek planted a sloppy wet kiss in the part in Marti's hair on his way out because poor Marti was showing signs of impending doom. She kept staring at Edwin, big-eyed, as if he'd burst into flames at any moment. She asked to be excused, so she could go see Dimi. On her way out, she gave Edwin the most heart-wrenching sad-owl face Nora'd ever seen, and Nora thought, _Well, if that doesn't thaw him, nothing will, and we can give him up as a lost cause_. Marti tried to give him a hug, which he allowed, finally whispering something in her ear and giving her a kiss on the cheek. _All Hail Smarti_, Nora thought. Lizzie began to clear the table without a word, but Nora cornered her, suggesting they go pick up some ice cream since they seemed to be fresh out.

"Do you know anything about this?" Nora asked, gesturing toward the house as soon as they were outside.

"About what?" Lizzie tried.

"Come on, Lizard," Nora said. "Did you two have a fight?"

"Nope," Lizzie said.

"Are you sure?" Nora said. _What a stupid thing to say,_ Nora thought, _of course she's sure. Jeez._ She was reminded of when she used to ask the girls if they were sure that they didn't have to go to the bathroom.

"Uh-huh," Lizzie said, much the same way she did when she was three.

"You know what's wrong with Edwin, Lizard," Nora said. "It seems like something important, and I think that George and I should know what it is."


	22. Chapter 22

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: At the risk of sounding redundant, I have no claim whatsoever on _Life With Derek_, or its characters or any other stuff I make reference to.

Chapter Twenty-Two

Part One: Nora

This was the wrong daughter to try to get answers out of. If she wanted guts to spill, she needed to talk to Casey. Unfortunately, she didn't have Casey in front of her at the moment. Instead, she had her lovable brick wall of a Lizzie. She walked three steps in front of the shopping cart that Nora knew she didn't really need, but grabbed out of reflex.

"Don't you trust me?" she tried.

"Don't you trust _me_?" Lizzie retorted.

"That repeating the question thing is a Derek move," Nora said. "And it doesn't work on me when _he_ does it either, so why don't you just tell me what's going on, since it clearly affects all of us."

Lizzie seemed to plan her next move carefully. She paused, and looked at the display of sugar cones before she spoke again.

"Mom," she said. "I can't talk about this because it's not my place to talk about it. And it's not one of those things that you have to tell parents about because someone's in danger, 'cause no one's in danger. So can we please not talk about it?"

"How do I know no one's in danger?" Nora said.

"Way to trust me, Mom," Lizzie said.

"Honey, of course I trust you," Nora said. _I just need to know every move you make and every move you plan to make in the foreseeable future so you don't make the wrong decision is all_, she thought. _Nothing wrong with that_.

"Uh huh," Lizzie said. "I can feel the trust in the room." The AC in the store was up too high as usual and Lizzie pulled her arms inside the sleeves of her t-shirt, which, on closer inspection, looked like Edwin's t-shirt. Lizzie didn't strike Nora as a fan of the X-Men.

"Is that Edwin's?" Nora asked.

"Listen, Mom," Lizzie said. "I _am_ trustworthy. That's why I can't go around talking about this. Please stop asking me to break somebody else's trust."

Nora didn't know when it was that Lizzie harnessed the power of guilt, but it was clear that she had.

Part Two: George

"I like this show," George said. Edwin continued to stare directly at the screen the way he had for the past hour or so, and _House, M.D_ had given way to _Law and Order S.V.U_. Ice T had just finished yelling at Red Herring Suspect #1 and the commercials started up. George hit the mute button on the remote.

"Spill, Edwin," he said.

"Don't wanna talk about it," Edwin said.

"Ah, but you will," George said. He didn't go through law school for nothing.

"You and Lizzie had a fight," George said.

"Nope."

"No trouble in paradise?"

"Nope."

"Still in the honeymoon stage, then," George said. Edwin finally looked at him with something like shock on his face.

"Ah haaaaa," George said, pleased with himself. Edwin was too trusting. Derek never fell for that type of thing.

"So if it wasn't a fight with Lizzie," George began. "Then the only other person who could have pissed you off enough would have to beeeee..." he let it hang for a second so Edwin could fill in the blank, but he didn't. "Derek," George finished.

Edwin said nothing.

"So what was it about?" George asked.

"..."

"Was it about you and Lizzie?" George asked. Edwin's expression turned just a smidge stonier, and that was all the tell that George needed.

"So what about you and Lizzie?" George asked. "Derek not approve?" That was highly unlikely, but the thing to do right now was to annoy the kid by stating the obvious. He got a raised eyebrow for his efforts.

"No, I guess that's not it, huh?" George said.

"I'm not exactly looking for Derek's approval," Edwin said.

_Yeah, you are_, George thought. "So then he's been giving you two a hard time?"

Edwin snorted. "When is Derek _not_ giving me a hard time?"

"Good point," George said, hoping for a smile and getting none. "Has he been giving you a hard time about _this_?"

"No," Edwin said breaking eye contact.

"So," George said. "What you said about not wanting Derek's approval was just a general thing then?"

"You could say that," Edwin said.

"So is this an existential sibling crisis you two are having?" George asked.

"Are you making fun of me?" Edwin asked.

"Nope, just trying to figure it out," George said. "You can't expect me not to wonder why one of my sons suddenly turned into Angsty Angsterson and why my other one looks like he's the one who did it. Then there's the baby who looked ready to cry at any moment..."(At this Edwin looked guiltier than he had all night) "...I, as a father, need to know why all this is going on."

"I'm sorry," Edwin said. "It won't happen again."

George laughed. "Are you kidding?" he asked. "Of course it'll happen again. Are you new here? All I ask is that you work it out. Brooding only leads to parental cross examination."

"I'll keep that in mind," Edwin said.

"So you still don't wanna tell me exactly what it was all about?" George asked.

"No," Edwin said.

George sighed. He'd get the story out of him eventually.

"You know where I am if you want to talk," he said.

Part Three: Derek

So far, he'd sat through three run-throughs of the same damn song: "Skid Row (Downtown) " and he was no longer even pretending to pay attention. He glanced at the camera on its tripod every so often to make sure that it was still running. He tried to doodle, but he couldn't focus.

It had been such a colossal mistake to leave the house without talking to Edwin. Even if the kid popped him one, (Derek knew he'd probably had a good punch coming for the last three years), that would've been _something_. It was the nothing that he couldn't stand. He was afraid that Edwin would pull the "I have no brother" routine, and that would kill him.

He distantly heard the words "Twenty minute break," and that was his cue to shut the camera off, check the battery, and possibly switch memory cards. As he fiddled with the camera, he felt two cool hands begin to rub his shoulders. He leaned back and accepted a quick peck on the mouth.

"Poor sad puppy face," Casey whispered in his ear. He smiled quickly, but went right back to being depressed.

"Come on, Der Bear," Casey said, grinning at the dirty look Derek gave her. "You're not gonna believe me now, but mark my words, things'll be better when we get home."

"How?" Derek asked.

"I dunno," Casey said. "But it will."

"Should not have left the house," Derek said.

"Trust me," Casey said. "Edwin needed to cool off. Giving him that time was the best move you could've made."

"I guess it'll have to be," Derek said.

"In the meantime," Casey said. "Would you come backstage for a sec? I need your opinion on something."

"'Kay,"he said, following her down the aisle and up the steps leading to the stage. He wondered what she was going to ask about. He hoped it wasn't a costume issue; he hated that type of thing.

When they got to the ugly deserted cinderblock dungeon that they called "backstage," he asked, "So what was it you wanted to—"

She kissed his ear and trailed a few kisses down his neck. _God, I'm an idiot_, he thought.

"Thanks for trying to cheer me up, but—mmmph—" he said as she finally worked her way to his mouth.

She pulled away and as she did so, put two fingers across his lips.

"Stop worrying," she said. "I mean it. Now cheer up, or else."

"Yes, ma'am," he said.

Part Four: Emily

She was running out of excuses to keep people out of the dungeon.

"No seriously," she said. "Casey saw a squirrel running across the pipes overhead, and it's just not safe to go in there right now."

"I need to get a dollar bill for the soda machine and I'm pretty sure there's one in my jacket pocket, so I doubt that Mr. Squirrel would mind," Chris said.

Emily reached into her own pocket and gave him some change. "Here," she said. "It's just too unsafe to go in there."

"I saw Derek and Casey go in there," Chris said. "You did, too, didn't you Shel?"

"Huh?" Sheldon said. "I wasn't really paying attention."

"They're in there chasing the squirrel back out the window," Emily said, shooting Sheldon a meaningful ask-no-questions-look.

"Whoa," Sheldon said. "_Derek_'s in there with a _ro_dent? Derek Venturi?"

Why Sheldon had to pick this moment to be slow on the uptake was beyond Emily.

"Nah," Chris said. "I think 'chasing the squirrel' is code for hanky panky."

"Oohhhh," Sheldon said. "Why didn't you just say so?"

Emily throttled an imaginary neck. Sheldon finally took the hint.

"Okay, okay," Sheldon said. "Squirrel Invasion, stay outta the dungeon, gotcha. I think there might be a squirrel problem in my car come to think of it."

"Your furry critter is your own problem," Emily said.

"He heee," Chris said. He put on a southern accent. "See what she did there? I think y'all were talking bout something else."

Sheldon groaned.

"All this sexual tension floating around and none for me," Chris said, beginning to walk away. "I need a boyfriend."

Part Four: Casey

When they got back to rehearsal, Derek was decidedly more relaxed. He wasn't as relaxed as he could be, she thought, since she kept things PG-13, but he was clearly feeling a little better. He even seemed a little more optimistic. He looked like he might even have been paying attention during the second half of the rehearsal.

But all too soon, it was time to go home, and Derek's good mood went right out the window. Casey decided that it was her turn to drive home. He didn't argue. In his current state, he might drive into a tree, he said.

They pulled into the driveway at long last, and he turned to her with his big eyes.

"I am going to blow this," he said.

"Don't be an idiot," she said. She gave him a long kiss before she turned off the engine and he went into the house ahead of her. She hoped that Edwin would talk to him.


	23. Chapter 23

And The Winner Is...

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure I'd make more money if I had the rights to Life With Derek. My lack of funds makes it clear that I do not own said rights.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Part One: Edwin

Both Lizzie and Edwin had gotten the third degree that night, and at the first opportunity, they compared notes in the games closet.

"You spilled your guts, didn't you?" Lizzie asked.

"Do you have any faith in me?" Edwin asked. Lizzie's eyebrow quirked up.

"Was that a rhetorical question?"she asked. There was a pause.

"Okay, okay," Edwin said. "Maybe I told Dad a little. He has this power over me. He went all _My Cousin Vinny,_ and I can't think straight enough to lie when he does that!"

"So," Lizzie said. "What'd you tell him?"

"Not that much," Edwin said. "But he knew about us already." He pointed back and forth between them for emphasis.

"That was inevitable," Lizzie said.

"You _are_ wearing my shirt," Edwin said.

"You wore Casey's sweatshirt once," Lizzie said.

"All the same, I think our days in this closet are numbered," Edwin said. "That's kinda sad."

"Why?" Lizzie asked. "It's not like we can really move around enough in here to do anything much without having boxes rain down on our heads. And that would just alert everyone to what we were up to."

"But I doubt that the 'rents know that," Edwin said.

"You still haven't told me what you told your Dad," Lizzie said.

"I really didn't say too much," Edwin said. "He just seemed to read things into everything I did say. He knows I was pissed at Derek, just not why. But, being Dad, he'll figure it out."

"Drives you nuts, doesn't it?" Lizzie said.

"Soo nuts," Edwin agreed.

"It's your own fault, though," Lizzie said. "If you could learn to be cool, none of this type of thing would happen. But you're too easy to read, just like Derek."

Edwin snorted. "I am _nothing_ like Derek."

"You keep telling yourself that, Edwin," Lizzie said. "Are you gonna start brooding again now that I said that?"

She really did read his mind sometimes.

"No," he said unconvincingly. She smiled. She was about ten seconds away from laughing.

"Okay, so that 'just like Derek' thing bugs me," he said. "Everything I do, he did first, and probably better. If I could come up with something that he doesn't do, then I'll be okay, but—"

"You do _way_ better than him at school," Lizzie said.

"Not anymore," Edwin said. "Someone _had_ to go and tell him that he's smart."

"Piano?"

"He lost interest in it."

"What does that mean?" Lizzie asked. "_You_ stuck to it, so you're better at it. Plus you do voices and stuff. And you write stories. Do you really want me to stand here and stroke your ego all night?"

"Yes," Edwin said.

Lizzie rolled her eyes. She walked right into that one.

"Good night, Edwin,"she said. "I will expect a little less in the way of drama tomorrow."

"And," she continued, after pecking him on the cheek. "We have to shoot some footage to make up for what we missed tonight."

"Yes, dear," he said, pulling her back for a proper kiss.

"What is this on-the-cheek stuff?" he said. She shrugged.

"They're gonna be home soon, you know," she said. "Are you cooled off yet?"

"Yeah," he said. "Hope _he_ is. Wish me luck."

"Luck." She left the closet for her room. He pulled the chain to shut off the light. Then he spent a good twenty minutes pacing, running through the different apologetic things he could say, discarding all of them and heading to Derek's room to wait for him.

He stood in the middle of his brother's room suddenly completely uncomfortable in there. He didn't feel allowed to touch anything. He probably _wasn't_ allowed to touch anything, but that never stopped him before.

When Derek came home, he walked right past his open door to Edwin's stairs. When Edwin heard Derek creaking down the attic stairs, he stepped out into the hall.

"There you are," Derek whispered.

"Why are you whispering?" Edwin asked.

"Smarti's in bed, and probably Lizzie," Derek whispered.

"Have you ever known Marti to wake up that easily?" Edwin asked. "If she's asleep. She _could_ be reading with a flashlight. And Lizzie just now went to her room, so she's not asleep."

"Okay, makes sense," Derek said. He led Edwin back into his room.

"So I should have done this earlier," Derek began. "I was just all convinced that I was doing the right thing for once, and as unpleasant as it was, I had to do it, and I shouldn't have and you were right to be mad, and—"

"I'm sorry," Edwin said interrupting Derek's monologue.

"I know, I know that's what comes next," Derek said. "No need to prompt me. I'm sorry, Edwin. Okay? I said it."

"Derek," Edwin said, trying to pull him back to Earth. "_I'm_ sorry. Is what I meant. I wasn't feeding you lines. "

"Oh," Derek said. "Okay. Me too, though."

"Should not have asked you...what I asked you," Edwin said.

"I probably would have asked you the same thing if I were you," Derek said. "Did that make sense?"

"I think," Edwin said.

"So in light of that," Derek said. "I want you to know that I will be honest with you. So you can ask me anything."

"That's okay," Edwin said.

"You don't wanna know anything?"

"No," Edwin said.

"Okay," Derek said.

"So is this a family moment?" Edwin said.

"No," Derek said.

Edwin held his arms out until Derek allowed a one-armed hug.

Part Two: Casey

"How'd it go?" Casey said when Derek appeared in the kitchen.

"I am so hungry," Derek said, sticking his head into the fridge.

"That well?" Casey asked.

"Yep," Derek said. He raised his head out of the depths to smile at her. He closed the refrigerator door.

"Thought you were hungry," Casey said.

Derek laughed. "I am," he said, coming over to the island she was leaning on. He put his arms around her and went for her neck.

"Dork," Casey said lifting his t-shirt to press her soda can against his side.

"Ohhh," he said. "You? Will. Pay." He began to chase her around the kitchen. She let him catch her after about a minute.

He went for every tickle spot he knew and she had to clap a hand over her mouth so that she didn't wake the neighborhood.

"Give up?" he asked. She shook her head. He went for the spot under her arm and she squealed through her clamped shut lips. They tumbled to the floor as quietly as they could but Casey was sure that the police would be called. They froze for a second and waited for an angry George or Mom to come into the kitchen to investigate. When no one came, Derek started laughing again. It was contagious. But then he started to tickle again.

"Okay, okay!" she wheezed.

"Thought so," he said. "And _you_ call _me_ whipped."

She trailed her fingernails up the back of his neck and into his hair. His eyes rolled back as he leaned his head into her hand. All that was missing was a purr.

"Yes," Casey said. " I do. 'Cause you're whipped."

He said something muffled into her collarbone.

"Wuzzat?" Casey said. Derek nuzzled himself into her hair and repeated himself. "Use vowels."

"I said 'you are, too,'" Derek said, when he came up for air and saw her puzzled expression.

"Maybe a little," she said.

Part Three: Derek

The next day.

"I got nothing" Derek said. He was sitting at his computer trying to edit footage.

"Wait," Casey said. She was sitting next to him and looking over his shoulder. Backseat editing, Derek called it. "What about that shot of Chris?"

Derek had captured Chris, with his huge blue eyes and all those teeth, grabbing Casey and spinning her. She was squealing. Looked perfect for the cutting room floor.

"It's out of focus," he said.

"No it isn't," she said.

"Weird angle," Derek said. "And it's all jumpy."

Casey had to admit that it was a bad angle, so she let that one go. Derek stopped on a shot of Sheldon stage-slapping Casey and trying his damnedest to look menacing and only pulling off a myopic squint before both of them broke into giggles. Casey hit him with a rolled up script. Jack told them to do it again, and there's Sheldon, yelling at her and this time the fake slap looked less like he was clapping his hands in front of her face (which was, more or less, what he was doing) and more like a slap.

"You have to put that in," Casey said.

"This is true," he said. He kept that one.

"Sheldon doesn't have a script," Derek observed.

"Yeah," Casey said. "He's got it down already. Way to make the rest of us look bad."

"But last night was the _second day_ of rehearsal," Derek said.

"Yep," Casey said. "I know. Thank God everyone else had scripts."

He found another keeper. Emily, Debra, and Brianna dancing through "Skid Row (Downtown)." The three of them were for the most part, working out their own choreography. Casey could be heard making suggestions off camera because she just couldn't stop herself.

"Don't put that in," Casey said. "Sounds like I'm harping."

He pretended to take it out. Then he ran into more shots of Chris that Casey wouldn't let him take out. He guessed that he couldn't have a doc on the making of _Little Shop of Horrors_ without a Seymour, so he had to leave a couple shots in. If only the kid weren't so damn photogenic. And tall.

The kid put Derek into a bad mood. Not that he was jealous, because he didn't do jealousy, but Chris was a showoff. Shirts with sleeves were apparently too fancy for him; he preferred wifebeaters. And Chris had this annoying habit of lifting up the hem of said wifebeater to wipe the sweat off of his face, exposing abs that Derek would never have. Not that he did jealousy, mind you; he was just sick of the indecent exposure, the exhibitionism of it all.

If Derek did jealousy, it would Chris's big, perfectly in tune voice that came through perfectly on video that would set him off. But he didn't do jealousy.

Because if he did jealousy, the knowledge that Chris and Casey had an upcoming kissing scene to rehearse would send him right over the edge.


	24. Chapter 24

And the Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I have no claim on _Life with Derek_ or its characters. No infringement of any sort is intended here.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Part One: Casey.

This was juicy, so incredibly juicy, but she had to keep her mouth shut. She could keep a secret when it was really important; after all, she never told anyone about the flavor of the week girl that had hit on _her_ while Derek was in the bathroom. Nor had she spilled the beans on the fact that she had had to remind not one but _both _parents about their anniversary last year. So she could do this.

She'd be okay as long as she didn't tell Emily, because if she did, she may as well take out an ad in the _London Chronicle_.

"Promise," Edwin had demanded. Okay, well, not so much demanded as implored with those big sad eyes he had. Lizzie must have been giving him lessons in Casey-manipulation because he was so good at it suddenly.

"Okay! Okay, I promise!" Casey said, shielding her eyes from his. "No more puppy face!"

"But, why am I keeping this a secret exactly?" she asked. "This seems like the kind of thing you'd want to show off a little?"

A few minutes before, Casey had wandered into Edwin's room to ask him if he had Derek's new _Rolling Stone_ because she hadn't read it yet, and she had stumbled on Edwin and Lizzie staring intently at his computer, in almost the same posture she'd just left Derek in. She'd thought, _Oh my gosh they're searching for porn! _But then she heard familiar voices issuing from the speakers and she realized that they were just editing video, just like Derek was doing.

Edwin minimized the window he'd had open real quick so that she couldn't see more.

"Whatcha workin on?" Casey sing-songed, grinning and trying to get to the mouse.

"Nothing," Edwin said, blocking the monitor.

"That didn't look like nothing," Casey said. "Lemme see."

"Casey," Lizzie said. "_Noooo_!" Lizzie was bringing out the big guns already. Unleashing the almighty power of her _noooo_ so soon meant that it had to be important.

"What's the big deal?" Casey asked. "You're making a video. That's a good thing, isn't it? Unless you managed to get something incriminating. You didn't, did you?"

"No," Edwin said. He got the _Rolling Stone_ out from his desk drawer and handed it to Casey. "Now, if you don't mind..."

"Nuh-uh," Casey said. "Now you gotta show me."

"Says who?"

"Says me," Casey said. "How do you expect me to keep a secret when I don't know what kind of secret I'm keeping?" That made very little sense, but she waited to see if they bought it anyway.

"You already know too much," Edwin said.

"In for a penny, in for a pound, right?" Casey said.

"Isn't Derek going to wonder where you are?" Lizzie asked.

"Nah," Casey said. "He's got his own nose pressed up against his own screen. Don't think he's noticed I left yet."

"We can't risk that," Lizzie said.

"Come on," Casey said.

"The less you know, the less likely you are to let something slip," Edwin said.

"And the more likely I am to imagine the worst," Casey said. "You of all people should know that. Now what's your movie about?"

Part Two: Emily

Emily's timing was getting better. Tonight, she managed to show up at the copy place a couple minutes before Sheldon's shift ended. Sheldon's Uncle David winked at her before bellowing to Sheldon that he had company.

"And she comes bearing coffee!" David said to the store at large. "How my nephew managed to land you, I'll never figure out."

"Well, go punch out already, boy," he continued. "I don't pay you to stare at your girl. I don't make that kinda money." Sheldon grinned and disappeared into the back.

"Don't pick on the boy," said Sheldon's Aunt Ruthie. "He's a good-looking kid." She winked at Emily. Stuff like this was fast becoming part of their routine.

"Yeah," David said. "That's his mother's side of the family. He got my brains though."

"In a jar?"Ruthie said.

"Marked 'Abnormal'?" Emily said.

"We are believers in truth in advertising," David said. "Like when my sister, Shel's Aunt Sandra, got her ears done, got her hair straightened and dyed blond, I warned her that she wasn't fooling anyone, but she did it anyway, and what do you think?"

Emily shrugged.

"All three of her kids look like Monchhichis" He said. "The Schlepper ears almost always turn up. Sheldon got lucky there, but be careful. _Your_ kids could end up with these." He pushed his own ears out and pretended to waggle them.

Emily laughed. It occurred to her, not for the first time, that Sheldon's flair for the inappropriate was a family trait as well.

"You're being premature, babe," Ruthie said. "They're not having kids for a long, long time. Right Em?"

"As if I could trick her into marrying _my_ silly ass," Sheldon piped up as he emerged from the back.

"Not at sixteen," Emily said.

"Guess I'll just have to practice for the next few years," Sheldon said, leaning over the counter to give her a kiss. He raised the counter top and slid out. He took the iced cappuccino Emily held out and took a couple of grateful swigs. Emily got sympathy brainfreeze, but Sheldon seemed completely unaffected.

"Have fun," Ruthie said.

"Don't do anything I wouldn't do," Sheldon answered.

"See ya tomorrow," Emily said, dragging Sheldon away.

"Sorry," Sheldon said, pointing vaguely toward the store. "They're being more embarrassing than usual." Emily stifled a grin.

"So I have an idea for the "Dentist" song" Emily said. "Wanna run it by Jack tonight. Lemme know what you think." She chattered away as they walked to where Sheldon had parked his brother's car that morning.

Sheldon pulled a flyer out from under the windshield wiper. "Discount on coffee," he said. "Who knew?" He opened her door. "So you want me to do _what_ tonight?"

"Seriously," Emily said after Sheldon climbed into the driver's seat. "It'll be so cool. Do you trust me?"

"I trust _you_," Sheldon said. "Just dunno how _I'd_ pull that off."

"Repeat after me: I am a sexy, sexy beast," Emily said.

"Sexy beast," Sheldon said, pulling out of his space. "That's me."

Part Three: Derek.

Casey and Emily in their infinite wisdom, decided that it would be a good idea to carpool to rehearsals. This meant that Sheldon would be driving tonight and Emily would have the windows open all the way. Casey braided her hair in preparation. Derek went looking for his Dad's Blue Jays hat. He couldn't find it.

Sheldon was formal. Where Derek would have honked the horn, Sheldon came up and rang their bell, and when Lizzie let him and Emily in, Derek almost expected to see a corsage.

Nora loved Sheldon. She kept trying to feed him, and he kept politely trying to sidestep her, but never seemed to get away without some cake or something wrapped up in plastic. Nora did this for everybody, but Sheldon seemed to bring out her maternal instincts more than most.

"And here's Emily's," Nora said. Casey handed Emily a paper bag to put both servings into for later. The cake turned out pretty good this time.

"Thanks," Sheldon said. "But you really don't have to."

If Sheldon kept up with these _manners_, he'd raise Nora's expectations and she would start to expect _everyone_ to have them.

"No worries," Derek said. "_Casey_ made it this time."

Nora tried to nail Derek in the face with the frosting on the spatula she used to serve the cake, but he was too fast for her.

"Where on Earth is this violence coming from, Nora?" Derek said.

"What can I say?" Nora began. "You inspire me."

"I get that a lot," Derek said. Casey cupped the side of his face, then gave it a push.

"Stop inciting your stepmother to violence, Derek," his Dad said on his way through the kitchen. He carried a platter from the table.

"Either of you kids want some chicken?" he said. "Don't worry, _I _didn't make it this time."

"No giving away my leftovers," Edwin said, right behind Dad.

"_Your_ leftovers?" Derek said. "Keep dreaming."

"So much for the power of positive thinking," Edwin said. "How ya doin?" he said to Sheldon and Emily on his way to the sink.

"You guys are spoiling my boyfriend," Emily said as they headed back to the car. "He never gets cake at _my_ house."

"Her dad does like to practice his golf swing around me, though," Sheldon said.

"Target practice?" Derek asked.

"You know it," Sheldon said.

_Must be getting serious_, Derek thought.

Marti was in the driveway with a jumprope. She was trying to do tricks and, so far, getting more tangled in the rope than anything. She saw Derek coming and pretended to tangle herself up worse.

"Meow," she said, batting at the plastic piece at one end of the rope. Derek scratched her head.

"Hey SchleppieandEmily," Marti said as they passed.

Sheldon saluted her on the way to the car. She saluted back.

That was the final sign of friend adoption. If one of Derek's or Casey's friends (or Edwin's or Lizzie's friends for that matter) had a thing that they did with Marti, said friend was officially in for life. Max never bonded with Marti, that had been the sign that his days were numbered. She didn't hate him, but she didn't like him either. Kendra hadn't bonded with her either, now that Derek thought about it. Sam ruffled her hair, or she ruffled his (sometimes she had to remove a hat to do so). Ralph flashed her the rock and roll sign. Emily had a secret handshake. And now Sheldon and Marti saluted. Weird, but cool, Derek decided.

What was _not_ cool was Mr. Taller and Blonder than Thou greeting everyone in the parking lot of the community center. Derek, deciding to try the high road for a change, made himself shake Chris's hand. He was pulled into a tight hug for his trouble. Now he got to spend the rest of the night marked with another man's cologne. Damn stupid high road. _And now there he goes squishing Casey again, and I don't do jealousy but nobody squishes Casey but me_, Derek thought. _High road, high road, high road._ In spite of himself, he got between Chris and Casey and put an arm around her, something that he could never stand to look at when other people did it.

"So I hear that a couple of the Audrey Two puppets are in," Chris said, after they got inside. "I can't wait to see em. Betcha can't wait to get them on film, huh, Derek?"

Derek looked up from setting up the camera and grunted, since some sort of answer was called for.

"Dibs on the first picture with it," Casey said. "I _must_ have a shot with just my legs sticking out of its mouth."

"I'd have to get a copy of that," Chris said.

_I just bet you would_, Derek thought. _High road_, he thought. _Outward hostility would piss-off Casey, and if I must do that, I'd rather it be the fun way. _He just hoped no one saw him shooting daggers at the kid.

"I think I just wanna do the basic Supremes shot with Bree, Melissa and me in the sequined dresses," Emily said. "When we get them. And I want one of Shel in his li'l dentist whites and a power drill."

Derek laughed. "Not a chainsaw?"

"No," Sheldon deadpanned. "We talked it over and decided that that would be over the top."

"We wouldn't want that," Chris said.

"No," Sheldon agreed. "I like to keep things low-key."

"Subtle," Emily added.

"Like a jackhammer," Derek said.

"A jackhammer!" Sheldon said, smacking his forehead. "Why didn't we think of that, Em?"

"Hard to get one on short notice," Emily said.

"Are you getting all of this?" Casey said.

"Duh," Derek said.

Part Four: Edwin.

Once again, Edwin situated himself inside the big armoire with the false back. When he heard voices from behind him, he turned with some difficulty and swiveled his camera toward the approaching kids. He got a quick shot of Lizzie, sitting on the floor, partially hidden by the curtain.

"Nah, Davey, I really mean it," Chris said as he approached the stage and passed the spot where Lizzie was hiding. Edwin could practically feel her shaking. Sometimes she really did worry too much.

"That kid is a tiger," Chris continued. "He looks all buttoned up, but you mark my words."

"Kid's a nerd," David said. "A sweet, whipped on his chick, nerd."

Edwin stifled a laugh. He loved stuff like this.

"You say that like it's a bad thing," Chris teased.

"Not at all," David said. "I _love_ nerds. Horn rimmed glasses. Weezer makes me hot. Nothing wrong with nerdhood. But let's be honest: Sheldon Schlepper has no tiger in him."

"His girlfriend, however..." David continued.

"Raowrr," Chris said.

"Casey's got some of that in her, too," David said.

"Yeah," Chris said. "Get her away from that boyfriend and she'd be so great to hang out with."

"I take it you're not a Derek fan?" David said. Edwin perked up and moved into a more comfortable position.

"Kid seem a little homophobic to you?" Chris said. "All week I've had the feeling that he's got a baseball bat with my name on it."

_Hey_, Edwin thought, indignantly. His older brother had an asshole streak a mile wide, but one could not grow up in their house, raised by their liberal father, and show racism or homophobia of any kind. The worst Derek could work up was a mild chauvinism, and that was only to piss off the women in the house.

"Homophobic?" David said. "I didn't get that vibe. He had no problem with _me_ anyway."

"So what's his problem then?" Chris wondered. "He's lucky I don't do bitchy."

"No, not you," David said, grinning.

Edwin and Lizzie spent a good hour bursting with that information until the director called break and Casey passed them on her way to the ladies room in the back. Edwin grabbed her arm and pulled her into the big wardrobe.


	25. Chapter 25

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I have no claim on anything to do with _Life with Derek _or_ Little Shop of Horrors..._or_ The Princess Bride_. No infringement of any sort is intended.

A/N: I realize that I've neglected warning people about this before, but there will be some language, and maybe an adult theme or two.

Chapter Twenty-five.

Part One: Casey.

"What is it with you two and closets?" Casey asked. It was really musty in there, and she wanted to sneeze. She put her hand over her nose and mouth in preparation, but nothing happened.

"It's not that bad," Edwin said. "I'm used to it.

"But that's not important," he continued. "Look at this."

Casey watched a good five to ten minutes of bitchy gossip, giggling in all the right places until...

"Homophobic?" Casey said. Was that why Derek seemed to have such a problem with Chris?

Then she heard David say "I didn't get that vibe. He had no problem with _me_ anyway."

There _was_ that. Derek got along great with David.

The other day, David turned to Derek, looked him up and down and said "If only you weren't so obviously straight...you'd be the type of boy I'd take home to Mama."

"What's your Mom look like?" Derek had answered. "Cause if she's hot, I really wouldn't complain." Casey hit him.

"She is kinda hot, actually, but your wife wouldn't like it," David said.

"Nope," Casey said. "I really wouldn't."

"Don't worry," David said. "I'm not hitting on your man, cute as he is."

"He thinks I'm cute," Derek said, grinning.

"Don't let it go to your head," Casey said.

So okay, it wasn't homophobia. The thing was, that she really didn't have time to dwell on it because "Suddenly Seymour" was coming up tonight, and she needed to figure out how she and Chris were going to do the kissing scene without laughing. She'd thought she'd have another week at least before she had to deal with it, but since opening night was in a little under three weeks...

"I'll figure out what the weirdness is later," she said.

"So you noticed it, too?" Edwin said.

"Oh yeah," Casey said. "I figured it was just because Chris is a hugger. Derek held out a hand to shake and got hugged. You know how he hates that."

"Didn't think it was anything else?" Lizzie said.

"No," Casey said. "What else?"

"If Chris weren't gay, I would've said Derek was jealous," Lizzie said.

"Yeah, but he _is_ gay," Casey said. "And he's been pretty open about it."

"True," Lizzie said. "So I got nothing."

They heard a voice say "I thought she went in here, but I don't see her."

"Ohmygosh," Casey whispered. "Sheldon!" She tried to squeeze deeper into the cabinet, but Edwin's elbows stopped her.

"Ow!" Casey whispered.

"Oof" Edwin whispered.

Then Sheldon poked his head in. "It's only me, Case," he said. "Hey Ed, Lizzie."

"Hey," they both said.

"So," Sheldon continued. "People are wondering where you went, and by people I mean Derek. Plus break's about to end."

"Um," Casey said. "Okay." She climbed out of the wardrobe and took a deep, mildew free breath.

"You knew about them?" Casey asked.

"Who do ya think let them in?" Sheldon said. "Jack told them about the wardrobe."

"Who else knows?"

"Me, Jack, you..." Sheldon said "That's about it."

"Not Em?" Casey said.

"I love her," Sheldon said, "But you know she can't keep a secret."

"And you can?" Casey said.

"Hellooo," Sheldon said.

They walked toward the stage door, and right before Casey reached to open it, she stopped and Sheldon bumped into her.

"Shel?"

"Sorry bout that," he said.

"No actually, I wanna ask you something," she said. "You seem to be a pretty observant guy."

"When I'm not bumping into people."

"So then have you noticed that Derek's been acting funny?"

"As opposed to what?" Sheldon said. When Casey didn't laugh, he said. "Dunno, I'll keep an eye out."

Part Two: Derek.

It was all too _big_. Derek had heard that you were supposed to exaggerate things for the theater, play to the back row and all that, but this was ridiculous. Casey's accent was like Edith Bunker on crack. She'd had a pretty good one for the audition; he wondered what happened to that.

Also, she'd bought these super high heels for the costume, and she was trying to break them in. So there she was, mincing around in these leopard print and lucite drag queen shoes and her rolled up jeans. It kind of reminded him of Smarti playing dress-up. She needed a hat, though. And some beads. Maybe some Elton John glasses.

Chris already had these black Weezer glasses that might or might not have been prescription. They had glass in them, anyway. He put them on a little crookedly, so they hung askew, and sometimes let them slide down his nose.

Then there were Melissa, Brianna and Emily with their own sets of high heels clickety clacking on the wood floors. They were trying to synchronize their movements so that they all clickety clacked at the same time. They weren't there yet, but again he was reminded of Smarti, and even a little of Lizzie and her first pair of heels. The noise had driven them all crazy last Easter.

Mr. Castellucio, as Mushnik, was actually okay. His accent was the one that Casey needed to copy. Plus, he wasn't shy about cuffing Chris with a rolled up newspaper. Repeatedly. Derek thought that that would be his favorite part of the show so far.

Until.

The Dentist Song: Sheldon, Emily, Melissa, and Brianna, and all of them being as filthy as they possibly could. Sheldon, at one point, grabbed Emily, pulled her close, looked down her tank top and said something about "open up," and "say ahhh." Derek thanked Almighty God for the invention of the camcorder.

Needless to say they got a standing ovation from everyone there that night. Then, when Jack was done wiping the sweat off his face, he said "That...was so damn cool! I just hope we don't get arrested."

"Hope you're not planning a career in politics," Derek called out.

"Two words," Sheldon said. "Pirate costume."

Derek opened his mouth, then closed it again. He did a little "curses, foiled again" gesture, shaking a fist in the air.

"Pirate costume?" Chris said. "Were you the Dread Pirate Derek?"

"Yeah," Derek said. "That's what I was. That was it exactly." He was trying not to take the bait. He was pretty sure that Casey would put up with a certain amount of bullshit from him, but probably wouldn't take kindly to a display of jealousy or aggression. Even though he really really wanted to display some of both.

"Was there a swordfight?" Chris asked.

Casey cleared her throat.

Jack piped up. "Moving right along," he said. "I do believe that Miss Casey is impatient for her solo to begin."

"Maybe a little," Casey said.

Part Three: Sheldon

_That was my fault_, Sheldon thought. He really should have known that no good could come from a comment like that.

To the uninformed observer, it might have looked innocent, but Sheldon was not an uninformed observer. Derek was grinding his teeth a little; Chris was smiling too much. He could practically hear growling. The question was: what exactly caused the bugs to crawl up their respective butts.

He got shooed off the stage, so he sat on the floor in front of it, trying his damnedest to look casual. Emily was leaning on him, but he promised Casey he'd help her out, so he couldn't even enjoy Emily's chin on his shoulder and all of that hair up against his cheek. He reached for her hand, so she wouldn't notice anything amiss, but he couldn't tell her anything yet. Not that he knew anything yet.

"Suddenly Seymour" started up. Emily turned around and leaned against Sheldon's back so she could see the stage. He could both feel and picture her settling in the way she did in front of the TV. The popcorn was missing, but the rapt expression had to be there. Jack had his chin in both hands and his elbows resting on the seat in front of him. There was a cluster of people gathered at the lip of the stage looking straight up, another small group off to the left of where Sheldon and Emily were sitting. Sheldon took all of this in, but also took in the sight of Derek, the camera pointed at the stage, but Derek himself staring at a wall. He might have been doing times tables in his head, anything not to look at the actual stage.

Meanwhile Sheldon twisted around a little to see what was going on for himself. Chris was on his knees in front of Casey and had her chin in his hand, his eyes glued to her, another hand buried in her hair.

_Ca-ching_, Sheldon thought. _They really do make it look good, don't they? _

Then he thought, _you've gotta be kidding me_. He pretended his legs were falling asleep so he could shift position. He also slung an arm around Emily—He didn't see much need for _total_ sacrifice. Then he looked from the stage to Derek and back.

_You've gotta be kidding me_, he thought. _Do you have no gaydar at all, Derek? Dude grabbed __my__ ass, for God's sake. On one hand, this is way better blackmail than any pirate costume, or guyliner, but on the other hand the poor schmuck looks really depressed and insecure and if anyone knows what that looks like, it's me. I'm supposed to be reporting back to Casey, but I think that Derek needs to be set straight, like immediately. _

They finished the song, and the kiss to great applause and cheering on one side and what looked like potentially damaging muscle tension on the other. Casey looked over at Derek, all flushed and happy with herself and Derek flashed a quick and unconvincing smile back at her.

Somewhere off in Siberia, Jack announced that they'd pick it up from there the next day.

Sheldon groaned out loud.

"Huh?" Emily said.

"Be right back," Sheldon said. He made a beeline for Derek.

"Hey," Sheldon said.

"What," Derek said, not looking at him. A year ago, this would have been intimidating.

"Might I perhaps have a word?" Sheldon asked.

"I can think of a couple you can have," Derek said.

"Yeah, yeah, you're pissed, I get it," Sheldon said. "No need for the dick swinging with me."

"Why are you trying to climb up my ass, Schlepper?"

"To help you remove the stick, Venturi."

"Just what is your problem?" Derek asked.

"Take a breath," Sheldon said. "I'm trying to help you out, here, and DO NOT interrupt me either. I can see what's going on here with you and I think I need to stick my two cents in before you get into trouble because you are clearly about to get into trouble, dude." Sheldon waited for an interruption that, luckily didn't come.

"You're jealous," he continued. "of a guy who is not only gay, but is _so_ gay that he grabbed _my_ ass the other day. Seems like everyone knew that but you, and I assumed that you knew it, too so I couldn't figure out your problem. And FYI, neither could Casey. I am supposed to be reporting back to her whatever I could find out, but I'm looking at you with that _face_ on you like someone drowned kittens in front of you on your birthday and set fire to your new bike. I am not unfamiliar with that feeling as you well know, so I had to come over here right now and tell you first. And did you just get this on camera?" Sheldon turned to see the red light still blinking.

"Shit," Derek said. "Maybe the audio, a little."

"I really will never be prime minister, will I?" Sheldon said.

"Guess I'd vote for your silly ass," Derek said. "You'd be fun to watch on the news."

"Good to know," Sheldon said. "If Coldspray's still together by the time I run, I'll get them to do my campaign song."

"There's always D-Rock," Derek said. "A little Canadian pride?"

"They'd deport us," Sheldon said. That finally got a laugh out of Derek.

"I am in so much trouble," Derek said.

"Not really," Sheldon said. "You didn't kick the guy's ass. That counts for something."

"Not in Caseyville," Derek said. "I have just elected myself village idiot."

"At least you hold public office," Sheldon said.

"It's a tough job," Derek said. Then they both said: "But someone's gotta do it."

"So you should probably go over there and tell your girlfriend that she rules," Sheldon said.

"One step ahead of you, bud," Derek said. "First, I have to talk to Chris, 'cause God only knows what _he_ thinks of me."

Part Four: Chris.

_Aw, crap_, Chris thought. _Incoming. _He hoped the twerp wasn't the violent type. He wasn't afraid of him, but he was sick and tired of this type of bullshit.

Although, truth to tell, Chris had been asking for it. He was the one to throw out the first insult, as it were. He was just so busy obsessing over why the kid didn't like him. How _dare_ he not like him? At first he'd been secure in the knowledge that the kid had to be a homophobe, but David blew that theory. So Chris went on the attack which is what he did when he felt defensive and inadequate. Meanwhile, there was no earthly reason for Derek to be coming up to him right now, so this could not be good.

"So listen," Derek began. "Can we talk for a sec?"

_I can take him_, Chris thought. "If you want," he said.

"In private?"

"You wanna talk, talk," Chris said. But then he pointed with his head toward an empty spot near the back of the room.

"Thank you," Derek said once they got there.

"Well?" Chris said. He really did need to work on his attitude.

"Okay," Derek said. This really couldn't be easy for him.

"I've been kind of unfair to you," Derek said. "It was completely unfounded, and I wanted to apologize. Because, idiot that I am, I was jealous."

"Come again?"

"Of you," Derek said. "And Casey." He was looking everywhere but at him.

Chris snorted.

"No," he said.

"'Fraid so," Derek said.

"Seriously?" Chris said.

"Yeah," Derek said.

"That is the cutest thing I've ever heard!" Chris said. "You're so _sweet_. You thought I was straight?"

"Not my finest hour."

"Awwwww!" Chris said. "You really do have it bad for this girl don't you?"

"You reckon so?" Derek said.

"A little early for sarcasm, babes," Chris said. "Even if you didn't kick my ass. What stopped you from kicking my ass, by the way?"

"She would have dumped me," Derek said. "I've been crazy about her for pretty much ever, and I've done nothing to deserve her. So I better not screw it up."

"Okay," Chris said. "Know what? I am so sorry I was even the least bit rude to you, because I have a lot of karma to fix and I want to deserve a gay one of you someday."

"Um," Derek said.

"Say thank you, Derek," Casey said from behind him.


	26. Chapter 26

And The Winner Is...

by The BucketWoman

Disclaimer: There is so much stuff that I do not own. Life with Derek for starters. I quoted a song lyric from High School Musical (one line only) which is unusual for me, and mentioned some other stuff, but no infringement is intended.

Chapter Twenty-Six

Part One: Casey

"Thank you, Derek," Derek said.

Chris rolled his eyes and groaned.

From behind him, Casey put an arm around his waist. He twisted to get an arm around her shoulders.

"Not that you still notice me standing here," Chris said. "But I am gonna go home to my empty bed now." He gave them both light pats on the head as he headed out the door. Casey dimly heard Emily's voice from the parking lot. She was yelling at Chris to quit molesting her boyfriend.

"I'm the only one who gets to do that!" Emily said.

Derek laughed. Poor thing looked exhausted. How worried had he been?

People passed Derek and Casey on the way out. Most of them pretended not to notice the way Derek was looking at her, but Casey heard a couple of delighted squeees from people who just couldn't help themselves.

"So you're not pissed at me?" Derek said.

"Why would I be pissed?" Casey asked. "What'dya do?"

"Made kind of an ass of myself," He said.

"You get points for consistency," she said.

"That's comforting," he said. "So why exactly didn't you tell me the dude was gay? I mean, do you _enjoy_ watching me squirm?"

"Yeah,"Casey said. "But that's beside the point. I thought you knew about Chris. It's not like he was trying to hide it."

"I..." Derek said. "Guess I missed it. I saw squealing and melting girls watching him at the auditions— and I have that on tape if you don't believe me—and I thought to myself 'good-looking guy, girls looking at him like he was made of nacho, and he's gonna be kissing my girl' so I stressed about it a little."

"What did you think would happen?" Casey asked. "Did you think I'd cheat on you?"

"No," Derek said. "I thought you'd dump me properly."

"You're an idiot."

"So people keep telling me."

"Why would you worry about something like that?" Casey asked. She kissed him then, and he wasn't expecting it, so he let out a completely ungraceful mmmph.

But then, at long last, he relaxed. His eyebrows unknitted, shoulders finally lowered. She hadn't noticed until that second that they'd been practically up to his ears, like a startled cat's.

There was a little pause after she came up for air. He blinked a couple of times and said: "Silly me."

Casey laughed and went in for another kiss when the extended bleat of a honking horn made them both jump. Casey clutched at her heart.

"I guess that was a hint," Derek said. Not that he was in any hurry, horn or no horn. He took her face in both hands and tried for another kiss.

"Derek," Casey said. "We must not keep our Shemily waiting."

"Patience is a virtue," he said. "Least that's what Nora says when I ask her when we're gonna eat."

He nibbled on her ear and buried his nose in her hair. He was too good at this. How did anyone expect her to do anything when he did this? She ran her hands under his t-shirt and raised goosebumps. He stifled a giggle up against her neck. He was so thoroughly ticklish. Sometimes all she had to do was poke one particular spot on his abdomen and he was powerless.

"Don't even think about it," he said, still up against her neck, and reading her mind. She knew his tickle spots and he knew that the vibration of his voice against her drove her bonkers. She guessed they were even.

HOOOOONNNKKKK!!!!! HOOONNNNKKKKK!!!!

Casey was going to get Emily for that. And it had to be Emily. Sheldon would've given them a few minutes.

"Whose idea was it to carpool again?" Derek said. "What are we, forty?"

"I dunno, but we better go," Casey said. She led Derek over to the bank of chairs where he left his camera stuff. She helped him put the last of his stuff away. He reached for her and gave her another quick kiss on the neck.

"Come on," Casey said, pulling away a little reluctantly. "Time to take a ride in Sheldon (peck) Schlepper's (peck) Brother's (peck) Clunker."

"Oh how I miss our clunker," Derek said.

"It's our turn to drive them tomorrow," Casey said.

"How can we torture them?" Derek said, rubbing his hands together.

"Yep, knew you'd like that," Casey said as they walked about.

"Silly, silly Puppy," she whispered into his ear just before they got to the car.

So began a drive home marked with tickling and idle threats, and a lot of making out. Casey managed to look up once or twice to see Sheldon rolling his eyes in the rear-view mirror. The ride was also notable for Emily saying "Don't you _make_ us turn this car around!"

The next night, Derek took a CD case and loaded it with stuff he borrowed from Marti—High School Musical, Hannah Montana, Corbin Bleu, Kidz Bop—stuff that he figured would have Sheldon and Emily begging for mercy.

It backfired.

"We're aaaalll in this together," they sang along from the back of the car, both doing synchronized head swivels and dorky 80s dances like the Snake and the Cabbage Patch.

"Can't believe you thought that would work," Casey said.

"Don't rub it in," Derek said.

"We're all in this together," Casey sang.

"You're the Devil," Derek said.

Part Two: George

George thought it was high time they went away for the weekend.

"I don't know, Georgie," Nora said. "We should think about it." She really wanted to, he could see it on her face, the way her forehead crinkled up like she was trying to concentrate, but could be easily distracted by the right kind of distraction. She was sitting on the edge of their bed, playing with a loose thread on the bedspread..

"What's to think about?" George asked, sitting down next to her and leaning on her a little. "We've done it before. The house is still standing and everything! And Derek seems to really have matured these past few months, so I think we can, in good conscience, sneak away for a day or so."

"That was before any of our kids began to date, Georgie," Nora said. "Now, in case you hadn't noticed, four out of the five are attached at the hip. Aren't you really relieved that I didn't have a son for Marti?"

He'd thought about that.

"Like I said, Derek has really grown up a lot in the last year or so."

"That's kind of what I'm worried about," Nora said.

"Very funny."

"Not joking."

"I think that we can't keep watch on them forever," George said.

"No," Nora agreed. "Not for_ever_. Just till they're thirty." She moved on from the comforter to the hem of her shirt.

"No-_raaa_," George said. "The point I'm trying to make here, is that the kids are growing up. Meaning that they are all protective of each other and as such, they can be trusted."

"Edwin and Lizzie," Nora said.

"What about em?" George said. "They're fourteen."

"Edwin had a book," Nora began, "that I borrowed. It's about a _thir_teen year old boy...and a thirteen year old girl. No parental supervision. So they start having sex."

"_Skipped Parts_," George said. "Good book."

"You knew about this book?" Nora said. "You let Edwin read it?"

"Can't stop Edwin from reading books," George said. "And I wouldn't if I could. Same with Casey, Lizzie, and eventually Marti. Tell a kid they can't read something, first of all, you're insulting their intelligence. Secondly, they'll do anything in their power to get their hands on it anyway. Same with movies. Case in point, bottom drawer of Derek's dresser, the one that we officially don't know about, with all the horror movies in it. And the Kevin Smith stuff. Besides, did you read the whole book, Nora? They're not going to be imitating it anytime soon, believe me."

"I still can't help worrying about them," Nora said. George started to nuzzle her neck. He had no idea that his son often used the same move.

"There's always Mrs. Higgenbothom," George said.

"She won't come within a hundred feet of this house," Nora said.

"I have a feeling," George said. "That Derek will put Mrs. Higgenbothom to shame if we leave him and Casey in charge this weekend."

"How do you know?"

"Just a hunch," George said. "Don't forget I'm the eldest, too."

"Would they listen to him?" Nora said.

"Yes and no," George said. "They will put up all kinds of fuss about how he's not the boss of them, but they will be powerless against Derek as Papa Bear."

"Wow," Nora thought. She tried to suppress a smile. George knew she was picturing Derek sitting between Edwin and Lizzie, possibly reminding them to leave room for the Holy Ghost.

"And Casey's been doing the Mama Bear bit for years now," George said. "So whaddya say?"

"Are we taking Marti?" Nora said.

"No," George said. "I think we can leave her to walk in on _them_. That way _we_ get privacy and they don't."

He started to knead her shoulders. "You know you want to," he said. "Incidentally, this place I found has a pool, and no kids. And real adult food. No peanut butter. No goldfish crackers. No mac and cheese."

"I kinda like the goldfish crackers," Nora said.

"We can bring some," George said. "But the point is that there will be no kids lurking about and you can walk around the room naked if you choose to do so and might I add that I hope you choose to do so?"

"So," George continued, wrapping his arms around Nora, "Crackers? Nudity? Crumbs in bed that the kids didn't put there? Yes? "

"Okay," Nora said, finally. "But there will have to be a family meeting."

Part Three: Edwin.

This was going to suck.

First there'd been that sentence that Edwin never liked to hear:

"Casey, Derek, you're in charge."

"No more 'wheel of fun' though okay?" Marti said. Derek snickered.

"Keep laughing," Casey said. She gestured with her fork. "That was a valid skill building and bonding exercise!"

Even Dad laughed at that. "Don't tell me you tried the chore wheel thing from that magazine. Anyone could've told you that wasn't gonna go over well."

Casey stirred her peas and pouted.

"I'm sure there are all kinds of things you guys can do that won't inspire mutiny," Nora said.

"Keep hope alive, Mom," Lizzie said.

"I always do," Nora said.

As it turned out, Derek and Casey had big plans for them this weekend. Turned out, there was a need for set painters and such for Casey's play. So Saturday morning, they sent Marti off to play with Dimi and conscripted Lizzie and Edwin to come help.

"You couldn't ask anyone else?" Lizzie asked.

"We asked _everyone_ else," Casey said. "Sam and Em are coming. Ralph is doing family stuff. Sheldon's working. Even Tinker told me no."

"That leaves us," Derek said. "And you."

"And you're gonna what,"Lizzie said. "Supervise?"

"As always," Derek said. Then he rolled his eyes. "Come on. We'll spring for pizza."

"With the cash Dad left?" Edwin said.

"Duh?" Derek said. "You care?"

"Nope," Edwin said. "But it's hardly a bribe if you were gonna do it anyway."

"I was going to order pizza anyway," Derek said. "But was I going to give you any? That's the question."

"Okay, listen," Casey said. "You guys are both really artistic. We're gonna have you do close up work like painting leaves and vines. Maybe some street signs."

Casey turned her biggest saddest eyes on them both.

"Okay! Okay!" Lizzie said. "Jeez!"

"Way to cave, Liz" Edwin said. Lizzie glared at him. He resisted the urge to take a step back from her.

"So let's go already," Derek said.

So Edwin went along, too.

They were greeted at the door by Jack, who pretended never to have met Edwin or Lizzie before.

"Weeell," Jack said. "I've heard so much about the two of you; it's nice to finally meet you."

_Subtle_, Edwin thought, but shook his hand.

Chris and Brianna were inside already. Jack formally introduced them too.

Brianna gushed over Edwin and Lizzie in a cheek-pinching Auntie sort of way.

"They're gorgeous," she said. "Did your _entire_ family step out of a Kodak ad?"

"Pretty much," Derek said.

"Egotistical much?" Casey said. Derek winked at her.

Then there was Chris.

"Will you look at this face," Chris said, lifting Lizzie's chin. "_Quelle gamine_!"

"Trying to say I'm some kind of waif?" Lizzie asked.

"Uh-oh," Derek said.

"Move outta the way," Edwin said.

"Am I about to get my ass kicked?" Chris asked.

"Maybe," Derek said. "There's a little bit of Tae Kwon Do going on that you should maybe know about."

"Oooh," Chris said. "Can ya flip me?"

"Maybe later," Lizzie said.

"If I'm good?" Chris asked. Lizzie rolled her eyes. "Dork," she said. But she was smiling.

Derek, to his credit, had paint in his hair and on one cheek within an hour. He and Casey got stuck doing the facade of the flower shop. It was made up of two pieces on wheels and they needed to paint both sides. They put Edwin to work on a lamppost as Lizzie got to help Brianna glue fake brick wallpaper onto one of the facades.

It wasn't so bad; Edwin grabbed the digital still camera on the way out of the house. He was especially happy to have it when Emily and Sam showed up.

Sam for some reason seemed to be of particular interest to both Chris and Brianna.


	27. Chapter 27

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: The writers of _Life with Derek_ are not this long-winded. Sometimes I wish they would be, but no...so I'm not one of them, 'cause they'd never take me. And as usual, I make tons of references that I don't own.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Part One: Emily

There was squealing and hugging, as there always was. Emily learned early on that Casey hugged people the same way whether she hadn't seen them in an hour or a year. So she was ready for it, but poor, poor Sam never did get used to it. He was pushed backward a step, and he let out a small "oof."

Not that he was complaining. Even when Casey pulled back from the hug and recoiled at the smear of green paint she left on his right shoulder. The sight of it made Emily look down at herself and notice that she got painted a little as well, but as her old t-shirt already had a little paint on it from when she redid her room, it didn't matter.

"Oh, my gosh, oh my gosh, ohmigosh," Casey said, trying to rub the paint off the shoulder of his wifebeater and the bare skin on either side of it.

_Wait till she sees what she did to his back_, Emily thought, wondering if she should take out her phone and get a picture of the partial handprint Casey left. To Derek's amusement and Casey's horror. Edwin beat her to it.

"Not my best side, Ed," Sam said when he saw the flash go off.

"Do you _have_ a good side?" Edwin asked.

This was when Sam put his finger into the nearest paint can and booped Edwin's nose with it.

Edwin looked at him in shock for a second. Then: "You know Sam," he said. "I just missed you so _much_!" Then he hugged Sam, getting more paint on him.

Lizzie caught Emily's eye and both took a step back out of the line of fire, afraid that one of them would reach for the nearest paint can but luckily Jack piped up, saying something about the price of the paint. Sam and Edwin, being Sam and Edwin, backed off.

"Aw _man_," Derek said. "Would've been nice to see a paint fight I didn't start."

"It'd be like a Bigfoot sighting," Sam said.

"This is what I'm saying," Derek said.

"Look at you guys," Casey said. "I got you both all green!"

"It's not easy being green," Chris said. He introduced himself and shook Sam's hand. He looked Sam over, taking in the deep tan that Casey would probably yell at him for having, and his shaggy hair, which had turned a little blonder in the sun. Chris's eyes flicked quickly down and back up again, lingering at Sam's eyes, which turned into little upside down U's when he smiled.

Now Emily, for some reason never thought of Sam as, well, a _guy_, and she still thought of him as more of a brother type, but she had to admit that he was looking kinda pretty, and she could see that she wasn't the only one who'd noticed his shoulders in that wifebeater. She couldn't wait to tell Sheldon about this.

Part Two: Derek.

Sam was being hit on and he didn't even know it. Derek cursed himself for not bringing the camera. A shot of the NC-17 look Chris was giving Sam would win Derek every award in the book. Not to mention it's inherent value as blackmail. He couldn't even signal to Edwin to get a shot of it because suddenly--

"Did you just quote Kermit the Frog?" Brianna teased, giving Chris a friendly shoulder bump and breaking the flirt-beam. "That is surprisingly hot."

"Derek sorta sounds like Kermit the Frog when he gets mad," Sam said.

"Hey!" Derek said, high pitched. He cleared his throat. "I do not!" But in truth, he totally did, even before the injury. He didn't notice it until that wedding video he shot for Fiona and Harry. Casey had been helpful enough to point it out, which in turn helped Edwin with his Derek impression.

"I rest my case," Sam said, gesturing at Derek, palms up.

Sam got a proper look at Brianna, and Derek thought: _Thunderbolt. _

"I'm Brianna," she said. Her voice, suddenly a good octave lower than normal, and now she was flashing her own flirt-beam at Sam.

"I'm..." Sam said. "Um."

"You are Sam," Brianna said. She began to count on her fingers. "Let's see if I got this straight: You're on the hockey team with Derek, and the king of...was it _Final Fantasy_?"

"_Babe Raider_," Casey supplied. "'King of Babes' they call him."

"Yeah that was it," Brianna said. She cocked her head at Derek, Casey, and Emily. "They talk about you a little." Brianna had these humongous liquid black eyes and even though she was a tall girl, she looked up at Sam and unleashed those eyes on him. She took his hand in both of hers to shake it, then moved one hand up to a bicep.

"And he's a bass player," Casey added. Casey was beaming at both of them. Derek could see her planning Sam and Brianna's wedding already.

"Really?" Brianna said.

"Yeah," Sam said, looking a little apologetic. "Kinda boring."

"Uh-uh," Brianna said. "Bass players are hot. Look at Tony Kanal. Pete Wentz. Flea. Paul freakin' McCartney!"

_Way right answer_, Derek thought, looking at the puddle of Sam in front of them. From the corner of his eye, he saw Chris roll his eyes. He almost felt bad for the guy; he really couldn't catch a break. If Sam had been even a little gay, Casey would've hooked them up, though.

Sam cocked his head to one side as he watched Chris slink away in defeat. _Dumbass still hasn't caught on, _Derek thought, but then he saw Edwin, who was usually pretty observant, look from Chris to Sam and back in confusion. Then Edwin got it—his eyes widened briefly and one corner of his mouth went up as he tried not to laugh. Lizzie rolled her eyes at his expression.

Sam looked at Derek and shrugged. It would be fun to explain it to him later.

Part Three: Lizzie

Edwin, ever mindful of getting paint on his digital camera, was gingerly checking on the shots he'd just gotten before he had to go back to that lamppost.

"Look at this," Edwin said, showing Lizzie a shot of Sam with a completely lobotomized look on his face. It occurs to Lizzie that she's seen this look before. Usually on Derek. Once or twice on George. She hoped one day she could make that face appear on Edwin.

In the meantime, she decided that she was going to work on the lamppost with him. Edwin finally put down the camera and followed her. In an attempt at chivalry, he offered to climb the ladder to paint the top part of the set piece.

"It's not that high, Edwin," she said.

"High enough," he said.

"No offense," she said. "But you don't get along with ladders. Or high stuff in general." Lizzie couldn't help but think of the time that Edwin climbed the tree in the yard because there was a tattered plastic bag stuck to a branch and it wouldn't blow away for weeks. He hadn't thought twice about climbing up there—fear of heights was not among Edwin's neuroses—but he had missed his footing on the way down and landed with a thud, dislocating his shoulder. Then there was the time he'd tried to change the light bulb in the ceiling fan in his room and sprained an ankle after slipping on their old ladder. She reminded him of these things.

"Oh come on," Edwin said. "Even Dad said the old ladder was falling to pieces. You can_not _blame that one on me." He didn't argue about the tree.

"My point is," Lizzie said. "Your track record's almost as bad as Casey's"

"Heard that!" Casey said.

"Deny it," Lizzie said.

"How bout you just hold the ladder steady for me?" Lizzie said, batting her eyes. Edwin rolled his and let her climb the ladder.

It took her five whole minutes to get a sneaker tangled in a rung. She let out a little shriek in anticipation of hitting the stage, but Edwin caught her. Or, more accurately broke her fall.

Everybody ran over and there was a flutter of "Oh my Gods," Jack came running over, cell phone in one hand and first aid kit in the other, and Derek actually looked a little green.

"If you laugh, I swear," Lizzie said to Edwin, once she calmed down a little.

"Laugh?" Edwin said in a strained voice. "Me?"

That was when she realized that she was still on top of him. Derek lifted her off and carried her to a chair so fast that she didn't have time to be annoyed. Derek and Sam hovered over her.

"You okay?" Derek asked.

"Yeah," Lizzie said.

"Nothing's broken?" Sam said. "You sure?" He knelt down and felt her ankle. "That hurt?"

"Nope," she said. "I'm okay. Unless I sprained my Edwin." She looked over to where Casey was mommy-ing Edwin.

"Casey," she heard Edwin say. "Stop it! I did not hit my head and I do _not_ need an ice pack" He got up. "I might need a cushion later."

"A little Blunt Posterior Trauma?" Derek called.

"Kick _ass_," Sam said. Edwin laughed. Derek groaned. Then Sam realized what he'd just said and joined in both the groaning and the laughing.

"Okay," Derek said. "No more ladder."

"You're overreacting Derek," Lizzie said.

"Our parents will never trust me again if I break you guys," Derek said. "If you hadn't noticed, that is so much worse than breaking the lamp, or throwing a party."

"Or denting a fender," Sam said.

"Don't help, Sam," Derek said.

"Know what," Jack said. "_I_ will finish the lamppost. I was working on sign lettering over by the table, and quite frankly, I'd rather get a root canal, so why don't you guys take over that?"

"You make it sound like so much _fun_," Edwin said. "How could we resist?"

Part Four: Casey.

Casey was ostensibly painting her end of the facade, but she kept staring at Derek, so she kept running out of paint on her brush and not noticing it.

"What are you smiling at?" Derek said.

"You," she said. "You're just so _cute_ when you're protective."

"I'll have you know," he began, gesturing with his paintbrush, splattering his old jeans, "that I am always cute. I'm Derek."

"And you're modest," Casey said, walking over to the paint thinner and cleaning her drying brush with it. She gave him a quick kiss.

"You forgot sexy," he said in her ear.

"No," Casey said. "I didn't." She grinned at him and tried to get away, but he pulled her back.

"The abuse I put up with," Derek said.

"Someone's gotta stop you from getting an even bigger head," Casey said.

"Why postpone the inevitable?" Derek said, his nose touching hers. "You may as well accept what you can't change."

"Have you ever known me to give up that easily?" she said. She went for his earlobe and gave it a light nip. He looked around him, making sure that everyone else was on the other side of the facade they were working on. He was so predictable, sometimes.

"No one can see us, Derek," she said.

"Doesn't hurt to check," he said. "I was a wolf cub, you know, for a minute or two, and I know how to 'be prepared'."

He got a tighter grip on her. "Now admit it," he said.

"What?" she said.

"That I, Derek Venturi, am the sexiest guy in the room," he said. "No—the province—no wait—the continent!"

"Did Adam Brody move to England?" Casey said. Derek grabbed his chest and fell to his knees. "Was Jake Epstein on the plane with him...and Casey Affleck?" Derek face planted onto the dropcloth.

"Don't forget Rob Thomas," Chris piped up as he walked over to them. "I always had a thing for him, ever since I saw the video for '3 am'."

"Yeah, there's him, too," Casey said.

"Did I interrupt something?" Chris said.

"Maybe just a little," Derek said looking up from the floor.

"Ooh," Chris said. "Sorry about that, Daddy. I was just looking for a bigger brush, but then again, aren't we all?"

"Daddy?" Derek said starting to get up.

"Yep," Chris said. "I saw you over there being a Daddy with your little bro and step-sis, murdering their perfect flirt moment, I might add, so from this moment on, you shall be Daddy." He touched Derek's shoulders with the brush he'd been looking for. "Sorry it's not a sword, but I'm not a king either, so it works out."

Derek looked at Chris, dumbfounded.

"What," Chris said. "Not gonna call me a queen?"

"Too easy," Derek said. He gestured at Casey. "She's a princess."

"You're a jester," Casey said. Then she poked out her lower lip and put both hands up next to her face to simulate paws, reminding him of his mother's pet name for him. He glared at her.

"And I live to serve my puh-rincess," Derek said, bowing.

"Otherwise he ends up in the moat," Casey said.

"You crack that whip, baby," Chris said. "I will go off to the outskirts of the kingdom and continue working on Mushnik's counter."

"Jester?" Derek said, when Chris left. "You're so gonna pay for that." He put his hands under her shirt and went right for her ribs. As she laughed helplessly and tried to fight him off, he got to his knees again and kissed the spot right above her navel. She had to put a hand over her mouth to stop the squeal. A noise like that would've brought everyone and their brother running over to them.

"De-_rek_" she said.

"Ca-_sey_," he said, directly into her stomach. Her knees felt a little shaky.

"Quit it," she said.

"You don't want me to quit it," his lips were still in the same spot, so his speech was the tiniest bit muffled.

"Anyone can wander back here," Casey said. "Want Edwin to take a picture?"

He pulled his head back a little and grinned up at her. "Like Edwin doesn't know how completely crazy I am about you. As if he doesn't make the whip crack noise whenever you tell me to do something and I actually _do_ it."

"That happens so rarely," Casey said.

"But in the rare instances it does happen," Derek said. "There he is--'Whaaaa-peeesh!'"

"And you let him live," Casey said.

"For now," Derek said. "Especially since I can do it to him now. Anyway, he's right. Nobody in the world has ever had me this whipped."

"Me too," Casey said.

Part Five: Edwin.

Jack suggested that it might be time to order lunch—on him. Edwin and Lizzie were walking over to the stage to get Casey and Derek and ask what they wanted when Edwin heard:

"De-_rek_"

Then: "Ca-_sey_," a little indistinctly.

He and Lizzie looked at each other and both headed back toward where they came from. Halfway there, they came to a stop and from a safe distance, Edwin called:

"Hey, Casey, Derek, what's for lunch?"

If they wanted to delude themselves into thinking that no one knew what they were up to, who was he to stop them?

A/N: Sorry to those who are disappointed that I didn't hook up Chris and Sam, but I love Chris and can assure you that he will find a guy...who you ask? All shall be revealed soon. 0:-)


	28. Chapter 28

And The Winner Is...

By TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I do not own LWD, or that one song I reference (Chris Rock's "No Sex.") Don't sue me, per favore.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Part One: Edwin

There was a long line for the shower when they got home. Four teenagers covered in paint will do that every time.

"Just let me know when you guys are done," Edwin said, leaving the others to argue over who got to be first. He knew by now that he would never be first.

He used the time to go into his room and load the memory card from the camera into the computer. He saved the shots he wanted and printed up some thumbnails for him and Lizzie to look over later. If all worked out right, he could edit those into his movie.

Lizzie came in.

"Lost the coin toss," she said.

"Who won?" Edwin asked. Lizzie said nothing.

"Don't tell me they're in there together again," Edwin said.

"Whatcha doin, Edwin," Lizzie said, changing the subject.

"Oh my GAWD," Edwin said. "We need to put a sign on that door that says 'Champagne Room' or something 'cause this has to stop!"

"Champagne room?"

"Didn't you ever hear that song 'No sex in the champagne room,' " he sang.

"Ew! No!" Lizzie said. "Nope that one's definitely new to me." She picked at a patch of red paint of the leg of her old, too tight jeans. He thought mournfully that she probably wouldn't wear them again.

"No sex in the champagne room," he sang again.

"Stop it!"

"What the hell are you guys doing in here?" Derek said. He was still dressed.

"You said--" Edwin began.

"No," Lizzie said. "I didn't. You assumed." She smiled at him smugly. He was going to get her for that.

"Assumed what?" Derek said.

"That there's no chicken left from last night, but I think there is," Lizzie lied.

"Nope," Derek said. "There isn't."

"You ate all of that chicken?" Edwin asked.

"Not just me," he said. "So, whatcha doing?"

"Nothing," Edwin said. "Putting pictures in."

"Oooh," Derek said, pushing Edwin, chair and all, out of the way. Edwin had to grab the edge of the desk to stop the momentum of the computer chair.

"Lemme see," Derek said. He clicked on the slide show feature.

Up popped a shot of a perfectly clean Casey, carefully painting a door and smiling for the camera. A couple feet away stood Derek, a green smear across one cheek. The next shot showed Casey struggling away from Derek who had her in a bone crusher of a hug. Shot number three showed Casey looking down at her newly green t-shirt and arms.

"Can I have a copy of these?" Derek asked.

"Yeah," Edwin said.

"Hey!" Lizzie said. "Who took this?"

A picture of Edwin, Emily and Casey panned across the screen. Casey and Emily were trying to teach Edwin a dance move, and even from the still shot, it was obvious that he had not an ounce of rhythm or coordination. Lizzie could be seen sitting on the edge of the stage, laughing at the three of them. The next shot was of Edwin and Lizzie in profile. She was still sitting on the stage, and he was standing in front of her, both of her hands in his.

Derek grinned at the both of them. "Aren't you glad you brought the telephoto lens, Ed?"

"De-_rek_!" Lizzie said.

"Yeah, kinda," Edwin said.

"Ooh, here's the one," Derek said. He hit pause. It was the shot of the handprint on Sam's back. "I'm just sorry it wasn't his ass that got painted. But I think it'll be my wallpaper anyway. And—" He unpaused it.

Derek was struck dumb for a second.

It was the shot of Brianna giving Sam the bedroom eyes. Sam was caught in a half-smile like he couldn't believe his luck.

"I don't think that I've ever said this before," Derek began, "And I'll probably never say it again, but you, little brother, are the _man_, and I am so completely jealous. I cannot believe you got that shot. I thought you were checking out the pics you had already."

"Yeah," Edwin said. "I'm sneaky like that." It was so easy. The camera didn't make too much noise, and it worked pretty well without the flash in regular lighting. The only time he'd used the flash was to let Sam know that his picture had been taken from behind.

There was a shot of Chris twirling two paintbrushes like glowsticks, and another of him holding both hands in the shape of a frame like he was getting ready to paint a landscape instead of a display case. Then he posed for a shot atop Mushnik's store countertop, a paintbrush in his mouth like it was a rose.

Edwin had caught Lizzie, Casey, and Derek in separate shots. Each of them had been snapped unaware, and each had a look of actual concentration as they tried to get some actual work done.

"You're really getting good at this," Derek said, his face turning serious. "You can practically count Lizzie's freckles, look at that."

"Shut up," Lizzie said, bumping him. Derek pinched her cheek and she crossed her eyes at him.

This was when the hiss of the pipes stopped, indicating that Casey was done in the shower.

Lizzie, being the only one standing at that point, ran for the door before either of the boys could make a move. Derek laughed. Edwin was furious. He got up and tried to give chase.

"Lizzie!" He saw her take the last three steps from the attic at a jump. Casey, in her towel, moved out of the way so that Lizzie couldn't knock her down. She looked up at Edwin, eyes huge beneath the towel on her head; then, putting two and two together, pulled her towel tighter and continued on her way to her room.

"Give it up, bro," Derek said when Edwin came back in. "She's too fast for you."

Part Two: Casey.

Marti came back while Casey was ordering Chinese.

"Got extra lo mein for you, Marti," she said.

"Co-_ol_," Marti said. She wriggled onto the couch next to Lizzie. In the spot Casey had only just vacated.

"Would ya jump into my grave that fast?" Casey said.

"If there's a remote," Marti said. Lizzie's other side was not an option. Edwin was sprawled up against her, his back up against her side, her arm around his chest. He had one leg hooked over the arm of the couch and his head on her shoulder. Derek seemed oblivious to all of this, stretched out as he was in his own personal recliner.

"I guess I will just stake out a bit of floor, then huh?" she said. "Some nice dustbunnies for company? On the hard, cold, floor?"

Who made all of them so impervious to guilt, Casey wondered.

"Edwin," Casey said.

"Yes, Casey."

"Move or I'll sit on you," she said sweetly.

"Bring it," he said.

She strode over to the couch and crouched down like she was really going to do it, but he called her bluff.

"D'oh!" she said, giving up. "You're such a...couch hog!"

"Good one," he said, grinning, every tooth winking in the light of the TV.

"If I said what I wanted to say, I'd have to wash my own mouth out with soap, now wouldn't I?"

"Oooh," Marti said. "Casey's gonna curse."

"No," Casey said. "I'm not. That's the point."

She stalked off to get one of the armchairs from the back of the room.

"Casey," Derek said. He waved her over with one hand.

"What?" Casey said, coming over.

"C'mere," he said. She moved a little closer and he pulled her down on top of him.

"We'll break the chair!" she yelped on the way down. They rocked backward ominously, but then came to a stop.

"You were saying?" Derek said.

The doorbell rang.

"Sugar-honey-iced-tea!" Casey said, getting up.

"Ow-ow-ow," Derek said. "Fffff-fudge," he said.

She didn't need to guess what happened. "Sorry," she said. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said through gritted teeth.

"Are you sure?" she said. "Do you need ice?"

The doorbell rang again. "Delivery?" a voice said from outside.

"Derek?"

"I need food," he reminded. "Food is here."

The food was there.

Over dinner, they all made fun of Derek for not getting the hang of chopsticks, but somehow tonight, it wasn't any fun. He just sat there quietly with his fork and allowed himself to be mocked. Casey thought he was in pain from having his nuts crushed, so she got the others to back off after a minute or so.

After they ate, she followed Derek upstairs. She was pretty sure that her original plan was shot, but maybe they could talk about stuff at least.

"How bad?" she asked.

"I've had worse," he said. He sat down on his bed easily enough, and leaned back across it. She got down on her stomach next to him. "I'll be okay in the morning."

"I noticed that you were quiet even before that," she said.

"Not really," he said. "Just thinking, and before you feel my forehead, Miss Predictable, I am not running a temperature, nor am I high from the paint fumes."

"Okay, wiseapple," she said. "Explain yourself, then."

He stared at the ceiling for a minute to gather his thoughts.

"I dunno," he said. "I think that I need to figure something out."

"What's that," she said.

"You'll laugh," he said.

"No I won't," she said. "Now what is it?"

"It's stupid," Derek began. "I saw something today. Edwin's pictures."

"Your hair did something weird? That happens to me all the time."

"Casey," he said. She shut up.

"Edwin is talented," he said. "He's just one of those kids, you know? He's fucking brilliant."

"So, what," Casey said. "You're jealous?"

"Well, yeah," Derek said. "There is that, but mostly I'm just kinda...what's the word..."

"Proud?"

"Yeah, but that's not it."

"Amazed?"

"Getting warmer."

"Thunderstruck?"

"Bingo," he said. "We need to tell him about that short film contest. I will never be half as good as he is now."

"You're still going to enter," Casey said. It wasn't a question.

"I dunno."


	29. Chapter 29

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: Couldn't decide on a disclaimer cliché. So I'll toss in a few. I don't own LWD, nor am I a Canadian TV writer. If I did, it'd be longer, with more music, and would probably be on at a consistent time slot.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Part One: Derek

Casey got onto her knees with such violence that the bed jostled. Derek groaned.

"You're _going_ to enter that contest," she said. "You've been following me around for weeks with your camera, the one that your Dad bought for a guilt inducing amount of money, I might add. You are not about to give up because you got a little freaking competition. What kind of wuss are you?"

Casey was playing the wuss card, but he wasn't taking it seriously.

"What happened to 'I don't do jealousy'?"

Derek said nothing.

"Derek," Casey said. "Just because Edwin's pretty good—"

"_Really_ good."

"Really good," Casey said. "Doesn't mean you're not."

"I know that," Derek said. "I just feel like an ass."

"Which would be unusual, how?" Casey said. "Oh come on, stop looking at me like that. You've got some good stuff yourself and you know it. You just hate thinking that it might not be as easy as it usually is for you."

"What do you mean easy?" Derek asked. "Who said anything was easy? Edwin has always been better than me at most things. I thank God every day that he kinda sucks at sports or else I'd have _nothing_. The only consolation I've had is that no one's told him yet. Now the cat's outta the bag. He's gonna find out."

"And if he does, will you die?" Casey said.

"Meltiiinnnggg," Derek croaked. When Casey didn't smile, he said. "Okay, so no, I won't die, but that doesn't mean that it won't kinda hurt."

"Does everything have to be a competition with you, Derek?" Casey asked.

"Not everything," Derek said.

"_Ev_erything," Casey said. "You, to this day, hold bets over who takes the fastest shower, and who can throw the most sock balls into the hamper! You're nuts!"

"We're _guys_," Derek said.

Casey laughed. "You act like that explains everything."

"Doesn't it?"Derek said. "And anyway, you're acting like I shouldn't be competitive with my little brother, but in the same breath you're telling me that I _should_ be competitive with him. Which is it?"

"What?"Casey asked. "I am _not _saying that."

"You are," Derek said.

"Crap," Casey said. Derek cracked up. Casey smacked his chest. "What I mean is..." She began.

"What _do_ you mean," Derek interrupted. "I could use a good Casey to English translation if such a thing is possible, I mean it's hard enough to understand you in the best of—"

"De-rek!" Casey said. "Stop trying to turn this into a Casey is Nuts type of conversation! I'm trying to be serious here. I see you strutting around here like cock of the walk—"

"Cock?" he interrupted. She continued as if he hadn't spoken.

"And I knew you were faking it to an extent, because no one on Earth is that confident, at least without being brain dead, and while I had my doubts at first, I think I've been able to ascertain that you're _not_ brain dead, that you're pretty damn smart, in fact, so I knew you were full of it."

"Full of what?" Derek teased.

"You know what you're full of," Casey said. "But what you don't know is how great you are and how great you can be. You don't know yourself at all. You have no idea what you're capable of, but I'll tell you what. We do. Sam knows, I know. Your Mom, my Mom, your Dad. Lizzie, Edwin, Marti, should I go on?"

"Please don't," he said. He never knew how to react to stuff like this. One couldn't just smirk it off and say something wiseass like "Of course you should go on. You should go on all day, in fact." Not with Casey anyway.

"You know the best way to get me to shut up?" Casey asked. And of course he did. He rolled over and planted a kiss on her mouth. She pushed him off.

"I was gonna say, Mr. Gun Jumper," Casey said. "That the best way to shut me up is to prove me wrong. Promise that you're going to enter the contest, and let whatever happens happen."

"Then can I kiss you?" he asked. Again she didn't smile. "Okay, okay. I guess I have nothing to lose."

"Duh," she said. "_Now_ you may kiss me."

Part Two: Lizzie.

Edwin was in a weirdly good mood.

Okay, they'd eaten off of paper plates, so there'd been little clean-up, and it had taken a little less bribery than usual to get Marti to go to bed, and okay, a good rerun of _SNL_ was on, but that wasn't it. He was beaming. It was great to see, but Lizzie was dying of curiosity to see what was putting that look on his face.

She put her head on his shoulder and they watched TV in silence for a bit. He laughed at all kinds of stuff that wasn't actually funny until Lizzie took her head off of him.

"Hey," Edwin said, trying to put her head back where it belonged. She got out of the way.

"Am I going to have to chase you?" Edwin said, one eyebrow up. Suddenly she felt like playing, too.

"Maybe," she said and squealed out of the way as he made a grab.

He chased her into the kitchen and around the island, then out the door and into the yard.

"Give up now," he said.

"Yeah right," she said, breaking into a run. She's always been able to outrun him, so she didn't think it would be much trouble to have him give chase for a little while then let him catch her after a respectable amount of time had passed. But she hadn't accounted for his most recent growth spurt, and was therefore completely surprised when he tackled her.

"Oof," she said, rolling over to face him.

"Gotcha," he said. He moved in for the kiss.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" Casey said from the doorway. Lizzie could see Derek laughing right behind her.

"Do you need me to explain what they're doing, Case?"

"Zip it," Casey said to Derek, who continued to laugh. "I heard the back door slam and I thought someone was breaking in or something."

"Or something," Derek said.

"Anyway," Casey said. "It's dangerous out here at night."

"And buggy," Derek said. "A little wormy, too, maybe. You're gonna have to change out of those clothes or else you'll have worms and stuff crawl into your ears while you sleep and eat your brain. I mean I'm no expert, but I've heard of that happening."

"Ew," Casey said.

"Ew," Derek agreed. Edwin laughed, and Lizzie tried to glare, but Edwin's laugh was just a little more infectious than usual tonight, so she got the giggles, too.

"Seems like you've had first-hand experience with worms in the brain, actually, so you can't pass it off on a friend of a friend," Lizzie said.

"It _would_ explain a lot," Casey said. She tried to peek in his ear. "Ew, something just waved at me in there!"

"I wuv you too," Derek said, wrapping his arms around her. He tried to plant a sloppy loud kiss on her, at one point waggling his tongue, but she put up a fight.

"De-rek," she said.

"What" he said. "Not in front of the children?"

"Is this grossing you out as much as it's grossing me out?" Edwin said, not exactly meaning it.

"Yep," Lizzie said. It might have been giving her ideas actually.

"We should get lost," Edwin said. "Way too many geese hang out on this lawn anyway."

"Oh my God," Lizzie said, jumping up. If anything in the world was going to get her off the grass, it was the threat of animal droppings. People were pretty good about cleaning up after their dogs in the neighborhood, but you just couldn't keep ahead of the geese. "I think I need another shower," she said.

"Nothing got on you," Edwin said. He twisted around, trying to check his own butt by the porchlight. Looked like a dog trying to chase his tail. "How bout me?"

"You're okay," Lizzie said.

"Maybe just to be on the safe side, though," Edwin said, the grin of the Devil himself spreading across his face. Lizzie decided to go with it.

"Yeah maybe we do need a shower," Lizzie said. She put an arm around Edwin's shoulders and led him in. They were halfway up the stairs before Derek and Casey caught on.

"Wait a second!" Derek yelped, still not in complete control of his voice.

They ran up the rest of the way, both laughing. They went toward their respective rooms to change into their pjs, but before they got there, they ran into Marti on her way back from the bathroom.

"We didn't wake you up, did we Smarti?" Edwin asked, guilty.

"Nope," Marti said.

"You sure?" Edwin said.

"Uh-huh," Marti said. "Why? What were you doing?"

Lizzie had the distinct feeling that Marti knew exactly what they were doing. Her window looked out directly over the yard.

"Nothing," Edwin squeaked. Marti's smile widened. Lizzie blushed.

"You must really be tired, though, huh Marti?" Edwin asked, nodding his head.

_Way to lead the witness, Edwin_. Lizzie thought.

"Whatever, Edwin," Marti said, going back to her room. "And Edwin," she said, turning back to him from her doorway.

"Yeah, Smarti?"

"What's the Champagne Room?"

Edwin paled. "The.." he began, then cleared his throat and began again. "The Champagne Room?"

"Where'd you hear about that, Marti?" Lizzie asked.

"Didn't you see it?" Marti said. "There's post its on your door and the games closet and the bathroom," she said pointing to each. Lizzie'd noticed a flash of yellow on the games closet door, but hadn't stopped to look at it.

"And they all say 'Champagne Room.' " Marti finished.

Lizzie grabbed the one off of the closet door and the door to her own bedroom. She decided then and there that she really hoped that Derek enjoyed his Chinese food because it was sure to be his last meal.

"So?" Marti asked. "What's the Champagne Room?"

"It's—" Edwin tried. He squinched his eyes shut, trying to think fast.

"Something out of one of those books Casey reads," Lizzie lied.

Marti wrinkled her nose. "Oh, okay," she said, and went back to her room.

Lizzie pulled a still pale Edwin back into her room, shutting the door. Edwin sat on the floor.

"I'm gonna kill him," Edwin said.

"How dare he get us back," Lizzie joked.

"How'd he even hear about the champagne room thing?" Edwin whispered.

"Gives new and disturbing meaning to the phrase 'Big Brother' doesn't it?" Lizzie said.

This was when Edwin started laughing. Lizzie joined right in.

"That asshole," Edwin gasped. "We gotta get him back."

"How?" Lizzie asked.

"Dunno," Edwin said. "We can put up our own sign on the bathroom door, just in time for Dad and Nora to come home."

"Would they get it?" Lizzie asked.

"Dad would," Edwin said. "We can make it look real professional and laminate it. Then I can hide in the games closet with the camera and get some stills of Dad's face when he reads it. Or we can put it up a little earlier and get shots of Derek's face when he sees it. If we're lucky, Casey'll be in the shot too. We can really bring out the red of her face on the computer."

"You're such a paparazzo," Lizzie said.

"Nah," Edwin said. "Their shots are all grainy and at weird angles and stuff. _My_ shots look good. I can make it look like _National Geographic_."

"Yeah, okay," Lizzie said. "There is that. Even _Derek_ said your pics came out good."

"Yep he did," Edwin said. His voice was just a little too nonchalant to fool Lizzie.

"Is that why you've been in such a good mood?"

"Huh?" Edwin said. "No."

"Oh, it _so_ is," Lizzie said. "Your brother, your _older_ brother, also known as God, paid you a compliment."

Edwin laughed. "You're nuts."

"Yeah," Lizzie said. "Says you."

"Tease me all you want woman," Edwin said. "I know the truth."

He chased her around the bed until she got her door open and they both collided directly with Derek.

"Thought you two were changing clothes?" Derek asked.

He sent them to their respective bedrooms, stationing himself outside of Edwin's door as Casey stood watch outside of Lizzie's. Casey winked at Lizzie before she shut her door.

"Hurry up and change. There's a movie coming on after _SNL_. We can finish the Sesame Noodles," Casey said.

The four of them stayed up till about 3am watching TV and decimating the leftovers.


	30. Chapter 30

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I have no claim on _LWD_ or it's characters, nor do I have any claim on _Little Shop of Horrors, Faust_ or Haagen Dazs.

Chapter Thirty

Part One: Casey

Monday

The Audrey Two puppets were huge and unwieldy, and Casey couldn't help but be a little afraid of them, flopping as they did on one side of the stage. The puppeteers were coming in the next day, and then she knew she'd be able to see the puppets for what they were. In the meantime, she couldn't stop herself from scooting by the things as fast as she could as if they'd reach up and slurp her out of the air like a fly. She felt the same way about large statues and deserted carnival rides. They were just plain creepy. Still, she had almost suggested that Edwin might want to set up his camera inside one of them, but she got the feeling that he didn't want to touch the things either. He and Lizzie preferred their musty old armoire.

She knew that Derek saw the way she ran by the biggest one and that he was dying to make fun of her, but he'd had another speech therapy session that morning and was still a little embarrassed about it, so she knew there'd be no mockery until he was over that.

Really, this fear of puppets was getting to be just the icing on the cake of one miserable rehearsal. Jack kept making Casey do her scenes over and over, and everyone's patience seemed to be wearing thin with her and she just didn't know what they _wanted_. So when Jack called a break, she asked Derek.

"You're doing everything too big," he said, without hesitation.

"But this is theater, and you're supposed to—"

"I know, but you're still doing it too damn big. It's cartoony,"he said.

"But what do you _really_ think?" Casey asked.

"_You _asked," Derek said.

"But—"

"And that accent,"

"Hey! What about the accent?"

"It's causing me physical pain," Derek said.

"You ain't seen nothing yet," Casey said, raising a fist. Derek smiled. The fact that he still thought she was cute when she was angry was really infuriating.

"Stop it!"

"What?" Derek said.

"Smiling!" Casey said, smacking his arm.

"Who's smiling?" Derek said, his smile widening. Then he tried to get serious for a second and that more than anything else got Casey smiling.

"I'm completely serious," Derek said, his mouth wobbling. She racked her brain to remember why she was mad in the first place, then it hit her.

"You're 'completely serious' that I'm the worst actress ever," she said.

"Here we go," Derek said. He took a deep breath and put one hand on her arm, stopping her before she could unleash the tirade she was preparing. "Take a second. Try this: this Audrey chick. What would she be like if you saw her sitting next to you on the bus?"

_Huh?_ Casey thought. But it was an interesting question. She took a second to picture it. "So she'd be sitting there, with her cleavage and and all of her hair," she began. "And she'd be taking up as little of the seat as she could."

"What if someone asked her to move?" Derek said.

"She'd jump like the seat was on fire," Casey said.

"And why is that?"

"She doesn't want anyone mad at her," Casey said.

"Okay," Derek said. "And why does she date this creep she's dating?"

"Because he has a good job and she feels like he's the best she can get," Casey said.

"Even though he beats her?"

"Yep," Casey said.

"So," Derek said, fiddling with his camera. "Would that girl do _any_ of this?" He showed her some of the footage. She saw herself doing a lot more posing than acting. She smiled too often. Years ago, she'd had a teacher, Miss Johnson, who told her never to turn her back on the audience, and she could see now that she took that just a pinch too seriously. She practically had her back to Chris when he was _talking_ to her.

"Dammit," Casey said. "Why didn't anyone tell me any of this before?"

"People were just trying to get their lines down before," Derek said. "One thing at a time."

"Oh, God," Casey said, covering her face. "Could you maybe turn that off, now?"

Derek killed the playback and did some more fiddling around until he had the camera ready to go again. "Casey," he said. "Caseeeey." He put an arm around her. "Come on."

"Worst actress ever," she said.

"Save the drama for the stage, princess," he said. "If you were the 'worst actress ever' then no one would've cast you."

"This is community theater," Casey reminded him, looking at him through a gap in her fingers.

"I'll show you the audition footage again later," Derek said. "It'll remind you of what you were up against. In the meantime, you'll just have to trust me that there were standards, okay?"

"Can I butt in here?" Jack said.

"Please," Derek said.

"We're going to start up again in a few minutes, but meanwhile I'm walking around to talk to everyone individually. Little pep talk, if you will," Jack said.

"Kay," Casey said.

"What were you guys talking about," Jack said. "If you don't mind my asking."

"Derek was talking about how I'm the worst actress this side of Madonna," Casey said.

"You make Madonna look like Glenn Close," Derek teased. Then he ducked as she went for his head.

Jack didn't seem to get that they were kidding at first. "No," he said. "Casey's great! I've done about ten of these little productions and I think Casey's one of the most promising I've seen."

Derek cocked an eyebrow at her. It might have meant "See? Told you so," or it might have meant "How full of shit is this guy?"

"So what were you really talking about?"

"I asked Derek what he thought of my performance so far," Casey said.

"And?" Jack asked, turning to Derek.

"I'm in the doghouse," Derek said. Casey narrowed her eyes at him. "Okay, okay," he said before Casey had a chance to smack him again. He told Jack about the questions he'd asked Casey about her character and how he'd shown her some of what she'd done that day.

"Wow," Jack said. "So when I had us all together again, I was going to lead a discussion on the characters, and I hate to say it, but—their motivations," He cringed here like he expected someone to hit him. "But I'm thinking, that maybe _you_ should do it, Derek."

"What?" Derek said.

"Oooh," Casey said.

"I really like your 'what if Audrey were sitting next to you on the bus' line of questioning, and I fully intend to steal it later, but for now, I think that if anyone can get a good discussion going, it's you," Jack said. "And you haven't been yelling at people all night, so they still like you, and they'll be more likely to listen to you."

"Nobody _ever_ listens to me," Derek said. "Ask Casey."

Casey nodded. Jack laughed.

"Come on," Jack said, grabbing Derek by the elbow. "Up you get. Time to play Coppola."

"Which one?" Derek said, trying to stall.

"Any Coppola you want," Jack said. "I will see if my lovely wife would mind doing camera duty—Leslie? Darling? Light of my life???" He went over to the piano to bug her.

"Light of your life, huh?" Casey heard her say. "What do you want?"

He bent closer and whispered something in her ear which got her smiling and nodding.

"So," Leslie said as she walked up to Derek and Casey. "Spielberg is it?"

"I think it's Coppola today," Derek said.

"Are you going to want this in Master shots, or shall I take a few close-ups?" she teased. She held up both hands in a framing gesture. "Dutch a few angles?" She skewed her hands ninety degrees to the right.

"You all just live to mock me," Derek said. "Nobody loves me."

"Aww." Casey put her arms around him and gave him a squeeze. "Better?" she asked.

"Not yet," he said. She squeezed him again. "One more," he said.

"Don't push it, Venturi," she said, but gave him one more hug.

"Now I'm good," he said.

Derek did his best to make the walk up to the stage look like the Green Mile, but once he was up there, he was okay.

Part Two: Derek

There was a time that Derek would have liked nothing more than to have a bunch of people looking right at him, but this wasn't that time. He had ideas on what they could do, definite ideas. He had, however, done only one play in his life. And because of that, he felt pretty sure that _he_ was the worst actor ever, not Casey. He had video to prove it, if he could wrestle it away from Edwin. So he could find no reason for any of these people to listen to him.

"Um," Derek said. People sat in clusters around the stage and when Derek opened his mouth, a few walked over and sat in front of him. Like kindergarten.

"Why do I feel like I should have a copy of Peter Rabbit in my hands?" Derek said. People laughed, a good sign.

"Okay, so Jack figures you're all about to beat someone up," Derek began. "And he'd rather it be me, so..."

"How bad were we?" Chris asked.

Derek grinned. "Let's just say that I have some..._suggestions_," Suddenly his hands had a mind of their own. He tried jamming them into his pockets.

He went through the group of the principle cast and asked them about their motivations.

"Since you're not getting paid; it might not be so obvious," he said. People had ready answers, just as Casey did.

"So what if you ran through a couple scenes and pretended you were doing an indie drama?" he said. He expected people to laugh at him, and they did.

"An indie drama in which a big green plant wants to eat us?" Chris asked.

"Yep," Derek said. "Sounds a bit like Kevin Smith, doesn't it?"

"John Waters," Sheldon said.

"Eli Roth," Derek said.

"Yeah, that'd be cool," Sheldon said.

"Anyway," Derek said. "My point is, what if you wanted to play it straight for a couple of scenes? This is no longer a musical about a cute green plant."

"It's based on _Faust_, I think," Chris said.

Derek shrugged.

"Dude sells his soul to the Devil?" Chris said. "Extremely famous work, remade over and over again?"

"I'll take your word for it," Derek said. "So I'm thinking that if you tried to play it like that, that maybe you'd be able to go back and not be so giggly and..."

"Cartoony?" Casey said.

"Yeah," Derek said. "That."

So by some miracle, they wanted to try it.

He ran them through a handful of scenes. He made Casey sing "Somewhere That's Green" a capella, something he was exceedingly glad to have gotten on video. Once he showed it to her later, she'd be in a much better mood. She cried a little while she sang, and that set off a chain reaction. He heard widespread sniffling, and from his peripheral vision, caught a couple of people wiping their eyes. He, of course, never took his eyes off of Casey. He thanked God that he was one of the few who held it together, barely.

After she was done, his voice betrayed him, though.

"What time," he squeaked, then cleared his throat and tried again. "What time is it?" The battery on his watch had died about a week before; he could get it replaced for five bucks, but he kept forgetting to do it. He looked down at his naked wrist.

"It's 10:25," Jack said. "Think this is a good place to leave it for today, Derek?"

"Um, yeah, I think so," Derek said.

Part Three: Jack.

After everyone scattered, Jack turned to his wife, who, after she relinquished Derek's camera, turned to him with a wide and ultra-readable grin.

"Am I right, or am I right?" Jack said.

"Yeah, okay," Leslie said. "Try not to rub it in."

"But do you _believe_ this kid?"

"He's going to be something else, isn't he?" Leslie said. "Think he knows about that contest?" She was referring to the ad that had been hanging on the bulletin board near the door since mid-June.

"I'll ask him tomorrow," Jack said. The place had all but emptied out when he saw Edwin and Lizzie leave their usual spot behind the stage.

"Hey Edwin, Lizzie," he said as they passed. "You guys know about the short film contest thing?"

"Uh-huh," Lizzie said.

"Think your brother does?" Jack said.

"More than likely,"Lizzie said.

"Are you guys entering?" Leslie said.

"Dunno," Edwin said.

"_Yes_," Lizzie said, nudging Edwin.

"When's your curfew?" Leslie asked.

"Twenty minutes," Edwin said, looking at his watch a little guiltily.

"So I'm guessing you need a ride," Leslie said.

Part Four: Emily

It was Sheldon's turn to drive everyone home again. As he drove, Emily couldn't resist turning around and peeking at Derek who was rapidly falling asleep on Casey's shoulder. He leaned on her as far as the seatbelt would allow, and he would have been snoring in another minute if Emily hadn't said some magic words.

"I kinda feel like ice cream,"she said.

Derek slid one eye open and looked at her.

"Do you mean it?" he said.

"There's a Haagen Dazs about three blocks from here," Sheldon said.

"You guys game?" Emily asked.

Derek was suddenly sitting upright, rubbing his eyes.

"I would say so," Casey said. She reached over and smoothed part of his hair down.

"Why do I get the feeling that the words 'ice' and 'cream' would bring Derek out of a coma?" Sheldon said.

"Not as fast as the word 'thong' though," Casey said.

"Did not need to know that," Sheldon said. He made a turn and pulled into the parking lot.

Opening night was in two weeks. Emily kept turning the date over in her mind; she just couldn't believe things were moving so fast and she couldn't figure out how they'd be ready by then. The next weekend, there would be more set painting and dress rehearsals would start. That made her think of one loose end that needed to be taken care of as soon as possible. She brought it up as soon as they'd all gotten their ice cream and found a table that would fit the four of them.

"Chris said that he's going to help with the sets again this weekend," Emily said.

"Yeah?" Casey said.

"Do you guys know anyone else we can ask to come help?" Emily asked.

"Someone with some nice shoulders perhaps?" Casey said.

"Uh-oh," Derek said.

"Yenta alert," Sheldon said.

"Michael Weissmann?"Emily asked.

"Taken, I think," Casey said.

"Stewey Stevenson?" Emily asked.

"He's gay?" Casey asked.

"Duh," Emily said. "But he's boring. Cory Plunkett?"

"Ew," Casey said. "No. I would not inflict him on my worst enemy."

"Tinker Tomlin," Emily said.

"He's still crushing on Casey," Derek said.

"Yeah, but I thought that he was crushing in a Barbra Steisand, Liza Minelli, Ashley Tisdale sort of way," Emily said.

"You think so?" Casey said.

"I do," Emily said.

"Think he'd let us set him up?"

"Wait," Derek said. He put a hand up to one temple like this was too much information for his brain to hold. She expected him to beg for a change of subject.

Instead he said: "I think I have someone."


	31. Chapter 31

And the Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I will once again state the obvious and admit to having no claim on _LWD_ or any of the other stuff I mention.

Chapter Thirty-One

Part One: Derek

Derek stared at the computer screen. The deadline for submission really wasn't for another month or so, but, for the first time in his life, he didn't feel like procrastinating. He needed to see that he had something he could use, something impressive. His ego would allow nothing less.

At that moment, his ego was giving him a lot of grief. He thought everything he's shot since he got the camera looked like shit. He could have saved his father a lot of money and used his camera phone for all the technique he was showing here.

He said none of this out loud, of course. Casey, who was currently sitting next to him, would go into cheerleader mode, and, really, there was only so much of that that she could do, and only so much of it that he could stand. Plus, insecurity was a waste of time. His Dad always told him that. He did listen _once_ in a while.

His little behind the scenes documentary about the play wasn't a problem. As long as everyone was in focus and he didn't cut the tops of any heads off, all would be well.

But his short film was kicking his ass.

"Know what?" he said. "I think it's time for a break."

"What'd you have in mind?" Casey asked, running her hand up and down the back of his neck. That actually wasn't what he'd been thinking, but he was up for it. He got up and kissed her, spinning her swivel chair around as he moved toward his bed. He sat down and pulled her on top of him.

In the midst of making out, Casey decided to make conversation.

"So," she said as he nibbled on her earlobe, "when we were talking about hooking up Chris with someone. Who did you have in mind?"

He stopped mid-nibble. "Is this what you call pillow talk?"

"I dunno," she said, rolling off of him. "It just kinda occurred to me just now, 'cause you know I'm really happy, and that makes me want to make other people happy, so I must yenta."

"You've been hanging out with Sheldon too long," Derek said. "_Yenta_. Is that even a verb?"

"The point is," Casey said. "Poor Chris is not making out right now. Probably everyone else we know is."

"I don't need that mental picture, Case," Derek said.

"You think it's just as cute as I do, admit it," she said. Derek rolled his eyes.

"So who were you thinking of?" she asked.

"I dunno if it's the best move anymore," Derek said.

"Who is it?" she prodded.

"Promise not to laugh?"

"I make no promises, but you _will_ tell me." Casey pinned him to the bed.

"Okay, okay," Derek said. "Think for a minute..."

"Just tell me!"

"Nope," Derek said. "Out of the guys I hang out with, who is the most likely to be gay?"

"Out of the guys _you_ hang out with?" Casey said. "Take a number. I have to wonder about guys who play with big sticks and shower together."

Derek groaned. "I guess I walked right into that one."

"Yes, you did."

"But out of that group of guys who _shower together_," He cringed a little at that. "Who would seem just a little more interested than most. Or let me try another tack. Who is the one who tries the hardest to deny it by hitting on anything in a skirt."

"_You_," Casey teased. He flipped her the bird.

"Who else?"

"Ralph?" Casey said. "No!"

"Yes," Derek said.

"Really?" Casey said. "He must be terrified."

That was the last thing he expected Casey to say, but once she said it, he realized how completely and absolutely true it must be.

"Maybe," he said. "His folks don't look like the type to join PFLAG."

"Oh my God," Casey said. "That is so sad."

"So should we probably leave him alone, then?" Derek wondered.

"No!" Casey said, kneeling on the bed again, one hand up, index finger extended. "Hell no. He deserves to be happy just like anyone else, even if he probably needs to keep it a secret for another year or so till he's out of the house. Why should he be alone?"

"You're scaring me," Derek said.

"Nuh-uh," Casey said. "We have a job to do."

"We do?"

"Yes, we do," Casey said, leaning in for a quick peck. "But first, a little fact checking. I'm gonna go see what Lizzie and Edwin are up to."

She got up and he followed her, first to Edwin's room, then to Lizzie's to look for them. Eventually, they found them in the driveway, kicking a soccerball. Casey got in the middle and stopped the ball with one foot.

"Talk to you guys for a second?"

"This doesn't involve money, does it?" Edwin said.

"Grrrr," Derek said. Edwin smiled.

"Actually, we just have a question that we need your opinion on," Casey said.

"Shoot," Lizzie said.

"Should we go inside?" Casey wondered.

"Air conditioning," Derek said.

"Nuff said," Edwin said.

They sat down at the kitchen table. The cool air hit them like a tidal wave. Edwin sighed theatrically, like there was little else that made him this happy.

"So," Edwin said. "What are we talking about?"

"Okay, so remember over the weekend when we made you guys help us paint sets?" Casey asked.

"I still have paint in my ear," Edwin said.

"So remember Chris?"

"He was cute," Lizzie said. Edwin looked annoyed, but then seemed to remember that Chris was no threat.

"Well," Casey said. "Remember the way he looked at Sam?" She was dancing around the subject too much.

"And Sam went off with Brianna," Lizzie said. She made a get-to-the-point gesture.

"Casey wants to set Chris up," Derek said.

"Don't put it all on me, you do too!" Casey said. "And so does _everyone_ else."

"And you're telling us this because..." Edwin said.

"We have a candidate," Casey said. "See, we thought about whom we could ask to help us finish the sets next weekend, and Derek had an idea of someone to ask."

"Who?" Edwin asked. Derek had the distinct feeling that Edwin was playing dumb.

"What do you guys think of Ralph?" Casey asked.

"He'd have to work through his crush on Sam, but maybe this is a good way to do it," Edwin said.

"What?" Derek squeaked. "Sam?!?"

"Yeah," Lizzie said. "You didn't know that?"

"Um no, I didn't know that!" Derek said. "Sam?!?"

"What're you jealous that he wasn't crushing on you?" Lizzie teased.

"_No_," Derek said, meaning yes. What was wrong with _him_ that Ralph pined over _Sam_? He really did have the biggest ego in the world, he realized.

"_Any_way," Derek said, getting back to the task at hand. "Think he's ready to be set up?"

"You'd have to go slow, but yeah," Lizzie said.

"Good enough for me," Casey said. "Do you need a new guitar pick Derek?"

"Huh?" Derek said. Then he caught on. "Ohhh, yeah I could use some strings, too."

"I think we need to go to the mall," Casey said. "You guys wanna come?"

Part Two: Casey.

They went directly to Musicville, where Ralph had recently started working.

Casey worried for a minute that this would be his day off, but they saw him through the window. Ralph nodded to the group of them as they walked in. Edwin and Lizzie dispersed and Ralph came up to Derek and Casey.

"Welcome to Musicville," he said. "Can I help you lovely people find something today?" He said this in a hilariously artificial tone of voice that Casey couldn't resist tossing back at him.

"Why yes, young man," she said. Derek snorted. "Would you perhaps be able to show us where you keep the guitar equipment in this fine establishment?"

"Ooh, you're_ good_," Ralph said. "You need a job?"

"Ask me again in August," she said. "What we need right now is some guitar stuff and to know whether you're working on Saturday."

"Okay, the guitar stuff is over here, follow me, and what?" Ralph asked.

"Saturday," Derek said.

"Heey, it talks! Thought you lost your voice again for a sec," Ralph said. Then he shrank back from Derek's glare in mock fear. "Kidding," he said.

"Are you working Saturday or what?" Derek said.

"Pretend like you're buying something," Ralph said.

"No I need some new strings and stuff, too," Derek said, pretending to look over different packages, even though he knew exactly what he needed. "But answer the question."

"Yeah, I'm working, like, _every_ Sunday, so it's the least Barry could do to let me off on Saturdays," Ralph said. "The Fender stuff's on sale."

"Good to know," Derek said. "So Saturday..."

"Yeah," Ralph said.

"We need your help," Casey said, batting her eyes at him. Then she remembered what they were after and why, and realized what a waste of energy that was.

"Yeah?"Ralph said.

Casey nudged Derek. "Um, we need people to paint sets for that play Casey's in," Derek said. "Sam did it last week, and I figured since _I_ was stuck doing it..." Casey smacked Derek's arm. "That you could help and we could maybe hang out."

"Who else is doing it?" Ralph asked.

"Sam, Emily, Sheldon, us, a couple other people," Casey said.

"Any girls?" Ralph said. Casey suppressed an eyeroll, but didn't quite make it. He didn't read it right anyway. "What? You can't expect me not to ask what's in it for me!"

"Of course there will be girls," Derek said. "In tank tops, even."

_And we'll tell Chris to wear a wifebeater_, Casey thought.

"So, yes?" Derek asked.

"Um," Ralph said, handing Derek a guitar cleaning kit and a marked-down songbook. "Let's get someone to ring that up for you."

"Okay," Derek said. "But about Saturday?"

"Yeah, okay," Ralph said. Casey squealed and threw her arms around him.

"Thank you, ma'am but we have _all_ new releases on sale," Ralph said.

"Cut the crap, Ralphie," someone said from behind the counter. "Like I don't know those are your friends."

"Busted," Derek said.

"I suppose you want his discount, too," the guy said.

"Duh," Derek said.

"Looks that way, Barry," Ralph said.

"Okay, get your butts over here before it gets busy," Barry said.

"It's noon on a Tuesday," Ralph said. "What is this 'busy' of which you speak?"

Barry rang them up and Derek took out his wallet. He'd finally been paid for that week's worth of work at Good Deal and as small as the check had been, Casey knew it was burning a hole in his pocket.

"The Nickelback songbook?" Barry said. "You _finally_ got someone to buy the Nickelback songbook? You're a genius Ralphie!"

Ralphie grinned. Derek glared. Casey thought Ralphie was a little smarter than they gave him credit for.


	32. Chapter 32

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with _LWD_, _The Thornbirds, Little Shop of Horrors_ or _Friends_.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Part One: Casey.

Friday

Time was starting to fly a little too fast for Casey's taste. Opening Night was really starting to loom, and she still didn't have "Suddenly Seymour" down. She felt like the weakest link. This was different from her usual opening-night freak out. It was starting earlier than ever. What was worse was that she still had another week to go.

Derek, of course could be counted on to do his utmost to take her mind off things. She had at least one hickey to prove it. During one such hoover-session she finally smacked him on top of the head.

"De-_rek_," she said. "As much as I appreciate your trying to get my mind off of my neuroses..."

"Don't give it another thought," he said. "I enjoy it."

"I was gonna say," she said. "I need to concentrate."

"Concentrate on making out," he said.

"I should be rehearsing," she said.

"It's three o'clock," he said. "Rehearsal's not till six-thirty."

"Yeah, but I need the extra help," she said.

"No you don't," he said, working his way toward her neck again.

"Derek, seriously!" she said.

"No more rehearsing until the actual rehearsal," Derek said. "Otherwise you'll start to sound like me, and we don't want that, now do we?"

"Derek."

"Okay, how bout this," he said. He got off the bed, opened the door, and yelled, "Ed!"

They heard floorboards creaking as Edwin came from his room to Casey's.

"You bellowed?" Edwin said.

"What would you say if Casey wanted to run through her song again?"

"Casey would wash my mouth out if I spoke freely," Edwin said.

"What's that tell you?" Derek said.

"That I'll go into the garage and close the door, so it won't bother you guys," Casey said. That was usually where Derek went to do the vocal exercises the therapist made him do. Even if she stood right outside, she could just barely hear what he was up to. Of course, she pretended not to hear any of it, not that she thought he had anything to be ashamed of. They were helping, too. He couldn't have yelled for Edwin the way he just had even the week before.

"Nope," Derek said. "You're gonna stay right here if I have to sit on you."

"Jeez, could you guys at least wait till I leave the room before you start with the kinky stuff?" Edwin asked.

"Ew," Casey said.

"Exactly," Edwin said.

"Derek, that totally wasn't funny!" Casey said.

"You're right," Derek said, suppressing a snort. "That was disgusting! We know Edwin would be completely traumatized by the image of any so-called 'kinky stuff,' wouldn't you Ed?" He went over to Casey's dresser. "Where'd you say you put the handcuffs, Case?"

"Ew, ew, ew," Edwin said. "Now that that's burned into my brain so completely, maybe I'll look into the priesthood."

"Got to go to church before any of that happens," Derek said.

"And Lizzie would be really unhappy with that," Casey said. "Unless you wanted to pull a _Thornbirds_."

"A _what_?" Derek said.

"_The Thornbirds_," Casey said. "It was a book. Priest has an affair with a woman over a bunch of years. Think it was a movie, too."

"Only _you_ would read something like that," Derek said.

"It was Mom's," Casey said.

"I'm getting outta here before you guys gross me out any further," Edwin said.

"And we gotta go get Smarti," Derek said.

Marti herself proved to be a welcome distraction. She even dragged Edwin away from his computer to tell stories from the Continuing Adventures of Marti at Summer Camp.

"So then Dimi picked up the tennis racket, and Ricky served him the ball and Dimi hit the ball, and the ball hit Ricky in his..." Marti looked a little embarrassed as both Derek and Edwin winced in sympathy for Marti's tennis instructor.

"He had to walk around with an icepack for the rest of the day," Marti said. "But then after that we danced, and Dimi can't dance. You know we should get Emily to teach him 'cause it's really embarrassing. And then we had archery, but the target was wet and the suction cups wouldn't stick to it, but it was so funny cause they took out the velcro one and it's old and the velcro's dead. But then we had potato chips with lunch so that was cool...ooh and I heard a joke..."

Casey wondered if she should be writing all of this stuff down because Marti was a born storyteller and she'd never think to do it herself. Even though Marti was eight, and her stories had no sense of order to them, they still kinda enjoyed watching her tell them. The kid made being eight years old sound like the best thing in the world.

She even sang a song the counselors taught her group. It turned out to be the theme song to _Friends_. Casey guessed the counselors weren't too big on imagination. But Marti was crazy about the song. She sang it screechily off-key without caring that she was mixing up the words and having the time of her life. Marti thought it was funnier that way. She must've learned that one from Derek, who was fond of telling people that everyone in the family could at least carry a tune, except for him.

Marti passed the time pretty well, and then suddenly it was dinner time and soon it was time to leave for rehearsal, and Casey felt completely unprepared.

Part Two: Emily

Casey was being neurotic, but that was to be expected. Somehow seeing Casey freak had a calming effect on Emily herself. She was happy focusing on getting Sheldon through the one or two dance steps he needed to learn and using that as an excuse to molest him.

"I think we can run that one more time," Emily said, after he'd finally gotten it down. She pulled him close.

"Yes, Dear," he said.

"Should we leave the two of you alone for a bit?" Chris said, from right behind Emily. She jumped a little and Sheldon laughed.

"I wouldn't say no," Sheldon said.

"Yeah, I can tell," Chris said. "Before it becomes even _more_ obvious, baby, y'all wanna cool it." Emily felt her face get hot, but that was nothing compared to Sheldon's. They sprang apart, and shortly after that Jack called everyone together.

He told them they were starting with "Feed Me (Git it)" with David and Chris, and the puppeteers. Em and Sheldon sat in the wings to watch. During the couple of run throughs of that song, Emily tried to picture Chris and Ralph together.

Earlier in the week, Derek had told them about his suspicions. It had caught Emily by surprise, and Emily was never caught by surprise. With all the research and observation she's done over the past couple years, she thought she had a pretty good handle on her classmates. She'd been the first to know about Stewey Stevenson, and one of the first (outside of their family) to know about Casey and Derek themselves. But Ralph had gotten right by her. She'd just thought he couldn't keep a girlfriend because he was clueless.

_Guess, I can't win em all_, she thought.

"So what's the plan?" she asked.

"No idea," Derek said. "I was hoping you'd have some ideas."

They'd held a strategy meeting at Smelly Nelly's after rehearsal that Tuesday. Sam was in on it. And Sam was the one who dropped the bomb of the night.

Derek had just told them that he thought Ralph was gay, and Emily could see him steeling himself against the gasps that he obviously thought were coming, when Sam said:

"Yeah, I know."

"You _know_?" Derek said.

"Yeah," Sam said, biting his lip. "He sorta..."

"Oh my gosh," Casey said. "He made a move on you didn't he?"

"No!" Sam said, wide-eyed. "No,no,no, he _told_ me."

"He _told_ you?" Derek said. "When?"

"I don't know, like, seven months ago, maybe," Sam said, eyes squinched shut.

"Well," Derek said. "I guess that's good to know."

"He swore me to secrecy," Sam said.

"Mmhmm," Derek said.

"Stop looking at me like that," Sam said. "He was really stressing out and needed to tell someone, and I was there that day."

"Where was I?" Derek said.

"I don't know," Sam said. "It might've been when you had the flu."

"That was a really long time ago," Derek said. "You couldn't have filled me in?"

"Dude, he told me not to," Sam said. "I should've played dumb now, but you had it figured out—and, you know, he was going to say something, then he just didn't."

"What stopped him?" Emily said.

"I dunno," Sam said.

"That's really sad," Casey said. "He was so scared. I was afraid of that."

"Did he not think we'd have his back?" Derek said. "I've known him almost as long as I've known you. Did he not trust me or something?"

"Derek," Emily said. "We're kind of getting off the subject here. We were talking about _Ralph's_ feelings, not yours."

"What I was talking about, _Emily_," Derek said, shooting lasers at her. "Was whether I haven't been a good enough friend to him and because of that, something important got by me when I could have been there for him."

She had nothing to say to that.

"Do you think he's ready to come out, _now_ though?" Sheldon asked. Everyone looked at him like they'd forgotten he was there. He ignored that. "I mean, if he's really that scared."

Sam threw up his hands. "I guess he'll have to sooner or later."

"But is he more scared, or more horny?" Derek asked. "That is the question." Sam laughed.

"What we should figure out is what it is that he's scared of," Sheldon said. "If he's afraid of his folks, then we can't do much about that. But if he's scared of the rest of _us_, well, then...he's a dumbass, 'cause none of us are what you'd call intimidating."

"Speak for yourself," Casey joked.

"But if he _is_ scared of what everyone would think of him, then, we can at least show him that we're with him, yes?" Sheldon said.

"How do we do that?" Emily asked.

"He's coming on Saturday," Casey said. "No two ways about that. So we can either let nature take its course, or we have 'the talk' with Ralph."

"Ralph will run like hell if you say anything to him," Sam said.

"So we'll cross that one off the list," Sheldon said.

"Don't wanna ambush Chris completely, either," Casey said. "But then again, we don't wanna get his hopes up either in case Ralph chickens."

"Okay, well _you_ can talk to Chris," Sheldon said.

"What?" Casey said. "No! What would I say? What does one say for something like that? I don't have nearly enough time to plan that conversation!"

"You don't have enough index cards, either," Derek said.

"This is serious!" Casey said.

"Not _that_ serious," Derek said. "You have kind of a habit of beating around the bush, and the planning thing makes it worse. You're not going before Parliament, Case. Just relax." He started to massage her shoulders. "Reeeelaaax."

"You're trying to distract me," Casey said.

"Uh-huh," Derek said. "What's your point?"

The plan started to come together. Sam volunteered to keep an eye on Ralph since Ralph clearly trusted him. Casey was going to talk to Chris. By Friday, the suspense was killing Emily.

Emily pulled Casey aside during a break.

"Well?" Emily asked.

"Chris says he's in," Casey said. Then they both squealed and did a happy dance.

"He doesn't think anything will happen between them, though," Casey said. "But he said that he was willing to help talk to Ralph if we need him. I think he just doesn't want to get his hopes up with a closeted guy."

"Hope he's wrong," Emily said.

"Me too," Casey said. Then they resumed their happy dance.

"I just thought of something I should've asked before," Chris said, breaking in on them.

"What's that?" Casey said.

"What's this tragic waif look like?"

Casey and Emily looked at each other and laughed.

"Wait a sec," Casey said, pulling her phone out of her pocket. She scrolled through her menu and pulled out some pictures. "He's in the middle," she said, handing the phone to him.

"Hot damn," Chris said. "Kill me now."

Part Three: Sam

On Saturday morning, Sam waited outside of Ralph's building, trying his damnedest not to pull out his cell phone and nag Ralphie to hurry the hell up already. When Ralph finally got to the car, Sam heard Casey's voice in his head: _Tell him to go change out of that T-shirt_, the voice said. _Shut up_, he thought. _We're painting sets not going to the friggin prom!_

Plus, sending him back would delay them that much further and he really wanted to get this day over with. And he had to introduce Ralph to Brianna. She'd been out with Sam twice in the past week, and wasn't sick of him yet. That boded well.

When they got there, the first thing they heard was Derek and Casey arguing. They came closer and saw both of them surrounded by green felt, pipe cleaners, and construction paper.

"Case, come on," Derek said. "Will ya just take the scissors and cut out some damn leaves, this is not the damn Mona Lisa, just do it real quick and move on!"

"I can't help it," Casey said. "I'm a detail person."

"No one can see the little veins you're painting in from the audience," Derek said.

"_I_ can see them," Casey said. Derek ran a hand through his hair, disrupting some bits of paper that had been stuck in it.

Then Casey, seeing Sam and Ralph got up suddenly, sending all manner of art supplies flying. She hopped over the cardboard box they'd been throwing the leaves into and grabbed both of them at once. Then, Sam noticed, Casey looked at Ralph's shirt with a touch of disappointment. He tried not to laugh.

"What's funny?" Casey said.

"Nothing," Sam said. "Thought of something I saw on TV last night. Conan O'Brien."

"Oh well," Casey said. Then she turned to Ralph. "That shirt's so _big_ on you; why do you wear it?"

"'Cause it's old and I don't care if I get paint on it?" Ralph said. Derek snorted.

"Yeah, okay," Casey said. "Makes sense. Well okay, then let's go see what you'll be doing today, worker bee."

"Worker bee?" Ralph said.

"Sometimes it's best not to ask," Derek said.

"I keep forgetting that," Ralph said. As Casey dragged him off by one hand, he turned back to Sam in a "rescue me" sort of way.

"She's been more hyper than usual, today," Sam said.

"Don't I know it," Derek said. They watched Casey squirrel around, introducing Ralph to everyone, making sure she lingered on Chris. Then she sent the both of them off to finish one of the facades.

"Quit pacing," Derek said. "Go over there and finish painting the backdrop. It'll be easier to listen from back there."

"Good point," Sam said.

Part Four: Chris.

The reasonable part of Chris's brain had made him tell Casey that there was no way anything was going to happen with this kid, as cute as he was. Then he saw Ralph's smile and the more insistent horny part of his brain piped up.

_This will not happen_, Chris though while he directed an equal amount of wattage back at Ralph when they were introduced. _See I can beam, too._

"Well," Casey said, breaking his train of thought. "I guess I have to leave you two kids alone. Gotta go supervise Derek before he glues himself to something."

"Again?" Ralph said. Then when Casey was out of earshot, he said. "He'll glue his hand to her ass."

"Are they always like that?" Chris said.

"No," Ralph said. "Sometimes, they're a little nuts."

Chris laughed. "That's good to know."

"Happy to help."

Ralph reached up to reattach a bit of the fake brick that was coming loose near the top of the insert and as he did, his shirt rode up a little exposing a plain, but oversized belt buckle, the top half-inch of his boxers, and just the tiniest hint of six pack. _Are you trying to mess with me, God?_ Chris thought.

"Have you ever done something like this before?" Chris asked.

"Paint?" Ralph said. "Once or twice, yeah."

"Ever been in a play?"

"I played a tree in second grade," Ralph said. "Didn't wanna be, but everyone had to have a part, so I couldn't get out of it."

"What was Derek?"

"A dog, I think," Ralph said. "Sam got the stomach flu. We both tried to catch it from him, but it didn't work."

"So you're not really theater people," Chris said.

"Derek was in a play last year. He thought it would be good to chase girls, but then he ended up having to actually, like, _do_ stuff and he wasn't happy. They wanted him to sing."

"He sang?" Chris said. "_I_ wanna hear him sing!"

"No," Ralph said. "Trust me, you _don't_." He told Chris about their on-again, off-again band, and about it's revolving door lead singers.

"We have Sheldon for now," Ralph said. "But he can come to his senses at any time."

"Tell ya what," Chris said. "That one has the sexiest voice ever. Makes me hot." He said that, while Sheldon was walking by, and he couldn't resist adding, "And he has a cute ass, too."

Sheldon blushed. A little to the left of them, Emily yelled, "That ass belongs to _me_!"

"I love to mess with them," Chris said. "I keep saying, too bad that kid's a breeder."

"Can't win em all, I guess," Ralph said, one side of his mouth quirking up. Now he was getting nervous, Chris could tell.

"I know," Chris said. "What about you?"

"Sheldon's _definitely_ not my type," Ralph said.

"Right back at you buddy," Sheldon called.

"Who is?"

"Hell if I know," Ralph said, after a pause.

Part Five: Sam.

"What do you think?" Emily whispered to Sam.

"I dunno," Sam said. "What do you think?"

"They locked eyes," Emily said. "Did you see that?"

"Maybe," Sam said. "But Ralph looks really really nervous." He took out his cell phone and texted Derek to go outside and call Chris's phone. Derek did as he was told and after a minute, they watched Chris excuse himself to take the call. Sam then drifted over to Ralph.

"How you doing?" he asked.

"'Kay," Ralph said, idly painting a beam.

"What do you think of Chris," Sam said, getting right to the point.

"Seems okay," Ralph said. "Why?"

The least Ralph could do was make this a little easier on him. The last time he tried to confront someone about something like this, it really didn't end well, so Sam was frustrated that he found himself doing this again.

"I mean," he began. "What do you _think_ of him."

"What am I supposed to think of him?"

"Quit playing dumb," Sam said.

"Who's playing?" Ralph said.

"I was wondering if you might, possibly, like the guy a little."

Ralph's eyes got big, right on cue. "Dude!" he said. "What the hell? I thought you weren't going to bring that up again!"

"Because he might just like you," Sam said, as if Ralph hadn't spoken.

"Too bad for him," Ralph said.

"Why?" Sam asked. "Why not just go for it?"

Ralph shook his head. He put the paintbrush down and turned to look around him. Casey turned around just in time for him not to catch her. But something still seemed to click.

"That's not why I'm here, is it?" he said. Ralph had his blond moments but this wasn't one of them.

"What would you say if I said yes?" Sam said.

Ralph stopped himself a split second before he rested his forehead on the painted wall. He turned away and ran a hand through his hair. "So you told."

"They figured it out," Sam said. "What happened was, Casey and Emily wanted to hook that guy up with someone, and somehow everyone settled on you. They knew before they brought me into it."

"Uh-uh," Ralph said. He looked a little green. "Bullshit."

"Because they want you to be happy," Sam said. There was an abnormally long pause in which Ralph hyperventilated and sat down on the floor.

"Should I get you a paper bag?" Sam said. Ralph shook his head.

"Did you hear what I said, though?" Sam said. "We want you to be happy. You're not happy. You should be."

"This is not happening," Ralph said. Sam looked around suddenly desperate for a little help. Emily came over. She knelt down next to Ralph.

"Hey," she said. "What do you wanna do? Do you wanna take off? Let's go to the back for a sec. Derek told me it's pretty private. No one will bother us all there." She signaled to Casey, who promptly dropped her stuff and came over.

In the back room, Ralph looked around and said, "Is there anyone left out there?"

"A couple of people, but we won't be long, anyway," Casey said. She was texting as she said this, before Derek popped up, she said : "Just a heads up? Derek's gonna kick your ass for not telling him."

For some reason, that got half of a smile out of Ralph.

"Damn right," Derek said, when he came in. He smacked Ralph on the shoulder. "Seven months?"

"Not the time," Sam said.

"And if I did tell you?" Ralph said.

"I would've said okay, and then told you not to hog the fries or whatever," Derek said. "What the hell do you think I would have said?"

Ralph said nothing.

"Did you think I would've ditched you?" Derek said. "Because if I had, and believe me I would never do that, but if I had that'd just make me a shithead. There is no need in this world to look for anyone's approval on this, and you just wasted _way_ too much time lying about it. If anyone knows about denying shit, it's me. It's not a good thing."

"Poetic as usual, Derek," Casey said, but she wiped her eyes when she said it.

"Bite me," Derek said.

"Later," Casey said.

"How bout now?" Derek said.

Emily nudged Sheldon to say something, since he suddenly seemed to be the only holdout.

"What?" he said. She nodded toward Ralph.

"Puh-leez, I'm not talking to him," Sheldon said. "He said I'm not his type."

Ralph laughed, and Sam breathed normally for the first time all day.

When they dispersed and Sam brought Ralph back out to where Chris was painting some fake molding, Chris turned to him very seriously and said, "So listen, you're what, sixteen?"

"Seventeen," Ralph said.

"I was nineteen when I came out. Last year. You take all the time you need. But you need to pick up a damn paintbrush now, okay?"


	33. Chapter 33

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I have no claim on _LWD_ or _YouTube, iTunes, Little Shop of Horrors, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, _Barbie_, Harry Potter, Hairspray_, or any of the songs I reference ("Sympathy for the Devil," Life is a Highway" or "People"). These disclaimers are just getting longer and longer. Sorry about that.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Part One: Derek

Derek had not lifted his nose from its spot directly in front of his computer's screen for several hours, while Casey was at the mall. He sat down under the pretense of editing together more of his masterpiece, but had taken several breaks. Not all of them were spent looking at stuff on _YouTube_, he rationalized. Some of them were spent on_ iTunes._

At least one break, though, had been to send an email to one Dennis McDonald.

He wrote:

_Your ridiculously gorgeous and talented daughter (she's not reading this over my shoulder, but she does have me well trained) will be starring in (God help us) Little Shop of Horrors, in a few days. She said she'd tell you about this, but knowing her, she didn't. Because she's neurotic._

_See? Told you she's not reading over my shoulder. _

_My question is, how many copies of the upcoming DVD of the show, produced, directed and edited by...well...me can I put you down for? _

_Let me know what you think,_

_Derek._

Twenty minutes later, he got a reply.

_Greetings, Creepy Boy Who Had Better Keep His Hands off of My Beautiful Daughter if He Knows What's Good for Him (I'm a pacifist but I can make certain exceptions, don't forget that),_ Dennis wrote.

_Little Shop of Horrors, huh? God help us, indeed. When's Opening Night? I'm guessing Friday or Saturday. I think I can finagle a trip up there. Save a couple of tickets, would ya? _

_Don't tell her._

_You know, I don't care what people say about you, Creepy, you're okay._

_Dennis, father of those who must be obeyed._

Things were falling into place. Derek had even gotten the owner of Smelly Nellie's to take out a full page ad in the playbill, filling both his, and Casey's quotas. He'd even gotten the old man to spring for a couple of matinee tickets after Derek had reminded him of the charming girl who'd dumped ice water into his lap.

"I like the kid as long as she's not carrying beverages," he'd said.

"Me too," Derek said. "How bout a DVD?"

"Don't push your luck."

He went back to his editing avoidance for a bit, then did some actual editing. Then Casey poked her head into his room.

"You had better not be on _YouTube_ when you're supposed to be working, Slacker Boy," she said.

"Who," Derek said. "Me? Work, work, work all day long."

"Uh-huh," Casey said, skeptically. "Maybe I should save this for later. It'll interrupt your groove."

"Save what for later?" Derek asked. Her face was giving nothing away. This could be something very good or very very bad, but suddenly he really wanted to know what it was.

"I don't know," she said, eyebrow up. "Aw, what the heck."

She opened the door the rest of the way revealing the littlest of little black dresses. It was a sixties style sleeveless dealie that made Derek think of old Barbie dolls. The go go boots were the only things missing.

He stared at her, speechless for a second, one corner of his mouth slowly rising to a half smile.

"I don't like it," he said.

"What?" she said.

"I think you should take it off immediately," he said.

"What?!?" Casey yelled. "De-_rek,_ if you knew how damn long I walked around looking for this dress and it's not like you helped or..._oh_," She caught on.

"Nice try," she said.

"_I _thought so," he said. "Now come on, before you get it all wrinkled. Off with it." He reached for the zipper.

"De-rek!"

"I'm just trying to save ironing time," he said, starting to nuzzle. "I would've thought you'd be happy. No one ever appreciates how thoughtful I can be."

"No hickies," Casey said. "And I do know how thoughtful you can be, but what you're being right now is full of crap."

"But I'm cute," Derek said. "Riiight?"

"Yeah, okay," Casey said. "Maybe a little."

"Mhmmm," Derek said, reaching for the zipper again.

"We gotta get Marti," Casey said, pushing him back a little.

"Emily said she would," Derek said.

"What about Lizzie and Edwin?" Casey asked.

"They're at a movie," Derek said.

"Let me hang this up," Casey said.

"I have hangers here," Derek said. "Almost never used."

This time she let him get hold of the zipper.

Part Two: Edwin.

Edwin was learning that a very good way to get his girlfriend to forget about him was to take her to see _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_.

_Well, duh, amateur_, his imaginary inner Derek said. _You wanna make out, take her to a shitty movie, not one she actually wants to see!_

He'd kinda liked the movie, too, in spite of himself. He'd probably always carry a little Emma Watson crush, but frankly he'd been just the tiniest bit disgusted when the theater erupted into hoots at the first shot of Daniel Radcliffe. Apparently the way to a teenage girl's heart involves posing shirtless in front of horses and releasing the pics to the Internet. Who knew it was that simple.

On the way out of the theater, Lizzie put an arm around him, breaking his train of thought. She was still a little cold from the air conditioner overload, and the feel of her arm on the back of his neck gave him the shivers.

"So," she said. "When do you think the DVD'll come out?"

"I dunno," Edwin said. "Christmas."

"Hmmm," Lizzie said. "We should go see it again, during the week, then."

He groaned. They got to the bus stop just as it was pulling up.

"How's that for timing?" he asked. "Our chariot awaits." He bowed at the waist and let Lizzie go first. One woman carrying huge bags of what looked like bedspreads rolled her eyes. Edwin let her pass, too.

For his trouble, he was given just enough time to pay his fare before the bus pulled abruptly away, knocking him into a pole and partially onto the lap of a very large and disgruntled looking man.

"My bad," he said, hoping the guy wouldn't pound him.

"Happens to the best of us," the guy said, adjusting the remains of his newspaper.

Edwin made his way to Lizzie, who'd taken one of the last seats.

"Here," Lizzie said, getting up.

"Nope," Edwin said.

"You've already fallen down once," Lizzie said.

"I'm used to it," he said. There were only about...ten stops to go. Nothing to it. The bedspread lady moved her bags nearby in case he needed to break his fall.

When Edwin and Lizzie got home, they found Casey sprawled across the couch, paperback in hand, girl music blaring from the stereo. They passed her on the way to the kitchen. On the way upstairs, Casey stopped them.

"What movie'd you see?" Casey asked.

"Harry Potter," Lizzie said.

"I wanted to see that," Casey said. "Why didn't you guys wait for me?"

"We can go again," Lizzie said.

"Go again, where?" Derek asked on his way downstairs.

"They saw Harry Potter!" Casey said.

Derek said, "Ron and Hermione get it on yet?"

"De-_rek_!"Casey yelped.

"Like you don't like watching em fight," Derek said.

"So do you," Casey said.

"Nah," Derek said. "I just wanna see what McGonagall and Filch got going on when no one's looking."

"Ew!" Lizzie said. Casey laughed.

"Dude, _what_?" Edwin said. "That could not be more random."

"Nope," Derek said. "Think about it. She can turn into a cat. He has a thing for cats. You _know_ I'm right."

Edwin actually stopped to think about it for a minute, then decided to go upstairs and see if he couldn't wash his brain out with soap.

"Why do you smell like fruit punch?"Lizzie asked Derek.

"Ran outta shampoo, had to use you guys'" Derek said.

Edwin stopped on the stairs and looked at Casey, who, he just noticed also had wet hair. He put two and two together.

"Ugh," Lizzie said, under her breath.

"Exactly," Edwin said.

"Hey," Derek said. "Real men do not shy away from the fruity shampoo."

Edwin decided to let Derek pretend that that was what made him and Lizzie cringe. "Whatever you say, Dereka."

"That reminds me," Derek said. "Casey has informed me that I'm taking her to see _Hairspray_ next week. _Lizzie_, do you think that you and Edwin would like to go?"

"Duh," Lizzie said.

"Crap," Edwin said.

"And because I'm such a great brother, the popcorn's on you," Derek said, grinning.

"Whatever," Edwin said. "I got stuff to do."

"Me too," Lizzie said.

"What kind of stuff?" Derek sing-songed.

"Stuff," Edwin said.

Derek raised an eyebrow.

"Get your mind out of the gutter," Lizzie said.

"But it's so comfortable there! Come on Liz," Derek said. "Haven't you ever heard the saying 'A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste?' I mean, they even put it on t-shirts."

"You're the Devil," Edwin said.

"'Pleased to meet you,'" Derek quoted. "'Hope you guess my name.'" He tried to ruffle Edwin's hair, but Edwin was too quick for him.

"Huh?" Lizzie said.

"Derek's been into Dad's CD collection again," Edwin said. "We should run before he starts telling us that 'life is a highway' or something."

"'People who need people are the luckiest people in the world,'" Derek said, following them up.

"Um, Derek?" Edwin said. "What're you doing?"

"Me?" Derek said. "Nothin"

"Why are you following us?" Edwin said.

"Moi?" Derek said. "Okay, so I just wanna talk to you for a sec."

"Talk to me?" Edwin asked. _This can't be good_, Edwin thought.

"Well, Jeez, Ed, don't look at me like that," Derek said. "It's nothing bad."

"If you say so," Edwin said. "Lizzie?" He didn't want her to go far.

Derek held his door open for Lizzie and Edwin. Once the both of them perched uncomfortably on the edge of his bed, while Derek wheeled himself over in his computer chair. He raised a finger in the air and opened his mouth, about to make a pronouncement, but then stopped himself and wheeled himself back over to his desk. He rooted around in a drawer, and finding what he wanted, wheeled back.

"This," Derek said.

"It's a flyer," Edwin said, straighfaced. It was the ad for the film contest.

"We've seen this," Lizzie said.

"And?" Derek said.

"And?" Edwin said.

"Are you gonna freakin enter it or what?" Derek asked.

Lizzie shot Edwin a pointed look; Edwin was expressionless. "Are _you_?" Edwin asked.

"Um," Derek said. "Probably yeah."

"What do you mean probably?" Casey said from the doorway. "Do we have to go over that again?"

"Okay, okay! I'm entering!" Derek said. "Happy?"

"Yeah," Casey said. "For now. So? Edwin? What do you say?" She said all of this knowing full well that Edwin was entering. She also had a pretty good idea of what he was going to submit. Derek, however knew none of this. All told, Edwin thought that Casey was doing a pretty good job with the secret.

"We knew about this a couple weeks ago," Lizzie said. "Didn't we, Edwin?"

"Yeah, okay, we did," Edwin said.

"So what're you gonna enter?" Derek said.

"What're _you_ gonna enter?"

"Are we gonna do this again?" Derek said. "I have some behind the scenes stuff that I'm cutting together. It should be funny. I hope. You've seen most of it already. I haven't seen any of yours."

"And you're not gonna," Edwin said. "Not yet."

"When?" Derek asked.

"Soon," Edwin evaded.

"Promise?" Casey asked.

"If you're good," Edwin said.

"You're not too big to noogie," Derek said.

"You're getting slow in your old age," Edwin said. Derek lunged for him, and Edwin took three huge strides to the door and ran like hell to his own room.

Part Three: Casey

"Yeah, he's gullible," Derek said. He leaned back in his chair briefly, catching himself before it tipped.

_Pot, meet kettle,_ Casey thought. She pretended not to notice the way the chair had almost dumped him. He caught her eye and smiled like "that didn't happen" and she smiled back. Lizzie looked from one to the other and got up to leave.

"I'm just gonna...go," Lizzie said. "See if there are any cookies left."

"Ooh I want some," Casey said, following her out. Then she turned to Derek and said: "You got work to do before dinner."

She followed Lizzie down and when they got to the kitchen Lizzie said: "How much you wanna bet that Derek's freaking out right now?"

"Edwin too," Casey said. "Too bad we're out of cameras. We could get footage of the two of them doing the exact same thing and run them split screened."

"Sort of a behind-the-behind-the-scenes?" Lizzie said. "Or in Edwin's case, behind-the-behind-the-behind-the-scenes. I'm getting dizzy."

"One thing, though," Casey said. "How's Derek gonna react to Edwin's movie? I've pictured probably three different ways he can react and they all seem likely."

"How many of them end with Derek on trial for killing Edwin?"

"Most," Casey said. "No, I figure the first thing that'll happen is, he'll cringe when he hears his voice on tape. He's getting a real complex about it; I tell him he's nuts all the time. So far, he's cut out all of the footage that he was in."

"_Derek_ did that?" Lizzie said.

"I know," Casey said. "I thought the heat was getting to him. He keeps saying stuff like 'the movie's not about me' and 'nobody wants to see me when they have dancing girls' and even six months ago, you know it would've been the opposite."

"Yeah," Lizzie agreed. "Who's that director that was in all of his own movies?"

"Take your pick," Casey said. "But I think you mean Hitchcock."

"Yeah, that's the guy. Used to introduce his own show, said 'Good _Eve_-ning' and made fun of his sponsors and stuff. That would've been Derek," Lizzie said. "Only bigger. It's kinda sad that he's not so hammy anymore."

"He'll get that back," Casey said. "Can't keep the Venturi ham gene down for long."

"I know," Lizzie said. "Look at Marti."

"He needs a kick start," Casey said. "And part of me is dying for him to see what Edwin shot, but I'm kinda scared, too."

"We still have some time to worry about that, though," Lizzie said. "It's not finished yet."

"Edwin has a decision to make," Casey said.

"What's that?" Lizzie asked.

"Whether to show it before or after he sends it out," Casey said.


	34. Chapter 34

And the Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with _Life With Derek_, YouTube, _Little Shop of Horrors_, or anything else I reference herein.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Part One: Lizzie.

"What do you mean?" Lizzie said. "He'd have to show the footage to Derek before he sends it. Doesn't he have to get his approval, or something?"

"Derek'll say no," Casey said.

"But," Lizzie said.

"What, do you think Derek would sue Edwin?" Casey asked. "Hire George, perhaps?"

"I'm not worried about Derek suing Edwin," Lizzie said. "I'm worried about Derek causing Edwin bodily harm."

Casey laughed. "Nah," she said. "He'll just chase Edwin around the block a couple times until he's tired, and maybe yell, but then he'll realize what a brilliant idea it was and cool off."

"I just hope you're right," Lizzie said. "Otherwise we'll be visiting Edwin in traction and all we'll be able to think about is how it was all our fault."

Part Two: Casey.

That night, at rehearsal, Susan, Jankowski-Stevens, a reporter from the local news channel, came to visit. She shot some footage of the group doing "Skid Row (Downtown)" and "Suddenly Seymour," and then she spoke to Jack.

Derek, ever the wiseass, came up to the reporter as she was setting up, pointed his camera at them, and asked her and her cameraman some questions. After thirty seconds with Derek, the reporter regressed to the age of thirteen. This supposedly poised, professional journalist giggled like a tween in the presence of a Jonas Brother. This type of thing never ceased to amaze and amuse Casey herself. Until he reminded Casey that he could still do it to _her_, that was.

"So," he asked. "Is it a slow news day?"

"As usual," Susan said. "But this is going to be a short segment on what's going on this weekend, and, frankly, you guys are it. Unless you count the antique fair and craft show at the convention center."

"Ooooh," Derek says. "Antiques? Craft fair, you say? Hear that, Case?" He turned to Casey, who was sitting nearby, and winked. He knew the effect the words "craft fair" had on her. She smirked at him.

"So," Derek said. "Can we put you down for some tickets then?"

"Of course," she said. "I actually love this type of thing."

"Do you now?" he said.

"I really do," she giggled. "Seems like you're interested enough, yourself."

"Well, ya know," he said. "When you have several friends and especially a girlfriend in a show, you become interested."

"Ahem," Casey said.

"I mean," Derek corrected. "I have a great passion for the theater?" He turned to Casey and she nodded.

"And why aren't you in it yourself?" Susan asked.

"Because what I _really_ want to do is _direct_," he said.

Susan loved that. She threw her head back and laughed. Derek cocked an eyebrow at her, then looked at Casey like "what is _wrong_ with her?" Because there was no way a line that old could get such a response. Casey shrugged.

"But it seems like you'd be a natural, Derek," Susan said.

"I'm not a musical kind of guy," he said. He pointedly didn't look at Casey. She could've disclosed the whole Pirate Pete debacle at any time. And Derek knew it. She was going to have so much fun holding that over his head later.

"But you're an actor," Susan said.

"Nope," Derek said.

Casey loved where this was going. She was even willing to forgive this woman with her bad highlights and her visible lipliner for flirting with her boyfriend.

"Where do you go to school?" Susan asked.

"Thompson," he said.

"You went to Thompson, didn't you, Ray?" Susan said to the cameraman, who nodded.

"He films sports there sometimes, too," Susan said.

Derek nodded.

Ray cocked his head and looked more closely at Derek. "What's your last name again?"

"Venturi," Derek said.

"You on a team?" Ray said. "Basketball?"

"Hockey," Derek said.

"That's it," Ray said. "Did we ever interview you?"

"Once," Derek said. "Like two years ago, for the playoffs, for about a second."

"Thought you looked familiar," Ray said. "You were the one who didn't get tongue tied."

Casey looked at Derek in shock. He'd never told her anything about this.

"See?" Susan said. "This is what I mean; you should at least look into majoring in communications. Maybe even a possible career in broadcasting, hmmmm?"

Derek gave a completely non-committal nod and a shrug.

"No seriously," Susan said. "You're well-spoken. You have a certain amount of presence, and can I tell you that your voice is very distinctive?"

_There goes the eyebrow again_, Casey thought. _This woman is no good at reading body language._ Casey wondered if she should interrupt before any poise Derek still had went completely out the window.

Derek grinned, and laughed unconvincingly, but before he got a chance to formulate a diplomatic answer, Jack popped up.

"Hey!" Jack said. "I'm so glad you guys could come! I'm sorry to keep you waiting but I see that Derek has been kind enough to keep you entertained, yes?"

Jack, Casey was reminded, was _excellent_ at reading body language and had spotted Derek stiffening up from across the room. Casey figured that Jack had planned to leave Derek with the reporter in the first place and had only put a stop to it because he'd sensed that there was a need.

"If you could call it that," Derek said.

"Very entertained, actually," Susan said. "I've been trying to recruit him into the broadcasting biz, but he doesn't seem to be biting."

"No, huh?" Jack asked. "Tried to get him into acting myself, but no soap. He does show a lot of talent on the directing end, though. He's contributed a great deal to this production."

Derek became interested in something on the back of his camera.

"I was actually wondering," Jack said. "If Derek wouldn't mind joining us for the interview."

Derek looked up, finally seeming to realize that he'd been ambushed. _Took him long enough_, Casey thought.

"Sounds good to me," Susan said. "Are you game, Derek?"

Derek glanced over at Casey, who nodded her head at him, willing him to say yes.

"We'll also need," Susan began, checking her notes. "Casey McDonald and Christopher Kostic,"

Jack corrected her pronunciation automatically: "Kos-tich," he said.

"Okay," Susan said. "I'll remember that."

Jack waved Casey over, so she got up, and he looked around for Chris and finding him, beckoned him over, too. Derek tried to inch away.

"So, what do you say, Derek?" Jack asked.

"Um," Derek said.

Casey came up behind him and put an arm around him. He turned toward her, a "for the love of God, rescue me"look on his face. She grinned.

"I think he'd love to," Casey said. She kept eye contact with him for a long moment, and it steadied him. Usually, he did that to her; she was really happy to discover that she could do it, too.

"'Um," Derek said. "Kay."

Part Three: Nora.

"Nor-aaa," Derek said for probably the fifth time. "Please don't play that again."

"I must," Nora said. "The two of you are just too cute."

_Thank God for DVR_, Nora thought. Neither of them had told her about it, she'd just happened to catch the local news that morning.

"And don't even think about erasing it, because I've already made copies," Nora said. "I have to learn how to post things on YouTube."

"I love how you say that knowing full well that I have that Karaoke footage from your anniversary," Derek said.

"Doesn't bother me," Nora said.

"You're not embarrassed knowing that there is proof that you know the words to "Because You Loved Me?" Derek asked. Nora shook her head.

"Well," Derek said. "You probably should be."

She hit him with a pillow.

"What is it with you McDonalds and your corporal punishment?" Derek said.

"I heard that," Casey said coming downstairs. She was pulling her wet hair into a ponytail and trailing the scent of fresh cut oranges behind her. She grabbed the pillow out of Nora's hands and gave Derek another whack for good measure.

"So why are we beating Derek up this time?" Casey asked.

"A couple reasons," Nora said. "Let's see...he made fun of me for Karaoke-ing Celine Dion at our anniversary dinner. He doesn't want me to replay the segment of the morning news that you guys were on, which reminds me..." She took the pillow from Casey and hit her with it.

"Ow?" Casey said. "Why are you hitting _me_?"

"For not telling me that you guys were going to be on the morning news!" Nora said, taking a second to whack both of them again. "This is something you inform your mother about."

"So it actually aired?" Casey asked. "Lemme see!"

Derek groaned and got up from the couch.

"You have editing to do anyway," Casey said. "And you need to make sure we don't need to make a tape run for tonight. And make sure you charge the batteries."

"Yes, Mommy," Derek said, making his escape. Casey always got a little naggy on the day of a performance, and this was opening night already. Nora couldn't believe it, herself.

She hit play for the tenth time, and showed the news segment to Casey.

"Ooh, look at Jack," Casey said. "Didn't I tell you he was cute? You should see him with his wife. Oh my gosh, and here's Derek!"

"He looks great, doesn't he?" Nora said.

"Did they use the whole thing?" Casey asked. "How long is it?"

"About six, seven minutes?" Nora guessed.

Casey became transfixed, listening to Derek talk about the cast and how much fun it's been taping them. He admitted that he wouldn't have looked twice at the play had his girlfriend not tried out.

"So it's Casey's fault if I get into drama now," Derek said to the reporter. He gestured at Casey and the camera turned to her and Chris for the rest of the segment.

"Ugh, look at my big shiny forehead," Casey said, turning away from the screen. "Chris looks all GQ of course. So how great did Derek come off?"

"Amazing," Nora agreed. "He sat right where you're sitting, in the fetal position, his eyes covered like this." She demonstrated. "His face turned a shade of red I've never seen on another human being."

"Awww," Casey said. "What'd he think of his voice?"

"Nobody likes their voice on tape," Nora said. "He might've cringed a little less than usual. I think he's getting used to it."

"And his voice is finally evening out," Casey said. "The reporter complimented him on it. She thought it was cute. He totally took it the wrong way, though."

"He would," Nora said. "But this is someone outside of his family and friends telling him for once. It'll sink in, I think."

"Eventually," Casey sighed.

They watched it twice more before they were interrupted by the phone. Casey picked it up.

"Dad!" she squealed. "Not much. Yeah, keeping busy. Quit it! You know you like Derek!" She giggled.

"Okay," Casey said. "Okay, know what? Here's Mom." She handed the phone over to Nora who tried to wave it away, but eventually took it.

"Dennis!" Nora said. "What a surprise."

"Yes, I _am_ full of surprises," Dennis said. "And before you say that that's not _all_ I'm full of..."

"I wasn't gonna say anything of the kind," Nora said, grinning.

"No, not you," Dennis said. "So listen, don't tell Casey, but I'm in London."

"Yeah, I hear it _does_ get really muggy in New York this time of year," Nora said. "Lots of humidity."

"Good cover," Dennis said. "Derek told me about the show. Casey did _not_, I might add. But I told him to save some tickets. And I have sense enough to sit where she can't see me from the stage; no worries there."

"Yankees are losing, huh," Nora said. "Since when do you root for _them_? I thought you liked the Blue Jays, you traitor!"

"So do you think she'd like daisies, or sunflowers?" Dennis asked. "I worry if those are too weedy, but it's weird if you get roses from your _Dad_, so..."

"Yeah," Nora said. "I'd go with my gut on that one. But you should stay away from mayonnaise if you're gonna be outside."

"What the hell does that mean?" Dennis asked. "This conversation is really getting surreal."

"It is," Nora agreed. "But I wouldn't worry. Just don't get too much _sun_."

"Okay," Dennis said. "Daisies it is."

"Yeah," Nora said. "I'm sure Lizzie'll be sorry she missed you too. She and Edwin went swimming, but I can have her give you a call tonight? After the game?"

"You're enjoying this aren't you?" Dennis asked.

"You know it," Nora said. "Talk to you soon?"

"Yep," Dennis said. "Love you."

"You too," Nora said. "Bye."

"Buh-bye," Dennis said as they hung up. Casey was going to freak. Now all Nora had to do was keep a straight face. Easier said than done. She broke into a grin.

"What?" Casey asked.

Nora hit play again.

"Lemme go see if Derek's up there actually _working_," Casey said, inching away from the couch, finally sick of the sight of herself onscreen.

A few hours later, when Edwin and Lizzie came home from the public pool, Nora renewed her interest in the footage, sitting them down as soon as they came in. She played it twice for them, enjoying their reactions. Lizzie bounced on the couch like Nora had the first time she'd seen it. Edwin, too cool for that, nevertheless looked like he wanted to bounce, too. She smoothed his wet hair down.

"No touchee," he said, ruffling it up again.

"Did you forget the sunblock?" Nora asked. He was getting so dark, obviously enjoying his status as the only one in the family who didn't burn like a lobster.

"No, we brought it," Edwin said.

"I made sure he put it on," Lizzie said. "_This_ time, anyway."

"So?" Nora asked. "What do you think of this?" She gestured at the T.V."

"Confirms something for me," Edwin said.

"What's that?" Nora asked.

"That he had the best idea ever," Lizzie said.

"I don't follow," Nora said.

"I'll explain later," Edwin said. "But it has to be when Derek and Casey are at the cast party."


	35. Chapter 35

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I don't own _Life with Derek_ and I really don't own _Little Shop of Horrors_ or _A Midsummer Night's Dream, _Tickle Me, Elmo_, _or Barbie.

A/N: Apologies for being all spoilery with the ending of Little Shop of Horrors for those who haven't seen it, or those who've seen the movie and not the stage version.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Part One: Derek.

Casey was in the midst of her opening night freakout. She paced her room muttering to herself, while Derek lounged on her bed, looking like he didn't have a care in the world. She'd be okay; she always was. The last couple of times this had happened, he'd been in the midst of his own freakout so he really couldn't remember what had calmed her down, but something had. Lizzie had come up to Casey's room at one point with one of those soy shakes that Derek couldn't even _look_ at. Without a word, she had put the thing on a coaster (Casey had coasters in her room...nuff said about that) and walked out.

Casey looked at the shake and then toward Lizzie's room.

"Are you trying to say I'm predictable?" Casey said. Derek laughed.

"Quit it, Derek," she said. "It's not funny!"

"It's _so_ funny," Derek said.

"Did I laugh at you before your whole Pirate Pete thing?"

"As a matter of fact, you did," Derek said, remembering. "A lot."

_That_ was what had calmed her the last time.

"Oh," Casey said. "Sorry about that."

"Why?" Derek said, a smile spreading slowly across his face. "Just because you get off on the idea of me humiliating myself in public?"

"De-rek!"

"Just because you couldn't wait to see me fall on my face," Derek said. "After I _begged_ for your help and everything."

"Derek," Casey said, guiltily.

"Never mind the fact that I was really asking for it," Derek continued. He moved forward to tickle her. He grabbed her around the waist, even as she tried to block him.

"Speaking... of... asking for it," Casey said, between giggles.

"And the fact that I stole the show right out from under you, even though I never could carry a tune in a bucket," Derek said, going for the spot right under her arm.

"Stop. Tickling. Me," Casey said.

"Or?" Derek asked, then found himself flying through the air and landing on her bed again.

"And for the record," Casey said, climbing on top of him and pinning his arms down, (not really pinning, but, as Edwin taught him, it didn't make sense to put up a fight,) "You 'stole the show' with_ my_ choreography, so don't go acting like you're all that, with your little whiter than white rap routine and your guyliner."

"Don't forget the swordfight," Derek said.

"Okay, the swordfight was cool," Casey admitted.

"Damn right," Derek said.

There was an ahem from the doorway.

"George!" Casey said, hopping off of Derek.

"Dad!" Derek said, imitating Casey.

George gave them the eyebrow. "Shouldn't you guys start heading out?" he asked.

Casey looked at the clock. "Oh my God!" she said. "Oh my God; Oh my God; Oh my God!"

Derek laughed.

"Where's my makeup?" she asked.

Derek picked up her weirdly heavy makeup case and handed it to her. The thing was only a little smaller than a boombox he used to have. Before she could ask about the costume, he picked that up, too.

"How 'bout I just bring these out to the car, and you grab the wig?" Derek asked, taking the makeup case back.

"Oh, um...kay," Casey said. "Thanks. Now where did I put that wig?"

Derek walked down the stairs all the while picturing Casey panicking about the damn wig, probably unable to find it even though it was in front of her nose. If she still didn't have it by the time he got back from the car, he decided he'd go get it.

He'd find the whole thing way funnier if he hadn't been just as neurotic as she was.

He passed her on the way back for his camera equipment. She had the wig on the creepy styrofoam head thingy that she had. Edwin had painted a pretty realistic face onto the thing and it reminded him of those disembodied Barbie heads that even terrified Marti.

Nora came out to the car before they pulled away. She was carrying a small insulated bag. When she got to the driver's side window she said:

"Sandwiches. And soy shake. You guys need to eat a little something, okay?"

Casey groaned, but Derek knew she would manage a sandwich. She was a hyperventilator; _he_ was the puker. _He_ could probably put away two sandwiches before anyone noticed. This wasn't _his_ thing, technically, so his stomach was as calm and, he realized, empty as could be. Nora did the thing where she kissed her palm and then tapped both of them. Both Nora and Derek ignored Casey's muttering about how this was the stupidest thing she'd ever done, and how she'd never get the accent right and how everyone was better than she was.

"Oh my God," Casey said as they pulled into the parking lot. "My shoes!"

"On the floor in the back," Derek said. He'd put them there himself. She wiggled as much as the seatbelt would let her and saw them in the footwell behind Derek's seat.

"Oh," Casey breathed. "Okay...Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"How are you so calm?"

"Dunno," Derek said. "'Cause I'm cool like that."

"Yeah," Casey said, rolling her eyes. "That's you."

"Mhm," Derek said. "Chillz."

He grabbed his camera bag and tripod and watched her try to juggle all of her stuff.

"Um, Case?" he said. "Why don't you give me some of that and we can take two trips?"

"Naw," Casey said. "I can do it."

"If you say so," he said. He slung the camera bag over his shoulder and started to follow her to the entrance. She made it most of the way before the wig flew off of the foam head. He caught it with his free hand.

As he followed her in, she repeated "I can do it" over and over again like a mantra. He let her. No amount of telling her that she'd be fine would work, so he didn't waste the time.

Plus he was a little distracted by the sight of the folding chairs set up in perfect rows and the little concession stand/ ticket table in the corner. Suddenly it became real and he no longer wanted any part of those sandwiches in the bag. He took a deep breath and tried to remember what the last thing he ate was.

The place seemed more or less deserted as he followed her to the little backstage area and found several people in a state of undress.

"Whoops," Derek said. He blindly tossed Casey's wig at a table and backed away, one hand over his eyes. It wasn't so much the half-naked guys—as a hockey player, he spent enough time in a locker room to have seen just about everything and could probably hold a conversation with a naked guy, no problem. But there were several beautiful women in their underwear and there was nowhere to rest his eyes without getting into trouble with Casey. Any other day, he would've stolen a peek anyway, but he was starting to feel more and more stressed and the thought never entered his mind.

He decided to go sit down someplace so that he could get his stomach to settle. After a couple of minutes, Sheldon and Emily appeared. Emily rushed past in a state similar to what Casey's had been and Sheldon took a seat next to Derek.

"Are you freaking?" Sheldon asked in amazement.

"Nope!" Derek said, just a little too fast. Sheldon laughed.

"Shut up!" Derek said.

Sheldon laughed harder.

"Don'tcha have to go change with the rest of the drama peoples?" Derek asked.

"Nope," Sheldon said. Derek turned to look at him. He had on a t-shirt and a pair of black jeans, black boots.

"Where the hell did you get the Fonzie jeans?" Derek asked. Their dress rehearsal had been a partial one, because a couple of people's costumes had been unfinished, so Derek was seeing some of it for the first time.

"These are regular jeans, but my sister took in the cuffs to make em...Fonzie-ish," Sheldon said. "And yes, I feel like an asshole in them, but I drew the line at this big honkin beltbuckle that Emily tried to get me to wear. I count that as a minor victory."

"What's in the bag?" Derek asked, gesturing to a small garment bag Sheldon was holding in one hand.

Sheldon unzipped it to reveal a black, beat-up leather jacket.

"My Dad's, believe it or not," Sheldon said. "Just got it out of storage last night."

"I cannot picture your Dad in that," Derek said.

"Me neither," Sheldon said. "But there _are_ pictures. Just _let_ the man make fun of my clothes. Oh and there's this, too." He unzipped the jacket to reveal a white dentist's smock.

"So I'm all set," Sheldon said. "Though I know that there's gonna be makeup in my future. I wanna avoid that as long as I can."

"Good call," Derek said. "What are you smiling at?"

"You're all nervous for Casey," Sheldon sing-songed. "That is so _cute_!"

"Well," Derek said. "I'm glad you think so, considering you're gonna be the one who has to prance around on stage and stuff in...half an hour? Good thing _you're_ so calm."

"_Prance_?" Sheldon said. "_Trip_, maybe, but not prance. And Emily's freaking out enough for the both of us."

"Then there's the dancing," Derek reminded him.

"We all know I can't dance for shit," Sheldon said. "No surprises there, so stop trying to psych me out, _Ass_."

"So I guess you'll be okay as long as you don't fall off the stage," Derek said.

"Again?" Sheldon said.

Just then, Emily appeared on the stage. She clickety-clacked her way to the front.

"Sheldon!" she said.

"Yes, Ma'am?" Sheldon said.

"Don't be a wiseass," Emily said. "Come on backstage, so I can put this goo on you."

"Oooh—" Sheldon began.

"Don't you dare say 'kinky'!" Emily said.

"I wasn't going to," Sheldon said.

_Bullshit_, Derek thought. Sheldon got up meekly and walked up to the stage so that Emily could drag him into the back.

Part Two: Casey.

There were several fans set up in the changing area, though, luckily it wasn't too hot that day. Emily and Chris busied themselves by running around and helping people with their makeup. Casey would have helped, but her hands were shaking too much and she didn't trust herself with pencils or little makeup brushes.

She did hair instead. She lined up hair products and brushes on one table.

"Now all you need is a tool belt," Emily joked.

"_You_ should talk," Casey said.

She sat Chris down and took a few swipes at his hair. She parted it down the middle and gelled it flat. Easiest thing in the world. She grabbed Brianna next, tying a scarf around her ponytail and fluffing her bangs a little before sending her on her way. Melissa got similar treatment.

Sheldon proved to be more difficult. Not that he wasn't obedient. He knew better than to piss off a woman with a roundbrush in her hand. It was his _hair_ that was the problem. For the past month or so, Emily had talked him out of getting a haircut that he'd so desperately needed since the beginning of the summer. Now that Casey had her hands in it, she knew why he usually kept it so short. She was a little afraid that it would eat her.

"I will get this into a d.a. if it kills me," Casey said.

"A _what_?" Sheldon asked.

"A d.a." Casey said. "Duck's ass. Popular among greasy dentists everywhere."

"Good to know," Sheldon said. When she was done, he looked at himself in the full length mirror and snorted laughter.

"My sister's gonna love this," he said, gingerly touching his crunchy hair. "I'll never hear the end of it."

"Isn't your brother coming?" Casey asked.

"Yeah," Sheldon said. "But he'll figure I've suffered enough and leave me alone."

Casey's own hair was braided as tight as Emily could get it, which, Casey kept thinking, wasn't tight enough, but Emily's repeated threats about what would happen if Casey redid her braids kept Casey from touching them. Emily did not trust Casey to do her hair, however. She'd heard too many horror stories from Lizzie and Marti. She wanted to be able to blink. Both were waiting till the last possible second to put their wigs on.

Mr. Castellucio. for his Mushnik costume, needed little help. Emily sat him down to give him a faux combover, some dark circles under his eyes, and that was about it.

They ventured out to warm up before the doors opened and let Derek laugh at them all. Casey noticed that he looked a little bit pale, but he waved her off when she asked him about it. She grabbed one of the sandwiches from him and ate it quickly before going backstage again.

Part Three: Dennis.

Dennis showed up at the house shortly after Lizzie gave him the "all clear" text. He came bearing gifts for all the kids, of course, ranging from a couple of paperbacks for Edwin and Lizzie to the flowers and a bracelet for the girl of the hour.

He was shown the news footage with Casey and Derek no less than three times and was given a copy to take home with him. He was surprised to realize that he couldn't wait to show it to people. While they killed time, Dennis amused himself by trying to tuck one of the daisies into Lizzie's hair. It just looked like it belonged there, but it kept sliding out until Marti pulled a barrette out of a drawer and helped Lizzie clip it in. He also tucked a couple into Marti's braids, all the while thinking of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. He also got in some "Psych Edwin Out" time, in which he raised one eyebrow and asked Edwin pointed questions about whether he had a job and a bank account yet and what Edwin's intentions toward his daughter were.

"I make a pretty decent income through usury and blackmail actually," Edwin told him. Dennis felt his "stern" face slipping and had had to bite the insides of his cheeks to keep from laughing. Under no circumstances did he think that Edwin was good enough for his daughter (but only because nobody would _ever_ be), but he had to admit that he was a boy after his own heart.

George snorted.

"Edwin!" Nora said, clearly trying not to laugh herself. She was pinching her arm. That's what she used to do when she tried to pretend that she was mad at Dennis himself.

"Did you want me to lie?" Edwin asked Nora, mock puzzled.

"Ignore him, Dad," Lizzie said. "We do."

"What's usury mean?" Marti asked.

"Look it up," Edwin sing-songed. This must happen all the time, Dennis figured, because Marti gave Edwin a dirty look and went to the bookshelf, pulling out a dictionary almost as big as she was to look the word up. Lizzie helped. Dennis watched with interest as Lizzie put the definition into plain English for the eight year old.

"It's what Edwin always does to Derek when he lends him money," Lizzie said.

"Oh," Marti said. "Why didn't you just say so?"

Dennis decided to give George and Nora a break, so he took the kids in his convertible, making Marti sit between the other two in the backseat. Both Edwin and Lizzie rolled their eyes.

They got there early enough to get parking before the lot filled up and were among the first in the doors when they opened. Derek met them at the door, grabbing Marti and swinging her around a little the first chance he got.

"Sme-rek!" she said.

He put her down. "Hmmph," he said.

"Wrinkling my _dress_," she muttered, giving him a friendly shove to show that she wasn't too upset.

"Women," he said. He put a hand on top of Lizzie's head, like he just needed someplace to rest it, but, Dennis noted, the kid was careful not to disturb the flower. Lizzie slapped it away.

"Hey!" Derek said, noticing Dennis standing there. He reached to shake Dennis's hand but was pulled into what Casey called a man-hug instead. Derek looked surprised by this, but Dennis thought, he should just consider himself lucky that he remained unnoogied. Edwin was not so lucky.

"How is she?" Dennis asked.

"Last I looked, she was pacing and fanning herself, and generally driving everyone nuts," Derek said.

"Right on schedule," Dennis said. He looked around and noticed that the place, while hardly packed, was slowly starting to fill. "I should grab a seat near the back before they're gone."

"One step ahead of you," Derek said. He pointed to his left to a seat in the corner, the only one in the back with a "reserved" marker on it.

"Perfect," Dennis said. "And it looks like I can keep an eye on you from there, too. Now we can put Lizzie with me and _Edwin_...I dunno...in Alaska—"

"Dad!" Lizzie said. Dennis looked at her innocently, shrugging.

"Then, after the show, we can make preparations to drop the girls off at the convent," Dennis said.

"And me and Ed at the vet to be fixed, right?" Derek asked.

"You've had this conversation before?" Dennis asked, grinning.

"Once or twice," Derek said. "Give or take five times."

The kid was quick; he had to give him that. Dennis had to admit that he was not this quick witted at that age.

"Well as long as you don't forget it, Creepy Boy," Dennis said.

"Yes, _Sir_," Derek said, mouth twitching.

"Do you know what I do to boys who facetiously call me 'Sir'?" Dennis asked.

"Facetiously?" Derek asked, dodging.

"Do not insult my intelligence, boy," Dennis said. "I know you've heard that word in connection with yourself before. Along with 'smarmy'. You think you're a bullshit artist, but you are an amateur."

"More like an apprentice," Derek said. "And I learn from some of the best."

Dennis cracked up at that. He just couldn't keep a straight face anymore.

"I don't know _you_," Lizzie said, pointing at Derek. "And I don't know _you,_" she continued, pointing at Dennis. "Come on, Ed, let's find a seat, someplace dark."

"Huh?" Edwin said.

"Oh come on, boy," Dennis said. "You haven't learned the two words every boyfriend needs to know to survive, yet?"

"What, you mean 'yes, dear?'" Edwin asked. "Please. I wrote the book on it. _Ow_!"

Lizzie whacked him and dragged him away.

Derek introduced Dennis to Jack Kiernan, the director of the play, then busied himself with some camera stuff.

"You have two excellent daughters," Jack said.

"Yeah," Dennis said. "Thanks. They get that from their mother's side, as much as I wish I could take credit. How do you know Liz?"

"She and Edwin were kind enough to help build our set," Jack said. "And Derek has been pretty invaluable, himself."

"Between you and me, I kinda like the two of em, Derek and Edwin," Dennis said. "I guess I won't have to kill em and stuff them in the trunk of my car after all."

Jack laughed. "Spoken like a true father of daughters. You sound unsettlingly like my father-in-law, if I'm being honest."

"I've been given the manual," Dennis said. They spent a little time shooting the shit about their respective jobs and about the Blue Jays. They were joined by George for some of this, until Jack excused himself to mingle with some of the other parents.

After a few minutes, Dennis, George and Nora sat down in a mini cluster. Lizzie and Edwin sat a few rows in front of them, and Marti sat with a group of people that Nora described as the Davises, her neighbors. They had a kid Marti's age. It was only a matter of time before George would have to worry about her. Dennis thanked God that she would be George's problem. Dennis himself was exhausted already.

Dennis leaned over to whisper:

"Usury and blackmail?"

George laughed. Nora shrugged.

"Blame him," Nora said, nudging George.

Part Four: Emily.

Emily couldn't resist peeking out from the curtain and picking out the relatives of everyone she knew. She saw the Schleppers; they were hard to miss, as were her own family and Marti. She saw someone who had to be Chris's Mom and found Sam and Ralph sitting not far from the front. She found Casey's Dad, but had sense enough not to tell her about it.

"What are you doing?" Sheldon said from behind her. He tried to sound suspicious, but he didn't really pull it off.

"Who me?" Emily said.

"Bad Em," Sheldon said. "Dare I say naughty. That is so hot...meanwhile, who'd you see?" He changed subjects on a dime. It took a second for Emily to follow what he said.

"Who didn't I see?" she said. "It's filling up!"

"Really?" Sheldon said, peeking. "Wow. I think someone might've spilled the beans about your little sequined dress. Word got around."

He got a kiss for that. There was a reason she left her lipstick off till the last second.

"Places!" Jack called.

Emily quickly swiped on her lipstick, stuffing it back into her capri pants and running like hell to the back of the theater as soon as the lights went down.

She heard Dave Epstein's reverb-enhanced voice over the loudspeaker.

_Shit_, Emily thought. She linked hands with Brianna and Melissa. Brianna winked, and the piano kicked in.

The three of them skipped down the center aisle as they sang the first song, turning and walking backward to face the audience halfway down.

Brianna managed to grab Sam's hand real quick on her way down the aisle, and Emily had just enough time to pinch Dimi's cheek lightly before she met the others onstage. They nailed the harmonies and the dance steps, but Emily recoiled a little at the applause. It was louder than she expected it to be.

Part Five: Derek.

_One down_, Derek thought, taking a breath. _I dunno how freakin' many to go_. He was positive that the tripod was one of the best inventions ever because there was no way in hell the camera'd be steady otherwise.

Chris popped up with Mr. C., said their lines, did a few pratfalls, Derek didn't know for sure because all too soon, Casey made her entrance and that was really all he saw for a minute or ten. He wisely kept the shot wide even though he wanted to go close up on Casey and stay there. _Were there other people in this show?_ He thought. _Meh_. Even in that dopey Barbie wig, Casey made him hold his breath.

She'd finally dialed that accent down a little, he was relieved to notice. She'd come so ridiculously far since they'd started, so that even if he hadn't been utterly whipped, he wouldn't have been able to take his eyes off of her. It occurred to him that _nobody_ could take their eyes off of her.

Until Sheldon popped up, that is.

Derek heard a mini-squee from the audience—it _had_ to be the kid's mother. Derek hoped that the little noise would be picked up by the camera's microphone, because it was just too perfect. Sheldon had his solo, letching his way across the stage, clearly eating up numerous catcalls.

Soon, that "Somewhere That's Green" song came up and Derek heard the first sob from the audience. He didn't have to look to know that it was Nora. He smiled. He'd tease her about it later.

One thing that he really couldn't believe was how seriously the cast had taken most of his suggestions. He hadn't expected any of them to listen to him at all. What did he know after all? He had zero directing experience outside of bossing his little brother around. These were people who'd mostly had a good bit of theatrical experience, so there was no reason for them to do much more than humor a little pissant such as himself. But they took his advice.

There was one near-disaster. During the scene where Sheldon was supposed to beat Casey up, she tripped and fell into him. For a split second, Derek thought, Sheldon, being Sheldon, would have gone over onto his ass from the domino effect, but he _caught_ her. Not only did he catch her, but he ad libbed:

"And now the dumb broad can't even walk straight!"

"I'm sorry, Doctuh," Casey said.

"What am I gonna do witchoo?" Sheldon said. "Almost knocks me over!" He pretended to smack her one extra time.

A minor miracle.

Part Six: Casey.

Sheldon dragged Casey off stage, aiming slap after fake slap on her face, her head and whatever else was available. Once they were safely off stage and out of sight, she hugged him.

"Oh my God," she whispered.

He laughed. "Dude," he whispered. "Thought I was gonna die!"

"I can't believe you caught me," she whispered.

"Me neither!"

"You are such a rockstar," she whispered.

"Yes, I am," he whispered back. "Now if you don't mind, I really do have to go die."

Casey straightened her wig and her dress, and she and Em watched Chris and Sheldon do the next scene. Emily was transfixed, the way she usually was with him.

Sheldon got huge laughs from the audience as he picked up the gas mask and put it over his head, pretending to turn it on and taking a huge breath, laughing hysterically.

Little did people know that that was his regular laugh. Few people, outside of his family and Emily, of course, knew that Sheldon really did turn into a tickle me Elmo once he really got going. It was a lot of fun to watch.

Then he "died" to huge applause and the curtain came down for intermission.

Casey had just enough time for a bathroom break before she had to be in place for her next number, "Closed for Renovation."

Right after that was "Suddenly Seymour." She was terrified of "Suddenly Seymour."

Chris was perfect; he always was. He hadn't needed much direction. But Casey herself had been another story. Derek had been telling her for weeks to find her "inner Mary J. Blige" to deal with the song. And really, Derek of all people should have known that Casey did not have an ounce of Mary J. Blige in her. Casey thought that she was so hopeless that if a drop of Mary J. should enter her blood stream, her body would reject it. She prayed that she wouldn't disappoint him. He seemed to have so much faith in her.

That said, she didn't think she'd done too badly. She even managed to kiss Chris on the mouth without giggling, even though she'd been terrified of that all week.

"You're the queen," Chris whispered in her ear after the kiss.

The applause at the end of the song ran for more than a minute. She'd actually been able to count to sixty while it was going on. Chris blushed, turning almost purple, and Casey felt her own face get hot. Even though she was sure that most of it was for him, the applause felt pretty good.

In between her scenes, she got to watch Dave provide the voice of the Audrey Two puppet. A couple of times, he caught her watching and did a little dance for her. They'd even managed to dance together, briefly.

Her death scene came, and both she and Chris cried for real, mostly out of relief, she thought. The finale didn't come soon enough for her. She knew that she'd be happy once she got this first performance out of the way. It was always smooth sailing for her after opening night.

As Emily began the last song. Across from Casey, Chris fanned himself exaggeratedly, mopping at his forehead and leaning on Sheldon, who shoved him off. The group of them tangled themselves in the vines of the Audrey Two puppet in time for the spotlight to hit them. Casey, Chris, Sheldon, and Mr. C. each had one more solo and then the curtain finally came down.

And to Casey, it sounded like the end of the world. There was screaming, clapping, stomping and general pandemonium from the audience. She untangled herself from the puppet and ran for the wings.

She tried not to cry during her curtain call, but then, there was the ultimate dirty trick: her Dad appeared at the foot of the stage with flowers. There was no keeping it together after that.

After everybody's curtain call, it took a while for the applause to die down; then there was an encore of "Suddenly, Seymour." The curtain came down again.


	36. Chapter 36

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Chapter Thirty Six

Part One: Derek

He got it all on tape. Casey's face when she recognized her father coming toward her with flowers was so indescribably goofy that he just had to zoom in. Nobody would have believed that a human face could turn so Picasso-esque all by itself if he didn't capture it.

_Any second now_, he thought. _Yep, here we go_.

She burst into tears. Obviously, these were happy tears, not unlike the ones that inevitably followed a viewing of _Love, Actually_ or something like that, but he still felt twitchy and wouldn't be able to relax until she stopped. She crouched down to grab the flowers and give her Dad a really ginger hug (that makeup she had on ran like cake frosting) but he pulled her into a real hug, getting a little mark on the shoulder of his t-shirt for his trouble.

She sobbed and giggled her way through the encore of "Suddenly Seymour." Chris was about three seconds from breaking down right along with her. The guy laughed in embarrassment as he slung his arm around Casey. Both of them were a little off key for part of it, but no one seemed to care.

Casey would say that Chris was perfect for Ralph. Derek could picture the both of them, weeping at chick flicks for all eternity. He hoped Ralph went for it.

It took his entire lifetime before he could get backstage. First there was the audience, who seemed hell bent on blocking his every chance of getting to the door. Then there were the people who wanted to talk to him. One of them, thankfully was Edwin, who said he'd take the camera home. The kid seemed shocked that Derek had actually said yes, like he didn't expect to be trusted with the task. Did he think he was delivering a kidney to the hospital or something? He could dump off a camera, no big deal.

Then there was the matter of Sam and Ralph. Derek thought there was a chance that Ralphie didn't know that he was going to the cast party. And he _was_ going; if they had to drag him, he was going. Sam, of course, didn't need to be told twice; he knew Brianna would be there.

When Derek reached them, he said:

"So the two of you can just follow me in the car, right?"

"Mhmm," Sam said.

"Where we going?" Ralph said, right on cue.

"Chris's parents' house, dude," Sam said. "Cast party. And you're_ going_."

Sam read Derek's mind.

"And now that _that's_ settled," Derek said.

"Who said anything about 'settled'?" Ralph said.

"And now that that's settled," Derek repeated. "I have to go get yelled at."

"Not beaten up?" Sam said.

Derek grinned. "Maaaybe?" he sing-songed.

He hopped onto the stage, trying his best to look official and since he was camera boy, nobody seemed to notice him doing it. He ducked through the gap in the curtain and disappeared. At first he'd been about to wait with all of the others for the cast to come out, but then he remembered that he could go to the back if he wanted to.

"Y'all decent?" he called.

"Not if we can help it," Brianna said.

"Yeah, me too," Derek said.

"YOU," Casey said.

"Uh-oh," Derek said, pretending to run away as she gave chase around the room. Everyone stopped what they were doing to watch, and in some cases, to get out of the way.

"You knew my Dad was coming?" she asked, when she caught him.

"I was sworn to secrecy," Derek said. He closed his eyes, bracing for a hit.

"I didn't even mention the play to him until yesterday," she said. "How long ago did you tell him?"

"I dunno," Derek said. "Beginning of the week?"

"And he came," she said.

"No no no no_ no_, you're _not_ gonna cry again," Derek said.

"De-_rek_!" she said, swatting his arm. "You moment killer!"

"I'm not the one being violent," Derek said. "Not that I mind, really though; you can feel free to beat me to your heart's content, because you know how hot you are when you crack that—mmph."

She put a hand over his mouth.

"Anybody have any duct tape?" she asked.

"Oooh, kinky," Dave said. Derek pointed at him and mumbled something that might have been "What _he_ said."

"Ew!" Casey said, taking her hand away.

"Don't stop," Derek said.

She ignored him and paused for a second. "What was I yelling at him about?"

"Killing the moment," Emily said.

"Oh yeah," Casey said. "So back to that..."

She grabbed him and hugged him suddenly enough to make him go "ooof."

"I love you," she whispered in his ear.

"Love you more," he whispered back. She let go of him.

"Are you seriously not gonna kiss her, you dumbass?" Chris said.

It took Derek a second to realize someone was talking to him.

"Huh?" he said.

"Never mind," Chris said. "Why be so pedestrian with the kissing when you can have straight up eye sex?"

Casey turned red, and by the feel of it, Derek thought he did, too.

"Ooh? What'd I miss?" Sheldon said from the door of the tiny bathroom. He was toweling off his hair. It looked like he'd stuck his head under the faucet first chance he got.

"Nice hair, Schlep" Derek said, to change the subject.

"_Hey_! Floppy though I may be, I figure it beats the hell outta the whole _Outsiders_ thing I had going," Sheldon said.

"Good point," Derek said.

"Took me forever to get his hair to do that, you know," Casey said.

"And I do appreciate it," Sheldon said. "But picture the looks I'd get if I went out in public like that."

"Say no more," Casey said. "Em, where did we put the—"

"One step ahead of you, Case," Emily said, squeezing some goo into her hand. "Come here, Floppy, before you turn into Frizzy." Sheldon obeyed, and Emily worked the stuff into his hair.

"Meow?" Sheldon said.

"Hush," Emily said.

"Raoowrrrr" Sheldon said, cracking Emily up.

"Aanyway," Derek said, sick of their display already. "You ready to go, Case?"

"Mmhhmm," Casey said, putting on lip balm. Her face was scrubbed shiny-clean, and Derek had the feeling she was sick of makeup for the moment. It was a rare thing to see her without at least a little mascara, but he kinda liked it.

"Now how do we sneak out?" Derek said.

"Ha!" Casey said. "You wish. Me too, actually, but there's no way around it. We have to go out the front."

"I guess this is just what I get for dating a celebrity," Derek said.

Casey snorted. "This ain't _Notting Hill_."

"_What_-ing Hill?" he said.

"Hugh Grant movie," she said.

"Never mind. Don't wanna know," Derek said. He led her out onto the stage, and when people saw her, there was just enough applause to turn her red again. She went out, hugged the 'rents and got a whole bunch of praise heaped onto her, getting more and more embarrassed by the second. He enjoyed watching it, until he was pulled into the throng, too.

"So, Derek," a familiar voice said from behind him. He turned around to see Mrs. Zeldin. His stomach dropped in fear, the way it always did when he saw a teacher out of context.

"Um, hi," was all he could think of to say.

"I was thinking that now that you have some experience directing a play, maybe you can help out with our winter show?" she said.

"I was just the camera guy," Derek said. "Jack was the director. He's right over there." He pointed to Jack, who was presently trapped in a sea of old ladies.

"Yes," she said. "I know Jack; I was just talking to him, but according to this, you were the assistant director." She held up the playbill.

"The _what_?" he said. She handed it to him. Sure enough, some wiseass, Jack most likely, had actually put him down as assistant director. He groaned.

"Jack tells me you show a lot of promise," Mrs. Zeldin said. "Can't say I'm surprised."

People really needed to stop with this type of thing.

"Thanks," he said. He squirmed for a second until a man came up behind Mrs. Zeldin and put his arms around her. Derek figured it was safe to assume that it was Mr. Zeldin.

"Katie," he said. "We should get going, or else the sitter's gonna have our heads."

Derek looked at him gratefully.

Mrs. Zeldin looked at her watch. "Oh my gosh," she said. "By the way, Greg, this is Derek Venturi. Remember Pirate Pete?"

"Pirate Pete, yeah. Nice to meet you," Mr. Zeldin said, shaking Derek's hand. "I hate to meet and run, but..."

"Babysitter, yeah," Derek said.

"We had a great time, tonight, though," Mr. Zeldin added as he dragged his wife to the door. "You should be proud."

"Thanks," Derek called.

Part Two: Casey.

She ran into the crowd to hug her father. Then she smacked him on the arm.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" she asked.

"Why didn't you tell me you were in a play in the first place?" Dennis answered. "Had to hear it from your creepy boyfriend. No offense, George."

"None taken," George said. "He's my son and I love him, but if Marti brought home a boy like him..."

"Exactly," Dennis said.

"Quit it, you two," Casey said.

"You're no fun," Dennis said.

"Seriously, you should've told me," Casey said.

"And ruin the surprise?" he said. "Okay, think about it. You would've been more nervous than usual and you know it. You've always been like that. You used to make your Mom and I sit in the back of the audience for every recital, every play, and every choir performance you'd ever been in. I'm just lucky that Derek and your Mom, incidentally, can keep a secret."

Casey pouted.

Dennis reached into his pocket. "Pouting are we? I guess you don't want _this_ then."

Casey watched him pull a small box out of his pocket. She reached for it and he held it up out of her reach for a second.

"Oh, so you love me now, huh?" Dennis teased.

"Dad-_dy_!" Casey said.

He handed her the box which she opened to reveal a silver filigree bracelet. Casey stared at it for a second, fascinated, pulling it out and holding it to the light.

"You like?" Dennis asked.

"I love," Casey said hugging him. "Thanks, Dad."

Later, she would discover some cash hidden under the little piece of foam rubber that cushioned the bracelet.

"Well," Dennis said. "Since I know you have a party to go to, I shall threaten your boyfriend one more time, and go back to the hotel. How 'bout lunch tomorrow? Just you, me, and Lizzie? Shall I have my people call your people?"

"Um," Casey said, pretending to mull the idea over. "Sure." She turned around, searching the crowd for a second. "Hey Sam!"

"Yo?" he said, turning around.

"Wanna be my people?" Casey asked. She pointed to her Dad. "Call _his_ people?"

"Do I get ten percent?"Sam asked, coming over.

"No!" Casey said.

"Okay," Sam said, grinning. "Who's his people?"

"Marti," Dennis said.

Marti waved.

"Oh no," Sam deadpanned. "Not her! Hardest. Bargainer. Ever." He picked Marti up and swung her.

With a final hug and kiss, Dennis excused himself.

Casey noticed that people were making much of Marti in general. Chris took one look at her and at George and Casey's Mom and gushed some more about their perfect Kodak family. Marti was unfazed, but liked him immediately.

Plus, Marti was the one who stopped Ralph from sneaking out the door. Derek didn't call her Smarti for nothing.

"Ral-_phie_!" she whined. "Don't say hi!"

Casey suppressed a giggle as Ralph grudgingly about faced and came back toward them to give her a hug.

After her Mom and George dragged a drooping Marti toward Derek to say goodbye, Casey asked Ralph what he thought of the show.

"It was cool," he said. "Pretty cool. But I coulda used more drums. And maybe shorter skirts."

_Old habits die hard_, Casey thought. She gave him her best "Who are you kidding?" look. Sam nudged his shoulder.

"That's what _I_ said," Chris joked. Later, Casey swore to Derek that she saw Ralph lock eyes with Chris and give him a tentative smile. It took all Casey had not to squeal and bounce. Also, Ralph was wearing clothes that fit him.

A little later, at the party, there was dancing. Casey dragged Ralph out into the middle of Chris's living room to make him dance with her. She figured it was a little too soon to expect him to dance with Chris, but they did manage to dance in the general vicinity of each other for several songs. Meanwhile, Ralph could really dance. He was a drummer, which took care of a certain amount of rhythm and coordination, but Casey didn't expect him to be as good as he was.

Then there was Sam who danced with Brianna. For the whole six weeks or so that Casey had dated Sam, he'd never once danced with her. And now she saw why. But at least he wasn't stepping on Brianna's feet. Brianna seemed to think that his stiff-armed clumsiness was cute, but by the end of the night, she'd taught him how to stay mostly still and look cool while _she_ danced.

It took a lot of nagging to get Derek to dance, so everyone expected him to have slightly less rhythm than Sheldon, who was happily spazzing it up with Emily. Casey knew better. Some random Sean Paul song started to play and Derek suddenly rediscovered the showoff-y side of his personality. Casey hadn't seen him do anything like this in months and there was nothing to do but go with it. He pulled her close and did everything but break dance, thank God. He kept his eyes on hers the whole time. His PDA rule forbade the grinding that most people did, of course, but they did manage to get pretty close all the same.

After four or five songs, Derek left Casey to get the both of them some soda from the cooler in the kitchen, but he came right back through the swinging door looking empty-handed and a little traumatized.

"No soda?" Casey asked.

"Yeah, well," Derek said. "Kitchen's a little occupied."

"Ooh!" Casey said. "By whom." She looked around the room to see who was missing.

"Nosy," Derek said."Who says 'whom'?"

"People who speak English," Casey said as she continued her informal census and found that Ralph and Chris were the only ones not dancing.

Casey squealed. "Were they making out?"

Derek looked at her incredulously.

"_More_ than making out?" Casey asked.

"No!" Derek said, shaking his head. The more Casey thought about it, the more she realized that Derek probably wouldn't still be conscious if he'd walked in on people having actual sex in a kitchen.

"Well?" Casey said. "Aren't you happy for them?"

He started to shudder, but then said, "Yeah, okay. I am."

Several minutes later, there was cheering when Chris and Ralph emerged from the kitchen. Both were trying to be nonchalant, but there was no mistaking the mussed hair and the swollen mouths. Not to mention what might have been a hickie on Chris's collarbone.

As the party wound down, the dancing gave way to singing. Chris dragged out an acoustic guitar, and played it a little but then happily passed it on to a couple of others who could play. Derek tried to hold out, but eventually played Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" while pretty much everyone but him sang. It almost felt like summer camp.

"Anyone else feel like s'mores?" Derek said.

"_I_ was gonna say that," Emily said.

"Me too," Casey said.

A slow trickle of people out the door signaled the end of the party. People hugged and kissed. Exhanged "See you tomorrows."

On the porch, Sam asked Derek and Casey if they wouldn't mind giving him a ride.

"Why," Derek said. "What's wrong with your car?"

"Nothing," Sam said, raising an eyebrow like he thought Derek was being a little dense. He spoke a little slower. "I just think that maybe Ralph'll need it more than me."

Casey raised a quick hand to cover her mouth and locked eyes with Emily who was doing the same thing nearby.

"But what about Chris's folks?" Casey wondered.

"They have their own car," Sam deadpanned.

"Point taken," Casey said.


	37. Chapter 37

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: I do not own _Life With Derek_, Audrey Two, Donald Duck or his nephews, Kermit the Frog, _My Cousin Vinny _(which Derek, Edwin, and Sam quote from)_, Saint Ralph, Scarface, The Lion King_ or anything else. No profit is being made from this fic nor is any infringement intended. Please do not sue me.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Part One: Edwin.

"So?" Dennis said in between bites of cake."What's this video contest I've been hearing so much about?"

After the show, they'd all gone to Smelly Nellie's for dessert. Edwin was working on a sundae that looked big enough for Marti to climb into and had had to take a moment to finish chewing, (talking with one's mouth full in front of company is okay if one wants Nora to die of embarrassment. Otherwise, not so much). Edwin explained it quickly, outlining all the sneaking around that he and Lizzie had had to do the past few weeks. He talked about some of the shots he'd been after and how much he'd edited together so far. The grin on his Dad's face grew by the second.

"Like Donald Duck!" Dad said.

"Come again?" Nora said.

"There was an old Donald Duck cartoon," Dad explained. "The gag is as old as the hills but I told Ed about this old cartoon. If I remember it right, there was this photography contest and Donald enters it. Tries to get shots of wildlife. He puts his all into it, getting the most creative shots that he can, from all kinds of angles. He was being all Orson Welles about it. And then he finds out that the winners of the contest were his nephews Huey, Dewey and Louie. Their winning entry featured shots of Uncle Donald taking his pictures. Hanging upside down out of trees, hiding in bushes, falling off of cliffs..."

Nora started to laugh. "I just pictured Derek hanging out of a tree like that!" she said. "In a little sailor suit!"

"And no pants?" Marti asked. Edwin laughed so hard that he'd had to hold on to Lizzie to keep from sliding out of the booth and onto the floor.

"Is Derek given to Donald Duck style rants?" Dennis asked.

Edwin did his version of Donald Duck. It was getting pretty good if he did say so himself. Then he paused for a second. "Nah, Derek's not a ranter. And the few times he does rant, he's more Kermit the Frog than Donald Duck."

"Anyway, Derek wouldn't give Edwin that much warning," Lizzie said. Edwin nodded.

"How fast do you run?" Dennis asked.

"Pretty fast," Edwin said. "Years of practice."

"When do you have to send the video out?" Dennis asked.

"The deadline is August 15th, but I wanna have it out by next weekend," Edwin said. "Derek will keep tinkering with his until somebody wrestles it away from him."

"Sounds familiar," Dennis said, catching Nora's eye.

"It's not something we're used to seeing from Derek," Dad said. "Usually he saves this kind of focus for three things: food, hockey..."

"And Casey," Dennis said. He toyed with the hunk of chocolate shaving that had been on top of his chocolate mousse. "I get it, George. On one hand, it's great to see that level of passion from your kid. On the other hand, some of that passion is being directed toward Casey. Yikes."

"Welcome to my world," Dad said.

"How do you sleep?" Dennis said. "Daughters _every_where. I'd be camped in the hallway every night."

"Are you implying that we can't take care of ourselves?" Lizzie asked. Edwin bit the inside of his cheek. "Do you think we're helpless, with no moral code and generally unworthy of the respect of the boys we date?"

"Interesting question Liz," Nora said. "I'd actually like to hear the answer to that one. Dennis?"

"Um," Dennis began. "I'm not trying to say that you're helpless or anything, honey..."

"_Honey_?!" Lizzie said.

"Lizzie," Dennis said. "Elizabeth Marie, if you prefer."

Lizzie cocked an eyebrow.

"What I meant was that as a father of daughters, daughters at an age in which boys start to come around—even though you can clearly handle yourself, I can't help but worry about—Wait a minute, you're messing with me aren't you?" Dennis said.

Lizzie stared him down for an extra few seconds before she started laughing.

"That was really cool," Nora said, high five-ing Lizzie.

"Thanks," Lizzie said. "Even though I wasn't really kidding."

"I get you," Dennis said. "Hard habit to break. I was brought up with the idea that you don't have to be a chauvinist pig to be a Daddy, but it helps."

"What's a chauvinist?" Marti asked.

Part Two: Casey.

The next morning, Casey found Derek with his head face down on the desk, the fish tank screensaver running for who knew how long. She thought about leaving him alone to let him sleep, but she knew from experience how much it hurt to sleep in that position. She rubbed a hand up and down his back.

"Derek," she said.

She got his usual raspy little grunt in response.

"Derek," she sing-songed. "Come on. Why don't you lie down for a little while?"

"What time is it?" he asked.

"It's seven fifteen," she said, checking the display on his monitor. "Let's just save your changes and you can sleep for a few more hours, except this time try the bed so you don't go walking around like Quasimodo for the rest of the day."

He sat up. "Ow," he said. Right on cue.

"See?" Casey said, massaging his neck a little.

He rubbed his eyes with the heels of both hands and then tried to focus on the screen.

"Hit 'save' and then close it," Casey said. For a second it looked like he was going to fiddle around with the program some more, but then he did as he was told. Who knew he could be so malleable?

He rolled over to his bed, and when he got there, climbed across it diagonally and curled up.

"You should really straighten out," Casey said.

"Mhmm," Derek said. He didn't move.

She leaned one knee on the bed and reached over to turn him. He let her, and when she looked him over, she decided that that position would have to do. She pecked him on the mouth and left his room as he started to snore.

Derek was still very much asleep at around eleven when her father came to take her and Lizzie to lunch. He picked an Italian restaurant with outdoor seating, saying that a day like the one they were having was not to be wasted indoors.

Lizzie asked their Dad about New York sports teams. Casey tried not to zone out, but she really couldn't work up an interest in any of it. She'd taken to counting the little blue tiles on their table until she realized that the conversation had turned from the Yankees themselves to the controversy that was surrounding the new Yankee stadium that was being built. Casey looked up in panic when Lizzie started using words like "air quality," "construction," and "asthma."

"A lot of people would agree with you there, Liz," Dad said. "I think it's a done deal, though. People have been promised some greenery in return, I hear." He paused for a minute and gave Lizzie a long look. "Given any thought to law school?" he asked finally. She and Casey laughed. Then he managed to shift Lizzie's attention to the possibility of visiting the Botanical Gardens and the Bronx Zoo the next time they came to New York.

"You guys have seen the one in Central Park, but the Bronx one will blow you away," Dad said.

"Bronx?" Casey asked, dubiously.

"Did you think it was all about Manhattan?" Dennis asked, already knowing the answer.

He asked her about the play. They talked about the Audrey Two puppets and how everyone had gotten a little bit creeped out by them.

"Seriously creepy," Casey said. "They were like these foam rubber corpses, and no one liked to get too close. Ray, he was the puppeteer, almost gave Chris a heart attack last week. Chris went walking by the thing—and Chris kept denying that the puppet was scary, he whenever he passed it, he acted all nonchalant—so when he passed it, Ray made it reach out and grab him. Derek was so mad that he didn't get it on tape!"

"I would be, too," Dennis said.

"Edwin got it," Lizzie said.

"No way!" Casey said. "Well, we gotta see that when we get back."

"Not yet!" Lizzie said. "Not unless we can get rid of Derek."

"Oh yeah," Casey said. "I guess it'll have to wait."

"I don't get it," Dennis said.

"Don't get what?" Lizzie asked.

"Why you have to keep this a secret," Dennis said. "Derek never struck me as much of a shrinking violet. Why not follow him around? Why would he object? Unless Edwin wanted to keep Derek from hamming it up too much."

"Derek hasn't actually hammed _anything_ up in months," Casey said. "That's kind of the problem. I mean, if you pull out a still camera, he'll pose for you all day, but he tenses up whenever his voice gets recorded. I've seen him have to take a deep breath before leaving a message on someone's answering machine. Did Mom show you the footage of us on the news?"

"Did she ever," Dennis said. "I asked for copies, of course. I shall be annoying everyone at the office for a while."

Casey turned a little pink. "Well, Derek wanted no part of it," she said. "I thought that he was gonna run away."

"Didn't show," Dennis said.

"I know," Casey said. "He came off really well, but to hear him describe it, you'd think they were ripping out his fingernails. And I'm pretty sure he won't look at it again. Which is sad because he used to be the world's biggest ham, just like you said."

"So Edwin's filming Derek because he's funny and watchable," Lizzie said. "And we thought that it would also build his confidence a little," Lizzie said.

"He's gotten way too quiet," Casey said.

"Okay," Lizzie said. "Dunno if I'd go _that_ far."

"I would," Casey said. "And it would be one thing if it were an organic process, like if when he was in the hospital, he, I dunno, became zen or something, decided to that he preferred being quiet, but that is _not_ what happened."

Lizzie wrinkled her nose and laughed. "Zen Derek," she said.

"That's my point," Casey said. "He's self conscious, but he doesn't wanna be. I can see it on his face, and I know that it really bugs him."

"So how is _this_ gonna help?" Dennis asked.

"Edwin could have picked any subject to make a movie out of and he picked Derek," Casey said. "and not just out of some older brother hero worship thing, though that's a really big part of it."

"_Huge_ part of it," Lizzie said. "But we officially don't know that."

"'Course not," Dennis said.

"But it's also because Derek legitimately seemed like a good subject, someone that people would want to pay attention to. As much as I don't want him to get a big head, I think it's a great idea because he really does need to be reminded of that."

"Also Edwin's pretty good," Lizzie said.

"Really good," Casey said. "We haven't seen the finished product yet, but he might have a chance to—"

"No jinx," Lizzie said.

"And Derek's video?" Dennis asked.

"Same thing," Casey said. "No jinx. But we might be a little biased."

"Just a little," Dennis said, grinning.

Part Three: Sam.

Derek and Sam were supposed to be knocking around, doing very little. Casey's orders. The original plan had been to bring Ralph, but he was pretty sure that if Ralph wasn't still...busy, then he'd be exhausted. It was best to leave the kid alone.

Sam showed up around noon, with buffalo wings, curly fries, and the some random DVDs that he dug up.

"_Saint Ralph_, Sam?" Derek said. "You own a copy of _Saint Ralph_?"

"It's my mom's," Sam said. "It's funny. There's this scene in a pool..."

"Riiight," Derek said. "Your _mom's_."

Derek went through the handful that Sam brought over and pulled out _My Cousin Vinny_.

"Funniest part of this is that I think I _have_ a cousin Vinny," Derek said.

"Vinny Venturi?" Sam asked.

"Yep," Derek said.

Sam shook his head and put the movie in. It took precisely ten minutes for Edwin to realize what they were watching and for him to trickle in. Sam thought it was a good idea that he'd overloaded on the wings.

By the end of the movie Sam made a mental note: When hanging out with a Venturi, never _ever_ watch a movie with accents in it. For a while, he could do nothing but watch as both Derek and Edwin dueled with their own Brooklyn by way of Ontario accents.

Sam's phone rang; he went into the kitchen to take it.

"How's it goin?" Casey asked.

"What, you mean with the two yutes in there?" Sam asked, affecting his own accent.

"What?" Casey asked.

"Listen fuh yuhself," Sam said. He went into the living room and held the phone out as Derek and Edwin quoted the movie.

"'I shot the clerk...'" Edwin said.

"'_When _did you shoot the clerk?'" Derek asked, in a southern accent this time.

"'I shot the clerk...'" Edwin said.

"Does that give you an idea?" Sam said.

"Oh my God," Casey said. "I think you might've created a couple of monsters."

"'Ah'm in the middle of a damn confession heah,'" Derek said.

"Yep," Sam said. "So when are you coming home?"

"On my way," Casey said. "Why? So you can leave me and Lizzie to deal with them?"

"Yeah," Sam said. "Aren't you happy I didn't bring over _Scarface_ or something?"

"Ugh," Casey said."I guess I should be grateful, then."

"Yeah, you really should," Sam said.

After they hung up, Sam came back to the couch and toyed with some cold curly fries as Derek and Edwin criticized each other's accents. Neither of them had the foggiest idea what they were doing. Derek's Brooklyn turned into Boston after a while, Sam noticed.

"Dude," Sam said.

"Dude?" Derek said, pointing a finger at him, going Southern again. "_Dude_? You sir, will address me as yo' honor or ah will hold you in contempt."

"'You were _serious_ about dat?'" Sam said. "Anyway, your better halves are on their way home. Thought you'd wanna know. And I need to go meet _my_ better half at the mall, so..."

"And you're a little afraid of us," Edwin said.

"That too," Sam said. The fact that Derek hadn't clowned around this much in ages wasn't lost on Sam, but he didn't wanna ruin it by bringing it to his attention. That was more of a Casey move. If Sam did it, the kid would clam right up and things would be awkward from then on. So it was best to pretend to be disturbed by their little display.

"What?" Derek said, making Sam realize that he was staring.

"Nothing," Sam said, covering.

"So," Derek said. "You're leaving all this to go to the mall and carry your girlfriend's bag?"

"Duh," Sam said.

"Have I taught you _nothing_?" Derek asked.

"I try my best not to listen to you," Sam said.

"Good way to be," Edwin said. Derek swatted the back of his head.

Part Four: Marti

Marti spent most of that Saturday at Dimi's being watched by Sheldon and Emily. Sheldon was okay. He told Marti and Dimi that he was the youngest in his family, too.

"I kinda always wanted a little brother or sister," he said.

"Aww," Emily said.

"Or, you know, a puppy," Sheldon said.

Marti and Dimi giggled.

He taught them a card trick that his brother taught him. He also didn't complain when they wanted to see The Lion King _again_.

"C'mon, Em, it's _The Lion King_," he said when Emily groaned.

And when she and Dimi caught Sheldon and Em making out, he didn't ask her if she had something to do in the other room they way Derek and Casey did.

Emily told them about the petroleum jelly on the doorknob trick.

"Ever try mustard on the doorknob instead?" Sheldon said.

"Mustard?" Emily said.

"Yeah," Sheldon said. "'Cause when it dries, it turns brown, so if you put it on the bathroom doorknob..."

"Ew!" Emily said.

Dimi looked at Marti like Christmas had come early. Marti _so_ needed to try that one. She didn't think that _Derek_ had even thought of it, and he'd done that thing with the peanut butter last year. Casey wouldn't talk to him for days after that.

"You didn't hear about that from us, okay Marti?" Emily said.

"Hear about what?" Marti asked.

Later, when Marti got home, she'd had to sidestep both Casey and Derek as they ran around gathering all their stuff to go do the play again. She decided that it wouldn't be a good time to prank them, so she went to bug Edwin and Lizzie.

"'Sup, yo," Marti said, imitating Edwin and cracking him up. He and Lizzie were at the computer, but when Marti came over to look, they stopped what they were doing and opened up something else.

"Hey!" Marti said. "Like I don't know what your movie's about. You told us _last night_."

"She's got a point," Lizzie said.

"Yeah," Edwin said."Okay you're right, Smarti."

"Yeah," Marti agreed. "And I wanna see Derek in a sailor suit with no pants."

Lizzie laughed at her joke, but Edwin crouched down and shushed Marti even though she hadn't been talking loud.

"Edwin," Lizzie said. "This is the attic. The door is closed and everyone else is downstairs. And what are you crouching for?"

"I have no idea," Edwin said, straightening up.

He waited until he saw Derek and Casey pull out of the driveway from his window before he put his just-about-finished movie on.

"Did you show Casey?" Marti asked when it was done.

"Not the whole thing, no," Edwin said. "Just you and Lizzie."

"Casey's gonna cry," Marti said. "And Nora."

"Brrr," Edwin said.

"I'm sure Derek'll kill him before anyone starts crying," Lizzie joked.

"Smerek'll like it," Marti said. "You're a good director."

Edwin looked at her like he might cry a little, but then he gave his head a little shake, like he was rattling the marbles in it and said. "Thanks, Smarti. But I don't have any chocolate, you know."

Marti leaned against him, and he put an arm around her. Lizzie leaned against his other side.


	38. Chapter 38

And The Winner Is...

by The BucketWoman

Disclaimer: Lots of stuff I don't own. _Life with Derek_. _Deliverance. Law and Order. Little Shop of Horrors _or Wilhelm.

A/N: I had a little bit of formatting fun here. The action and dialogue in Edwin's movie appear in bold print, so that you can tell the difference between what people are saying on screen and what people are saying while they watch it.

Chapter Thirty-Eight.

Part One: Edwin.

Edwin made the supreme, life-ending mistake of saying, in Lizzie's presence, that he hoped to get his submission sent out by the end of the week. She was going to hold him to it. Looking his video over for the eleventy-billionth time, he wanted nothing more than to wimp out. To hit a few buttons and "accidentally" erase it from his hard drive. True, he had several backups, but those could be taken care of as well. Somehow. If he had to take up skeet shooting, he'd do away with them.

But Lizzie was too smart not to know what he was thinking. She was watching him. And she carried a flash drive with his video-in-progress on it. She knew that he could never bring himself to stomp her ten gigabyte flash drive.

Still, there had to be a way out of this. He could decide that, instead of posting the Derek movie (which still didn't have a freakin' title as if things could be any worse) maybe he could send out _The Marti Chronicles_, which he'd also been working on all summer. Marti would be perfectly happy with the spotlight.

"Nice try Edwin," Lizzie said, when he'd been stupid enough to run the idea by her. "No pussing out."

And now that Derek and Casey were done with that play, there was little to stop Derek from working on his own movie. He obsessed over it the same way Edwin obsessed over his. Casey tried to distract Derek whenever she could, God bless her. And she was a really good distraction but that didn't stop Derek from starting to ask Edwin questions about what _he_ was working on.

"Um," Edwin said. "Just stuff. Ya know, nothing really..."

"And yet you're guarding it like it's the long lost extended cut of _Deliverance_ or something," Derek said. "If it's 'nothing really' then why don'tcha let me see it?"

"What," Edwin said. "Like you're _interested_ or something?"

"Of course I am," Derek said. "Why wouldn't I be interested? I'm your brother."

Edwin raised an eyebrow.

"And I need to stop looking at mine before I go crazy," Derek admitted.

"It's not ready yet," Edwin said, wrinkling his nose.

"Are you, like, trying to build suspense?" Derek asked. "Like, the more you say I can't see it, the more I want to? Because it's totally working."

That was most definitely _not_ what Edwin was trying to do. Now that he'd painted himself into a corner, Derek grinned at him, like it was only a matter of time before he wore Edwin's resistance down. The boy was used to getting what he wanted, after all.

"Come on, Ed," Derek said.

"Nope," Edwin said.

"But I'm bored," Derek said.

"Read a book," Edwin said.

Derek gasped. Then he laughed when Edwin shot him a dirty look.

"Good one," Derek said. "'Read a book,' he says."

The firm, but fair approach wasn't going to work. He could try looking his brother in the eye and telling

him no, but Derek would only laugh and pat him on the head, tell him how cute he was. He could try getting angry, but the reaction would be much the same. Maybe if Edwin's face got red enough, Derek would try to hold back his laughter, but that was about it.

So there was only one thing left to do. He took a couple of shallow breaths.

"Derek, seriously," Edwin said, pretending to hyperventilate. "This is not a good time to ask me to show you this (gasp) because it's just really (gasp) not ready, and right now I just feel like" He made his voice crack here "it's just a big, steaming (gasp) pile of crap and I'm just (gasp) under so much pressure—"

"What is the _matter_ with you?" Derek asked. If he didn't buy this, he'd have to squeeze out a tear, and that just wasn't as easy as Casey and Lizzie (and especially Marti) sometimes made it look.

He pinched the bridge of his nose to make it look like he was holding back tears that didn't technically exist.

"Okay, Derek," Edwin said, in a flat, defeated tone. "Know what? You wanna see it so bad? Fine. Pull it up, watch it. I don't care. I'm just gonna go get some ice cream." He turned his back and walked out of his own room, leaving Derek standing there.

"Ed!" Derek said. Edwin kept walking, listening for his brother's footsteps.

Derek beat him to the stairway on the second floor. He got in front of him and walked backwards down the stairs.

"Ed, what the hell?" he said. "If you don't wanna show me the thing, you don't have to."

_Ha! _Edwin thought.

"You didn't have to fake a panic attack," Derek said. "I just kinda wanna know why you don't trust me."

"What?" Edwin said.

"I know you showed your movie to everyone else," Derek said.

"No I didn't," Edwin bluffed.

"Casey told me," Derek said.

"Why would she tell you that? I never showed it to Casey," Edwin lied. Casey wouldn't have told him. If anything, Casey was hoping for a big reveal. She wanted Derek to be surprised. She wanted hugging, maybe some tears. Edwin let her continue to think that way, however delusional it was. She'd originally said that he should just send it out first, tell Derek later, but they both knew that that wouldn't work.

He stared Derek down. Derek gave him the eyebrow. He gave Derek the eyebrow right back until Derek cracked a smile, like he thought he was winning, or something.

"Fine," Edwin said. "Go 'head and watch it."

"I'm glad we could come to an agreement," Derek said. "Coming?"

"Nope," Edwin said, pointing toward the kitchen. "Ice cream."

"Bring me some," Derek said.

"Hmph," Edwin said. He watched Derek head up to his room in the attic before he headed in the other direction.

In the kitchen, he scooped himself some ice cream and broke up some cookies to mix into it. He took his time with it, pretending to be calm and uninterested as Derek came down to join him.

Derek waited patiently for Edwin to look up before he spoke.

"You changed your password," Derek said.

"Yep," Edwin said.

Part Two: Casey.

"Did you really pull a _Law and Order_ on Edwin?" Casey asked, barging into his room. Lizzie'd told her everything as soon as she got back from the library.

Derek looked up from his desk and tried to look ashamed of himself. "Maybe."

"Well, how'd _that_ work out for you?" Casey asked.

"He bluffed me. _ME_! What _is_ this world coming to?" Derek said.

"Of course he bluffed you," Casey said. "You're losing your touch, dumbass. If you'd said that you'd somehow gotten the info out of _Lizzie_, maybe he would've believed it, but since he didn't show _me_ his video, he had no reason to spill his guts, did he?"

"Come on, Case," Derek said. "Are you seriously telling me he didn't show the video to you and swear you to secrecy or something?"

"Why would he have shown it to me?" Casey asked. If he hadn't just hit the nail on the head, she would have found that to be either a ridiculously self-centered or ridiculously paranoid thing to say. Or both. This was Derek, after all. As cool as they all let him believe that he was, he could be just as neurotic as Casey; he just hid it better.

"But you tried to get him to let you see it?"

"_Shyeah_," Casey said. "Of course I did. He chased me off. Pulled the 'not till it's finished' neurotic artist thing. Same thing you got."

"Yeah. What the hell's _that_ about?" Derek said.

"Why're you so interested in what he's up to anyway?" Casey asked.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Derek asked.

"You never cared what he did before," Casey said.

"Yeah, I did," Derek said. "Eventually."

Casey raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okay, so _maybe_ I didn't care," Derek said. "But that was then. It was before he got so damn interesting."

"Before he became real competition, you mean," Casey said, her mouth curving into a smile despite her best efforts to prevent it.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

"Nothing," Casey lied.

"_What_?" Derek asked.

"You're afraid he might beat you," Casey sing-songed.

"Not afraid," Derek said. "He'll probably kick my ass. You'll remember that we've had this conversation before. When I saw the pictures he took? _Of course_ he's gonna beat me."

"Sure," Casey said. "Easy for you to say. You can pretend that you're okay with the possibility of your little brother beating you all you want, because at least until now you didn't think about it too hard. The contest was still so far away. But that deadline's coming up and now it's driving you crazy, huh?"

"Duh," Derek said. "He needs to show me that movie. Like, now."

"He probably won't," Casey said.

Derek made a noise, part whine and part growl. This was something only he could pull off. Casey laughed.

"Glad this amuses you," Derek said.

"Good, 'cause it really does," Casey said.

"One day," Derek said waggling his index finger at her. "Something like this will happen to you and I will remember the way you're laughing at me right now."

"What else is new?" Casey said, grabbing the offending finger and pulling at the arm attached to it. She pulled him off the chair he was in and drew him closer.

"Trying to change the subject?" he asked.

"Do you care?" she asked.

"N-no," he said. "Not particularly."

"Thought not," Casey said. Then she put a couple of light kisses down his throat, giving him the shivers and pushing him onto the bed.

Part Three: Lizzie.

Lizzie felt like she should have seen this coming. It was a family trait. She'd seen George chew pencils to bits right before he had to give opening statements. With Derek, there was the puking. Now Edwin was pacing a hole in the rug. He couldn't keep his hands out of his hair, and it was sticking up all over the place. Every time he sat down, he bounced right back up like the chair was on fire.

"I have to show it to him," Edwin said.

"So show it to him," Lizzie said.

"But I can't show it to him!" Edwin said.

"So don't show it to him," Lizzie said. She had the weirdest sense of deja-vu.

"But if I don't—"

"Edwin," Lizzie said, putting a finger to his lips. "I say this out of love—keep that in mind—but if you don't sit down and shut up right now, I'm going to gag you with the first thing that my hand touches, and since your floor seems to actually _be made up of sweatsocks and tightie whities_, I'm thinking that you don't want that. Now do we understand each other?"

Edwin sat down.

"Now," Lizzie said. "How bout this—you listening?"

Edwin nodded.

"How bout we just show the video?" Lizzie said. "Have a little screening party, make popcorn?"

"Too many people," Edwin said.

"The seven of us is too many?" Lizzie asked. "But don't you want witnesses around in case he tries to kill you?"

"In some alternate universe that might've been funny, but in this one—" Edwin said.

"After dinner tonight," Lizzie said.

"Is that gonna be enough time?" Edwin said.

"Yes," Lizzie said. Because if the kid didn't do it now, _she_ was gonna kill him, save Derek the trouble.

"Because I need to do one more thing," Edwin said.

"I'm listening," Lizzie said.

She watched Edwin pull out the camera and his tripod, so he could set it up on the floor in front of them. He turned it on and sat down in his computer chair.

"Hey," Edwin said to the camera. "I'm Edwin Venturi and I directed the short film you're about to see..."

Part Four: Derek.

Edwin got to wash the dishes as usual, but as soon as he was done, while Derek was still munching on the leftover garlic bread (shame to let it go to waste) Lizzie cocked her head at Casey and both of them disappeared. Since he had his nose in the garlic bread, he didn't think much of it.

Dad and Nora were watching TV with Marti and as usual, noticed nothing going on around them. Especially when Lizzie came up to Derek and said:

"You. Come with me."

Derek snorted, but she was already pulling him. "Where are we going?"

"Acapulco," Lizzie said. "Upstairs, where do you think?"

"Acapulco's upstairs?"

"Yeah," Lizzie said. "Just through the wormhole in the games closet."

"Well, that explains a lot," Derek said.

"Yeah, yeah. Less talking, more moving," Lizzie said.

They went up to Edwin's room to find Casey sitting on his bed, absently straightening the bow tie on his teddy bear.

"What are you doing to Mr. Fuzzy?" Edwin asked.

"Fixing his tie; it drives me nuts," Casey said. "And it can't be comfortable for him, either."

Edwin played along. "Well, I tried to talk him into a clip-on, but he just ain't having it."

"I thought you said the wormhole was in the games closet," Derek said. "Cause it really seems like we've stepped into another piece of the multi-verse here."

"_Sientate aqui_," Lizzie said pointing to a chair.

"Huh?" Derek asked.

"Sit," Lizzie said. "Good boy."

"If you pat me on the head, prepare to lose that hand," Derek said.

"Case, you should really take him for his walk later, 'cause someone's a little cranky," Lizzie said.

"Will do," Casey said.

"I see how it is," Derek said. "Pick on Derek night. Y'all have your fun. I _will_ get you later."

"So what am I doing up here, besides taking all this abuse?" Derek asked. There was a silence, and it looked to Derek like everyone was looking at everyone else expectantly, like no one knew whose turn it would be to explain whatever the hell it was they had to explain. Derek tried to think fast. He wasn't addicted to anything, unless you counted chocolate milk, so it couldn't be an intervention.

But it really felt like an intervention.

Edwin licked his lips. "Um," he said. Derek swiveled to look at him.

"Okay," Edwin said. "This was Lizzie's idea."

"Hey!" Lizzie said.

"I didn't say it was a bad one," Edwin said. "Necessarily. It remains to be seen, actually."

"Spit it out, Ed," Derek said. The suspense was killing him already. What the hell were they up to?

"This is a screening party," Edwin said, both eyes squinched shut like he was ripping a bandaid off of his knee and he was preparing for the pain.

"Okay," Derek said, eyeing him. _This doesn't seem suspicious at all, nooo sir_, he thought.

"Oh for the love of God," Lizzie said. She went over to the computer and hit the spacebar to stop the screensaver. Then she tippy-tapped the password in, moving too fast for Derek to see what Ed's new password was. Finally, she clicked the mouse a couple of times and the moviemaking program opened. She did all of this in seconds. "Now was that so hard?" she asked as she crossed over to the bed and sat down with Casey.

Up on the screen, a title scrolled: _The D and C Project, Or Why I Won't Live to See My Fifteenth Birthday_ by Edwin Venturi.

Derek shot him a look, but turned back to the screen real quick, not really wanting to miss anything.

Some Cinematography, Editing Help and General Coolness provided by the Lovely and Talented Lizzie McDonald.

"Aww," Casey said.

"Whipped," Derek coughed.

Edwin said nothing.

Then his face appeared on the screen.

"**Hey, I'm Edwin Venturi and I directed the short film you're about to see..." Edwin said onscreen.**

"**I wanted to do this little explanation because, the way I figure it, I might not last the night. You see, this movie came about from the generosity of my most excellent older brother, Derek, who was recently given a new camera. He was kind enough to let me have the old one and I want to remind him of the warm and fuzzy feelings that came from such an act of kindness, and did I say generosity?"**

"**Yeah, you did, Edwin," Lizzie said, from offscreen.**

"**I did," Edwin said. "So, yeah, Derek got a new camera, so he wanted to go make a movie, and I figured that if he was gonna make a movie, then I should make one, too. But the question was: what should I make a movie about?**

"**I tried all kinds of stuff. Following our youngest sister, Marti, around while she did whatever it is she does..."**

**There was a brief couple of shots of Marti cartwheeling and then doing a dance of her own invention.**

Derek and Casey laughed.

"**But I figured I'd save that one for my first feature," Edwin said. "Then it hit me. I had the single best subject walking around giving me noogies the whole time."**

**The scene cut to a side view of Derek, in the living room, messing with his own camera, trying to set up a shot of Casey. She smiled down at him as he secured the thing to the tripod. **

_Crap_, Derek thought, remembering that day.

**Onscreen, a notepad stuck out of his back pocket; he took the thing out and wrote a note to pass to Casey. She read it and answered him. He grinned and scribbled something else for her.**

**There was a freeze frame.**

"**I should break in, here," Edwin said, onscreen. "As you probably figured out, Derek had a nice little case of laryngitis going. Showing footage from this particular week is part of the reason that I fear for my life."**

"You really _should_ fear for your life," Derek said. But he was smiling.

"**But really." Edwin said onscreen, "_Look _at them."**

**The scene came up again. Casey pushed Derek's hair off his forehead, watching as it flopped back down, and she leaned in for a quick kiss. When she pulled back, he stared at her until she reminded him of what he was supposed to be doing. He shook his head, snapped out of it and turned the camera on. After a minute, Edwin himself came into the shot and let himself be talked into playing the piano. The scene cut just before he started playing. **

"**Trust me, you didn't wanna see _that_," Edwin cut in. "Anyway, Casey, who Derek was just kissing, was getting ready for an audition. She wanted to be Audrey in _Little Shop of Horrors_ at the Community Center. How did the auditions go, you ask?"**

**He cut to Derek sitting in a folding chair at the community center, camera in hand, looking from the viewfinder to the stage, his eyes widening in horror. Here, Edwin added a sound effect. Derek believed it was called a Wilhelm scream. **

Derek couldn't hold back his laughter. He half-wanted to pound Edwin for hoodwinking him so completely, but this was just too good.

"A Wilhelm?" Derek asked. "Where did you even find that?"

"**Ah, but then there was Casey," Edwin said.**

**Then the scene showed Casey stretching, pulling her leg up to an impossible angle while another girl said "Ouch." Offscreen, a voice called Casey to the stage. **

"**Oh God," Casey said, as she scampered over.**

**Then the scene cut to Derek doing pretty much the same thing as he had before, looking from the viewfinder to the stage, but then he seemed to forget that the camera was in his hand. It was a miracle that he could hold the thing steady while being so transfixed on something else.**

"Where the hell did you film this from?" Derek asked, turning to Edwin again.

"Let's just say that this camera has one hell of a zoom on it," Edwin said.

"Yeah," Derek said turning back. "No kidding."

"**So," Edwin's voice cut in again. "Of course, Casey got the part and Derek got hired to film the whole shebang—" **

**Up came black and white stock footage of an audience giving a standing ovation. **

"That is so cute," Casey said.

"—**in addition to the movie _he_ was making, mind you," Edwin said. "So I had to find a place to film stuff from. Unseen." **

**There was a shot of the creepiest most rickety old wardrobe. Lizzie appeared onscreen, opening the door of the thing and wrinkling her nose.**

"**Seriously?" she said. "This is disgusting. You sure this is worth it?" **

**Edwin's arm waved her in. Then he followed her, the screen going black until he found the little gap to fit the lens through.**

"**So we hid," Edwin said. "In a dusty, moldy, creaking old cabinet on some of the hottest days of the year. Worth it? Well..."**

"**A few days later _this_ happened."**

**The scene showed Derek talking to Jack. Edwin helpfully supplied _Jack Kiernan, Director and Really Cool Guy_, on a subtitle to explain who he was. Jack asked him his opinion on where one of the actors should enter the scene.**

"**You're asking me?" Derek asked. **

"**Why not?" Jack asked. **

**Derek thought it over for a second. Then, he said. "Well, okay, since you asked..." Edwin sped up the scene as Derek talked, his hands going in every direction, his voice turning chipmunk-y to move things along. He cut to another scene, weeks later, in which Derek stood in the middle of a group of actors, acting like a real director, asking them questions while Jack grinned at him from the corner. **

**Edwin zoomed in on Casey beaming up at Derek as he talked to everyone. This turned into a quickie montage of different shots of Derek staring at Casey and Casey staring at Derek. Casey trailed her hand over Derek's shoulders and once or twice, through Derek's hair. Derek's eyes followed her as she walked offscreen. There was a quick shot of Derek grabbing Casey's hand as she walked by. They clasped hands quickly before letting go.**

"**Finally," Edwin said. "Jack told me about this." He held open the playbill and zoomed in on Derek's name and, next to it, the title of Assistant Director. **

Casey squealed.

"**The play itself?" Edwin asked. "Well..."**

**He cut to footage of the Hindenburg going down in flames.**

Derek snorted.

"**Just kidding," Edwin said. **

**He cut back to the shot of the old-timey audience giving the standing ovation.**

**Then there was a shot of Lizzie climbing out of the wardrobe, stretching and popping her neck. She pulled a ponytail holder off of her wrist and twisted it into her hair. She fanned herself.**

"**You sick of this yet?" Edwin said, offscreen.**

"**Yeah," Lizzie said.**

"**Wanna quit?" Edwin said.**

"**What," Lizzie said. "And give up show business?"**

Derek turned around in time to see Lizzie smacking Edwin's arm. Casey, right behind Lizzie, was wiping her eyes.

"Ahem," Lizzie said, making a twirling gesture to make Derek turn around again.

"**So this is my little Behind the Behind the Scenes at _Little Shop of Horrors_," Edwin said. "As Lizzie likes to call it." He reached offscreen and tugged at Lizzie's arm until she peeked onscreen and gave a little wave before she walked away again. **

"**I'm hoping that this doesn't end in a little freeze frame of my face with the dates of my birth and death on them, but I make no promises."**

**The credits rolled.**

Derek said nothing even though it felt like every pair of eyes in the world was on him right then. Edwin kept peeking at him and then turning away and trying to play it cool. Derek pretended that he didn't notice.

"Well?" Casey said.

"Um," Derek said. "Ed? Why don't you come with me for a sec?"

"Why?" Edwin said.

"Wanna talk to you," Derek said. "In the kitchen."

"You're not taking me anywhere where you might have access to sharp objects, are you nuts?" Edwin said.

Derek laughed. "Now why would you feel so paranoid, Little Bro?"

"Because I'm smart?" Edwin replied.

"So are you ready to send this in yet?" Derek asked, changing the subject.

"More or less," Edwin said. "If you're okay with it."

"Why wouldn't I be okay with it?" Derek asked. "I mean you should probably mess with that one piece where you guys are climbing into the wardrobe for the first time, because it's a little too long and people might wonder what you were _really_ up to in there with all that noise you were making."

"Eww," Casey said. "De-rek!"

"Ew is right," Derek said. "Otherwise, I'd say you were ready to send it in."

Edwin's face went completely blank. Lizzie nudged him with her foot.

"Wait," Edwin said. "What?"

Derek grinned. "I said, hurry up and send it in already. Does anyone_ ever_ listen to me? _Jeez_!" He got up from the chair, and walked out of the room before he could get hugged or something. He shook his head the whole way.

Casey caught up with him in his room.

"How you doing?" she asked.

"Okay," he said. "Why?"

"What is that look on your face?" Casey asked.

"I dunno," Derek said. "I guess it's not every day that I get owned by my little brother is all."

"Stop it," Casey said.

"Dude got me good," Derek said.

"It's not like that and you know it," Casey said.

"He's gonna win," Derek said. "I _told_ you. He is _so_ gonna win. And now, even though he's taken a lot of pressure off me, because I have no chance in hell of beating him, I have a whole buttload of work to do before I show him _my_ movie, cause right now, it just ain't cutting it."


	39. Chapter 39

And The Winner Is...

by TheBucketWoman

Disclaimer: Don't own _Life with Derek_, _Little Shop of Horrors, _"You Can Leave Your Hat On"_ The Full Monty,_ or anything Leonardo daVinci has ever said.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Part One: Lizzie.

Derek made his dramatic exit, followed by Casey. Lizzie supposed that that was to be expected. She thought for a minute about how attention was like oxygen to Derek, and rolled her eyes.

_Of course he's gonna act like an attention whore_, Lizzie thought. _He's Derek. What did you expect? Modesty? Grace? Puh-leeze._

She looked over at Edwin, who seemed to have been taken with a sudden case of the Stupids. He stared at the door, his mouth open. He stood in the middle of his room and blinked at the doorway several times before he turned and caught Lizzie's eye.

"He didn't hate it," Edwin said.

"I guess that's _one_ way of putting it," Lizzie said.

"He laughed in all the right places and stuff," Edwin said. "He laughed for real. He _did_, right? I didn't make that up? That laugh didn't sound fake did it?"

"He _liked_ it, Edwin," Lizzie said. Lizzie thought that Derek more than liked it, actually, but the concept needed to be eased into Edwin's brain, a little at a time. As it was, the idea that his brother wasn't currently pounding him, or at least giving him the silent treatment seemed to be all he was capable of registering.

"Edwin!" Lizzie said.

He turned to her.

"What'd I just say?" Lizzie asked.

"Huh?" Edwin said.

Lizzie started to laugh at him. "C'mere," she said. He walked over to the bed and she grabbed him around the waist. He leaned over and kissed the part in her hair. His arms closed around her. She pulled back to look at the stupid look on his face again—she didn't think she'd get tired of it. He looked down at her in confusion, probably wondering why she'd pulled away. Before he could say anything, though, she put one hand on either side of his face and pulled it toward hers. From a couple of inches away, she looked into his huge round eyes. For the three hundredth time, she marveled at how they took up his entire face. And then they _widened_ before she kissed him.

"What, you didn't see that coming?" Lizzie asked after she came up for air.

"Um," Edwin said.

Lizzie giggled.

"It's..." Edwin began. "A...nice surprise, I guess."

"I kiss you all the time," Lizzie said.

"Uh huh," Edwin said.

"And you're still surprised?" Lizzie said.

Edwin cocked his head to the left, as if to ask what part of that she didn't understand.

Part Two: George.

George had almost sent Marti to bed early five times that night. Not because she'd done anything wrong, but because he wanted a legitimate excuse to go upstairs to see what the other four were doing. Lizzie had filled them in about the screening earlier, bribing the three of them with movies Casey had rented.

When he chased Marti into bed, they'd all still been in Edwin's room, and he'd promised not to peek. He cursed his bad timing.

The devil on his shoulder told him that he was the Dad around here and as such, there was no reason not to barge right the hell into Edwin's room to see what the kids were up to.

The angel on the other shoulder talked some shit about patience and trust. It also gently reminded him that if he went back on this promise by playing the Dad card, Nora would not be happy. And if Nora was unhappy, _he_ would be unhappy. She'd make sure of that.

The devil suggested that Nora was just as hungry for information as he was, and if not, if she got mad, he might just buy her something tomorrow.

The angel wondered how long George could go without sex.

He went back downstairs, where Nora laughed at the cranky look on his face.

"You do realize that that's the exact face that Derek makes when you make him take the trash out," Nora said.

George perked up. "_Did_ he take the trash out? I bet he _didn't_. I should go up and tell him—"

"Georgie," Nora said. She was officially giving him The Look.

He sat down with a huff, and Nora helpfully informed him that he now making an Edwin face.

"Will you be sitting under the table next?" Nora teased.

"You're no fun," George said.

"No?" Nora asked. "No fun at all?" Her bangs had fallen into her eyes and she stared up from under them.

"Well, okay," George said."Maybe a little."

"A little?!" Nora said in exasperation. She threw up her hands and headed to the basement. He followed her, all the way trying to dig his way out of the doghouse, talking about how much fun she really was. Did he say she wasn't fun? Whatever could he have been thinking?

Part Three: Casey.

At around midnight, Casey left Derek with his nose pressed up against the computer screen. By the looks of him, he was going to pull another all nighter, pass out at the desk, and wake up owl-eyed and inarticulate. _Again_.

Casey was thinking that she'd have Derek show his video at the end of the week. She'd make this happen if she had to wrestle the thing away from him. She was looking forward to the wrestling part, come to think of it. She'd have to leave that part out when she filled Lizzie and Marti in on the plan.

The only question was how to get him to decide that it was ready. She read once that Leonardo daVinci said "Art is never finished, only abandoned." That fit. She was going to write that on an index card and tape it to Derek's monitor as a hint.

She was giggling over his possible reactions to this when George stumbled into the kitchen. His hair was all over the place and it looked like he'd just barely thrown his clothes back on. His regular clothes, not his pajamas. She had a mental image of his naked arm reaching for whatever clothing was handy so that he could go get some food. Because they'd more than likely worked up an appetite downstairs.

_Stop it. Stop thinking about that right now!_ She thought. She looked up at George, who blushed and buried his head in the fridge.

_Oh God_, she thought, hiding a grin.

After George had increased their ecological footprint substantially, he pulled his head out of the fridge and carried some leftover salami and cheese to the counter. He grabbed some bread began to slice it up.

Then he tried small talk.

"So, Casey," he began. "How'd the screening go?"

After she was done laughing at him, she said, "Really well."

"Edwin's movie?"

"You won't believe it," Casey said.

"That good?" George said.

Casey nodded.

"How 'bout Derek's?" George asked.

"Derek's still working on his," Casey said. "Especially now that he's seen Edwin's."

"Oy," George said. "Do I wanna know how long it'll be before he's finished?"

"It'll be finished by the end of the week," Casey said. "No matter what."

George nodded. "Does _he_ know that yet?" he asked.

"Nope," Casey said.

"It's gonna be a long week," George said.

"Do you find that you say that a lot?" Casey asked.

George stuck his butter knife upright in the jar of mustard and forgot about it for a second while he thought about it. "Yeah," he said finally. "I really do."

"Me too," Casey said.

"But really," George said, picking up the knife again. "There are worse things. The way I figure it, I'm getting off relatively light in the angst department. Everybody's safe and accounted for, and we all like each other" He knocked on the nearest piece of wood, in this case, the kitchen cabinet. "Let's just hope it stays that way."

"I give it a week," Casey joked.

"That sounds about right," George said. He offered Casey a cut of the sandwich. She shook her head, so he took it and a couple of cans of ginger ale downstairs.

"Night Casey," George said. Then he stopped in the doorway. "What are the chances of you getting him to go to sleep at any point before dawn?"

"Slim to none," Casey said. "I'll give it a shot, though."

In the end, she stole an idea from Derek himself. She sat on his bed, making sure that she was in his line of sight. Then she yawned hugely.

"Why don'tcha go to bed, Case," Derek asked, stifling his own yawn.

"Nope," she said. "I'm good. It's early yet. What is it?" She looked at his alarm clock. "12:45?" She yawned again.

"I know what you're doing," Derek said.

"Huh?" Casey said.

"Oh come _on_," Derek said. "Quit trying to bullshit a bullshitter. You're trying to get me to start yawning" (Here, the very word "yawn" made him do so) "And then you're gonna start to curl up on my bed, like a kitten—there you go now, just like that!"

"Then what?" Casey asked.

"Then you think I'm gonna look at the computer, then look at you, then look at the computer—" Derek said.

"And?" Casey asked.

"And say 'to hell with the computer' and shut it down for the night 'cause you're making the bed look real damn comfortable," he said. "And you're doing this even though I'm _totally_ on to you. Even though I've done the same damn thing to you."

"Well, is it working?" Casey asked.

"Completely," Derek said. He saved everything and shut down the computer quickly. He kicked his shoes off and wiggled comically out of his t-shirt. Then he caught her watching him and began to do a little dance as he undid his belt. Casey hummed a little bit of "You Can Leave Your Hat On" from _The Full Monty_ as she got up from his bed.

"Where you going?" Derek asked.

"To my own bed, Puppy," Casey said. "Because I value my life, and I don't wanna think about what might happen if one of us is actually found in the other's bed after sunrise."

"You're no fun," Derek said. He stood in front of her in his drawers, arms folded in front of his chest. She reached out and tickled him as he first tried to wiggle away, then grabbed her hands. There was a moment where she stopped what she was doing and got a really good look at him. She saw him everyday, so sometimes it was hard to notice changes, but at that moment, she remembered what he'd looked like in the weeks after his accident, after that liquid diet. It hadn't lasted long at all, but he'd lost weight faster than she'd thought possible and she'd been able to count every rib. The worst part was that she always called him scrawny before he'd gotten hurt. She hadn't known the meaning of the word. In the hospital, he'd given her these strong hugs with those bonier than usual arms and she'd understand why his mother had gone into that protective frenzy, trying to forbid him from ever playing hockey again. After all, she'd felt those bones rattling against her, too.

But as she looked at him in the light of his bedroom, geeking around like the Chippendale dancer that he wasn't, she noticed that he was perfect, better than he had been, even. She didn't know how this had escaped her so much of the time.

"What is it?" he said, worry creeping into his voice.

"What?" Casey said, as he came closer and thumbed a tear off of her cheek.

"This," he said.

"Nothing," Casey said. " Everything's cool."

"Casey," he said. "Tell me."

"It's only gonna weird you out," Casey said.

"That's comforting," Derek said. "Are you pregnant?"

Casey had to put a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. She shook her head, still laughing. He didn't look reassured.

Once she got under control, she said. "There's no way in the world that I could be pregnant, okay? Trust me. Everything's okay on that front."

He let out the breath he'd been holding. He knew that she wasn't going to lie about that.

"So then, what is it?" he asked.

_What if I just told him?_ Casey thought. Then she tried to explain what she'd been thinking, and, as predicted, he was hilariously confused.

"Huh?" he said, eyes narrowed.

"Told you it was gonna weird you out," Casey said. "Tried to spare you from the mush, but you just _had_ to have your mush. Are you _happy_?"

He looked down at himself, then back up at her. "Wasn't that bad," he said.

"It was," Casey said. "It was like you'd caved in. You started bouncing back pretty quickly, but I can show you pictures from only a few weeks later. Remember that party for George's officemate?"

He nodded, held both hands up. "I guess I'll take your word for it."

"But now it's like it never happened," Casey said.

"Well," Derek said, considering it. "Dunno about that. There is the fact that the whole hockey team started wearing way more protective gear."

"What else could they wear?" Casey asked. They seemed padded within an inch of their lives already.

"There's the hard plastic neck guard that usually just the goalies wear," Derek explained. "_I _have to wear it—doctor's orders—but everyone else will be too."

"That's fair," she said.

"And there's my voice," Derek said.

_Here we go_, she thought.

"You're the only one bothered by it," Casey said, not even trying to kid herself that he'd listen to her.

"I know," he said. "Most of the time, I'm just glad that I have one. But once in a while, I turn into you when you get school pictures back and you go on and on about how you have one earlobe that's bigger than the other."

"Shut up!" Casey said. She instinctively put her hands over her earlobes.

"But nobody notices it but you," he said. "So yeah, I know it's irrational, but I still hate the sound of my own voice. And I still worry that even though I don't much like it, it'll keep going away, which it probably will. But I'll live."

"And I guess there's another reason that we can't deny that the accident happened," Casey said, pushing his bangs out of his eyes.

"Yeah," Derek said. "But I like to think that there had to be a less dramatic way for us to get together, ya know?"

"Nah, dude," Casey said. "We're idiots."

Derek laughed. "You sure you have to go?"

"Yeah," Casey said. "Immediately. Or I won't be able to."

"See you in the morning?" Derek asked.

"Or whenever it is you get up, Slacker Boy," Casey teased. She pecked him real quick and scurried to her own room, locking her door for good measure.

Part Four: Derek.

He woke up at around eleven the next morning. Casey was nowhere to be found, but Edwin told him that she and Lizzie were off doing girl stuff with the Dad Cash that Dennis had slipped the both of them.

So after a couple bowls of cereal, he decided to park himself back in front of the computer to start working again. He saw a 3x 5 card taped to the top of his monitor. It read :_"Art is never finished, only abandoned." --Leonardo daVinci. If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you, Mr. Director._

It was written in sparkly green ink.

"Couldn't be," he said. He pulled it off the monitor and sniffed it. Sure enough, it was apple scented.

"I'm so gonna get her for this," he said. Then he got a thumbtack out of his desk drawer and tacked it to the wall.

Three days later, he resigned himself to letting people see his video.

"Here," he said, handing Casey the disk. "Get it away from me."

"I'll go get the popcorn going," Casey chirped.

"Noooo," Derek said.

"Yeeaaaah," Casey said.

"Stop making this a big thing," Derek said.

Casey checked his forehead for fever. "It is _such _a big deal," she said. "It's a world premiere. If I could get my hands on a red carpet, I'd roll it out. This is the Venturi Film Festival is what it is. Now come on. Screening's in five."

"Uh-uh," Derek said.

"Uh-huh," Casey said, pulling him. He finally let her drag him downstairs, where he chased Edwin out of his recliner. He settled into the chair himself, pulling the lever and leaning back. Edwin sat on the floor up against Lizzie's legs. His Dad leaned on Nora's shoulder, Marti on his other side. Casey, when she came back with the popcorn (she actually made popcorn) wiggled into the little bit of space next to Lizzie.

Nora picked up the remote. "Are we ready?" she asked.

"Nope," Derek said. Casey shot him a look.

Everyone else said yes.

She hit play.

**The film opens with a shot of Casey pacing back and forth in the living room.**

"**Why do I keep doing this to myself?" she asked. "Seriously? I do it over and over again. I put myself through all kinds of stress, for something that, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter much, does it?"**

**She got no answer.**

"**So I should just stop," she said, sitting down on the couch. "You can probably go ahead and turn that camera off, Derek, 'cause I mean it. I'm quitting. No more audition."**

**The camera stayed on her. **

"**Aw, who am I kidding?" she said, standing up again. "Edwin?"**

**The camera panned over to Edwin, walking back toward the piano bench like it was an electric chair.**

"**From the top?" Casey asked.**

"**Whatever," Edwin said. Then he began to play.**

**Up came the title: _The Drama Princess_**

"Hoo, you're dead," His Dad said, laughing. Derek looked over at Casey and was relieved to find her laughing, too. Until she reached over and smacked his arm.

**A documentary by Derek Venturi. Featuring...**

**A comically long list of names scrolled over the screen.**

**The next scene featured Casey singing scales, then there was a montage of her running through her audition songs over a period of several days. That dissolved into a shot of Edwin making himself a peanut butter sandwich and singing one of Casey's songs under his breath. The shot then changed to Nora reading a book while humming the same song. Then Lizzie. Then Marti. Finally, Derek's Dad singing it while barbecuing. Edwin stared at him.**

"**What?" Dad said.**

**Edwin shook his head. **

**The scene changed to an exterior shot of the community center with a sign that read:**

_**Little Shop of Horrors Auditions June 15**_

**There was another quick montage of several people auditioning, including Sheldon, Emily, Chris, Brianna and especially Casey. **

"Oh my gosh," Casey said. "Did you get Sheldon doing his impression—"

**Onscreen, Sheldon Schlepper was smirking in a suspiciously familiar way and strutting across the stage like he owned it. Casey giggled in shock. **

"Even though nobody will get that but us," Casey said.

"He's _good_," Nora said.

"He totally is," Casey agreed.

"Yeah, yeah," Derek said. "What-_ever_."

"Edwin does it a little better," Marti said.

"A little???" Edwin asked. "What do you mean a _little_?"

**In the next scene, the cast of the show introduced themselves, and it's revealed that Casey got the part of Audrey. This faded into a scene in which Casey, Emily, Brianna and Melissa practiced dance steps in stiletto heels. Chris made a comment about being really glad to be a guy. **

**After a few more shots of rehearsals, a slide show of still shots from one of the days that they painted sets ran with the subtitle: _Photographs courtesy of Edwin Venturi. _**

"So you _did_ use them," Casey said.

**The words_ Opening Night _flashed across the screen. The camera panned over a full house. There were more still shots of the play itself, this time taken by Derek. There were quick clips of "Somewhere That's Green," and "Suddenly, Seymour." Then the scene showed Dennis McDonald giving flowers to his weeping daughter. **

**The final shot was taken after the cast party. They were back in their living room. One lamp lit the shot.**

"**Okay, so that was cool," Casey said. "You gotta admit it. Especially since we gotta be back there tomorrow."**

**_The End_ flashed across the screen.**

The first sound that Derek heard, besides the click of the light going on, was Nora sobbing.

"Oh God," Derek muttered.

She got up and headed directly for him. He tried to get out of the recliner while it was still, well, reclining, and he got tangled in the footrest, delaying him just long enough for Nora to squish the daylights out of him.

"Thought you'd get away?" Casey asked. She wiped some tears away quickly, but Derek noticed.

"There is no escape," Nora said. She kissed his hair several times in rapid succession , the way people kiss dogs.

"Noraaaa," Derek said.

Edwin laughed.

"Dunno what you're laughing at," Nora said. "You're _next_."

They ran Edwin's movie next, because the 'rents hadn't seen it. Nora and Casey sobbed some more. Dad looked dumbstruck, but not too dumbstruck to make corny jokes about clearing room on the mantle for awards.

"Okay," Casey said, after both movies had run. "Gimme. Both of them. Now."

"Why?" Edwin asked.

"Because, in the morning, I'm gonna go to the post office, and I'm gonna send these out," Casey said. "But first, I'm gonna seal them up in envelopes and hide them, because there will be no tinkering with them, _capisce_?"

"I wash my hands," Derek said.

"Can't look at it anymore," Edwin said.

"Good," Casey said. "Because now you gotta start work on the next."

Derek threw a pillow at her.

She mailed them out the next day, and it took more than a month to hear back from the judges. Meanwhile Casey took a job with Ralph at the music store and Derek was sucked back into working at Smelly Nellie's, where he hadn't worked since before the accident. They were apparently shorthanded since Sally had gone off to university.

Edwin and Lizzie started their freshman year at Thompson, where Derek and Casey started their senior year. Derek threatened Edwin with Freshman Friday even though there hadn't been one of those since Lassiter took over. But Edwin didn't know that.

One day, Derek was pawing through the mailbox looking for his _Rolling Stone_, when his hand closed on two thick envelopes addressed to Edwin and Derek respectively. He more or less succeeded in looking nonchalant as he handed Edwin his envelope.

"Oh God," Edwin said, his eyes getting huge.

Derek shrugged and tried to hide the fact that his hands were shaking.

Casey and Lizzie looked at each other, then at Edwin and Derek. Neither boy would open their envelopes.

"Gimme that," Lizzie said, lunging for Edwin's. He pulled it out of her reach.

Casey took Derek's envelope and he reached for it but she was too fast for him. She opened it and shrieked.

"Runner up!" she yelped. "2,500 dollars." She practically bent him over the island and mashed her lips against his.

Then, after Derek recovered from that kiss, they both looked at Edwin, who'd apparently gone catatonic. He blinked at the page in his hand.

"What?" Lizzie said.

"Whaaaat?" Casey said.

Derek grabbed it out of Edwin's weakened grip.

"_Dear Edwin Venturi_," he read. "_We are pleased to inform you_...blah blah, that—you totally freaking won the whole freaking contest, and you owe your brother twenty bucks because you lost that bet and you get five grand so you can't be too upset about that. I'm paraphrasing a little."

Edwin's daze didn't lift for a while.

FIN.


End file.
